Re-birth: Kellaz Lives On

Hello readers.  I know in the last post, I have said that I have decided to kill this blog. 

I was stupid.  It took me this long to realize that no one can silence me.  And in fact when I think about it, if someone love me that bad, they would have respected my past.  But here I am.

After two years, I have decided that I will revive this blog to new life. 

So why change of heart?  Surprise, surprise, my relationship ended.  It's my fault actually, To shorten the story, I fell out of love.  I expected too much from someone who can give me so little.  Our differences started to appear, cracks started to wedge us apart and slowly tearing us apart.  I really thought this is it, The One.  But unfortunately, no. 

As all relationship end, it ended pretty badly over the period of eight months.  Everyday was hurtful.  I blame no one but myself.  I got fade up of waiting for things to change.  I was actually torn about the decision, am I too weak to wait, or a fool to wait any longer.  Or should I stay in a stagnant relationship, just living day by day... until the rest of my life.  Just because I want someone to be in my life.

It is like the saying, behind a great man is a great woman (lady).  Someone who supports you, encourages you, push you to be better, upgrade you, promote you.  Isn't that is expected of a partner?  Of course it works vice versa.  I tried to make things better.  And tried. And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  You get the picture.  But it was like cheering someone to fall asleep.  I felt let down.  I should have put my expectations low, so I won't be devastated and disappointed.  But I gave up.  I gave up on everything.  So slowly, cracks turned to gaps, and finally it crumbled.

I know some people would have read this blog saying I am self righteous.  I am not always right.  I admit my mistakes, and all of the above that I have mentioned is all my fault.  In short, I expected too much.

Some other school of thoughts would have said you have to accept someone for who they are, but then again, is it enough?  But what about, if I say, in a marriage or any partnership you have to expect everything from your partner/wife/husband?  Why not?  Would you prefer to get married and live in a mediocre status quo for the rest of your life? 

I was watching a B-rated movie, starring Sara Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant called "Did You Hear About The Morgans?"  At one part of the movie, Sam Elliot the co-star said when Hugh Grant and SJ Parker were arguing, he said "In a marriage, you have to expect everything from your partner even miracles, otherwise it's just pointless", (I forgot the quote, but that's about right... along that line...)

But anyway, feel free to argue against. 

So anyway, enough about my relationship.  How about myself?  My family hates me.  Workplace hates me as well, everything's going south, pretty much.  I'm quite down actually.  I am thinking, if I am such a horrible person and karma is coming back to hit me, or am I being tested for something big in the future of my life.

I am trying to get a job outside of Brunei at the moment, and that's not gonna happen anytime soon, but that is my long term target for my career.  First, I just need to get out of this shithole.  I need to get out and make full use of my brain and experience elsewhere first.  I can't do that in the place I work right now.  I have been labeled so many things there.... Being a slacker is first on their list.  It is actually a chicken and egg situation; I am a slacker because of the workplace or the workplace had turned me into a slacker.  But it is half true.  I am a slacker.  The place I work had the ability to suck all the positive energy and energize me with a powerful negative one.  Thus turning me into one.  I was bullied and I wasn't strong enough to stay positive and I just gave up.  As a leader and mentor told me, "from what I have heard, I know this much that the current organization you are in, are in no way interested in developing you or progressing you in a professional manner". 

But anyway, that's about it. Welcome back Kellaz


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