Reconciliation/Reconsideration

I have been approached via comments and MSN chats, to reconsider with regards to ending my blog.

Babe, an avid reader said "Your blog is where I get a little drama in my life". "N", a cyber reader/mentor said "Please reconsider". And YKW said "It's not me".

I guess, if there is anything I owe in this blog, is that I owe my readers an explanation to why I have decided to end this blog. In contrary to most beliefs, that I am going through something, that makes me wanting to end it. True is some aspect, but just the main reason. Besides having a writer's block and lacking of things to say, I thought it was time to let go. Somehow, this blog have been my security blanket for more than a year now, it is my personal confidant and my sounding board. But at the same time, I feel, I'm not growing, mentally and emotionally because of it. How come, you may ask? Well, I don't know, but I just don't feel it's teaching myself anything significant in life. A little more about that.

I promised myself, that I don't want to write something about my relationship again in my blog. But I guess, when you read that, you know that I will anyway. The same thing when I said, that I would not get myself into a relationship again. And look where I am. My relationship with "E", well that's another story. It's going south. And it's 100% my fault. I am committed, yes, I am faithful, yes, I am loyal, yes, I am ready, yes, I am happy, yes. "E", on the other hand, is loving, loyal, kind, gentle, wonderful. Practically, I got myself a beautiful angel. 100% perfect for a guy like me. If perfect exist, that's "E". Just perfect. So what is wrong then?

See, I spent a week offshore, and now "E" have gone to KL on a family trip, the thing is, all these time we spent time apart, I don't miss "E" at all. At all. Nothing. I love "E" but I find myself not in love with "E". Some say, to give it some time. True. But what if that 'time' never comes. I don't want to hurt "E" because "E" deserves everything and anything in this world. But I feel it's just not me that "E" should be with. I feel that I can't provide "E" with love. I find myself being with "E" without any passion at all. And at most time, I feel "E" is more of a friend than anything else. I am disgusted with myself. I find myself truly appalling. I truly truly hate myself.

"N" told me something obvious and true to it's core and it was almost the slap on my face that made me realise something. She said along the line of, I have something that I am hiding and that makes me not ready for any serious relationship. That is true. I am hiding something, which I can't even tell to my blog. I'm hiding this hurt and pain deep in my heart that I just can't even begin to explain, because it's just too damn painful. Painful to even speak of. "N" told me my heart is at a turmoil. For a reader, she can read me very well. I'm not moving on with my life. She is right. I haven't made any reconciliation with my past.

I have no pin-point reason to end this blog. It's practically a big bad mess. If there is a point to ending it, it's all over this blog. I'm not teasing my readers by telling that I will end this blog. But after much re-consideration, I've decided not to. Why? Why, the change of mind? Because just when I was more than determined to end it. It created a dialogue between me and my readers. And that opens up my mind. Like "N", without her knowing, she challenged my beliefs and thoughts. Even though, she never intended to do that. I kept quiet while I was chatting with her. This blog created a dialogue. So this blog in another way, does make me grow, or at least made me realise something that I have been oblivious to.

I admit, at one point, I look at my blog, and took it for granted. And if this blog is a person, I sincerely do apologise to him or her. I admit that I have pointed failure to no one but myself. I have many things to fix. My life is a big mess. And I have no clue how or where to start with. If you ask me how do I feel right now. My heart feels just like a dead carcass at the side of the road, and every now and again, a car would just ran over it, as it slowly decays. It's depressing, I know. But that's how I feel. Neglected and dead.

I truly apologise to you, my readers, for almost letting you down by ending this blog. I truly apologise, and in truth, my "last post" is still there as a draft. I don't know what I am going to do with it. I guess, I need some time to figure out. There are just too many things to figure out. I am a complete, utter mess. Again, please accept my heartfelt apology to you, my readers.

I've ran out of things to say. Until then.