Kellaz, A Journal

2011-07-08T11:32:00.000+08:00

The truth is the poster above was last put on the draft of this blog by the end of last year (29th December 2010). I visited the blog once in a while thinking to update it. As you would know, the person that I am, ambivalent always, leads to procrastination.

I has been almost a year since my last update and things in my life has gone from what is complicated and perhaps at some point unstable, to routine and boring. Yeah, I am not entirely happy of my life but well, no change there, I'm bored with my life, and I live my live day to day in lethargy. I am not the same person that I once were. My best friend once told me, I used to be full of positivity and cheerful. Well I am still the cheerful person that I am, but I'm so used to wear this mask, that it's almost part of me, even deep inside my heart burns with despair.

Part of the reason although not the predominant factor, is that I am in a relationship, and my other half doesn't seem to have any liking to this blog. So writing this blog does have its risk feature. My other half didn't like because it reeks of my past life and love. I guess my other half is not familiar with the point of keeping the past, not to hold on to, but to reflect all the good and bad that had come my way. But anyway, there's so many things that I wanted to say that I digress from my original intention to write this blog, to which now, I have forgotten.

I'm gonna stop here and put this post to draft as I need to go... Will be back to write more...

A few weeks have pass by. I am back on this drafted and yet to be posted post. Am I making any sense?

Here I am again, and I have a bomb to announce. I have decided to kill this blog. I have discussed about this blog with my other half, and it seems that I can't keep this blog and I will start a new one under an anonymous name (however, I'm still thinking about being anonymous). My other half didn't like the idea of my exes' reading my blog. I asked why, but there was no reply and my other half didn't have an answer to that. I don't get it why my other half would have a problem with that, but nevertheless I have to respect the decision.

I feel very sad that I have to kill this blog. Not that I am holding to the past, but more of nostalgic feeling. Nostalgic, in this sense, is that it's part of me and it poses more of a diary to me, more than anything else. This blog also served me as a partner that gave me strength and hope for the better. I know I'm good with words, and words are the only thing that I could express myself or release the ache deep in my heart. I would like to thank my readers that have supported me all these time, giving me hope and showing me that, yes, there is light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.

Until then, hope you'll find me in my new reborn blog. Thank you.

A Very Long Hiatus

2010-07-14T11:10:00.000+08:00

Hello, I'm back.

I sincerely and truly apologise to my fellow readers for my unannounced long hiatus. And perhaps that will be the case from now on. I will be on and off from this blog.

Alright, most of you would want to know why the long delay of absence from this blog. Simple. I am in a very commiting and serious relationship. And I'm trying to keep my head out of the clouds and keep my feet on the ground. I have realised that, sometimes, I have to stop wondering and analysing things and just do it. Go to the deepest end and see whether you sink or you could swim.

Writing my thoughts, although most of it are postive things, by letting things out in the open can cause some harm than good. And if I wanted my relationship to work, I will need to keep thing off the table. There are such things, too much good can harm you as well.

So I'll just update you things that are about me. In March, I left KA and went with someone else. And this someone else, I've been with ever since. And as all relationships are, it has it's ups and downs. Just put it this way. Consider me married without the 'marriage'. And leave it to that.

KA was really upset but I know it is the best situation for us both. We both know it. It was just that the relationship went south pretty fast and I was quick to get a replacement. But it just have to be done for both of our sake. I won't write much about it as it is quite personal for what had happened between to us.

In May, my life went through hell. Seriously. By the end of May, every sense of dignity within me have been flushed out. I had to struggle for this new relationship. I was heart breaking. Tears were shed. So many tears and if I could remember it all, it was so painful. Very painful. So forgive me if I don't want to write (or think about it).

First of June, was one of the darkest day of my life. And this, I would like everyone to know. I was arrested in public, (Giant Superstore) by BKN (Biro Kawalan Narkotiks, i.e. Narcotics Control Bureau). I was sabotaged by a traitor who had connections with the Bureau. I was a suspect for dealing drugs. I am not ashamed to talk about this, as the truth is I am not involved in what-so-ever fucked-up drug dealing or possessing. (Apologies for the swearing!) Seriously? WTF right? But anyway, I was cleared immediately as I don't possess or had drugs in my system. I filed a police report after that. Because the bureau failed to do their homework and exposing themselves to be puppets by anyone who uses them to merely embarrase anyone in public. Fools. And I mean that sincerely.

And it now comes to July. Things are well and dandy, I mean normal. Nothing much to talk about. Oh yes there is, nearly forgot for one important update. For the past two months and with the things that I have mention, my work had serious implications. I was absent from work at least a day or two in a week. And my boss had a talk with me and bla-bla-bla. Ok, but as some say, if a window of close, a door of opportunity opens. And I'm moving department starting next week, well it is more of moving to another company. And it's all good. I will be working in Bandar (city) and I will be close with my love. And that's very, very good.

So until then. Again apologies for the lack of updates.

All is well, if not, let's hope all is well. Hope is all we've got.

Someone Cried Wolf?!

2010-03-14T05:15:00.000+08:00

I am laughing. Deliriously laughing! And if I am not laughing, I am smiling from one ear to another.

Obviously some of you would have read the 'attack' on my shoutmix which in my personal opinion was totally and utterly really really funny. I am trying to see the connection of such comments with regards to my current stature. First and foremost, Karma had paid me a visit, decided to give me a break for the past one month and gave me a beautiful soul to accompany my heart. Okay, that's an overstatement, let's just say, something to keep me busy. Sometimes. (Don't be cheeky on me now... LOL)

And all of the sudden; wham bam! "Wolf! Wolf! Bastard! Wolf!" And I'm just in shock! I am as if going, telling someone, to turn the gawd damn page for this poor soul. Obviously, stuck in the last freaking chapter. I've written new chapters... I am going... oh c'mon... keep up will ya?! Any of you getting any of this? LOL! Dyslexic reader perhaps?

Harsh isn't it? Well, it isn't as harsh as was said to me in that attack comment. All of us, have done one or more mistakes right? Do we really need to dwell into it? And live in a past with all that grudge and anger? Yeah, I've done my more than fair share of stupid silly mistakes. I even repeated them again and again. But after all that was said and done, I did seek for forgiveness, and if one doesn't forgive, well, it's not my place anymore. All I know, I've made my amendments, apologies and forgiveness. Other than that, I wouldn't know what else I would do or say.

So for that particular ex. Yes, it came from an ex. Circa Sept'09 - Oct'09. Thanks for stopping by and come again soon. :)

Until then... everyone, take good care of yourself.

Permanent Or Temporary?

2010-03-11T04:41:00.000+08:00

Note: This post was written 1st March, sorry for the late publish.

There comes to a point in our life when we want something permanent. Love being one of it. Lust likely being temporary. Maybe.

Last night, after work, I fell asleep only to wake up at about quarter to 1 am. There were 5 missed calls, 1 from a friend and the other 4 was from my best friend, Billy. He call me at that amount, because I was supposed to have dinner with him, but I fell asleep. So I called him up at 1am and he answered. I tried to make it up to him and decided to hang out at his place instead.

So about 2am, I arrived at his place with 2 packs of Nasi Katok and a bottle of Green Tea. We talked and ate whilst watching Sex and the City Movie that was on HBO. A particular scene made us talk about relationships, Samantha gained weight because she ate to keep herself from cheating from her boyfriend who stood and stuckby her. Billy said, "I guess that is why I shy away from relationships, because there's so many out there, we're young, we're at our prime, so why not? What do you think?"

"I'm seeking for something permanent", was my reply. I guess at this age (of which I will discussed further), love is what I need. Don't take it the wrong way, and I am not bragging, if it is lust that I am looking for, take my word for it, it's easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, after fulfilling lust, I feel sick and dirty for what I have done. By saying this, I do admit that I am no angel. But worst of all, in here, in this heart, it felt like darker and lonelier place to be. Hollow.

This is unfinished post, will continue so soon... Sorry about this, It's my bad...

Until then...

The Dating Game

2010-03-01T03:44:00.001+08:00

For My Favourite and No.1 Reader fan...

Lest talk not about my love life for a moment and talk about something else.

The dating game. The question that I am interested, is it really a game? What do you do in this games?

Some people show their true colours, and some pretend. This is what we call courtship. But then again, if we pretend to be someone else during this courtship, is that wrong? Is that considered a lie? So where would we draw the line of pretending so that we get the love that we wanted or just plain lying to another?

Playing in the dating game, is personally, daunting. However, not as to praise myself, most of the time, I try to be myself and most of the time try to make my date feel comfortable. That is the only thing I try. Other than that, with all respect, take it or leave it. Yeah, our date could be this wonderful sexy human being on earth, but if he or she doesn't go in par with my thoughts and my feelings, what's the point? So being true to yourself, and just being yourself helps. Sometimes

But what if being yourself brings the worst possible scenario in your date? Would you be someone else, would you try and pretend to be charming, suave and funny? Maybe. Because I don't blame when someone tries to be someone else, yeah, regardless of their intention, for love or just merely to get into their pants. I ask myself, have I ever tried to impress a date? Yes, but to a point. I have my own limitations. I have tried to be intellectual, yes I have, I've tried look as if I know everything, oh yes, I've tried to suck my stomach althroughout the date. Yes, guilty of that too. Pretend that I am as manly than I am. Oh yes.

And guess what? It doesn't work. Sometimes, it's the individuality of a person that attracts another. Freaky. Weird. Selfish. Funny. Talkative. Normal. Yes. That's the winner. Normal. But hang on, in this day and age, what is normal anymore? Normalcy is somewhat ambiguous in current times. What was considered abnormal behaviour is now a norm. But there are still certain aspects of abnormality that remained constant. Such as, aggressiveness and disrespectfulness. Sometimes, to think about it, I really like the dating scene, the prospect of meeting someone new and getting your head over heels. Not to forget the sensation of floating like a bubble in the air and life seems a breeze. And I suppose I am like that, just a little (okay, maybe a lot!) Losing interest once the bubble has burst and reality had set in. And what is more real than reality? Commitment, my dear readers.

I suppose that is why men have difficulty to commit. Life becomes real. Fantasy had halted to a complete stop and reality starts to settle in, like a flan slowly collapsing in a cupboard. To certain good men out there, this is what they seek for. The reality of life, which later extrapolates from fantasy to family. I know I have said previously that I won't talk about my love life, but... I admit recently, I've burst out of that fantasy bubble and seeking for something permanent. Something real. I wouldn't say 'family' real just yet. But something real, something concrete, a 'foundation' so to speak. Foundation of life. Realism.

By saying that, I'm saying this not as a fixed solution to what has gone in my life. And without further explanation, I have just found something real recently. With a catch. You may refer this in my previous post. Forget BA, forget SA. I'm staying put with KA. Yeah, KA is taken. But it is much complicated than what is obviously wrong. I'm happy with KA at the moment. And I'm taking things as it is, and I do expect that one of us, will bound for heartache. But I'm focusing all my energy and focus on KA at the moment. Have you ever had that feeling or thought of the right thing to do and the correct thing to do? I'm doing the right thing to do. I know obviously, my readers would know I'm not doing the correct thing. In a way, KA is not cheating. Yes, KA is taken, but it's much complicated than the facts. I would like to elaborate more on KA's circumstances. But at this point, let it be just between the two of us. For now. Let's just put it this way, KA is taken, but not in a relationship. How's that? Can a couple be a single person? Can two people be together, yet single? So basically that's what is going on. And no, KA is not in an open relationship.

But most important of all, KA fills in the void in my heart. As friends, yeah, you can call it that. Friends. For now. We haven't made further plans from what is present. Sometimes it's important to stay focus on the present than counting your eggs before they hatch. However it is also important to anticipate the future. And when the future turns present. Something needs to give way and re-evaluate the situation. The thing is, regardless of what goes on in the present and future, I'm relatively happy, knowing fully aware that I am bound for heartbreak, but I know for sure when the heartbreak occurs. I would still be a happy man. For myself and KA.

At this moment, with respect to KA, I'm losing the boundary between friendship and relationship. We are sort of in both 'ships'. But I think what is important here is not worrying too much about what 'ship' we are in, but the care and respect for each other plus the innocent third party. That's all that matters. I shall not traverse the boundary that is not mine to cross. A note to self: Do not crucify yourself.

Until then...

Stress and Karma's Reimbursement

2010-02-20T21:07:00.000+08:00

I was at the peak of my stress, causing my body to shutdown. That happened this week.

In the office there's this one bully. A manager who seems threatened by my, perhaps, enthusiasm or perhaps my ability to lead. He had always under estimated my capabilities as a shutdown engineer. Perhaps, I was the only one who stands up to him and disagree to what he was saying. Purely because he does not know shit of how we run our operations. He dictates everyone, and for the past couple of years, it seems that he have managed to tame my colleagues to his command. Consequently, they jump, run and climb as ordered. And they are not leaders within my unit. Everybody just follows what he says even they disagree to his decision.

After the Chinese New Year, I was being bullied by him via email, showing my lack of command, to my bosses, and I replied unduly with reasons upon my decision that I have made. The next day, he wrote an sarcastic email. It wasn't so much that I was angry for the sarcasm, but this chain email have been going around for almost one month, I have been trying so hard to get who owns the scope and when it finally goes to him, he sarcastically made a remark, that I am trying to oversteer his command. I am just being proactive and helping him. Not that I was trying to step on anybody's shoe. I am helping. Only trying to and that was the thanks I got?

The next day, I didn't go to work, because I just couldn't take it anymore. I incarcerate myself in my room the whole day with no food, no human contact. The next day, I went back to work demotivated and insistent that I will only do my job and only that. No need to be proactive and no need to help or work as a team. Enough is enough, that was what I thought. I'm sick and tired to be pushed around and so, I will just work to get money at the end of the month. That's it. I'm sick of trying, I'm tired of helping.

As for my life, I've decided to take a turn for myself. As I have written in my previous post, my heart and my head can't seem to agree on one thing. Thus, as a result, my unrelenting ambivalence. So I've decided to put myself out there, and date again. But something came out of the blue and shook my whole world. I think Karma have read my blog recently and decided to give me a leeway for my heart and my head to grow. I met someone recently. In just one date, we hit it off and the date went fantastically. Only there's one catch, my date is already taken At the same time, SA came back in my life, as a friend I think, but I felt something between the two of us. I think we feel the same way like we did last year. And I think SA is having second thoughts of coming back to me. Or perhaps it is me who wants to go back together.

Thirdly, there's another, I shall refer as BA. I have a liking towards BA. But BA only treats me as a friend and a confidante. So I know for sure, there's nothing going, but I sort of wanted to, but perhaps even at this age, I still do fear rejection. I don't have any expectations or hopes with respect to BA. I guess, this is one of those things that could happen... But deep inside, you know you're only kidding to yourself.

So that just leave SA and KA. (Oh yeah, I'll name my new date as KA). SA who is having difficulty to commit and KA who is actually already taken. Yesterday, KA admitted having strong loving feelings for me, and KA knows it was too soon. But KA needed to just let it out. I didn't reciprocate KA's feelings, obviously because it's too soon to tell. But yesterday KA said with pure conviction that KA do not want to lose me and will not let me go. I ask about KA's other half. KA went silent.

So Karma listen and gave me what I wanted for my love life, only that it's full of catch. And I don't really know what to do... So much complications to deal with. The best logical decision is to just run away. But I guess, I need to find middle way for my heart and my head to agree.

Oh, I've got to go, will post some more soon, going out to watch a football match with my brother and my brother in law.

Until then...

Searching For An Answer

2010-02-16T15:49:00.001+08:00

If life is a answer, what would the question be?

Life itself is full of questions. A friend once asked, what is the meaning of life? At that point in time, I told her, life has no meaning, we just live it, as it is to a lamp, it just shines. And as what Forrest Gump use to say about stupid, "Stupid is what stupid does" and life is just like that. I thought I had the answer in my hands....

Don't expect if I have the answer. I am as clueless as you are. That is assuming you don't have the answer, and if you do, feel free to share it with me. This long weekend was spent searching for the question I've been asking myself more recently. What's wrong with me? I find myself feeling so low and depressed. I feel as if I am struggling to live. Hope, faith and emotional strength flushed out of my body somehow, I breakdown so often. Why is it so hard for me to love and be loved in return?

As I searched for the answers, I called up YKW. "You want to know what's wrong? Whoa? Are you sitting down?" "No, I'm on my bed, lying down". "Okay, that's even better"... We continued to talk, and one of the things that YKW said was that I don't talk. I guess, we all know about 'The Talk'. It is the confrontational conversation that might lead to anger, fights or tears. YKW told me that I don't confront about my feelings enough. Perhaps due to my ego. And yes, it was my ego.

I broke down after the phone call. I now see, YKW is living a successful and happy life right now. Content. YKW deserved it after all the pain and heartache that I've given. But I'm not sure if I deserve to feel like this. Perhaps it is Karma, but haven't I paid enough to Karma, and why is Karma just looking for the bad side of things, I've done good things too, and why haven't Karma paid me that?

I also got in contact with SA and we met up that night. I went in search for answers, what's wrong with me, why can't I love, what did I do wrong, what did I did or didn't do? SA told me it wasn't about me, it was about SA who couldn't commit due to time constraints from life and work. But as I reflected what I did and thought at that point in time, I would say, I was impatient. But then again, I guess, as if it was planned by Karma, I got back what I did; what goes around did came around. SA didn't tell me that at that point in time, SA was going through a really bad patch, but didn't tell me. Thus, I fail to understand. And that is just a point in case, what I did in my previous relationship. Expecting others to understand without informing.

I suppose now, I have some answers... The next question is, what would I do next?

Until then...

Leaving Me

2010-02-12T00:17:00.000+08:00

Seemed to be the theme of my life at the moment...

Frustration Outburst

2010-02-11T17:54:00.000+08:00

Apologies for the inappropriate outburst with respect to my previous post.

I was severely depressed after feeling pressured from a fling and an out-of-the-blue contact from a resulting blind date (known as SA in December posts), they both arrived in my life at the same time. And I suppose it overwhelmed me. A lot. And it took over my head and I had to let it flow out of my fingers if I was to get any single ounce of sleep.

I felt that I was so close, yet so distant from love. I felt that I have to go that extra mile to be loved and that extra mile, is actually not just a mile but a far off distance, maybe thousands of miles. It is as if, you are stuck in the desert and you are severely dehydrated. Someone comes to you with water and offers you a drink, but you have to cut your wrist to get it. You need that drink but you have to suffer to have it. It's just so frustrating.

Why? Why is it so hard? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why? I am awfully tired of struggling to search the basic need in life. Love. Why is it hard? And when I do get it, complication gets in again and destroy the very foundation that you laid on for yourself. I am not whining, I am not angry, I am not complaining. It frustrate me so much that to get a little, I have to give up a lot or perhaps everything I possess physically, mentally and emotionally. Is that what love is all about?

What ever happened to taking and giving? What ever happened to trust, faith and honesty? Does that not matter at all? Recently I had a contact via Facebook and got to know somebody new. We talked on the phone for hours on end. After a few days of silence, we chatted in Facebook again, and continued talking on the phone on hours on end again. It is very rare that I found someone and manage to clique with a complete stranger. Well stranger in this sense is that we've never met, although we have browsed through each other's profile. Yeah, you are not far off if you have guessed, that I am attracted to the personality, looks and intelligence of my new acquaintance. But most of the time, we talked about the ex. Not my ex. My new acquaintance maybe naive in love. Everything that was describe to me sounded familiar. Through the stories that I've heard, it seemed to reflect what I was, what I did and what I went through. Been there. Done that. It's just so scary and extraordinary that under a few years, life has thrown me so many things. I have been and maybe still am resilient. Maybe not. But here I am, standing. Perhaps just sitting. Metaphorically speaking.

Speaking of ex, I had a dream. When I visit slumberland, I sometimes dream and sometimes don't. I am not one that remember dreams, but there is one dream I particularly remembered. And it sort of embedded itself into my brain and I can't seem to delete it out of my head. My dream happened quite a number of weeks ago, sometime last month. I don't plan to write it out here in my blog, but it seems I have to. My dream particular showed me how screwed up I am at the current moment. What was the dream you may wonder? Hold on to your seats.

My dream was I proposed to YKW, on bended knee, in front of a crowd, some of which were YKW's friends. My dream didn't last long, I was woken up by my mobile phone's alarm. I remembered zombie-ing my day, because the dream haunted me to this day. I wish I could go back to sleep and find the continuation of that dream. I wanted to know the ending. Or perhaps... I know the ending already, yet couldn't find the energy or haven't had the courage to accept it.

Wow, in all truthfulness and honesty, writing that down, felt good. All these while I felt like I've been carrying something heavy. Now I feel some sense of relief. And it neither feels good nor bad. It's like holding on to secret that you've been dying to tell but you just couldn't.

I guess, you, me and everybody is right. I'm pretty much have gone insane. I am struggling, you know. My heart, my head feels as if they are playing on a see-saw... When one of them, goes up, I use them, then when it goes down, it makes no sense at all. I don't know which one makes sense, and which one to use. My heart? My head? Ideally, I know, I should use both to make a well balanced decision in life. But it is difficult when one or the other starts to contradict each other. I think (I've just thought of it!) that explains my ambivalence. My heart and my head can never seemed to agree to a compromise, thus why I am like this. Good grief! Eureka!

Nevertheless, despite of my new found discovery. That doesn't answers much. Reality is painful. But perhaps the reason I am still (assuming) resilient, is that I hope. And I have faith that my life will get better.

Pah! Enough ranting, I'm by myself in the office now. I should make an exit. Until then...

To be loved in return

2010-02-08T02:35:00.000+08:00

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in returned - Moulin Rouge Movie...

And why is it so hard to be loved in returned? I look back at my life and I think I deserved that much. But why? Why is it so hard to love me?

Maybe I'm complicated, although I love to think that I am a simple guy, but indeed I am a simple guy. But why is my life so complicated that loving me seemed to be an arduous task to do? Blast from the past seemed to be the main theme of my life at the moment. Past lovers came back to me and came in contact with me in one night. This very night. And it is so painful when I come to think of it. It hurts me so bad that I think that I don't deserved to be loved. I feel that I am broken. Broken. Beyond repair. Beyond recognition.

I like to think that I am a nice guy. I am a nice guy. People have told me so. But why do people leave me in the end? It is so easy to blame life for it. And I am going to blame life. And how unfair it can be to me. And I hate it. Ending my life seems to be the best resort although, not the best decision. The dark truth is, yes, I will admit it now. I hate my life. As wonderful my life is, I hate it. I hate being lonely. Everyday, I go through my day, missing YKW. It's silly but I kept on being rational and realistic about it. That I've had my chance and I fucking blew it. Sorry for the language. Excuse me for saying so.

I don't see colours in my life anymore. It's dark and monotone. It's a very depressing place. I just want to love and be loved in returned. Is that too much to ask?

Until freaking then....

Been Quiet

2010-02-01T03:59:00.001+08:00

If there are a few things I have learnt, and a few things that you know about me, I don't write my blog when I am upset. By experience, it made me look like a fool. A stupid pathetic fool.

Thus that was why I have been quiet lately. Actually, I have wrote three full blown beautifully written blog about loneliness, being ashamed of myself and taking my time. But I have deleted them because now since I have read them back, it will definitely throw you back and go, "What is he on about?"

So rather than making a complete idiot of myself, I kept quiet and took my time before I decided to write again. So being quiet, is when I'm either upset or there's nothing much to say, talk or discuss about the going-ons of my life at that current point of time.

So what made me so upset? Well, it's that fling that I had. I knew what I was into, but I let it overwhelm me. We haven't had the chance to meet because of our schedule and this weekend was a perfect time for us to meet, and suddenly, the fling, as if like a tease, played very hard to get. I'm over mind games, you see. Or maybe, my fling wasn't playing hard to get, then again, my fling, if you remembered was taken already. So perhaps, my fling was with the other half. I don't know. I let it get over me and got me upset. But I am no longer upset. I've decided to distance myself once and for all.

I'm starting to dislike love. Love gives you that false sense of security. That is what I hate most about love. It blinds, it numbs, lifts you up in the air and gave you that natural high, when all observers, know in reality, it wasn't and one is due to fall really bad and it was very obvious. We lose all logical sense and we fall for the trap each and every time. I am beginning to think that falling in love or loving someone is a waste of time. But at the same time I know it isn't. I fell in love and loved YKW for two good years so I know it wasn't a waste of time at all. And I appreciated the fact that we had loved each other and because of it, I have become a better man that I am now.

I'm not saying that I fell in love with my fling or was in any shape or form in love. But I do admit, I was nearly there. But it is fortunate for me, reality struck me before anything happens. And I'm glad, I got that 'nudge'. Thank goodness for me. So anyway, as I was saying before, I wrote a post about being lonely. Okay, please don't get me wrong, I am not seeking for sympathy, I don't want to be accused as a victim. But lately, I have been feeling awfully lonely. How lonely? I start to talk by myself while having my smoke. I talk to myself in the mirror, mostly scolding myself. I spend almost 18 hours on the internet playing games on Facebook. I don't go out much anymore. It is worrying and it is pathetic. And I need help. But being lonely has it's upside. I've managed to do about 85% of my laundry. And that equates to about almost 90 pieces of clothing and that excludes my undergarments.

Oh, in my attempt to fill in my loneliness, I've joined a gym, and using all these negative energies that I have to work on my fitness regime. I am supposed to be on my track for my fitness regime but I only started now. And don't think I could be looking good in time for my birthday. Of which it will be about for weeks from now. I am thinking of doing a birthday bash. But then again, looking at my lists of friends, most of them are way too grown up to have a party. I mean, they have families and 'responsibilities' to have parties of which I had in my mind. I wanted to have a party where I can be myself and just do crazy-crazy stuff that I like. But then again, perhaps that's only wishful thinking. It might not happen at all.

So tomorrow, or better still, in 3 hours time, it will be a new week to go through. And in all seriousness, I need to get some rest. It has been a very long day for me. So until then...

Flummoxed

2010-01-28T02:31:00.001+08:00

And yes, I used a dictionary to come up with that. No harm in increasing my vocabulary capacity. In case you're wondering, flummoxed can be defined as perplexed or confused; bewildered.

And that was the reason for my lack of updates, confused, bedazzled up to the point of blockage. Writer's block. On a blog. LOL! Lame, I know. I did wrote a couple of times, but I didn't publish it, it was just a paragraph or two and then I lost interest. Some of the things I wanted to write was too convoluted and needed quite an explanation which, in the end, made me lost interest.

I was offshore for one whole week and now I am back. I just came back hanging out with my siblings and their spouses. It was good seeing them again. I kindda miss them but, not really, but it was a good hang out. Everybody was a little quiet, so I let my laptop to die out and had a good chat with them. I suppose even we didn't hang out that often, sometimes we run out of things to say, just like I am with this blog.

That fling that I was talking about, nearly saw the end of it, I told my fling about 'the offshore curse' and my fling flipped out. Basically my fling told me off to not make comparison with my other encounters that I have made. My mistake, but I was more talking about what happens to me. Maybe I was a little insensitive but apologies were made and we're back on track. Hmm, that sentence made me wonder. Back on track. What track? It's weird. Because there are no tracks. No nothing, but it seems there are something... It's weird. But anyway, I didn't know why I said that... Forget it.

The trip offshore, felt like the longest I've ever had. Maybe, Zaki was not there. Everything seemed routine, except for that one day, I was running around trying to find a key from someone. They are trying to revamp the old food lift and my team were tasked to do that. Yada, yada, yada... I tried my best to get things done. I miss my guys, my team is a good team, they work as a team. Effectively too. And very fast. I'm happy with their performance so far.

And tomorrow, I'm going to work as usual, and had to send my nephews to school, so I should really be sleeping right now, thus, I'm afraid this will be a short post. There's nothing much really to talk about. I'm pretty much 'THE MOST BORING' guy on this planet.

I will try to update again tomorrow, so until then....

Dilemma with Obvious Results

2010-01-21T00:23:00.000+08:00

Note: This post was written, I can't even remember when I started writing this, it was a few days ago... maybe, 4 days ago? But anyway, I'm going to continue on this post...

We've learnt from the monkey story. We've learnt from experience. We've learnt from observation. We've learnt from others. We've learnt from advices that was given to us. We've learnt from examples. We've learnt about it all.

But yet we repeat the same mistakes. Why am I on about this? Well, I am about to embark on an dilemma with obvious consequences. I think I know the ending, I may know the result, but yet, I find myself drawn into this dilemma. I once said, stupidity is best defined as consciously making the same mistake again and again. So am I being stupid? I am referring to the flirt. I somehow find myself being drawn into it. I can't seem to stop thinking about my flirt. If you can recall, the one I'm flirting with is already taken, although their relationship is shaky at the current moment. But it still doesn't give me the justification to dwell into the flirt. Does it? I don't know... but I did say to my flirt that I shall not be the reason if they broke up. I won't have it on my blood. But then again, is that wishful thinking? Or perhaps, I should just move away from this flirt. Break away. And let them sort everything themselves?

Perhaps, deep in my heart, I was thinking about what ifs? I guess, some of you would have guessed right, to leave those two and sort things out and come in if ever the coast is clear.

And now, I'm writing this in the present...

The previous post, as I have mention was written for quite a while but work has been very hectic, so I couldn't finish what I started and now... I have time, because? I'm offshore! Again! I know I've said like a broken record that I won't be offshore no more, but alas, I have to succumb to my boss's order. "There's no one else, the campaign shutdown is starting, everyone is preparing for their campaign, if not you, who else?" I could have just said "well, you're the boss, it's not my problem, I've told you that I wanted out of this team since November... very ample time for you to act about it". I'm trying to do this one little favour for one very last time, but I gave a stern warning that this WILL be the last one. My boss and my supervisor agreed. No, I don't hate working offshore, it's just that, my life has significantly become dull ever since I worked offshore, my work performance was bad, my love life, I'm not going to even start on that! I am not one to point a finger to blame, but I think I've lost about 4 relationships because of this.

And seriously, I don't want to lose this flirt. Okay, just a quick update, yes, I'm still playing with fire. And I'm not scared of getting burned. But at the moment, I am bracing myself really good, because as I have written earlier, I know the ending of this story. So why move forward with it? Well, I think I'm beginning to like my cyber flirt. Not the flirting itself but the person. And I think my cyber flirt likes me too. I'm not really sure where this is heading, but, I'm just going with the flow... I'm sure that if the my flirt have patched their relationship up, I will be quickly forgotten. And I'm fine with that. Really. I know I'm not desperately lonely, I've made sure of that. I know I'm not seeking for drama, because honest from the bottom of my heart, I'm sick of it. It is just that, I like my cyber flirt. And I'm going to keep it as a flirt, well a flirt could lead to something serious, but then again, a flirt is a flirt! No? Argue with me...

The thing is, I'm trying not to think too much and over analysing it. This can turn harmless or become a painful heartbreak. But I'm ready to brace myself for both circumstances. But I still need to think to know what I will be facing. I'm not hopeful. The truth is, I'm more in a blurry state right now. I guess, my mind and my heart is numb. Anyway, a flirt is a flirt right? And we'll leave it to that... We move on... right?

Anyway, it is late, and I am a little tired, thus I shall make an exit from this post. Until then...

Trauma

2010-01-14T01:05:00.000+08:00

Remember in my last post? There was a post-script (p.s) at the end?

Sensitivity have reduced to absolute chaos. Here's the story, and I'll write it as a child's book. Let's just say, there's a male monkey and a female monkey. Male monkey had made female monkey sick and was treated in monkey hospital. The tribe of this female monkey calls male monkey to face up what had happened. Male monkey asked monkey me to help him face up. Male monkey faced up. Problem is, this male monkey... is married. This story, ends there. But... a few days later wife monkey found out. And whole hell broke lose.

I am merely the observer here. I feel bad for wife monkey, I feel I am an accessory to the crime male monkey had made. I know wife monkey very well. Fortunately, I think, (an assumption) wife monkey is not mad at me. I've made my peace with wife monkey. Nevertheless, being part of this parody, I feel bad. I feel traumatic for some reason.

It's a terrible tragedy. And this is one of the reason, I shy away or fear marriage. No, no, don't get me wrong. Of course, I'm not put off by it, no. Look at me, let alone a marriage, I can't even hold a single relationship more than two months, worse still two weeks. So I know, it is hard. Relationship is hard. But marriage is beyond hard, beyond difficult... Sometimes it makes no sense at all. Unfathomable at the very extreme.

Speaking of relationship, I actually was in courtship for the past few days. No, no, not a date, well maybe, it was a cyber-date. We got to know from the internet, flirted, at first it was harmless. Then the flirt got serious. Words like "I like you" begins to crop up. We started to learn about each other by chatting and well, texting even. There were even a few giggling moments, which made me feel like some pathetic school girl. Then, it hit me, I'll say it before and I'll say it again... "It's too good to be true". My cyber-date was already taken. Damn, I thought to myself. The good ones are always taken... Fortunate for me, my cyber date confessed. Although my cyber date also confessed that the relationship is a little shaky at the moment.

Little was gain, and fortunately nothing was lost. It was a good amusement for me. For my tiny little lonely heart. (I'm not seeking sympathy.) I thought to myself, I nearly fell for it. But I gave advices, that may or may not be taken. Because I hate to see people get separated if it is just mere differences. Tolerances, compensation and comprehension is all it takes. Otherwise, it will fall into the same fate. It made me look back at my relationship. Particularly YKW. As that was the most meaningful relationship that I ever had. It was real. It was good. Was. Past tense. Depressing. The truth is, I've been thinking a lot about YKW lately. I don't know why, but at my lowest depressing thoughts, YKW came to my head, and it made me happy again, although it was more of mixed feelings... Happy, even feeling giddy but depressing and miserable, some sadness and regret, everything, all at the same time. It's funny more than anything, really. Or perhaps, I wanted it to be funny. Hey, laughing and smiling about it helps. Remember?

So anyway, oh work! Yes, forgot to talk about work. The pace has swiftly shifted from slow moving to the speed of light. It was fun, but stressful, and it has been a while since I was 'that' busy. It's drastically pushing me up the learning curve. Fortunately it's more of recollection than learning... I had déjà vu all throughout the day, because these are the things I used to do before the made me into offshore CSR (Company Site Representative). Stressful but keeping me busy, pushes all of my depressing emotions and thoughts behind... And that's a good thing, I suppose. So things are looking pretty much up hill. But as up is concern... as they say, the higher they are, the harder the fall... or was it the bigger they are... Pah! Nevertheless... I guess let me imagine that things are looking up even if nothing has changed...

So much for ranting. Thanks for reading or listening... Catch up with you soon, my dear readers... The blog's kindda quiet lately... hmm?

Until then...

A Full Living Life?

2010-01-12T00:54:00.000+08:00

Live life to the fullest! I know some of you would say "Hell yeah!" to that...

But do we? Something I told my best friend today. "To be honest, I am at the bottom of the wheel. I am way depressed than you can see me right now. But laughing and smiling and pushing my thoughts and depression to the back of my mind helps. It won't solve it, but it helps." And to add to the misery, I met and talked to YKW today, who is about to go on a date... Ouch! But let bygones be bygones eh? I should be over it, but still ouch. Anyway it seems... people seemed cheerier on my dark moments. Karma. What a bitch!

But then again, I watched an HBO series tonight, called Hung. A man who was athletic, a pro-basketball player, famous and popular at one point, but he succumb to his injuries at his middle age. Unfortunately he's got no talent whatsoever besides his ability to play basketball. And somehow he turned to the only thing he think he is good at. Sex. So he decided to become a male escort. A gigolo. But what does Karma had to do with it? Before we go to that, today, Billy and I, had dinner. We talked about Karma, what good have we done before. And what good that we had received and vice-versa. Billy thinks he's done quite many good deeds thus, he is receiving good things in his life at the moment. Of course, he had his bad days, but he's feeling a little lighter these days. I for one, can stand a testament to that. Indeed, he's done quite many good things, although some of them he wouldn't take credit for. When in fact he's done many virtues that didn't take credit. Billy is a great guy and shall remain as that.

As for me, well, since I've told you I'm in a downer at the moment. So that means, I've done many bad things, and well, I'm paying for it. Yeah. I agree. It is true. I won't dwell into details, as I am aware of them and honestly, I'm saving face. So let's not talk about my iniquities. But Ha! Karma, as bitchy as she is... She's also teaching me something. To rise above it. Karma is not only as good as you believe it and dwell into it. But in fact, if we look beyond what's in front of us. Karma is there so that we can rise above the occasion. So, going back to the HBO Series, Hung, well, he rise above his deficiencies and took a bold step, although not morally accepted to most prejudiced mindset. But the point is, he rose. And that is in essence called Courage.

Courage and me. Courage and I? Forget it... forget the grammatical errors. So where does that put myself and courage? I actually laughed to myself. Not because I'm cynical about it, but the truth is I don't know. Honestly, if I had to describe to you what my living spirit looks like, well, imagine this. A dead carcass on the highway, run over cars, over and over again. Mangled beyond any recognition, that it looks like a dirty rag that has fallen off a vehicle. The stench and the flies flying above the carcass was the only give away that it is a dead animal. But I try to cheer myself up. I have to. I've done sulking, sleeping and locking myself in my room. But that only puts me on a miserable status quo. So in order to break the stalemate. I pretend. And like I said before, it helps. So I don't know if you could sum that out as courage. Essentially, I'm not rising above the occasion. Maybe summoning up the courage.

So live life to the fullest? To a full living life? Hell yeah. Of course. But are we living it?

Until then...

p/s: Something traumatic happened to me yesterday and I wish I could write about it. But, the thing that had happened was especially sensitive to talk about. It wasn't about me, though. I was there for someone who made a terrible, terrible, awful mistake. And has to pay for it. I'm not sure how it will end. But at least, for now, we have passed the eye of the storm. The cleaning up begins. I'm only writing this to remind me of this particular incident that had traumatised me. Maybe when it becomes less sensitive, I'll write about it in the future.

Homey Feeling...

2010-01-10T03:46:00.001+08:00

It is the weekend. And weekend is the time when we drop down our hair, let out all the stress that was driving you nuts during the weekday.

I consider myself lucky as I have the ability to take two consecutive days as my weekend. Saturdays and Sundays. The majority of the population in Brunei works in the Government sectors as civil servants and they have split weekends. Fridays and Sundays. By which in my personal opinion, inefficient as they have two days of 'winding down' moments.

It is by experience and observation that the working community tend to 'wind down' on the last few hours of closing business (up to half a day), knowing the day after will be a weekend. Then again, it depends on the nature of work/business, in my office particularly, things pick up pretty hectic during the last few hours of business. The reason being, most of my colleagues, (anybody really) hate to get work phone calls during the weekend, so every loose end be tied up properly before the weekend starts. All issues and problems offshore be properly followed up, etc. The government sector had 'moments' this every Thursday and Saturday. They 'wind down' twice in one week, as oppose to one, for us. But then again, I am not generalising everyone to this attitude, it's just common amongst the working force.

Wow, talk about side tracking. So anyway, weekend and me. This particular weekend is the first for me in some ways. First, I woke up at 2pm. I suppose my body is trying to recuperate as much as it can after the first week at work. An hour after that, I was already driving to my favourite eatery. I have been craving for satay all week. And today I got just that. After stuffing my face, and greeting happy birthday one of my favourite waitress, I went to shop for toiletries which include washing powder. Okay, this is the bit which is different or weird to me. It had been more than a year since I do my own laundry. I have been sending my laundry for more than a year now. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I've run out of undergarments, and sending them to the laundry would mean I'd have to wait for one week till I get them back. I know by now you'd be laughing. And I don't blame you. So I had to do my laundry ASAP. So this weekend was spend washing my clothes. Well just my shorts, jeans and undergarments. Because believe me, if I had to do all of my clothes... It will take me all night. Boy oh boy do I have dirty laundry or what! And no clothes line is long enough to cater for all of them. LOL...

Feeling pathetic for myself that I had to do this in my weekend, when I am suppose to put my hair down and relax. I got out of the house after watching two movies and one football match with my brother. It is almost 4am and I just got out of the house 45 minutes ago. I just wanted to get out of the house to 'have a weekend' so to speak... DeRoyalle became my first choice as it was the only 24 hours cafe in Brunei. So here I am... still feeling pathetic but happy that I got out.

I'm starting to like this boring life of mine, really pathetic but I'm happy. Just ought to let you know, that I'm eavesdropping on 4 guys talking about penile erection. Very interesting... LOL... So that's it from me...

Until then...

In the Gutter

2010-01-09T02:36:00.001+08:00

I'm feeling depressed. Lately.

I try to keep my mood up most of the time, trying to push my thoughts behind. But when I am on my own, I get an anxiety attack. Just a short and quick one. Sometimes it feels like bursting into tears all of a sudden. No tears were shed. Yet.

Yesterday, Billy and I had our New Year barbeque. Just the two of us, food enough for two or perhaps three, sitting by the porch. Food was spread out on a throw-over and two lit candles. The candles were just for ambience. And it was fun. It was fantastic how two bored guys can pull up something like that. Barbecued chicken, sardines, eggplant (yuck!) carrots and onions was the menu. And some deliciously crispy french fries. It was simple. We just talking about how we have spent the new year, reminiscing the past and talks of the future. It was great. And it ended nicely over a improvised beverage. Who ever knew that I could make jasmine green tea, minty?! LOL. (personal joke)

Yesterday and tonight, was the only night I have spent awake this week. The last few days, was spent sleeping out of exhaustion. Billy told me that he'd wanted to put the barbie for the both of us before the new year, but I thought he was joking. But indeed, he was actually serious about it. I must admit that I ruined the ambience by being a little bit quiet. I was a little bit off. Which brings me back to my point before I talked about the barbeque thingy. I supposed that I'm a little depressed because I know for sure that I feel lonely and again, I suppose the level of loneliness that I am experiencing is at it's extremities. I abstain and isolate myself. For example, even though I live with my brother. I only saw him yesterday. And only tonight he brought me out for dinner.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm feeling lonely. And bored. Out of my mind. I wanted to do things, but I can't afford leisures and luxuries. For example, I wanted to join a gym, but I can't afford it now. I wanted to run, but I can't afford the time, as I am abnormally tired when I get home. Or perhaps, I am making excuses. But in my defence, let's just say, additional funds and time are in limitations at the moment. So I'm thinking of doing something, it's just that I don't know what it is at the moment.

Browsing through facebook didn't even help. I see pictures of friends and family having outings, get together, vacations and holidays... I envy them. I feel I'm wasting space on earth by being alive. No, I'm not suicidal, but it just feels that I lack purpose. Purpose in life. Pah, forget it, that's too deep, I'm just ranting unnecessarily. But it's true, along that line, but not quite. I'm getting weird. I know.

So anyway, that's my life at the moment. And yeah, finished my first week at work i.e. office today, though I came very very late to work, damn Jasmine Tea! LOL... But I finished all of my work in just 2 hours and just sat quietly until it was time to go home. It was a nugatory day.

I know this is just another worthless post of a journal. I hope this dry spell ends soon. Until then...

Lonely Thoughts

2010-01-07T13:09:00.000+08:00

When oneself had spent their time on their own most of the time, one might easily think too much of their past and their future. And for the past few days, I have been doing just that.

I thought about things I wish I could change, things that I would change and things I can change. For the things I can change are still in progress. Changes that significantly transform me physically, mentally and emotionally. I think I have shared this with you in my previous post. Last night was particular a restless night for me. Like I mention in my previous post, all I have been doing after work was sleep and woke up usually around midnight, wide awake, only to fall asleep close to dawn. Last night was no different. I remembered before I had these series of relationship even pre-YKW, I used to sleep in the middle of my bed, post-YKW, I seemed to sleep on 'my' side of the bed. It's weird, and I just thought of it that night. Why do I keep sleeping on one side of the bed?

Another weird thought that I had last night, was past dates texted me. It was as if someone issued a memo telling me that I'm single again, well not that I was in a relationship before but more of a pseudo relationship. But I keep getting this text messages to meet up again. I blatantly refused to meet any one of them. Some of the dates that I had, could easily become as relationship if lust is the main factor of that relationship. But no, I hoping to stay put this time, but I must admit, I was tempted.

Today, I woke up pretty late. I guess, I'm still 'climbing' the routine hill, and needed quite getting used to. I have been nothing but tired all these week since I have started working and commuting in the office. I yawn a lot, although I had enough rest, my back started to ache. I know I had these symptoms before I started commuting and I've had this before also last year. It does take a lot of time and energy to get use to commuting back and forth daily. Only last night, after waking up about 11pm, I've decided to drive and grab some food i.e. Nasi Katok (Knock Rice) and watched the telly until 2am. That was as active I was this week. It turns out, eating way late at night, gave you restlessness and consequently late for work.

I woke up late, hence I arrived the office a little late (okay, much later late). And about two hours later, all of my work got done. Maybe I'm a little over efficient lately. So that's it nothing much left to say. I do apologise that this post lack 'drama'. But I guess, I'm on a dry spell.

Until then...

Gearing up the Routine

2010-01-06T12:47:00.001+08:00

I started writing this post a few days ago. It went as far as just the heading. I wrote the post heading on Monday as I wanted to tell you about my first day at work i.e. first day in 2010 and working back in the office.

When I finished my offshore shift last year, I geared up my mindset to wake up early every morning and visualise a daily working day routine. And I admit I am still trying to gear up to the routine, it's feels weird, somehow. I have not been doing this for almost a couple of years. And to start wearing 'real' work clothes, feels weird, it's like dejavu which I have never had. Something like that. Just different.

Speaking of gearing up, it has been a while since I last wore my work shirt, and guess what? I didn't fit any of them, yes they fit nice on top but around the abdominal area, it's a problematic area. LOL. Only today, I found one shirt that just fits nicely. I forgot that most of my work shirts are slim fitted shirts. And over the last year, I've gained some weight. But I must admit these past few weeks, I've lost quite a few. And I'm hoping to lose some more. Trying to fit into my old work shirts is my new target for this year. These shirts are really nice shirts and it will be such a shame to just put it away just because they didn't fit me anymore. I'll make them fit :)

Today is the third day at work and slowly gearing up for the workload to come. But for the past few days, I have busy trying to clear up the things that was outstanding from 2009 and it is such a task! What's the task you wonder? Trying to get a signature from one particular person. She's just plain difficult and I understand why she does it, it's just that sometimes theory don't fit practicality. She can be quite stubborn. But I guess that's part and parcel of the job.

Life at the moment, is very very quiet. I have been keeping things to myself, I am practically by myself all the time except, of course, during work. I've isolated myself purposely. I need this time alone, and the truth is I feel lonely. But as all things are, trying to get use to the change can be difficult at first, and hopefully, I can be happy just being on my own. Besides driving up and back from work almost 2.5 hours per day can be quite exhausting. I've done nothing but sleep when I got back home. Which actually, I'm trying to avoid. I wanted to join a gym so that I can drop by the gym before coming home, but I haven't recovered financially since November, I'm still struggling, not with making payments but I have less money to spend for leisure.

Other than that, there's not much to say, as I have told you, I'm pretty much by myself everyday. Just me and facebook every other time, and of course, my faithful blog plus you wonderful readers... LOL...

So that's it from me for now.

Until then...

Wrong Ace in my Hand, No More Mr. Nice Guy

2010-01-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

".... If more than that, I pull out". That was the last text message from SA.

Disappointment theme still going on to this year. I started writing a simple text message.

"Am I needed?"

"Sorry, I guess you notice I've got a problem of spending my time with you. You wanna take me out?"

"It's okay, I just want to know if I have been clapping with one hand. Just put me on my place so I can stop hoping"

"Sorry again, you know I'm away most of the time, relationship area, I can't touch. That's my shortcoming"

"Is that an answer or an excuse? Don't get me wrong. I'm not demanding anything. Just wanted to know where I am standing"

"It's an answer. As friends, I'm okay, if more than that, I'm pulling out"

"Thanks"

So that's it. Friends. It always had been friends. I had hopes, not high, some hopes that we could somehow work something together as more than that. Since I have been back from offshore, I have not seen SA. SA invited me to a barbeque get-together at a best friends gathering, after I had made arrangement with my siblings to celebrate new year at a popular cafe spot in Gadong. Asked if we could meet after that, SA told me that friends invited to spend new year at a hotel. After that, I asked again, if we could meet, SA turned me down out of tiredness.

I would be lying if I said I am not upset at all. I am, although, through the times we have spent together, I knew that there we were more than friendship, but somehow, after about 20 days apart later, pseudo relationship went into a cold trail. Perhaps SA found someone else. Maybe. It did cross my mind. Maybe the timing wasn't right. Maybe. I stopped thinking about what went wrong. But I am more angry with myself than I am with SA. I held my aces in the wrong hand. Or perhaps, too long. Pah! Fuck it.

And thus, there it is, the next chapter of my life. NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!!! It is so true what the saying goes "Good guys always end up last". No, more like pathetic. So I'm stopping here. I'm more determined than ever to shut this stupid measly little precious heart of mind down! I'm summoning the evil in my heart, so at least for once in my life time, I end up first. I don't care if it lasts or not. But I get what I want in the end, whether it lasts or not. I refuse to be the victim of my own stupid pathetic heart. My heart, my love is weak. Frail. Lame. Hollow. It has to stop.

2010 will be great for me. This is the year to make my mark. I don't care to whom, where, when or how. It shall be great for me. I know for sure. I'm sick and tired of being the victim, feeling like a victim, treated like a victim. It must stop. I must stop holding out my heart on my sleeve. I know I shouldn't have let SA get to me, but it did. It happened. Stupid, stupid me. Pathetic me. It is time to change.

Until then, live life to the fullest...

Good Riddance 2009

2009-12-31T20:04:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year 2010 to my dear readers, here, there, world wide.

Somehow, if I could summarise 2009 into one word, it would be "disappointment". 2009 have not be gentle and kind to me, 2008 was even worse. And this year was full of heartache and disappointment. I guess, I'm part to blame for living it the way it was. And I suppose changes were within my grasp but I kept as it is and I chose to run it like that. (What am I on about?) But basically, all I'm trying to say, I've got no one else to blame but myself.

I don't know how much fun and surprises, disappointment and sadness, 2010 will bring me. I guess, I'm not having any high hopes for myself in 2010, and even to the point of having any hopes at all, no resolution this year, I'm just going to live it the way it is. I guess that's a better way of approaching things.

As for me and SA, I have been onshore for a day and a half, we still haven't met. Actually we could have met up yesterday at 1a.m. but unfortunately SA was with a group of friends, and I don't feel comfortable to be introduced to SA's friends yet. So I went home. And today, silence. No text or calls. I guess, I've got a feeling that I have been trying to clap with only one hand. That's a malay saying; trying to clap with one hand. Obviously, you can't clap with one hand and it won't make any sound. But then again, we're just friends at the current moment. So nothing is lost, I suppose.

This post is going to be a short one, just to wish my readers a Happy New Year.

So see you guys next year, i.e. tomorrow...

Until then.. be safe, be free

And Finally...

2009-12-30T13:11:00.000+08:00

I'm writing this close to midnight. Tomorrow morning, I'll be going home after being 16 days offshore. It has been quite a long haul, and it has it ups and downs, but this time it is different.

What difference is it from the other offshore shift that I had before, you may wonder? Well, this is my last shift. And I'm not coming back here again. Okay, I know from previous post I have said this before. This time, it is (maybe) for real. I say maybe because it depends if there will be anyone to replace me next year, so otherwise I would have to go to relief my colleagues again.

I have told my boss that I would like to remain onshore doing office work full time, and not relief my colleagues anymore. The reason is, I'm tired. I'm tired of juggling my office work and offshore work, and when I do go offshore, there will be no one to back me up. So no one is cleaning up the mess for me onshore, while I clean up the mess offshore. Messy. That is one word I would describe this shift as. My colleagues and their construction supervisors left too many things open ended, too many things outstanding and too many mess. I had to clean them up. Well, my construction supervisor, Zaki and I, that is. We've manage to clean up, and clear up a lot of things that was outstanding and left over from previous supervisors and from my colleague. I just hope they can keep things to the way it is now, because I am getting sick and tired of cleaning up their mess (and the office).

The office was almost becoming a store room for them to store useless junks. There are still useless engineering packages still laying about in the office, and have instructed them to pack them and send them back onshore. But anyhow, yeah, this is my last trip. But not really, depending a replacement is available or not. But if there isn't, I still try to refuse from going. Actually, I'm good at my job here than I am in the office. The office has too much negative vibes, too many things going wrong at the wrong time. It's tiring, it is like a salmon, struggling against the current, spawn and die. In the end, everything is sort of so and so, with no lesson learnt at all. And when it comes to the next year... It's the same ol' story... again and again... They tried to re-invent the wheel sometimes... which in the end makes you go... WTF?! And you're back to the old drawing board....

(logged off)

I had logged off because the goddamn internet connection wasn't working last night. Now, I'm writing this post in a restaurant, and yes, that means, I'm back onshore already.

I sent a text message to SA when I arrive, to no reply, it is already 1 p.m. Oh well... is it starting again? Anyhow, I don't want to think about it... All I care is to get in bed. But I can't. The goddamn car had it's ABS (Anti Braking System) warning on... it says "ABS Servicing Required" and that means money out... damn, I've just recovered from being broke and now this... it's been a bad financial year for me... Anyhow I hope this will change for next year. Alrighty then, I'm going to leave for the workshop now...

Until then, be safe, be free...

Update of the Insignificant

2009-12-25T17:42:00.000+08:00

Insignificant, because there's isn't much to update. Everything seemed very routine, work - eat - run - sleep. Watching TV when I can, catching up on last season's American Idol.

Other than that, it's like walking on the plains of everything plain. Not much excitement, I must admit. I'm sorry that this post is a let down. There's pretty much nothing else to talk or say or describe. But then again, I've lost some weight. No hang on, I've gain some weight, well actually it's muscle mass that I gained. Those protein shakes do work wonders, as much as I hate taking them. I've got rounder and well-defined shoulders and when I look in the mirror, there is some or maybe just a little sexiness to it. LOL. I'm trying to get my chest pumped up (not of a feminine shape, of course) but trying to build my chest look good, but these chest hairs of mine, they made it look... (I actually paused to think about a word to describe it, hang on...) hmm, unkempt? It has been more than six months since I last had my chest waxed. I know some of you would have thought... "Urgh! Vain!" and some would say "Uuuh, ouch!" But it isn't as bad as you might think.

Anyway, just a query for you readers out there... Are chest hair in? Or out? LOL... I don't mind keeping them, but sometimes, I look at them and felt like ripping my chest skin off. I know there are some permanent and temporary ways to remove them. Believe me, I've done my homework on this one. But on my last relationship, my ex didn't want me to remove them, as it was quoted "sexy". LOL. I don't know, perhaps it is a subjective matter. Some like it, some don't. I definitely don't. Well then again, like that saying, "you always want what you don't have" but then, like another saying "you don't know what you've got until you lose them". I know it is kind of funny being ambivalent when it comes to chest hair. So yeah, chest, getting them pumped up (looking tough) needs me to do bench presses. The thing is, I hate doing weights, I'd rather run or swim. I found that doing weights is such a boring process. So what I usually do when I do weights, I blare a nice calming song and close my eyes as I push and pull. But of all weight lifting techniques, I really hate doing bench presses.

I've started running as mentioned in previous posts, and my performance is as the 'plain' theme for the past week, is just plain. I've tried pushing myself, but still I find myself doing about 7-8 km per hour. Although, I see some improvement in my body, well to be exact, I've seen a reduction on my double chin. I hate looking at myself with a saggy sack of fat under my chin i.e. a fat and flabby jaw. And I know the first place where my fat start to reduce will be definitely under my jaw. And the last place where my fat would disappear would be around my love handles and just below the navel. When I was a small boy, I was skinny as stick. But as a teenager, I grew fat and fatter. And about 4 years ago, I decided to run a half marathon and lost 30 kg. And throughout this past couple of years I gained about 18-20 kg. Now, I'm trying to lose all the weight I've gained. I'm going to keep my weight a little bit higher this time, I'm targeting to lose about 15 kg.

But on the bright side of things, I think having to run 4 nights with 2 nights break had improved my stamina. I feel tired less often, and I feel great waking up each morning, besides the usual body ache after pushing myself too much the night before.

So there you are, a post as insignificant as it is, talking about chest hairs, bench presses and losing weight. Pretty pathetic post, I know. Then again, better this than nothing. I'd hate to disappoint my readers who come here often, only to see it hasn't been updated. I guess something is better than nothing...

Until then, be free...

Delayed Responses

2009-12-19T23:56:00.001+08:00

My shift offshore this time, is as per my last post, walking in the plains. I'm easing up on the work, and finally caught my rhythm. So I managed to catch up with a lot of things plus a couple of confusing surprises in the interim.

Oh before I digress any further, speaking of surprises, I would love to send a dedication of this post to my best friend in the whole wide world, Billy, because it is his birthday today (19th December). Billy, if I am onshore, you'd know that I would always be there for you and I really hate to be away on the day when you were born. My thoughts are with you. All the best and enjoy your day.

Alright, dedication over. Where was I, oh yes, work. Work seems to be in it's rhythmic pace, as an engine running smoothly after accelerating to a certain velocity. And now it is at cruising speed. Okay, I'm going to bitch (or whatever you can call it), but during this shift, I have found out that a lot of fishy things have been going on and managed it put a stop to it, it's a few things that I just couldn't tolerate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm good at doing what I do, I'm just doing to what makes sense, but it seems that my colleagues (subordinates) are bypassing a lot of procedures and using shortcuts in their paper work. Thus, that was why I was really stressed out previously. I wanted to scold them, but they are not here. And biting the heads off my guys here, is pointless, because they came almost at the same time as the time I arrived or even later than I did, so they were clueless as well. So I managed to clean their mess up.

These guys working offshore are really great guys, but sometimes, and applicable to certain people, they can just stray away and taking shortcuts. Today, I scolded one of my guys who was sick but did not informed anyone. But the thing is, they didn't sent anyone to check his room if he is alright or not. So those are the occasional surprises. Other than that, they follow all my instructions. Here, I'm sort of a conductor of an orchestra, waving my baton and they play their tune. Some has to conduct this team, otherwise everyone will just play out of tune. Figuratively speaking.

My life has been compressed to wake up - work - breakfast - work - lunch - work - hi tea - work - meeting - work - run - watch some tv - sleep routine. With Facebooking at different intervals. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I consciously decided to run again, although just on the treadmill, for me it is good enough, and boy oh boy, my performance has significantly declined drastically. I used to run 10-11km in an hour, but now, the furthest distance I've managed was only a measly 7.1km in an hour. I blame my weight gain and my smoking to be the main cause.

Actually, I have significantly reduced my smoking, not because of I wanted to, but I had only brought 3 packs of cigarette with me to offshore. Reason was, I'm broke. Yes, you read me right. I'm that broke, that I can't even buy myself cigarettes. That's because all of my funds in the bank, both my current and savings all went to the pay the lawyers to enable the drawdown for the money to pay the landlady, as previously mention in my past posts. I'm waiting for payday, and I've given my ATM card to my brother to buy me groceries after payday. Pathetic isn't it? But for me, its one of those months that people go through, sometimes...

I am yawning about more than ten times already while writing this post. I am severely tired actually. I'm worried about SA at the moment, no, sit back, chill out, nothing happened! LOL! SA is really really sick at the moment, and I feel so helpless that I couldn't be there for SA. We've been out of contact recently because SA had to travel to KL to accompany a friend, SA was sick before going to KL and SA only returned today, and the flu had gotten worse. I miss SA. My thoughts and prayers are for SA at the moment. Gawd... I'm depressed now.

But anyway, I've got to cut my post short for now, because I'm at the point of sleeping on this laptop. And please spare my grammar and spelling mistakes.... I'm not up to it, I'll post edit when I have time. Alright, take care, be free...

Post Edited... on 20th December 1223hrs

Walking on the Plains...

2009-12-16T12:30:00.000+08:00

It's true, like most changes we make, the first few adjustments is the hardest and then, it's just a walk on the plains... figuratively speaking, that is.

Today is the third day I'm offshore and things started to settle in. Yesterday, I went into the Daily Progress Report, a.k.a DPR, and found that most of the things in the DPR needs to be revamp and that took me about three freaking hours to complete. I am surprise since I left the team, the DPR has deteriorate significantly and it's just pure ridiculous in it. The supervisors and my colleagues have failed to understand the acronym DPR itself. It's Daily Progress Report. Daily. Simple as that, but what I found in the DPR was obsolete information gathered for months and months, and everything seemed jumbled up like wild grass. I simply couldn't understand it.

I remembered when I used to be the CSR (Company Site Representative), the DPR, if it could be described, was like a royal silver platter. Shiny and speaks of truth and just by reading the front cover, you'd get the whole story of what had happened throughout the day. Clear cut and simple. But when I had a good break down of the whole DPR, it's simply dirge. Nonsense. The DPR is in excel spreadsheet format, thus it has some formulas in it, and it's all gone. I remembered on my last few trip about two months ago, I managed to fix all of them. And now they're gone, again! The supervisor who was responsible for all of this have gone back onshore and the supervisor that was here are clueless. So I had to warn him not to meddle too much on the formulas. My colleagues and the supervisors are not really computer literate, thus why the DPR had degraded so much to the form it was, as of yesterday.

I'm not saying I'm good at my job, and others are terrible at it, it's just that I make improvements for them, but like my last post, it is easy for them to get back to their old habits, taking short cut or taking things way to lightly. I guess some of the mistakes comes from me as well, the DPR were sent to me daily but being offshore, taking leaves and managing other work keeps me away from eyeing on their mistakes. But then again, every handover I left, every time I cover for my colleagues, I always highlight this to them, but it seems it goes to deaf ears. I guess some sayings are true, "you can't teach old dogs, new tricks". My colleagues are much older than I am, and that explains why they are a little bit illiterate when it comes to new technologies, I don't know, sometimes, giving up is a less troublesome option.

Speaking about giving up, I'm sure you have read the shoutmix box on the right column of this blog. Harsh words there. But I've given up, but I would like to thank Siti, whoever she is for leaving a very very strong opinion. My guess is that Siti knows me, and obviously hates my guts. I think a stranger wouldn't have such a strong opinion for the things that had happened to me. But I take some, I leave some... Like that my favourite saying I got from a comedy sitcom 'Becker' "Opinions are like ass, everyone has them, but no one wants to hear them". I'm not going to defend myself to the attack, 'opinion'. I'd just have to be thankful for the comment. And I hope Siti can move along, because to my opinion, It's just way to sad and funny actually... Then again, that's just my ass speaking, figuratively, that is.

But it does makes me think though. Those opinions will contradict significantly if those opinions came from my friends and *gasp* dare I say my family. LOL. I guess, people who knows me, know me and it doesn't come so much as a surprise to them. Otherwise I won't have friends and family at all... But I do, so I'm glad that some things that I have done in my life have turned out just fine. So I don't have to change nothing for no one for no reason. The are few things in life that we are clueless about, then again, who doesn't? The meaning of life? Is it a lamp or is it a blanket? What is it? LOL... (A private joke between me and Lara :P )

At one course, that I took a few years ago, we talked about mindset. It's actually a bad thing to have but can be used in a positive way as well, it all depends. Mindset put limitations in your mind and add specific stigma. With this mindset, a word would sum it up and this word express it, and that word is typically called stereotyping. We do this almost everyday unconsciously. So if I had to give an 'opinion' back to Siti, to open up her eyes and free herself. Then again, take it or leave it... It's just an opinion. It's not much fun being on the receiving end, is it? Well, touché, touché...

Until then, love always, be free....

Countdown

2009-12-15T11:08:00.007+08:00

At the moment, there are a few countdowns that I'm thinking of. Like everyone else, one countdown to the New Year. And others are my countdowns for my long haul offshore, and the last countdown till the time I get back onshore.

I am really dragging my feet when it comes to going offshore. I blame being offshore as part of the reason why some of my relationship had failed. And this thing with SA, I am really afraid of losing this one. Although it is not a relationship as such, but I guess in the last few days we have bonded nicely, learning about each other, perhaps to find compatibility. So far we found many differences between us, in terms of personality and the way we manage things. SA is introvert, whereas I am extrovert. I am very expressive, while SA keeps things hidden and subdued.

I confess that I sometime wish that I am introverted. Sometimes, keeping quiet and keeping things to yourself have this awe of strength. It shows a strong personality. Whatever problems that they face they keep it bottled up, and others would look at them and find strength that they are able to withstand such tremendous pressure. Where as others would have just burst into tears or into a thunder of rage. But as some saying goes, "the best strength are also their best weaknesses". There will be times when as much one can vessel up pressure, one would reach the limit.

(Logged off)...

I have actually stop writing the post because somehow I had a writer's block. I just couldn't get to tail off the ending. So I just logged off. The previous paragraphs were wrtitten on the 11th December and now it is the 15th December and guess where I am? That's right, offshore. I have been here since yesterday and this is the second day out of sixteen days that I will be here. I am very much so counting my days that I even had a percentage formula to count the remaining time I have left. And yes, if you had to ask, I have 93.47% left remaining. I can count it to any amount of decimal points you'd like.

So anyway, as I was saying about SA, being introverted. I know it is a subjective matter, but that is how I view it as. It does take a lot of courage to bottle up your emotions. I've tried opening it up, and SA was very quick to shut it tight again. I guess, like the saying, it rings true, some also view this as a weekness. The fear of confronting your emotions. But then again, within that weaknesses, it does take a lot of courage to keep it in. I guess it's a conscious decision to do as so.

As for me, I blurt out easy, not secrets but emotions. When I'm happy, I show it, when I'm sad, I show it, when I'm angry, I show it. I show my emotions. But only recently, I've learnt to bottle it up. Like this feeling I have for SA. Although it is out in the open, but I still take a step back and abstain from pouring my heart out. Keeping my mouth shut. And just let the moment pass. For me, SA has this ability to pull and push me to my own place. And so far it is a comfortable place. SA would push me away, by sub-consciously making me bottle myself up, and pull me back when it seems that I was too far aback.

You maybe wondering that it looks like SA is playing a game of push and pull. It's actually not anywhere close to that. And yes, I am opening my eyes wide open. I believe that SA is only doing this for some reason, although yet a mystery, I sort of understand. SA is very different from any relationship that I ever had. One main difference is that I am the one who wants to have this relationship when it is always the other half who wants to have it, and I'd would just agree to have the relationship because I fear 'what-ifs'.

So how is work offshore this time? To sum it up; crazy! But I guess, at some point, I'd have to stomp my foot on the ground. I sent a really nasty email to appropriate parties because the supervisors in the team have been abusing their overtime claims. It comes to a point where I just could not tolerate. Work has ground to a halt because no supervisor was staying on-board. He only arrived at about 4pm and it was too late to do anything. It's really frustrating. And the office, gawd, it is so easy for them to get back to their bad habits. Other than that, it's normal, normal in this sense, is them back to their habis that is. Oh the army is around this time, they are usually here doing their combat exercise, if you remember I wrote about them about the same time last year, click here. So that's about it, I actually paused for a long moment to read my old post from last year... Gawd the pain and joy I went through that year... pathetic wasn't I? Then again, have that all changed... LOL I DON'T THINK SO. I don't think I've learnt from my mistakes which by default makes me a stupid guy. Yes, at least I admit that much. As Forrest Gump use to say... "Stupid is what stupid does"...

Until then... Love always...

Rebooting My Emotions

2009-12-10T04:11:00.000+08:00

There will be plenty of times when I can get overwhelmed by my own emotions.

And I've learnt a new skill lately, which is rebooting my emotional system. And put it into blur mode. It works wonders. Separating my emotional thinking and using my rational thinking instead, but in the background the emotional thinking running. Does that make sense?

I've learnt to be 'there' (i.e. with SA) yet keeping myself at pace, bracing myself for any sudden halt. And so far, there haven't been any. I've confessed and confided my emotions with SA. But yet SA kept everything at bay. But SA have been giving positive signals and feedback lately. I would be lying if I say I had no hopes. I do. I am hoping that SA would reciprocate my feelings. Yeah, if you think high hopes, that stands true as well. But I am always at standby mode to brace myself to cushion my heartbreak if so happens.

But as the advice that came via comments, most of you reading, are right. And I know you're thinking the same, as most readers. To take it slow and keeping pace with the changes. This thing or whatever you can call it, with SA is new to me actually. What I'm feeling for SA is new to me. It is different than every other feelings that had with my previous engagement. For the first time I feel insignificant and I feel somewhat close of a beggar. A beggar for love. Sort of. It's weird, but when I receive positive vibes from SA, I feel a natural high. Most of the time, SA kept being neutral. In a way keeping me at bay sometimes, keeps me where I am supposed to be. There will be times when I become pushy perhaps, so that is the time I get my 'time out'.

So what's been going on with SA? Nothing much, we kept in contact, we see each other when there's time and kept our relationship as, I suppose, friends; for now. I've confessed that I wanted to be more than friends, but at the same time, telling SA that I'm willing to wait for SA to come out of the shell and confided back. I'm not expecting terrific news or for the wind to sweep off my feet, but at the same time, I'm not receiving bad news either. Just yet. But so far, so good. Practically nothing to report.

One thing I'm happy to report is that, tomorrow, I'll be signing my land deal. I'm uber excited. Uber psych about it. I'm one step closer to my dream home. I had engaged an architect, and the house plan is on going at the moment. Things are looking good. After so much arguing, screaming, shouting, heartaches, headaches and stress, finally it comes down to this. A step closer to the end of the rainbow. And I'm broke for the first time in many many years. Even I had to borrow money off my sister-n-law to spend for this week. I'm absolutely skint. The reason for this, I had to use all available funds to pay off the lawyers, otherwise I wouldn't be able to drawdown the funds to pay off the landowner/landlady. A little bump in the road for the smooth journey ahead is what I'd like to think. So bear in mind readers. Always have some money set aside, because there are always little bumps like this before you can be scot-free of you own estate. Which made me think that, going away offshore for the days to come doesn't hurt much. While offshore, everyday, no fiscal exchange will be made, my food will be available every day, my laundry will be washed by the caterers, my bed will be made by the room boys, and every night I'd be earning extra money. A win some - lose some kindda thing. What's lost, you may wonder... My life. Lifestyle I mean. It'll be work - eat - sleep routine.

While offshore as well, I'm planning to keep fit, since I have access to the gym. I'm thinking of joining the Brunei half marathon April 2010. Maybe. Not sure if 3-4 months is enough. Bear in mind, I haven't ran in almost 4 months now. Also I miss my slim figure. Right now, underneath my clothes... my body have literally gone pear shape. So yeah... Besides, my 32nd birthday is coming soon, so I'm thinking I wanna look my best for my birthday...

Besides, I've been thinking to make a photo shoot like Lara did a few weeks ago. And if I am to do that, I wanna look my best, and of course, most likely slim looking, and with the make up and clothes, hotter is what I'm looking for, so yeah... I'm thinking of all of these things, just that, if I could stop procrastinating and just get it on....

So far, that's it... Tomorrow will be the signing, a huge moment in my life. Oh, I mean today, since I'm writing this at freaking four in the morning. The signing will be at eight, four hours from now. So I should better get some sleep.

Until then...

You Know What? I'm Taking My Words Back...

2009-12-08T00:51:00.000+08:00

I know it's impossible to take your own words and eat it up. And I don't mean to write an apologetically post. But with regards to my last post; I know crap, I know nothing about love, feelings and what-have-you-not. I have evidence of it. Nine failed relationships in 13 months... How crap could I be?

Who am I kidding? I've gotten way over my head, didn't I? I knew it, I knew you'd agree. I've let my emotions run over all of my thinking. I am a stupid bleeding daft git. As ambivalent as I am, as a fool as I am, as an idiot as I am, one thing that might be ironic to some is that I'm a realist. People who know me, I keep things real. And this is the reason for this post. Trying to keep it real. Yeah, perhaps you are right, maybe you are right, that I'm having cold feet with this wonderful new... I don't even know what I could call it as, this thing I'm having, this once sided sad story of mine...

Why all of a sudden did I write this post? Well, for a start, with these kind of thoughts in my mind, you can as hell forget trying to get me to sleep. I'll just toss and turn like a freaking tumble dryer. The other reason is my ambivalence. I'm afraid. All of a sudden I had this feelings of 'freaking out' perhaps married people call it 'cold feet'. I don't quite know how this freak out happened. Perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me. It's just that, I had a thought, what on earth could I do to make SA happy? I freaked out, my mind was like an innocent kid, raising his shoulders and hands up, shaking his head, gesturing I don't know, it wasn't me... I'm starting to think that I'm incapable of loving anyone anymore. No, no, this is not a drama I'm making for myself. I know what you are thinking... No.

I wanted to express it to you, my dear readers, but it's just too gray in scale to even describe what I am trying to say. In fact, I wanted to cry (yeah, I know, such a sissy thing!), because I really don't want to break SA's heart. I really don't want SA to be part of my embarrassing statistic. I don't want to hurt no more. It's just that. I know I can change but then again, really? Can I? Seriously?

I know what I wrote in my previous blog sounds so "aww, so love-y dove-y, aww so sweet", but wake up and smell the coffee! Who am I kidding, really... Seriously... Really! So I'm taking it all back. I know that I could just delete the post and let it to that. But I would know that I wrote it and deleting it would make this post, even freakier! Rambling! Pah! Okay, at least it's out of my chest. Thank you blog for listening...

Better shut up now, than digger deeper into my own grave. Until then... (I don't want to spell check... I'm to embarrassed writing it already, let alone reading it again!)

A First Time (Perhaps)

2009-12-07T14:11:00.001+08:00

I'm not sure, if this is the first time I've felt like this. Missing someone like crazy. Missing someone badly.

I feel like a fool right now. I don't know if I had mention this before, but if you track back of all my post that I have written, of all the relationship that I have been through, I consider only one that remains real and have touched my life tremendously. That was my relationship with YKW.

If you had known YKW, you could ask when did I said the sacred three word? If you don't know, let me tell you then. I told YKW "I love you" almost four months into the relationship. It was very difficult for me to say those words. When YKW said those words to me, my replied was "thank you". It didn't go well, at first, but after explaining why I had said so, YKW understood that it takes time for me to say what I really feel. I wasn't sure at first, but I am thankful to YKW's perseverance, we managed to stay together for two wonderful years.

So what is this first time I am on about this time? Truth to be told, despite the number of relationships that I had under my belt, it takes time for me to really fall in love, although I must admit those three words were easily expressed after my relationship with YKW. Perhaps, subconsciously, maybe, I was desperate to share and spend my life with someone. I remember telling YKW that I really really really really really like YKW, before admitting that I was in love. Before YKW, I loved to be single, living the life that I always wanted. I have been bounded by my family so much, back then, I did everything for them, and when I 'lost' them, I was enjoying my own life for the very first time. You can say that was the point in time, I was most independent. And enjoyed it very well. My single, carefree life came to an abrupt halt when YKW entered my life. And slowly, everything changed; for the better, when I think about it now.

When YKW left, I was so dependent for emotional support, even physically. Basically, within those two years, I've let YKW become my emotional crutch. And perhaps that was the reason why it was easy for me to say those three words after YKW. Subconsciously, desperate perhaps. I don't know, maybe it's not my place to judge, perhaps it is others to judge and comment the way I lived my life. After YKW, I embarked on almost nine relationship in the course of 13 months. I say almost nine, because one relationship lasted 10 days, and the decision was relatively mutual, because, well, let's just say, I accidentally entered a relationship triangle. And my presence was not required and I excused myself from the complication. Enough about past relationship. But all of them inclusive of YKW, they were the one who proposed the relationship to me, and me being ambivalent, just accepted it willy nilly, without much thought and consideration. If you remembered in my previous posts, I was merely giving the time and chance if things could work out, but eventually none manage to last.

Talk about digressing... so yeah... This is the first time that I feel compelled to propose a relationship. This is the first time, that I am so much attracted to someone. This is the first time, I feel that I truly wanted to be with someone. This is my very first time of falling in love. Don't get me wrong, there isn't a relationship at the moment. I am not in a relationship. So far, from my knowledge, I am the only one feeling like this. I have no or very little clue what SA is feeling at the moment. Perhaps SA is a cautious or carefree just like I was before YKW. I don't know. Like I said previously, I feel like a fool. Somehow naive like falling in love for the first time. I feel pretty silly about myself. I feel so stupid.

Being offshore doesn't help, I suppose, I feel helpless, that I can't do anything to make things happen. Perhaps, this is a blessing? Perhaps this the divine ways of trying to slow me down and not rush into things. Good God! Can you tell me how many "perhaps" that I have written in this one post? Talk about being ambivalent eh?

Work kind of sucks at the moment, no, not because it is a Monday. But particularly on the behaviour of my team lately, they have been taking shortcuts and manipulating things around. Which is totally unacceptable and irresponsible behaviour. I have been offshore for the last few months, relieving for my colleagues for a few days. I have told them time and time again, to clean up the office. The office is slowly piling heaps of worthless paper containing outdated information. So last night while they were having dinner, I locked the doors and pulled all the stickies and paper stuck on the wall. All of them. I have been asking them to rotate the table to make more space for people to work on, for months! And last night, I did it all by myself and I found so many rubbish hidden behind the table. It was disgusting. There was a plastic cup that looks like have been left there for months. It is simply ridiculous. All these while I have been tolerating all of these things, but last night was the last draw. Sometimes, you'd just have to do the dirty work yourself.

In the office lies on the table, a desktop PC, which we have been using to do work, but unable to connect to the internet. For months and months, they have been provided with a reliable laptop to work on, and yet it remained sitting on the other desk unused. I have told them repeatedly to transfer all of their work to the laptop, but nothing have been done so far. So today, again, I draw the line. I transferred everything myself! Shut off the PC for once and for all. I can't even to begin to describe the condition on the table. It is absolutely revolting, dust and stains of unknown nature, and cable wires... everywhere!

I just realised how much relief it is to write down your frustration. I just hope that it has no effect on you. Sometimes, vibes, positive and negative in nature, can be infectious. But anyway, today is my last day, and tomorrow morning, hopefully I will be home bound. I can't wait to see SA again.

So anyway, enough ranting, until then....

The Pulling Force

2009-12-05T13:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes there are some saying generalising that "the harder you try to avoid and resist, the stronger the pull".

And yes, this time around, I am talking about love, but not love per se. I am highly and deliriously infatuated with someone at the moment. It was just one stupid blind date (I knew, I should have avoided it!!!). I'm hoping to get this feeling over and done with. But I just couldn't put a finger, what this feeling that I am having. I know I've felt like this before and these feelings will led me to a path that I am trying to avoid at the moment. But the more I try to avoid, the inevitable it becomes.

If you had imagined a perfect partner for you, physically, emotionally and psychologically, and then one day, that perfect partner that you imagined, came into your life. Would you still turn your cheek away to proof to your own word if you had said in the first place that you will not fall in love again. If you ask me, I'm trying hard to bite my lips at the moment.

(Logged off...)

I am offshore at the moment. The previous paragraph was written two days ago, and a few things had happened since then. I did something really silly. I entertained my heart. The opportunity was there and I grabbed hold of it. And now I'm really head over heels. As I got to know my date, SA, the deeper I've fallen. I had a getaway with my gorgeously transformed girlfriend (as in friend), Lara, and I asked SA to join me. And I am madly (dare I say) fallen in love. But at the moment, I don't know if this feeling I am having is mutual. I guess, SA is keeping neutral about it. I have made my peace with SA with regards to my feelings. But SA kept being a mystery about it, but at the same time gave positive gestures of interests. But I'm taking things slow, of course, not rushing about it.

I'm keeping my thoughts positive and keeping my mind in optimism. Oh, that getaway with Lara was a great one, I'm glad I said yes to her invite. On the first night we spent together, she made a confession that her heart have been wooed by a peculiar wonderful soul. She had never had these kind of emotions before, and in turn, I confessed my feelings about SA and it became a great night. We almost slept with each other as in sleep, but I remembered that I did not take a single minute of sleep since the day before and I must be really tired, and when I do, I snore. So I went back to my room to catch a few hours of sleep. I slept like a baby. Our getaway was at this beautiful location, a B&B. It was such a great place to be and it exist in Brunei even. I know that sounds really hard to believe but true. It was fantastic. The next day was Lara's transformation as a writer. Lara who is also an avid reader of this blog is a brilliant writer. She writes like a painter, describing every little details of her encounter with the world. This transformation was for a photo shoot that she always wanted to have. I was there half of the time, the other half of the time, I went back to my bed and laptop to surf. The reason for this, was that I wanted to be uber surprised by her transformation, and that effect will be greatly enhanced if I didn't see the shoot itself.

Not long after that, we discussed about the barbeque that we will be having for that night, with the photographers and stylist. I had to go out and bought some drinks and food, the chicken were already marinated earlier that night. In just a few hours, all of us convene at the garage stuffing our face with food. It was nice. Later that night, when everybody left, we cleaned up the place and retreated to our own rooms. And that was the night when I met SA and we sat by the porch and talked things over. I only got a few hours of sleep. The next day, I met SA again. We talked some more, but SA seemed reluctant to tell what's bothering. SA seemed a little spaced out. But SA said it was not me that was bothering the mind...

And yesterday I left for offshore and I am missing SA terribly, and today is my second day offshore. The first thought I had was all about SA. I don't know why I am like this... It's coming to a point of ridiculous. But I am happy being ridiculous. I miss SA so much. Even though technically we're not together. (yet?) But I'm taking things slow, I always need a reminder because sometimes I can get ahead of myself too much. As probably you have known.

So anyway, until then...

Breaking your Heart (Again)

2009-12-01T02:50:00.003+08:00

Hang on, it's not about love. No, no, I'm still single, I've avoided dating again. No issues on that area. Yet. LOL.

Anyway, what breaks my heart at the moment is the situation with my family. I don't know what's wrong with my family, they have the tendency to just break your heart. I don't want to talk about it here as it is, of course, a private nature. I guess in some ways, families can be like a drug. It's good for you and and sometimes when it gets abused, otherwise. It breaks my heart when I see a family member causing the heartbreak and sometimes I wonder when will they grow up.

At the moment, I love to stand far away from the matter and keeping my distance well clear. My family have the tendency to pull me, like a gravitational pull into their problems. Expecting me to clear all of thier sins and problems. In all honesty, I am sick and tired of solving their problems. In fact I kept on wondering why? Why have problems? Why create problems?

Problems seek you in two ways. One, you seeking problem, and the second, problem comes to you, seeking for you. The second is what I am going through at the moment, but I am trying my best to send clear of the things that they are involved with. It's frustrating, it's really frustrating. I've had my problems but very rarely did I bring them into the it. And these problems that came to them are easily avoidable, but lies, manipulation and deceit is up and alive within them. They subdue problems instead of sloving them. Always expecting in one way or another for others to confront them.

Of course, you may say, "hey, it's your family, you have to be there for your family". Yeah you have a good point there, but sure, you help them once, or twice or maybe more than a hundred. but after a while when they keep repeating these self-made problems, avoidable problems, throughout your life, it comes to a point where you want to draw the line. It's frustrating to see them ruin their own lives and expecting other to solve them. So I'm keeping well clear this time. besides, I hate solving problems for them. Because if I do get worked up and emotional, I often say the blunt truth which then comes out as my error. And all of the sudden it is all my fault.

These are the some parts of the issues that I still have with my family. They are as if acting like this rebellious teenager, causing havoc and problems in your life. And all of the sudden, you're the 'parent' and had to attend these issues and problems. It's frustrating, when these problems are cause by mature adults. My siblings are not children anymore. All of them have kids. So why can't they just mature and just freaking grow up!

Okay, frustration over. Until then...

Happy Day

2009-11-26T03:48:00.000+08:00

I have been back to onshore since Tuesday I came back home to found out that my mobile phone was not working, it just wouldn't turn on. At first I thought my phone's battery was dead, but upon charging, there was even no indication that the phone was charging. Feeling deprived of 'communication', I sent the phone to be repaired. I thought it was either my charger was faulty, or perhaps the battery. But the technician had a look and it was neither of them, it was the phone.

The technician told me if the software was malfunctioning, it would only take a day, but if it was the hardware, it would take about couple of weeks. It dawn on me, that if it takes a couple of weeks, I can't live like that... So I did something truly stupid. I bought a new phone. It was an impulse buy. But nevertheless very very therapeutic. So what gadget did I buy myself this time? It's an LG KD900 better known as LG Crystal. It has the first and only see-through keypad and it is such an awesome thing to hold. I bought the phone using online on QQeStore, the saleslady (whom I'm very familiar with), asked what type of phone am I interested in. I said, "three things, one, it has a touchscreen, because everybody seems to be on it, and I do feel jealous and envious, secondly, no windows mobile, I hate their lag, so it must be a symbian OS, and iphone is just damn expensive for me. Lastly, it also owns a keypad. So that I can SMS while driving (Note: Don't deny it, you do it too!!!). She scanned in her head... and said, "Ahh, yes, LG Crystal!!!"

I heard about it, I've seen pictures of it, but once I had it in my hands, there was no turning back. I just fell in love with it, instantly. The technology in this phone is just amazing. I've had LG mobile phones before. The LG KS20 which is the first Windows Mobile for LG mobile phones and the LG Viewty which is rated the best camera phone at one point in 2007. I sold both of them because when Windows mobile although has it's advantages suffers from serious lag problems. And I let go of the Viewty, because a friend wanted to buy his girlfriend a new phone (but in the end, he used it instead and gave his phone to his girlfriend, but it's good to know they're married last week). So I'm back with LG with an S-Class OS which is unique to LG. And it's such a wonderful gadget to have, it's animation is top class, I do admit.

So anyway, yeah, this new phone that I had just bought, is definitely a good one. Some setbacks though, the review for the camera although it is an 8 megapixel camera was bad. If you want to know more about this phone please click here. So happy with my therapeutic purchase, and as soon as I inserted my SIM card into it and turned it on, I had a lot of text messages coming in, and one text message was from my relative/estate broker. She said the lawyers have been trying to get in touch with me but my phone was unreachable. So I called my relative/estate broker, and she explained everything to me, then I called the lawyers and they explained latest updates to me. Not long after that, we booked an appointment for Wednesday at 2pm with the lawyers. When we got there, the lawyer who was in charged, double booked us, but his assistant, was very helpful with us, she gave us all the neccessary forms and asks us to come back at 4pm. She said if we wanted to get the matter settled, we will need to settle everything on that day itself because the lawyer in charged of my estate case will be taking leave for a full week the next day. She asked if the landowner could come as well, so everything can be signed and the deal sealed on that day. It was a mad rush and we were lucky that the landowner was living quite close by to where the lawyers office are.

So at 4pm we reconvene to the lawyers office as stated with all our forms and necessary documents all ready photocopied. And we had our meeting, basically what happened was the lawyer needs to explain everything that we signed. The lawyer was adorable, adorable in this sense is that, this particular lawyer who is malay, had difficulty in explaining in his own language. That's because later, I've learnt that he spend most of his life in the UK growing up and practising law. So he spoke in a very standard malay and the way he explained it was more or less described as adorable. He was explaining it to the landowner who is a lady. But anyway, adorable as he was trying hard to explain, he does carry a charismatic personality and especially when he was talking to me in english, because he was aware that I speak english fluently.

So everything is signed and I am a step closer to own my own property. Well, not entirely, as the property will be assigned as collateral to the bank as well until I make full payment of my mortgage loan. So with everything settle, I'm really psych about it.. Oh by the way one thing I've not told you, the same day, I got a call from the phone shop. My phone have been repaired. And erm, yes, I have one extra mobile phone... Anybody interested? Selling it off for $400 ono. Market price now at $500+. Bought it when it was $695. The phone model is a cybershot phone by SonyEricsson C905. Bought it in May this year. Just in case, drop me a shout in in my shoutmix or email me. Anyway, I feel tired now, and I think it is time for me to have a good night sleep. Until then...

Down

2009-11-24T02:55:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling down at the moment. I just wish that this depressing feeling just go away and leave me alone. But I feel, it's really hard to describe, but I think, the closest word that could describe this feeling I have is lonely.

I feel empty. I feel hopelessness. I'm not sure where this feelings come from. But I feel like I've lost aim in life. I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days. I will be leaving a in a few hours. And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings. I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that. But I feel so empty inside. I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried. I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear). I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad about myself.

Maybe with the recent contact with 'E' had made me realise my mistakes. I have been chatting with 'E' recently. He told me something that really hurts me. After breaking up with me, he avoided places and things that reminded of our relationship. We used to share something (it's private), one would call it a toy, and left it for me to take care. When 'E' asked me to take care of it, 'E' told me that 'E' had never parted with it, until 'E' knew me. When we broke up, I returned this cuddly 'toy' back to 'E'. When we were chatting in MSN, we were reminiscing the good times and this 'toy' got mention. 'E' told me that all of the things that were associated with me, we either thrown or given away. And it includes "E's" car. 'E' had even sold the car that we once sat in and drove around with.

It broke my heart. It really did. I've never meant to 'destroy' someone like this. I feel bad and guilty for treating 'E' badly towards the end of our relationship, badly in this sense, that I just moved on while 'E' suffered for months in silence. I don't know what to make of it anymore. And one thing for sure, I didn't get the last laugh in this drama.

I'm not proud of the man I was, I'm not proud of the man I am, I'm so ashamed of myself. All I did was hurtful. When I think about it again, disrespectful. When I think more about it, I despise myself. I know I can't change the past, but I guess I have the present and the future to change things. I believe that I have been so lost with myself, with my own arrogance and idiocy, in my own stupid world, to realise the consequence of my actions.

And now, I feel lonely as ever. And yes, you are right. I deserve it. But I guess, in time, I'll learn. I've learnt my mistakes, and I will try to be a better man this time. No promises.

My love life have so far, have screeched to a stopping halt. And I confess that I'm having a hard time about it. I've refrained from dating. But it feels so hurtful to be single again. I think my drugs have been love and relationships that now without it, it's just, too hard to describe, despair, disappointment, loneliness, pain, emptiness are all combined into one. I'm sure I'll get over it, and I hope it's sooner. I'm actually lost in my own sentences. This post doesn't make sense to me. It's so jumbled up.

I should stop now. Until then...

Errands Galore

2009-11-24T02:30:00.001+08:00

(This post was written on the 18th November)

My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep. I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep. But at least I had a good night sleep.

I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon. But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave. Today, the one errand that I'm running became two. I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank. And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again. It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment.

I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and trying hard to figure out what was the reason for the worrying and anxiety. And it becomes clearer even after I read the comment from Maria.M : "It is normal to feel anxiety from time to time. The unease, intense worry or nervousness gives character to life's already colorful graph. It is human to feel. Like the 'S' curve of development... you could be climbing from the bottom curve... or are you at the top curve approaching the cliffhanger?"

I think I am going through something of the latter. I'm about to fall off. Fall from or of something, which I still have to figure out. But there feels a great sense of change in me which I am reluctant to do, yet I had to face up, and it feels inevitable. There's something that I have done recently, that probably explains the anxiety. And I only shared it with my best friend, Billy. I have told him that I am going to become celibate (of relationship and love). I told him that I'm cutting those feelings and learning to numb my heart and mind from ever going to that place again. Probably that was why I was anxious. Once I announce my intentions, I became conscious that I have to keep my word that I have just said. Maybe, I worry too much that I might fall again into the same trap. Sometimes, I just keep on wondering, where would you draw the line between trying and giving up? Am I giving up of love? Or am I pushing all intentions to fall in love again? I'm rambling and I know, you're lost in these sentences, I'm lost as well... But it feels so weird when I have consciously have decided and say it, that I'm closing that road that leads to relationships.

I guess, I have said those words before but maybe perhaps this time I mean it. I guess I have decided that this time, even when I found the "perfect" one, I will have to turn it down. And perhaps knowing that, that will happen, gave me the anxiety attack.

(I've decided to still publish this post, and I don't think I could finish it. Perhaps those feelings have gone and I've lost the momentum of the post. Thus, I shall leave it to this, I'm sorry that this post left my readers hanging... Perhaps this post were never meant to finish... Until then)

Love Revisited

2009-11-20T07:27:00.000+08:00

Last night I had a revisit from a previous love. I met up with one of my ex "E", after being apart for almost six months.

The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends. And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears. Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret. Mostly regret from my part. This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other. It was a mutual understanding. Well, now, I must say, I was stupid. I am stupid. I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face.

Now, guess who had the better life? And no, it isn't me. My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it. What hurts was that my ex said, "I think from the looks of it, we could last long, because he's a simple guy, quiet, honest, loving and everything that I could ask from a man". Ouch! That hurts... And from the looks of it, my ex did not say it in a way to piss me off. Because what happened next was touching to me. "Honestly, and I can't deny it though, I'm still very much in love with you, and I still miss you every single day, even until now". I just broke into tears.

My ex knew that things wouldn't have worked even if we tried back then, in fact, things had turn into worse, just after we broke up due to my ex's change of lifestyle and personal and family matters. And at that time, my ex told me, it was so busy that there was not even time to mourn for our lost relationship, which was also a blessing. I was an idiot. I am an idiot.

But it seems that my ex is happy, but also sad when we were reminiscing our relationship together. We agreed that more than 90% of the time we spent were special and great. A lot of laughters and joy were spent in that relationship. It only went sour because I had a change of heart. I fell out of love with my ex, and I couldn't hide it any longer and we broke off, I wrote about the breaking up here (click here).

But after last night tears and confession, I feel so stupid, my eyes is still sore after crying so much. I'm not a man who shed tears easily. But right now, I feel stupid and depressed. I told my ex, "at least, the stupid one is me, and look at me now, I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself. I've failed more relationship after being with you, one thing that is obvious now, you don't deserve me, you deserve better and you are deserving it now". But it was good that we met, my ex wanted to introduce me to the new man in my ex's life. But I declined. Of course, everyone would know the reason to that.

I feel so happy to see my ex, but I feel so sad about myself. I feel sorry for myself, I regret saying and doing the things to my ex. One thing that I can't change about me now, is that I'm not happy, I feel lonely and I have no one else to blame but myself. But I guess, it's just a subjective matter. Looking at the glass half empty or half full. And from where I am now, it's half empty. No, just plain empty. I know what I am doing to myself at this moment is the right thing to do, and like every right thing to do, is painful and hurtful. But certain things have to be done. My ex said to me, "without any shatter of a doubt, if I am single right now, I would go through it all again, start all over again and spend my life with you again".

So as you can see, after hearing those, tears just flows. How could I have been so blind and oblivious to my ex's feelings. It breaks my heart to hear those words. But I guess that's the way life works. Biting you in places you least expect. So anyway, I should stop writing now, because writing this post had made me gone teary again. By the way, I've written a post which I have not publish yet, because I haven't finished writing it. I will post it soon. Until then...

Anxious

2009-11-18T01:53:00.000+08:00

Tonight, I'm feeling anxious.

I don't know what's wrong, but something feels amiss. Something feels not right. It got me wondering am I having relationship withdrawal syndrome? Today, from early morning till now (which is midnight), I have been by myself. Well not entirely, but I didn't have the company of my friends or family, let alone a lover. I woke up pretty late, and attended my errands, which is to re-fill the forms for my insurance and sent it to the bank and send the form back to the insurance agent which all ends in pretty much less than an hour.

After that, I had my breakfast, lunch and dinner in a cozy little restaurant, I spent about three hours there and went home. I've stayed home since then up till now. Maybe perhaps I feel a little claustrophobic being in the house for too long. And I have been so anxious that I finish half a pack of cigarette. I'm not sure why, my tongue feels dry and I drank a lot of water causing me to pee almost every half hour. I watched tv the whole night, but half of my mind was else where, well, not anywhere in particular just blank. Even as I slouched on my bed with my computer on my lap. I feel a little agitated.

Something IS wrong. I don't know what it is, the last time I took caffeine was at 4pm, so I know that's not the cause... Seriously, something feels... it is very difficult to describe. Anxious.

I'm writing this in this state, maybe things may fall out of my head, through my fingers and release all this anxiety. But that doesn't seem to work, as I still couldn't work out what is wrong with me.

But anyway, I guess, I should stop here. Today's 'therapy' didn't seem to work.

Until then...

Getting Ahead of Myself

2009-11-15T03:58:00.000+08:00

How am I going to say this? Let me see...

Actually, I've started dating again. The latest date that I had, pulls me back to the same cycle again. No, don't get off your chair just yet (to smack me). But I'm trying my best to pull every energy left of me to avoid going back to the same situation.

I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit. But not this fast. It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed. No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it. Well, honestly, still resisting it. It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds. Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again. Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog. No, it's not, it's a story of me. Kellaz. A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations. But sure enough, I have to agree, for the past few months or perhaps a year, this blog have been revolving around my love stories. No, correction, my pathetic love stories.

I know it's weird to pour out so much into a blog, especially being in Brunei (it is a place where everybody almost know everybody, seriously, really), stories like this do get around easily. But I'm not doing this for attention or fame. But, every single time I write my thoughts and feelings on the blog, that nudging feeling, the burdening feeling on your head and shoulder eases up a little bit. But from recently experience, some of my thoughts were retaliated against. I guess, the saying is true, you can't please everyone. Nevertheless, eventually we move on to better things.

I would love to write more on this current... (I'm thinking of what to call it), it's not a relationship for sure, and it's more than a date), but this... situation that I am in. But one thing I am sure of, I find myself pulling out, because I guess, the other party is pushing too hard on me. I feel trapped somehow, it's a weird feeling. Secretly I want in, but I am seriously traumatised by my seven and a half relationship that I have been through. Seriously I'm sort of terrified of relationships. I know for sure that I'm not that ready to hold a new relationship. But it's going too fast and too soon. I'm freaking out, really I am.

I don't know, I guess, my ambivalence is taking over me. I'm confused, but I'm at the point of beyond confused, that I push it at the back of my mind, taped the nagging feeling silent and just go through my daily life as usual. But that burden of 'unfinished business' is still there. But anyhow... like the title of this blog post, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. I just need a little time and space right now... A breather, so to speak...

The processing state of my, well, estate, is still going smooth, although realising it has gone a little bit quieter, I guess the bank and the lawyers are in transit discussions about the way forward. But anyhow, I'm keeping tab on everything, ensuring that the payment can be done as soon as possible. I'm tracking really really hard on this matter. I sometimes feel like I am holding my breath all these while... as I wait for my body to rise up from the murky waters... It's scary, but like everything else, we put our worries and fear behind and do the best we can.

Rambling unnecessarily, I have been, it seems... Got nothing much else to say actually, just keeping my readers happy by posting some thoughts of mine...

Until then...

Nothing much

2009-11-12T18:35:00.001+08:00

The reason why I have been shying away from blogging is just because there isn't much to say.

But a lot of things had happened, but more towards making my dream house a step closer. And it's getting there. This week, I got my approval letter, and fulfilling all of the requirements before approval. Upon approval, the bank will nominate a lawyer. All of that will be done sometime this week. Everything is going smooth.

But this smooth running operation came at a very high cost. In just two days, I've spent about $4,000. Crazy, I know. Just to letting you guys know out there, to build a home have their preliminary cost, and this sum should come up in terms of your own budget. Ideally, you should have in hand about $10,000 just to get you loan and construction to set up. So I'm deliriously broke at the moment.

Even as I am typing this post, my mind is still running, I don't even know how to find funds to pay my lawyers, when everything is settled. I think, it is time for me to keep my expenses at an all time low starting this November. A lot of changes to my lifestyle must be made. But anyhow, I guess, this is one of those things that we all have to go through at some point in our life. A rights of passage so to speak.

What else is new? Oh my life, I'm living my pseudo single life. I have not broken up with my other half yet, but to me, it's over. I won't succumb (not because of arrogance) to my other half's low to justify any ending of this relationship. I guess, for my other half, the relationship have ended before it even had begun. I've read and re-read the text messages. One message which I had written before in my previous post which is exactly : "For me, to love, I need to adapt. Because I need to feel secure. I don't feel secure." Every time I read that text message, it bites me way deep down there. All that have been running in my mind was, why? If you don't feel secure in the first place, why did you agree to have a relationship with me? I've never ever in my life have force anybody to be with me or be in a relationship with me. I want a relationship that comes from the pureness of the heart, not out of pity or anything else.

It's weird. It's weird that I didn't give a second chance to CA. And I got someone really different and yet tried to adapt and given so much to be together. I'm not sure how I am running my life at the moment. But the least, working on my dream house keeps me busy and in perspective at all time. But indeed, I'm moving on to better things, things that is worth of my time.

So since there's nothing much to say, I guess this post have to be a short one...

Until then...

Updates

2009-11-08T16:30:00.001+08:00

One thing I know and learnt about blogging is to not blog when emotions are high. From experience, it will only make me look like a fool. Thus why I have been shying away from updating this blog.

I have been angry, consequently sad and disappointed by the way my other half is reacting to my emotions. I tried my best to keep my composure but the longer I waited the harder it hit on me. I'm starting to get tired of this relationship, or dare I say, this game that my other half is playing on me. It started earlier this week, when we promise to meet, but cancelled at the very last minute, which pissed me off. I sent a text message, but it was clear that I was upset by it. I understand that my other half had more important things to do. And I'm fine by the cancellation, but, my other half didn't do anything to make me feel better. All I wanted was just a little understanding. So I've decided to play along with my other half's game. Which is doing nothing. A day had passed. Nothing. A couple of days had passed, still I've heard nothing. Three days had passed. Nothing. So last night, I quit playing games, and text that I wanted to meet on Monday to discuss the way forward. To me right now, although I might take this back depending on the discussion that we will be having, I'm done with the games. I want to call it quits. I'm tired.

I've had my fair share of games. I'm over playing games. I'm tired of playing mind games which my other half is (I have to admit) good at playing it. I texted last night to no answer. I texted in the morning, saying along the line of, "Are you done playing a fool out of me?" Only then I got a text back simply saying "wait, I'm at the hospital". Fair enough.

The future between us looks bleak unless my other half is willing to change. My other half, unfortunately is stubborn and arrogant but so am I. But I've given so much to prove my love and yet I feel there's nothing coming from my other half, only arrogance. My other half expect me to change which believe me, I've really really tried but it's eating me up. I'm tired of trying to please someone when that someone wouldn't change to work on the relationship as I am. Maybe my other half is not as committed as I am to this relationship. Believe me, I've tried, and I've tried my best. I have never tried to compromise with anyone as much for this relationship. I'm not whining about it, because I really do wanted this relationship to work. But as the saying goes... "it's a two way street".

The paragraphs above was written on the yesterday. And now it is the 8th of October.

I have discussed with a friend recently with what I am going through. I've read the text messages that my other half had sent me yesterday afternoon. Some of the messages was that, along the line of "I just want you to accept me the way I am", "70% of your lifestyle I just couldn't accept" and "To love is to feel secure, but I don't feel secure with you".

So does that paint a picture? I'll leave it up to you to think about it. I left one last question to my other half, "Do you still want to be with me?" The answer was "Let me think about it, I'm busy at the moment". I'm putting my heart on my sleeve to you, my dear readers, do you think I have a relationship? Okay, almost 24 hours have passed. Still there is no reply. To me, I consider myself, single (again). I'm a guy who doesn't like to force people into a relationship, I like to make things happen by itself. It feels more honest and natural that way, if two people seem to be keen on each other, so why not have a great relationship? Right?

So with this relationship, it feels like, I'm on my own. It reminds me of my previous post, how could I have over looked this... My other half was 'playing a game of poker' with me. My other half had reservation about starting this relationship, which now looks clear. But why did my other half decided to embark on a relationship with me in the first place? I would have been fine if the relationship didn't work, I would not be flaring up. Because after being in love for so many times, I know one cannot force another to be in love. To make them fall in love with you, maybe... But yet it is still gamble, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen.

The weird thing is, I'm not upset. I guess, I feel I'm beyond upset. In fact, I'm happy. I feel much better. I'm not going to even hear what my other half had to say. To me right now, it's over. If someone had reservation about having a relationship with you and in the amidst of a relationship problem. Thank you very much. I don't need say the obvious. I'm glad that I am back on track with my life. I only embark on this relationship because my other half was my crush. And I was willing to work a relationship with my long time crush. But now, the saying "too good to be true" rings true.

In my opinion, and this is my honest opinion of my other half. My other half is weird (to which my other half had admitted), naive and childish. For a someone who has walked the earth for 29 years, it's surprising that such people still exist. No, I'm not saying this to get back. No. Even at one point we have discussed this together and my other half agreed. My other half is a passive person.... afraid of living. Where as I, I enjoy my life, I live life to the fullest. I embrace life. Not my other half. My other half had limited social skills, and fears life. To the point of paranoia. It's true, and my other half agreed about this.

There are still some people out there (not referring to my other half) that lives a paranoid life. They think too much on what other people think of them. They have this thing called "reputation" or "presentation". I've lived long enough to not care what people say about you. No, it's not that I don't care at all, yes, I do care to a certain point. But would I let what people say to run my life... No. Hell no. Some people think that the universe revolves around them hence why the paranoia. No, nobody cares if you fell into a drain. No, nobody cares if someone saw your panties. No, nobody cares if you had said something stupid. No.

We're all human, we're all stupid and make mistakes (not all the time). That's what that makes us human. We're flawed in our own way. But we change. Not necessarily for the better. No. Change because you want to. Changing for the better is always a good thing and no doubt about it, but to change is to experience, to change is to live.

Anyway, enough about that. Oh my estate, got my mortgage loan approved! Yeah, good news! But the bank couldn't give me the amount, so I'm 6k short. I've arranged for payment with the land lady that I will pay the rest, in February. So things are looking up. And also, I've engaged my architect again, and he gave me the first draft of my house layout and it's looking great. I've feedback the things that I wanted, and so far, it looks good. So anyway, I've ranted way too much in this post. So leave me a comment or two. Just to know if someone is listening to my rant :)

Until then....

Continuation .. (Here We Go... Again)

2009-11-04T01:41:00.000+08:00

Somethings are too good to be true.

Being able to start a relationship with a long lost crush is a great thing to be in. But as all relationships are, they need work. After two weeks, reality starts to set in, and we find ourself having petty arguments.

Reality sucks. My head over heels soon became a head on collision because of personality differences. The underlying issue is, would you still stand by the person you love if everything you stood for and believes are not accepted by them? The personality clash that we have are at the far end extremes. And sometimes it feels like I am the only one working on the relationship. Is love alone enough? Does love conquer all? Does it?

However, I'm not quitting just yet. Yes, at certain level, love does conquer certain areas of the relationship. But on other parts, we just have to work on it. And I'm pretty sure, the work I'm about to embark on, is no easy feat. Both of us are stubborn, and both of us had ego as big as the universe. Neither are budging, Throughout our short introduction, I have gone low enough to find the middle ground, but it seems that the work only comes from me. Recently, in aa recent argument, I shouted how self-centered and self-righteous my other half was. It was a very bad argument. But in the end, we both settled down by talking things out. It looks like there is hope, but I won't be keeping my bets at this point in time. I've been through this before and I don't intend to repeat the same mistakes again. So it could be a make or break time.

Other than that, the estate that I was about to purchase have seen some light of day. Last week, I talked to the landlady and explained my situation with the bank recently. Fortunately, she understood and was willing to wait for the money. And I am expecting for the approval letter today, which slipped my mind, by the way. I was consumed with work today, that I forgot to follow up with the bank. I will be doing that tomorrow, that's for sure.

The previous paragraphs were written yesterday Monday (02-10-2009). And I'm writing this today, Tuesday, oh no, it has passed midnight, so technically, today is Wednesday.

A few things had happened and I've been trying too keep it out from this blog. But honestly, I'm not happy. I'm not happy in my new relationship. It's very hard. I just don't know where to begin. Yesterday, we were supposed to meet on Monday night, but my other half cancelled on the last minute and it got me really upset. And no apology was given, I do understand that my other half was busy, but isn't it out of courtesy even as friends to apologise for canceling on the last minute? I don't know, sometimes, I think that my other half, has such a big ego and very arrogant that it was just taken for granted. Or perhaps, I'm just over-reacting. Both of us did not text message each other all day long, (I was relatively busy today anyway). So at close of business at work today, I sent a message, just containing "Hru?' (short for "How are you?") All I got for a reply was "Fine." And that was it!

I texted back, basically saying two can play this game. My other half texted back saying "I am not playing games, stop saying that, please". The thing that pisses the hell out of me, is I hate to be taken for granted. I keep saying to myself, I deserve more. There are some people out there, who are my friends who treat me better than my other half. I feel like quitting this relationship. Why? Because I'm not happy. I am very sad and upset with my other half.

I feel like this relationship is pulling me backwards. I don't feel like I've achieve something out of this relationship other than heartache. I don't know, maybe my other half have really bad social etiquette or naive in relationships. But I feel like this is a game more than it is a relationship. Mind games. Such an awful game. I've done my fair share of mind games. And I don't intend to play them anymore. I don't know. I really don't know what to think anymore with this relationship. Stay and persevere or run like hell? The give you a picture of how awful this relationship is, in just over two weeks, we had almost broken up twice (in one night). I feel very depressed about it. I'm ignoring my other half's text messages, because right now, I'm thinking (really) about calling it quits. I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated fairly. That's all.

So anyway, updates on my estate, I called up the bank today. The bank officer that 'handled' my mortgage loan, nicknamed 'Jaz', told me that, there's some delay on the approval side, because there's only one credit approval officer working this week due to the holiday season coming soon, by the end of this year. I asked her to follow up on that, and to give me a call tomorrow (that's today!), as soon as she hears anything from them. Somehow I feel nervous about it. I really wanted to get this thing over and done with. Just tonight I had my third meeting with my architect, and saw my first draft of my house layout. I've written some comments on the piece of paper, no, the comments are more on enhancement and wish list that I would love to have.

Okay, I guess this post will have to get another 'continuation' because my eyes, is really really tired, it's almost at the point of getting my eyes crossed... I really need to get some rest... I have not been feeling so good lately.... I spy a flu coming in soon... I'm stocking myself up with medicine... so anyway... to be continued... no time to proof read this post...

Happy Belated Birthday Kellaz And Here It Goes again...

2009-10-26T04:25:00.001+08:00

I've been a very bad boy. It slipped my mind but due to the chaos I have been going through recently, I've lost track of time.

On the 22nd of October was kellaz.blogspot.com 2nd birthday. On this date, kellaz.blogspot.com was born. Which also means, I have been on therapy for two years. If you had been an avid reader from the beginning, you have seen me bloom (although that's not always the case) from the past two years. Two years have gone so fast and I just couldn't keep track of the things I have posted. Two years and 472 posts (inclusive of this post) have been written. One could have written a screenplay of a drama series out of this blog. So happy birthday kellaz.blogspot.com. I'm sorry that I missed your birthday, but I know you would understand. May 'you' bloom into greater things. To KELLAZ!

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I have been busy for two main reason. In short, one reason, I have been busy kindling a new relationship and secondly, I have been busy finding funds to purchase a piece of land.

The latter reason has caused me a lot of stress, pain and heartache. And screaming on the phone too. For the past couple of days, I have been arguing with the bank officer in charged of my mortgage loan. They have been toying with me, telling me, no, I can't afford, yes, I could and at the very last minute, another no but maybe a yes with pre-conditions that they have failed to highlight in the beginning, thus causing delays. The truth be told, I have applied my loan a week before the deadline. I know it isn't enough to process the loan, but they have been the one who have misinformed me that I couldn't afford the loan in the first place. This had cause me panic and I have been spending my time 'shopping' for mortgage loans at other banks. I went to the bank three weeks before the deadline and they toyed with my decision with a yes and no for two week.

So I am going to write about my struggle of getting a mortgage loan. Perhaps this can be a learning experience for those who will be going through about purchasing a land. Over a month ago, a distant relative (which my family is close with and also a estate broker) told me that there was a very good offer of an estate where I wanted. It took me a week or two to decide but eventually considering that my youngest sister had bought my mother's land not far from where the estate I am considering to buy, I finally said "yes". After my last trip offshore (three weeks to deadline), the first thing I did was that I went to my bank (of which where I access my monthly income) to help me get a mortgage loan to purchase this land. They informed me that I couldn't afford it, as the outstanding amount of my personal loan is still a lot. And if it did, I couldn't agree to pay almost 90% of my salary to pay off both of my personal loan and mortgage loan. In panic, I went 'shopping' to other banks to see if they could help me. One bank could help, but couldn't understand why my bank couldn't help me as I had sufficient funds to cover my personal and mortgage loan. They told me to go back to my bank get a re-confirmation.

I went back to my bank, and asked a 're-confirmation' if their calculations were correct. I had 8 days left for the deadline at this point, the deadline is on the 29th October. The loan officer had made a miscalculation and found that I could actually afford the loan! I demand them to process the loan as soon as possible. A week into the deadline, I went to the bank to sign off all documents and ask them to process my loan immediately. Feeling good, I went back to the office as usual. An hour later, the bank called. Now, they were telling me I couldn't afford it!!! They told me I had to settle at least $2,500 of my personal loan to get my mortgage loan approved. Causing panic for the second time by them, I asked all immediate relatives if they could borrow me that amount, unfortunately to no avail. On that same day, I had to resort to my friends for help. And thanks to my best friend, he confirms to me that he could help. And he did. I told the bank that I have funds and I will make the deposit the day after. And things settle down.

The next day, 6 days to deadline. The bank officer called again. Asking from me, the SPA (Sale and Purchase Agreement) between the landlord and myself, and a receipt of the intended purchase, witness by a lawyer (bear in mind this was on a friday afternoon!) How on earth could I get a lawyer ask to write up a SPA in time for my deadline? I called my relative (who introduced to me this land) and she tried her best to draft a SPA document to be sign in front of a magistrate (which is still acceptable). On Saturday morning, the document was finally available. I called up the bank and ask if I could settle things in Bandar, since I wouldn't have sufficient time to drive an hour away, to the bank in Kuala Belait Branch.

The bank officer told me not to worry as he will submit everything on Monday (3 days to deadline!) I asked for a confirmation if my fund would be released on Wednesday. And now for the first time, they told me... "That's impossible and couldn't be done!" At this point, I was screaming and panicking at him on the phone. He didn't help but instead he made me furious by saying "Sorry, but I only met you this Thursday and it is impossible to release this fund by the 28th. You are putting me in a very difficult situation, this is your fault for coming to us late at this point". At this point, I just lost it, I scream on top of my lungs, "I came to you late???!!! I came to you late???!!! You are the one who misinformed me of your calculations, making me waste my time looking for other banks when I could have already did this a couple of weeks ago! You are my bank, I deal with you every time, I deal with all my finances with you, and your bank was the first bank I came to for help!!! And you blame me for coming late???!!!"

I simply lost it, and I finally hung up when he said that he couldn't talk to me anymore. The last thing I said to him was, "You don't want to talk to me??? Fine!!!" In my honest opinion, I could have made a well informed decision if they had given me the right information in the first place rather than I had wasted my time looking for other banks for help. And they are the one who came to me at the very last minute for important documents which I had no preparations of. And they blame me for coming late.

I called my relative again and she asked me to calm down... I was really upset at this point. She said, she will try to push back the deadline as long as the bank can confirm to me the draw down of the cash money. So I called the bank again, and this time I called their supervisor who I am familiar with and have handle all of my finances the first time I stepped into that bank. She told me that given that the pre-conditions being met, she finds there is no reason left for my mortgage application to be rejected. Then I ask her, "After approval, which you said, will take about a week, how long will it take to draw down the money so that I can finally make the payment for the land I am about to purchase". Her answer made me explode. She said "one and a half months or two months...". I just couldn't say anything at this point. I was absolutely furious! I was beyond furious. I decided to talk calmly because I have ran out of harsh words at this point. I told her, "I have repeated to your loan officers that I need the money by the 28th October almost a hundred of times. And you are the first person who told me that it takes more than a month for the money. Why haven't anyone said this in the first place, I could have resort to a more informed decision rather than pushing things ahead of myself and running like a headless chicken all week long". Her reply was "my officers are new and still in training".

I feel like strangling their staff and let them choke to their death. I was speechless. And there goes my chance. That's it. I couldn't meet the deadline anymore. Thanks to the bank's incompetence! So here I am, thinking about any contingencies on how to make this deadline work. It's crazy. It's simply ridiculous.

Anyway, I've decided to skip spell and grammar check this post because it is really late and I need to get some sleep... consider this post... TO BE CONTINUED....

Post Edit: I've grammar and spell check the post. (27/10/2009)

Once I Wish Upon A Star...

2009-10-18T03:32:00.000+08:00

If you once had wished something, and it came true. Wouldn't that be the best thing ever?!!

Would it? Think about it... Would it be the best thing ever?!! There's also a saying, "be careful what you wish for, because it may come true".

I would love to write more about it, but once upon a time, I did wish something to happen. But it never did. Years have gone by... Year after a year, after a year... and just like that. BAM!!! It came true. And I'm stuck in this wonderful rut. And I don't know what to do. I really want this, I really do, I really, really do, but that means, I'd have to take everything what I have said back. (long pause....)

Damn it, after thinking about it, what the hell... Here goes... Years ago, so many years ago, I had this crush, and it wasn't just a crush, it wasn't infatuation, it wasn't lust, I fell in love from the first sight. I kept it to myself and wished that I could be with my crush one day. Years have passed and I forgot about it, I knew it was impossible... As things go... We move on. Life goes on. And when I came back offshore a few days ago... We crossed paths again after all these years, we re-connected and talked, basically we caught up with things... And my feelings came up again... In short, I am head over heels. I secretly wanted things to go awkward, wanted things to be different, perhaps I want things to pass as my wish had become... But no. It was perfect. Damn!!! I'm seriously out of words. Perfect doesn't even come close to it. Surreal. It was surreal. What's worst... My wish came true, exactly as it was. It came true.

But what happened to my determination of a single life? Hang on, let's pull back and put our thinking caps on. In all honesty, I don't even know where to start. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm so happy, no, surprised, no, excited, no, I don't know, there's an explosion in this heart with happiness, that I just couldn't put to words. Maybe, I'm blinded by my own adrenaline rush. But today have got to be one of the happiest day of my life. Why wouldn't it be? My wish came true. Even though I am on cloud nine at the moment, I am being realistic about it. I am being rational about it. The thing is, realistically, rationally, it's going no where but great, no wonderful, no, just simply perfect. Argh! Irony, I hate you!!!

I will keep reminding to not get ahead of myself. I am just afraid that my own happiness will one day lead me to my own grave. So I'm calming myself down.

These paragraphs above were written on Thursday in the early hours.

And I'm writing this in the present. Okay, it's absolutely good that I have reconnected to my old crush and things are still going well. However, coming to the weekend, things have changed a bit. Let's me put it in this way. I am playing a poker game on a couple of table. One table, I'm putting my cards down. But it seems that the other person on that table seemed reluctant to play, but at the same time giving me signals, perhaps the game is still on, might play... or maybe not... I'm confused. On the other table, I am not putting my cards down, because I'm not sure if the other person would like to play at all. But giving me vague signals or interest of wanting to play. That is my situation right now.

If I have my way, I would stick to one table who is willing to play cards with me. No signals. So at least I am playing on one table, putting my effort, energy and time on one game. Love, however is not a game. (... pause ...) Did you realise what I had just wrote? I wrote 'love'. Yeah, I'm in love alright, but not just yet. My crush have shown mixed signals with me. And actually I have another crush but that crush seemed impossible to go ahead due to personal reason (my cowardice) . But I'm trying as much to concentrate on my wish-come-true crush. Why? Because this was my wish. And it seems that my wish have not come true just yet as I have written in my previous paragraphs above. It was all emotion talking.

I'm sort of glad that my crush have shown me mixed signals. Because it puts me in perspective. It throws me off back to my own place that perhaps, I'm not ready to leave my single life just yet. But in all seriousness, I am very ready to be with my long time crush. And perhaps I would do anything to make it happen. But right now, I'm stepping back, to take my time and think about it. My life have always been complicated, and this is me trying to simplify things again.

If I had not crossed path with my crush and it didn't go as well as it had, I would still be adamant to be single. But we did and it went well, so this throws my whole plans off. It is still going well, but recently I find some reluctance, or maybe, I think I am sensing some reluctance. I kept thinking to myself, maybe I'm not patient, or maybe I'm too forward. Maybe I'm right. So I'm stepping back a bit. I don't want to fall into the same trap again. Let's take our time. And let time unfold the mystery on its own. The truth is, I take crushes seriously. I can be all confident, charming and suave when I'm trying to woo someone, but not with crushes. I become this awkward guy, I become quiet, all I can do is just smile a stupid grin. When I talk, I stutter, and I try to avoid eye contact. My face, hand and body movement becomes awkward and clumsy. My fingers starts fiddling and fidgeting. It's hilarious, but not to me... I don't know why that happens to me, but it's true, all my confidence, flushed down the toilet... It's silly, huh?

On a personal level, I've been spending my weekend (Saturday night) with my brothers and sisters and their husbands and wives. It's nice to hang out again, it has been more than a month since we last had this hangout. We put off having our hangouts since Ramadan, and it's nice, but it feels different this time round, we're a little quiet. But nevertheless I had fun.

Things are going well on my front. It feels nice. However, my story with CA, have not been properly closed. I haven't met CA yet to give my final decision. I wanted to, but I have been busy concentrating my efforts on my 'old' crush. But I think you would have guess what my decision is. I don't plan to publish this post before meeting CA. But I guess, I've put this post off for too long. I guess I will meet CA in due time, and after this post, I don't think it'll be a good meet... I have no one to blame but myself. I know that much.

Until then...

My Death Anniversary

2009-10-16T21:46:00.002+08:00

Actually, I've written something before this blog, but I am not ready to publish it yet. It is of sensitive nature to certain readers i.e. CA. So I will digress about something else.

Death Anniversary. Today marks the my death anniversary, the day I've decided to take my own life after our final fight with YKW. The time when my sharp scissors couldn't cut the thinnest part of my wrist. No, I'm not proud of it. I'm not seeking sympathy. But as a learning point for me and also other readers who thinks there is no life after true love.

It still hurts me to think about that particular night. Things we said to each other were both hurtful and painful. I still remember crying in the rain, like a pathetic 'Sembilu' movie. Indeed, there is life after love. It may not be the same life, but a life nevertheless and I am the living proof of that. Perhaps it takes time for us all to move on. No one wants to be stuck in the same ugly place. But change, in the end is inevitable. A year has passed. It's not a year that I would like to remember. But I guess, living is a learning process. Moving on is also a learning process.

So tonight I would like to use this time to remember that argument that we had, and remember those wonderful two years we spent together as something to look back and learn from it. But in all honesty, if I look back at what I did, the break up didn't justify me ending my life. I was so stupid. But I guess, when hope seems bleak, and rational mind went overboard. That's what have happened.

But most important of all, I wish to remember all the good times we had. It was great. I had a hell of a time. It was great. And like the saying "all good things must come to an end". So I raise my bottle of now-warm lemon tea, and this is my toast to myself... "To you, Kellaz@Saiful, godspeed on your journey and all the best!!!"

Now I know that my life will always be full of hopes, disappointments and surprises. I know that my life is precious. It's obvious, I know. But let me hear you say that, when all hope is gone and you feel let down. But nevertheless... 'the show must go on!'

This is going to be a short post, because at some point, there's no use of peeling up old scabs. I'm still in the process of healing. But let's celebrate, raise your drink (whatever it is you're drinking) and toast with me.... "TO LIFE AND LIVING IN IT!!"

Until then...

Difficult Weekend

2009-10-11T00:36:00.003+08:00

I know I shouldn't be complaining much. Because I'm going home this Monday. But this weekend has been a difficult one. I woke up pretty early today, but I decided to stay in my bunk bed for a little while, showered and went to office, feeling bored, I went back to my room and decided to have a small weekend for myself.

At about 1130 hrs, my construction supervisor, Zaki, went into the room. I asked if he'd done his job, but he said, "it's close to lunch time and the guys are doing their housekeeping before going to have their lunch". In short, they're done for the morning. Not long after that, an alarm went off, it was not a drill, it was a general alarm as it was announced on the PA system. I got off my bed and thought "oh no, something gone wrong on our worksite". Why did I think about that? That's because we were the only team working on this platform complex.

I went down the stairs and there were some people looking down at the cellar level through the gratings. But we proceed to muster as required. One operator said to one of our guys, "Are you trying to burn this platform down? Can't you at least wait until we were gone?" My first thought was, "Shit, something burned! And damn, some heads will roll, I'm in deep trouble!"

When it was time to stand down, I went to where the fire took place. Not long after that, interviews were conducted and the conclusion was.... inconclusive. No one knows how the fire got ignited. It was a mystery. The site where the fire started was far away from the worksite. Everyone is still puzzled how this fire happened. No, before your imagination went far, it was a very small fire, only a few scaffolding boards got charred, and it was very small, which could have been big, thanks to another team who saw smoke coming from the boards.

There are a few theories going on at the moment, electric arching from the welding machine was suspected. A connector nearby to where the fire was immediately made as a suspect. However, there were no signs of electric arching marks on the connector. Everyone is still puzzled until now. More investigations will be made. So what makes this a difficult weekend? This happened under my watch. So I have a lot of things running in my mind. My construction supervisor also feels the same. It happened under his watch as well. The company doesn't have a blame culture here, but politically yes it exist.

I'm so unhappy right now. On my personal life, I've been facebooking all evening, and it seems that most of my friends are enjoying their weekend, having a great time at open houses, and here I am on this steel stilted island, bored of my mind and full of worries. I know I shouldn't worry much as this incident happens out of the ordinary. It's just so weird how the fire happened. And somehow, I feel so lonely at the same time. I think I'm adjusting to my current single life. I just hope I can stand to be on my own.

I wanted to talk about something a friend and I had discussed recently. Friendship. My friend was bitching about his friend who acted, well, how shall I describe this, it was assumed that his friend is back stabbing him. I wish I could elaborate further, but I am afraid I might say something that could make out that I am talking about them. I suspect both friends read my blog as well.

As I have said in my previous blog, I hate to use the word best friend. But what defines as best friends? And this is my definition. A best friend stays with you through your best and worst time of your life, your best friend should be able to cry when you cry, laugh when you laugh and is always there when you need a shoulder to cry on. A best friend should be able to tell the truth straight to your face and make fun of all of your mistakes. A best friend should understand when you are not their priority anymore. A best friend should respect whatever decision you make even though they know you're making a huge mistake and offer their shoulder when you break down. A best friend should know when to ignore you. A best friend should be happy for you even though deep down he or she is not. A best friend should be able to lie to you when the time requires them to do so. A best friend puts his friends above his or her feelings. A best friend doesn't need to apologise for any wrong doings. A best friend should not judge you for what you have done or what you have said. So that is more or less at this point in time that I know, what defines a best friend. That is what a best friend is. The question I should be asking is, are you a best friend for your best friend?

My relationship with my best friend, Billy can be described as a weird one. We don't meet every day, or every week, we meet when the time comes to meet. And when we meet, we don't plan, we simply drop everything that we are doing and go straight to them. We text or talk on the phone every once in a while. Billy and I have our differences, but yet we don't judge or have an opinion, because we respect each other. As for me, I just want my best friend to be happy, even it means I have to take sacrifices. Because with all my heart, I want, no, I need to see my best friend happy. We don't apologise to each other, except when mistakes are immediately realised. We had our fights before, and when we miss each other's company we simply text or call each other up. I guess, in a way, by keeping in touch, that was an apology by itself. What I have with my best friend is in some way can be called weird. He respects what I do or had done, and between the two of us, there are no secrets and they are no information too much to handle. All we care is that each of us wants to see each other happy.

The weird thing was that we knew each other when we were in college studying for our 'A' levels. And we were strangers to each other at that time. Billy was a senior, and when I was at the end of my university year, we got in touch with each other and then, just like that, we simply clicked and got to know each other better. We know each other for more than a decade now and I'd like to think our friendship flourish every single day, even when we were out of touch. I love my best friend Billy because he doesn't judge me and I can be myself completely without any hesitation and say what ever I like to anyone and anything without causing any awkwardness. And I'd do the same for him. To me, he's perfect in his own way. He's always my cause of envy, and I wish I am more like him.

So that's what best friends are. The thing that happened between this particular friend and his best friend is somewhat disrespectful. If I am to be in his shoes, I would have avoided the best friend completely. In my books of definition, he'd definitely lose the title as best friend. Somehow at this age, having differences and problems with a best friend is the most trivial thing you could ever get involved with. But I wish both friends the least remained as good friends. I know this much, they need each other. But trying to put your feelings ahead of anyone is very difficult to do. At the end of the day, respect and honesty is a must between the two of them, and any differences should not get penalised or judged. Once honesty is given, one must accept it whole heartedly, and your feelings should not be scarred.

On a personal note, I owe my life to my best friend. If he didn't exist, I wouldn't have been here typing away on this keyboard. I would have been long gone six deep under. He was there on the darkest point of my life. Even though he wasn't there physically. So enough about best friends, it's making me all teary.

On a positive note, I can't wait to go home. Somehow I miss my family, and secretly I miss screaming to my nieces and nephews. I wanted so much to have an open house at my parents, invite my friends and relatives. Maybe I will do that on the last weekend of Eid. I hope my boss won't take that away from me. Actually there is a good outcome of me for being offshore for this period (this is me trying to see the bright side of things). One of it, is that being here offshore, I don't spend a dime at all, and we all know that at this celebratory season, money seems a little tight than the usual, as extra expenditure is required for open houses and fixing up homes. And I'd like to think at this time, I'm still well off. Secondly, I don't go open houses, thus not stuffing my face, believe it or not, I've lost almost two kilograms since I came here. I am on a controlled diet, I believe I could have lost more than that. It was just that recently, I forgot to mention that we had a water crisis recently, and was afraid that there was no water left to shower with when I finish working out at the gym. I haven't been working out at all. Consider myself very unfit at this time. But we are over the water crisis now, but still the connection that I have with the gym is listening to the thumping sound coming out of the gym every night when I cross from the office .

I'm sick and tired of being fat. I want to get back into shape in time for new year. I know I have been saying that I wanted to get fit again for quite a while. I'm just procrastinating. But I know I can do it. I've done it before (losing 30 kilograms) and I know I can do it again. Besides, if I am looking for a wife, certainly I'd have to look good, before I can grow a gut again. Hopefully that won't happen again. Rambling, rambling rambling, that's what I have been doing. So it's time to get some rest... Until then....

Nothing Much Going On

2009-10-08T12:13:00.002+08:00

If I had nothing to say or things to write, I wouldn't write my blog. But being offshore for the seventh day, I'm bored out of my mind. So anyway, I am writing because I've always treated my blog as some sort of therapy or a place to pour my heart out, in hopes that some soul have some pity for me and give me an advice or two on how to run my ever crumbling life. Of which advice may or may not be accepted, although I would always take and use for consideration. That's more or less what this blog is all about.

I've got plenty of friends although I think that my friends list starts to recede dramatically ever since I've moved to Bandar (city). It recedes even more after my break up with YKW, because most of my friends in Bandar are YKW's friends as well. It wasn't that I want to 'de-friended' them, but I think it would be inappropriate as they are more of YKW's friends than they are to me. I guess, there's an unspoken rule when it comes to 'loan' friends. 'Loan' friends is what I use to define as a friend of a friend. Knowing a new friend via another friend. But the least I still have my good friendship with my best friend, Billy. I hate to use the word best friend, because it sound, so primary school. I don't know why, but using the term best friend sounds so kiddy. But then again, how would you describe a friend that you are in best terms with eh?

I used to work, live and play in Kuala Belait (more than an hour away from the capital/city) and most of my friends reside there. I moved because of love, and if there are any other reasons, I was supposed to be building my house this year. In fact probably living in it already. But that didn't happen. As the saying goes "the best laid plan of man and mice, often go astray". If I am not mistaken, I did write about it in a post a few months ago. But slowly, I've managed to rebuild that plan again. I'm back to square one, well, actually back to ground zero, starting everything from scratch. The banking application tango and what-not, then the rhumba with the architect and all. After that the cha-cha with the contractors. It's a whole ball room dance, believe me, it will.

But what matters is the end product. Is that one day, hopefully soon, I will be living in my own house and I could do whatever I like in my own abode of peace. It has been hard this year, and bless my brother for making things easier for me, yet I do complain sometimes, but hey who doesn't? If you had read through my shoutbox mix on the right column of this blog, Maria (an avid reader) asked if my 'room' is still messy, with respect to my last post i.e. my life. Well, I'm rebuilding it just as like of this housing plan of mine. I'm planning to revamp my life, re-do everything, inside out. Renovate, innovate my life.

My life is still messy. Although it is an organised piles of mess, it's just trying to put thing back into order. Some dirty laundry to wash. Some books to put back on the shelves. Some priorities to be made. Just as my other best friend hailing away from Sakhalin, Russia. Life can be solved mathematically, theoretically that is. I just can't wait to get out of this steel stilt island and set my priorities right. I have many plans running in my head, list of things to do or buy and ensuring all errands are ran right. I also will be settling things with CA. Oh on that matter, I've more or less made up my mind. I will write that in due time, considering that CA also read this blog.

I've also made a huge decision in my life recently. I am looking for a wife. It is time to think about the long run. The long haul. Which direction I am going to. I know this sounds shocking (for those who know me well, lol). But in all seriousness, I think the life that I have led all this while, I've been looking for short term solutions in hopes they will succeed in making long runs. Which in some way have shown me that the plan for that have failed. I guess, I should focus on the long run, and work on the short term. Not get focused on the other way round. Which one is head or tail doesn't matter at this point in time. Like my house, what matters is the end product. Looking for a wife, sounds easy... But easier said than done, like most things are. I am trying to lead a new life, like I've said, revamping, renovating my life. I guess, after 31 years have pass, I think it's time to put everything to a close, take a bow and move on to better and stable things in life.

Looking for a wife means, I would have to delve into another relationship. But the difference this time, is focusing on the end result. My brother once told me, that getting married can be like a gambling game. It may or may not work, but he adviced me to just work on it while things can be worked out. It may still not work in the end, then things just have to end. Trust and Faith. That's all we need to have. We trust and if we have no faith, everything will just break down consequently, heartache. Have faith but no trust, also fall to the same result. I've never thought of getting married to be honest, I've tried to avoid that path altogether. But I guess, at some point in life, I ran out of detours and is bound for a head on collision with the matter. I guess, it's what most people call it, 'The Calling".

It is weird that I am open to talk about this, because I've always dreaded marriage, my parents', my brothers' and sisters' marriages have not been a good role model for me. Fighting bickering, swearing to each other is common to us. And sometimes, just looking at them make me cringe in fear. I guess, I shouldn't compare myself with them, in fact perhaps, learn from them. But I know for sure, all marriages have their bumps in the road once in a while. Ever since I was in my early twenties, I've always thought of myself as care free or free living guy. The kind of guy who falls in love all the time, but never ending up married. Or better still, describe as the non-marrying type guy. A guy who doesn't believe that marriage is the answer to everything. Perhaps it is, or perhaps it isn't. But I guess, if one have no experience of it, one does not entitle them of an opinion.

Talk about ranting.... I've been writing non-stop over the past hour. So anyway, before I shoot myself in the foot, I better stop now. Otherwise, I'll be rambling unnecessarily.

So, until then...

What do I want?

2009-10-04T00:53:00.004+08:00

What do you want? But then again, the better version of the question is, what do you need?

I have been thinking and weighing things that I want and things that I need. I found myself prone to listing down the things I want into the things I need. And I start to question myself, do I really need it? Greedy. That's what I am, and I guess, when you think about it, that's part of human nature. Greed.

I need to reorganise myself, correction, reorganise my life. My life is like my room, I'd like to think, organised in a day, and slowly it messes up and then it comes to a tipping point where I have to organise them back in order again. And right now, I'm at that tipping point. Enough. Enough is enough. Stories about my relationships sounds like a scratched compact disc or a song played in repeat. It is starting to bore me. Seriously. I'm bored out of my mind when it comes to relationship. And it is obvious what I should do. But as all things are, easier said than done. What's even worse, my ambivalence. I'm so pissed off with myself that I can't keep doing the things that I have said. I said to myself, no more relationships, and then I got into one. Ridiculous eh? How pathetic could I be?

The thing is, I have this ugly tendency to say yes to anything and everything, well, actually to anything and everything that I don't know. To the things I know, I'd use my logical sense, but sometimes the vagueness of the emotional heart is very difficult to pin point. Would you like a relationship with me? No... Simple as that. But I just couldn't do it. One thing about me, is that I am a nice guy. And I'm not saying it is a good thing. I have this phobia of rejecting. I hate rejection as well as rejecting. And on top of that, I have this fear of regretting. I hate to regret. I would hate to say no to the things that potentially could make me happy for the rest of my life. But after a while, heart break and heartache follow suit. Thus not making me a nice guy in the end. Then again, nice guys always finish last as some saying puts it.

I have no clue where this post is taking me. I have millions of thoughts and things to write, but it's a huge solid block of thoughts and I'm having great difficulties to put it on this post. There are something that I wanted to write, because I don't want to hurt certain parties with my blog. Thus making me feel difficult to write it on here. It is like a therapist trying to filter things that I said, and making them taboo. But what the hell. Here goes...

A week ago, I got to know somebody new, I guess my loneliness had led me to find someone new, and the date went well. I am somehow attracted to this particular date. And I found myself, thinking about this date, I am very attracted to my new date. Why, and don't ask me why, I asked if I could start a relationship. (I know I'm really really really stupid). There was a pause, and got a "sure" but it was said like a sigh. And now, it looks like it is not going anywhere. A few days have passed and I've heard nothing. Nothing. So I guess, that was a rejection. But at the same time, I felt some what relieve that the relationship went to a complete halt. But anyway, here's the thing... Relationship. Where should I put it? The things I want? Or the things I need?

I know it was sneaky of me trying to start a relationship when CA wanted to be given a second chance. But if there is any defense for myself, I started the quick pseudo relationship before being asked for a second chance and when I thought it was all over. So what do I have left for me. CA's second chance. And up till now, I'm dreading to make the decision. Single life. Do I want it? Do I need it? I do appreciate if you could give me some thoughts about it, but then again at the end of the day, I have to make this decision all by myself and I can't count on others to make that decision for me.

So here's where I am, imagine this, a huge pile of mess. And me, right in the middle of it. And I have to clean it up. For this one, I'd have to put under the things I need to do and I am damn sure it is. And this thoughts of cleaning it up, is causing me a lot of stress and pressure, and it's causing me repetitive migraines. Seriously, I have not been feeling well for the past week or so, because in a way, my life is eating me alive.

Anyway, it is late, and I have to get some sleep. Writing this particular post has relieved me some a bit as I have let out something out of my chest but believe me it is one of the hardest. I feel like some sleazy lover who cheats and I hate myself, but technically I have not. I don't know why I felt that way...

So I shall leave you with that... Until then...

Take A Chance

2009-10-02T21:41:00.005+08:00

Apologies for being AWOL from blogging for a short while. I purposely didn't want to blog because since I got back from offshore last week (returning Monday), I had an argument with my recent ex, CA.

I didn't want to blog when tensions and emotions were running high. I was pretty angry by the argument, it wasn't a verbal argument and the medium for the argument was via text messages. CA accused me of many untrue versions of my previous post. CA accused me of still having loving feelings for YKW. And accused me of never loving CA all this time.

I actually asked a few friends about my previous post, if I had been insensitive to my ex's feelings. I also asked them if my ex was the main subject of the post. I asked them if that was an attack on my ex. I asked them if it is anything about my ex. All of them answered no. Most readers have read that and saw the whole 'moral of the story' which is all about my friend who was devastated about her ex who had moved on even after seven years had passed by. They understood that it was about cheering up my friend. Not an attack or was I being insensitive. And that was the thought I had when I was writing that post. I remembered the good times and reminiscing down memory lane with YKW.

One might ask. Why YKW? Why not ex number one or two or the rest? The reason is, I spent two brilliant years with YKW. Try and forget two years of your life. Can you? How about, two great years spent with someone you truly love? Can you? I was accused that I had never loved CA at all. In fact I got quoted from a different blog that I had abandoned a year ago via text message. Yes, I had a different blog all about YKW, and had abandoned it. Abandon. I don't know how CA got to know that irrelevant blog, but somehow it got quoted via text messages. I am starting to think that CA is a selective reader. CA reads the same sentence but had a different idea about the sentence, over analysed it and it becomes something that CA believe to be true, although that was not the case. Emotional reader. Someone who reads using their emotions and only pick certain words that sounds only relevant to their emotional thinking. If I had written "I had two wonderful years with YKW". CA would understand it as, "I still want to have those two wonderful years again". Emotional readers interpret words and sentences by analysing too much by using their emotional sense. Ironic thing is that the next day, and the day after up till last night, CA have been asking to be given a second chance. Should I?

I still love CA. Yes, I do, and there's no other way about it. But when CA agreed to my break up proposal and was happy to be single again, I thought that was the end. If you ask me, would you give CA a second chance? The answer would be, I don't know. I would love to give CA a second chance, but I have a huge sense of reluctance. CA said things would be different, CA would change this time around. CA would change... for whom? And for what? If the answer is for me and to make me happy, the answer would be no, I don't want to give CA a second chance, in fact I don't want anybody to change on my behalf just to make me happy, because based on experience, that is only delaying the inevitable, delaying the break up. In the end both people get hurt much worse. I know that much from past experience.

Yes, two people who love each other should only change for themselves, if not, for the relationship which they both bound accountable for. That's the 'workings' of a relationship. To work on relationship is to compensate, understand and support each other. It is not a sacrifice. And it shouldn't feel like it. Because you change because you want to change, you compromise because you want to compromise, you compensate because you want to compensate, you understand because you understand. Not because you have to.

I'm loving my pseudo single life right now. I'm saying pseudo, because I have not broken up with CA properly. I broke up with CA via text message. No, not because I didn't want to face up, but CA was mostly unavailable at that time. CA was very very busy. Which I understand whole heartedly. CA thinks that I broke up because CA was busy, too busy for me. No. CA still doesn't understand why I wanted to break up. If you can recall my previous post, Tolerances and Compromises and Personality Clash, Silence and Break Up, those are the reason for breaking up. I agreed to be in a relationship with CA in the first place because CA showed signs of changing, signs of opening up to me and much more. But after when I came back from offshore, CA went back to the old ways, attitudes and behaviours. That intolerable close mindedness. Okay, that sounds so judgmental about someone. But I know the CA's mind at work, CA is not open to anything. And CA's mind prefer not to know and live in ignorance. Which is totally opposite of my way of thinking and personality.

No, I'm not saying I'm totally open minded, totally adventurous. But I am open minded and adventurous. Not for CA. CA would ignore and consciously prefer to keep things unknown and no, CA doesn't want to learn anything about it. Purely because it doesn't have anything to do with CA. Okay, I'm not bashing CA. But those are CA's characteristic, and I respect CA for that. It's CA's right. It's CA's personality. I refuse to change CA for the better if CA thinks it is not. And I'm not saying it is a bad characteristic either. Because when it comes to personality and character, its up to each and their own on how they want to run their own lives. It is never a place for anyone to judge.

Perhaps this is why Allah met me and CA up. Perhaps to open up CA's eyes. Just as what YKW did to me. Over the course of almost a year, I have been in six relationship, all flunk, but one thing I have changed about myself. Something I never did with YKW (at first). I have never cheated on all six accounts. Never. YKW changed me in that sense. YKW taught me the meaning of love, respect, commitment and loyalty. And how important it is to have that in my life. I cherish that. And I'm much happier now that way. Yes, I have changed. Thanks to YKW.

So back to the question. Will I give CA another chance? The answer is still I don't know. I have been ignoring CA's text messages because I need to think, I need to clear my head, I need to re-evaluate everything, and I need clarifications. I am offshore now, by the way. So I will use this time to think about it. I will need to meet up with CA when I come back home and settle this matter once and for all.

So anyway, that's about it... On my personal life, I starting to feel a bit lonely right now... But I guess, I need this loneliness time. Detox myself from love. So anyway... until then....

Sick at Sea

2009-09-27T23:42:00.005+08:00

Not seasick. I started feeling unwell yesterday, my throat felt sore. But that was it.

This morning, I woke up with the sniffles, coughs and a mild fever. I slept the whole day while the guys worked for a short while, after their last night shift, the night before. Just tonight I asked for some medicine from the offshore medic. I'm surviving, my flu is not that bad, tolerable in that sense.

The weather started to pick up, the gales are strong... You could hardly stand up. The swells are huge, and it's shaking the platform a little bit. Hence as I am typing, my bed is shaking a bit. It's normal at this weather. The platform legs are being hit by the waves and since my room is the highest point on this platform, the shaking are much more profound. It's normal. Nothing to be afraid of, but I'm not sure, I've slept on other beds on this same room but the shaking isn't much felt, only mine. Weird huh?

Today I received a message from a fellow friend. This particular friend is going through the same things as I am. The difficulty of moving on. Well the truth, is that, it is something I've went through. Seeing someone you once loved with all your heart and might and seeing them happy by someone else even worse, happier that way. It's heart crushing. That much I know. And I feel for this friend. I know and it's an ugly place to be in.

Have I healed from those pain? Yes and No. Let's start with the 'no' first. How come it's been almost a year, and I still haven't gotten over 'the one' YKW? Purely because it was the happiest two years of my life and it hurts me every single second of my life that I could not get that back. No matter how hard I try. Sure, some may say why don't we get back together again. Of course, but I know for sure it wouldn't be the same. There's always a reason why we broke up, and why I have broken up with six others after YKW. Sometimes, it just a journey upon discovery of yourself. I have seen it that way, perhaps you may say I'm in denial, as it shows who I am. But who I am is who I am, and it doesn't define me. I like to think that I got better and better as I love and lost. I learn more about myself that way. Of course, there will be hearts broken, but I guess, in a way, it's also a lesson for them.

Recently, someone from my past, anonymously said to me, "What had happened to you? You found someone else, and you let them go, you're so ungrateful and you will never be happy!" Perhaps that person, perhaps that person is one of the six ex-es, perhaps that person is right. I will never be happy. Whoever I am with. It's blunt, maybe the truth. I appreciate that kind of honesty, because it cuts right there deep in my heart, because, perhaps, perhaps it's true. I can never be happy because happy comes from within me. We rely on others to make ourselves happy. And I'm afraid, I have been addicted to that. So back on the 'no'. Yes, I still have that aching pain in my heart, knowing that each day I am not with YKW. But part of me always say, it's meant to be.

The positive side of things of the 'yes', I have healed, knowing fully aware that YKW is happy. And I keep telling myself that YKW is happy, even though it is without me. I am happy knowing that someone else you had loved with all your might is now happy. Perhaps not that happy, but then again, if I get back to YKW, I ask myself if I could ever make YKW happy. And I know from deep inside me, I can't. Because I simply can't. Things are much better separated. Ironic, but true. We move on. We just continued living, because we just have to. We hope. And that's the main thing that helps us move on. We have faith. Hope and Faith. That's all what we need. I'm not writing this to open up old scars but I guess, a chin up for my particular friend that is having a hard time moving on.

Every day, I hope and I held on to my faith in my heart, and pray, that someday, someone like YKW will come and we'll live happily ever after. Easier said that done. And if not, well that's just the way life is. It's full of surprises. Sometimes it bites you. Sometimes it delights you. Nevertheless, its upward and forward. I can't turn back time, and I can't waste my time thinking about 'what if'. I believe some things are just meant to be, not to our liking, but it's meant to be. It is also a journey for them as it is for us all. Sometimes our paths crosses and then it's time to move on following the flow of our path.

No one wants to be sad. No one wants to be stuck in a rut. No one wants to stand still at one point in our path. We move, we learn and important of all, we change. I look back at my six failed relationships. They all taught me little things that I need to know to make a relationship work. Would I embark on another relationship? Of course. Sooner or later? Only time will tell. The thing is we try. And try.

I know what I have been blabbing about, is upfront obvious, but sometimes, the obvious can be blurry to some. On my personal life, besides not feeling well, I actually got to know someone online. I am hoping that it would not lead to a relationship, as I am fasting from that, but somehow I feel drawn to it. I kick myself (really) that I should not have any feelings. And I intend to keep it that way. I suppose I need to start putting myself first. Detoxify myself. From love. Love in this sense is the need to love someone in hope that they will love you back. Love can be addictive. Just like any other intoxicating matter. I gives you that natural high. So I need to kick out from that ugly cycle. Being alone by myself is dreadful. I feel dreadful now, I feel like I don't have anyone to share my life with. I have this need to be love, I have this need to love someone. It's bursting out of my chest, but I have to tame that down.

I'm going home tomorrow, Monday. And I shall recuperate in bed for the rest of the day. Because I know that I will be getting sicker than I am right now. So anyway, I wish my particular friend, the best of everything. And stop dwelling into unnecessary thoughts. Just be happy for you lost love. Have faith and hope, even though every time you feel that you have taken a step ahead, then it throws you two step behind. Just stand up, brush yourself and brace for another. So anyway, that's it from me. I feel my medicine is kicking on me now...

Until then...

Rushing Prep and Eid Mubarak

2009-09-25T18:28:00.000+08:00

I have been meaning to write a post, even before Eid or AidilFitri arrives but I've been busy, and if not too tired and if not, I wasn't in the mood to write.

The paragraph above was written about two days ago, but I ran out of things to say, despite that a lot of things have been happening in my life. So anyway, updates, bear with my dear diary moments, alright?

The day of the moon sighting, we were just getting started with my brother's flat. We worked since the day before, painting upon 2 layers of paint to cover the pen and pencil marks on the wall made by his children. My brother and his family have been living on a deteriorating plastic floor covering for more than a year, my brother have been meaning to change them, since he's busy most of the time and it is a job not for one person, he waited until there is a better reason to change it. So Eid is approaching he thought it will be the best time to change the floor covers. I have been telling him to change the floor covers, but he said he wanted to wait until it was close of Eid to change them, being afraid that his children might tear the floor covering again. No disrespect to my brother's children, and my brother thinks the same that his four sons are really naughty, they are the cause of the deteriorating floor covering and the lack of decorations, because these four boys really can cause havoc and chaos in the house. That is why sometimes, my brother is embarrassed to bring guest home.

We were finishing the last coat that it was time to break fast. My brother's wife i.e. sister-in-law didn't cook anything as she also helped us as well, so I booked a seat for us to break fast at my favorite restaurant. It was my treat. My brother asked to wait to see if the moon sighting was a success. The moon was not sighted. We were relieved... Because not only that his home was not fit for guest, it was looking empty and more looking of a newly painted warehouse. We went home and continued the last few paint layers.

The next day which was the last day of ramadan, we cleaned the floor and started putting on the floor coverings. It was indeed a huge task. It took us the whole morning and afternoon to finish it. Again, we didn't have food and had to eat out, the problem this time, the place I booked were unavailable. Reason, the weather started to pick up, and the place I booked was outdoor. So I scurried alone looking for a place to eat. I remembered a nice place to eat, and doesn't look popular called Deli City in Kiulap. I remembered that they serve really nice satay. I went there... And it was full! I panicked... I walked a few shops along... Luckily I saw some empty seats... I booked them, and called my brother and his family. They came just in the nick of time to break fast. Of course the restaurant that we went to only serve ala carte, so it took a while for our food to arrive. My brother highlighted that, his eldest and second son had a full month of fasting... So to celebrate, I treated them all french toast... It is amazing that my nephew only 9 and 8 years old respectively manage to fast for the whole month. I am so proud of them...

While we were breaking fast, my mum called. She asked for some help with some DIY, my brother-in-law couldn't help as he was away at his father's funeral. We sent off the children and my brother's wife back home and we drove almost an hour away to help my mum. Nothing new needs to be put up, only things that came back from the cleaners such as the curtain that my mum send for cleaning, moving furniture around and putting on the wire casing to run the television cables so it looks nice and tidy. That took the whole night. My brother and I were absolutely exhausted at this point. We came back at 1 a.m. that night...

We came back to the flat feeling a little refreshed by my mum's delicious corn beef fried rice before we left home, we finished the remaining works at the flat. It took us till 5.30a.m. But my brother stayed up until 6a.m. putting on the finishing touches. I slept the whole morning. No morning Raya for me. I woke up at 1 p.m. dressed up in my last year's cara melayu and headed back to my parents. My dad was not home, my brother who slept late and woke up pretty early brought my dad to visit his wife's side of family. So my morning raya was more like an afternoon raya, kissed my mom's hands, wished and asked for forgiveness... It was nice, but her face was exhausted and she wasn't wearing anything nice, she was helping out cleaning the ground floor of the house. My parent's house is a stilt house, you see. I thought I missed out on my uncle's open house gathering in Lumut, about 45 minutes drive from my parents. But fortunate for me, no one have went there yet. So I was happy that I still got a chance to go with everybody. Not long, my eldest brother came with his wife, six children. The house was a complete chaos... Children running amok at my parent's house, my mum didn't mind, but all of was couldn't stand it. Okay, here's the thing about me. I'm their strict uncle. I'm very strict with kids, thus they hate to see me mad. About 15 minutes of screaming, even my sister-in-laws are afraid to see me screaming. The kids all settled down. My sisters and brothers were relieved that I was around. By the way we never went to my uncle's (my mum's brother) open house because we were all too busy still cleaning up the house.

I stayed at my parents until it was midnight and left. My dad came back with my brother. And poor brother, he didn't have enough energy to text back his friends' greeting on his mobile. My brother was completely flat out. I went back home to my brother's flat at midnight only to find my room completely in shambles. Oh the reason for this was that my room was half storage for my brother's decorations. And when my brother took the decorations out, everything in my room look like it had seen an earthquake. So I stayed up and cleaned up the room until 3a.m. I was absolutely exhausted. I woke up again in the afternoon and waited for my sister to call me. Reason for this wait was that, on the second day of Eid, my uncle i.e. my father's brother was having an open house. So it would be unnecessary for me to travel to my parents and make my way from there. All I need is to wait and go there directly. As I was waiting, I went online on Facebook. I saw one status, my friend wanted to get some McD. I texted him up, and joined with him, after a Big Mac, Big Fries, Apple Pie and Big Coke later, we went round The Mall as to digest the food. A caramel flavoured gelato followed soon. LOL. Felling stuffed, we made our own way, but I decided to make a quick stop at the barbers, my hair was in desperate need of a cut. As soon as I finished, my sister called and they said they are on their way to my uncle. I wasn't even dressed yet! So I decided to just go with my t-shirt and jeans, I planned to apologise for my inappropriate dress code.

At my uncle's, I arrived early, ten minutes later, my sisters, my mum, nieces and nephews arrived. Again, the strict uncle routine was played, so that they would be nice angels. (That didn't happen, by the way). There was this huge playground that my uncle had set up, and they all went straight to the swings and slides, ignoring my screams and calls.

A funny and half embarrassing scene happened. I met my grandmother. As soon as she realised it was me, she hit my shoulder for almost a minute. She was mad at me! Why? Because I have been missing from most family functions. She was really pissed but still she sat next to me and took my hand. I smiled. Oh yeah, another reason why she is mad pissed at me, was because I'm not married yet. She said she needs to see me married before she passes... It was sweet. No, not at her being mad. But she seems to have a keen eye on me. She has, hmmm what, almost 50 grandchildren, and she remembers my name, she knows that I have been missing from family functions, she wants me to get married. Ya Allah, bless her. Of all her grandchildren she sat next to me and took my hand. She's not really my grandmother. My late grandfather married 6 times, and my father was the only son from the first marriage, making my father the eldest in the family. My father wasn't the eldest in the first marriage, he was the fifth out of seven children, but all his brothers and sisters had passed away, including his mother in the cholera epidemic in the 1950's.

Hey, now you know more about me eh? Anyway, digressing. Nothing significant happened on the third and fourth day of Eid. But on the fourth day of Eid, I went with my brother-in-law to see an architect. And it seems that I'm a step closer to my dream house. I'm pretty confident with the architect and contractor. It looks good. I'm finalising everything after this trip offshore. Oh which I forgot to tell you about. I am offshore now, thus I have the time to write this very very long post, which I promised Babe to. So I hope reading this blog isn't much of a waste, I do hope after reading this very very long post, you know a little bit about me.

On a personal note, I'm fasting on dates, I'm fasting on relationships. Thus making me on a dry spell. I need to find a hobby soon. Or perhaps put my energy on this future house of mine. Well I'll try to spell and grammar check this long post, but if there is any mistakes, I do apologise. Oh speaking about apologising...

I wish my readers a "HAPPY EID MUBARAK" or as they say in malay "SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI, MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN, MINAL AIDIL WAL FA IZIN". I wish to send my forgiveness for any heartache, offenses or sins that I have done against anyone who I know and I don't know, or any heartache or offenses via my writing. For I am only human, not freed from any mistakes and errors. And thank you for reading up to this point.

Until then....

Neglect

2009-09-19T02:45:00.003+08:00

This time, I'm not going to talk about relationships but more of family ties.

Last night was the first night I slept at my parents after almost 5 years due to a family feud. It was not so much about the feud, but more of none speaking terms with them. Why, lets not delve into that. I slept there, not because I wanted to, but I was uber-tired. There were a lot of things I got done by myself, kudos to me, of course, but I notice one thing about my parent's house. It's full of neglect. There are two men living there, sometimes three (if you count my sister's boyfriend one after another!), but only one really care of doing DIY jobs at my parents house, so I guess after so long, I guess he was also tired of doing the same thing year after year. He is my brother-in-law. But not long as ramadan came, he was called to work offshore, and only yesterday he came back due to a family emergency. The emergency was that his father had a stroke and just when was about to board the chopper back home, his family called and his dad was announced dead. He is devastated. Although his father is a non-muslim, I feel for his loss. Not that religion counts, but anyone who have lost their father would be. So for him and his family, they wouldn't be celebrating Eid as everyone, as it is their customs, they cannot celebrate any type of celebration until after 40 days.

Sunday would be the funeral, and if Eid falls on Sunday, my sister wouldn't be able to join us. So anyway, talking about neglect. My parent's house, is falling apart, it is starting to show it's age, it's been nearly about 20 years since my parents have stayed in that house, a lot of things need to get done. I feel sorry for them, I feel sorry for the house. But manpower is all I can provide for now. Last night when I was sleeping, I saw my mum staring at me from across the living room where I slept. I think I was snoring, and at one point I think I was sleep talking. I don't snore or sleep talk in my sleep, but if I am very very tired, I sometime do. And my nieces and nephews, for the past week or so, I've been analysing by observing them. I find my nieces and nephews lack discipline. They ignore all instructions and they talk back to their mum and their grandmother. My sister told me that ever since I came over and scold them a lot, they have been acting much better than before. But every time I leave, "all hell let loose", she said.

My guess is, my nieces and nephews lack male role model in their lives, so they just walk over and think they could get away with anything despite the daily scream and yells from their mother. Their father is not around much, as he works offshore up to 4-5 weeks at one rotation. So I guess that is why they lack discipline. Somehow it feels that it is up to me to keep things intact again, I feel like I'm falling into the same 'trap' again. Okay, before anybody thinks that I am selfish, I have done this before, befriended my family, become their life saver and then spit at me for a thank you. It's just like them. It's normal for them, the more you help them, the more you will be deemed as the bad guy. I'm used to this. It's just that, I care for them, but sometimes you can't always care for them, even if you could. It is like that saying in malay, "until they got knocked on the head, they won't understand". It's like a small child when you tell them that the kettle is hot, they would still touch it, until when they experienced it, then they will learn and never do it again. It's the same analogy.

Perhaps, I could be around often for them, but not that often, just to keep an eye. There are a lot of 'hidden' problems in the house, mostly financial, but I guess, I'll just keep an open ear instead... So there are still a lot of things need doing... I better get as much rest as I can... Until then...

Break Up... Again...

2009-09-16T04:05:00.002+08:00

No, not with a new one, but still with my OH. I don't know if anyone could break up with one person twice while still on a break up. But apparently I did and have.

After my recent break up with my OH, it was a mutual understanding that the both of us to remain as friends. Which is fair enough. But yesterday, I got a nasty message from my OH that, I am really really breaking up with my OH after reading my previous post of a pseudo date that I had. I was very confused. Is there such thing as breaking up and a really really breaking up?

My best friend and confidante told me that I have broken the etiquette of the breaking up process by dating immediately while the wound is still fresh. Well, my first thought was, is there an etiquette of post break up? Do I have to sit around and wait for, well, absolutely nothing post break up? It wasn't even a real date, so I thought, what was the fuss all about?! My best friend even told me another thing, which made real sense to me, he said, "probably, you didn't treat the relationship as serious as your other half". Yes. I agree but disagree at the same time. I agree in the sense that this was what had happened to me with regards to YKW. YKW 'dated' too soon after our relationship became as 'friends' and I couldn't handle it. To that extent, yes I do agree. But the part that I disagree is that I never took this relationship lightly. I even said at one post, that my OH was almost as good as YKW.

I guess, in a way, I do understand where my OH is coming from, because I have been there, I suppose I should have been more sensitive to my OH's feelings... Then again, if I think about it. my OH i.e. other half is now obsolete, because we're no longer together. So from this onward, I will use an initial CA. Anyway, we are both too busy to discuss about our relationship or friendship or what ever that is left of us, and we're putting things off for a while, to cool things down and maybe in the nearest future, talk things through. But for one thing for sure, I don't want to be in a relationship again. But I can't promise that I won't. Because things do happen and irony seems to be my favourite friend.

So anyway, until then...

Eid Prep

2009-09-14T06:29:00.002+08:00

For the last three days, things have been really tiring. My brother and I have been at my parent's house throughout the weekend to help preparing the house for Eid celebration which is coming in less than a week.

My brother-in-law is usually the man who does all these preperations for Eid every year, but this year he had to be offshore to work, and have left us all with the DIY works. My parent's house is aging, and is nearly showing it's age and having 4 nieces and nephews didn't help the aging at all... We had to repaint the living room again, I had my fair share about 4-5 years ago, I used to be the Eid preparatory commander before I had my feud with my family. After three days, the DIY project is hardly half way through, there are a lot more things to be done. So many things to be done. I must admit my parent's home does show a lot of neglect for the past 7-8 years.

A lot needs to be done. I know I've said that before, but seriously, a lot! Fasting doesn't help either, I just get tired easily. My brother may probably leave me because he haven't started any preparation for his own home yet, he also needs a lot of repainting. No walls are safe from pen and pencil marks when you have children below 5 years old. I'm hoping that I could finish doing my parent's home for the next few days. So that is why I have decided to take a couple of days leave. Tomorrow I will be bringing my mum to Limbang, to run an errand with her.

In all honesty, I'm really really tired. Oh by the way, I had a date, last night. Not a proper date, just having a great time with coffee. It was good, great really. And I don't know if it's going any further. But I'm not putting any hopes up, in fact, not at all. I'm just tired of this relationship malarky that I have been having. If there is any hope, I just hope that I am strong enough stay away from relationships for the moment. It's just too tiring, really.

Aiedee called me up yesterday afternoon from his hometown, Terengganu. He's called to say 'Hi" and I might visit him in December. I miss that guy. Hearing his voice, brings a lot of good memories, I still remember our fasting days offshore like it was just yesterday. A lot have change in less than a year. Some are good changes, some not that good. There's only one thing to do with regards to change. We'd have to follow and change with the times.

Anyway, until then...

p/s: apologies for the bad english on the last post, I really wasn't in the mood to spell and grammar check them...

Personality Clash, Silence and Break Up

2009-09-12T12:30:00.000+08:00

This was written yesterday, but it seems that I could never finish it... I'm having a hard time... but anyway, here's my update so far...

For the past four days, we have been on silence treatment. And the silence were deafening for me. For a couple of days the petty arguement turned huge. Many harsh words were said by the both of us. And today. We finally call it quits today.

I'm feeling down about it. It was actually a risky test, I broke it off and asked if it was agreed. I thought, my OH would fight for us, and make things right. But no. It didn't go as what I had thought in my head. So here I am. Single again. Loving it? Not really. I'm pretty bummed about it. Seriously. I'm very sad.

Although it came from a petty argument, as one of my friends said to me that it's not about the issue itself, but more about the personality and if it is compatible to our personality, and seeing everything as a whole, as a relationship. Of course, we're not looking for the same personality but more of a compensating personality, just like the left and the right hand, they are opposite, but it makes a good clasp. Somehow I sound like I'm justifying the break up. But I'm not.

I have been very bad boyfriend to my OH, to be honest. I've shouted, I've mocked my OH during big arguements and I've been quick to judge my OH for the many many things. But that was done out of bad temper, but I did apologise and ask for forgiveness. I know I have to tend my nasty temper. But there are times when I get so worked up, I just lose it. So with this break up, I do admit that I have no patience for my OH.

Tolerances and Compromises

2009-09-05T00:07:00.004+08:00

I'm half angry and half sulking with my OH.

Sometimes my OH have this ability to make me feel needy and clingy. Sometimes I feel that I'm always the one giving and giving, thus making me feel just like that. It is as if, I'm holding all my cards out for everyone to see for the sake of love. And I'm only making a great fool of myself. Where does that fine line starts or stop?

Where would you draw the line from doing something for someone your love and doing anything and everything for someone you love? As days go by, sometimes I feel I'm doing the latter. I'm only writing my frustration here, not to belittle my beloved OH, I just need to release this anger that I am having at the moment. So what was this all about? Without elaborating too much on the matter, I asked to be together for one night and do what I wanted to do and then, I got a quick turn down. Purely because my OH don't feel like it. I've done my part of reluctance for the sake of love, but sometimes I feel there's no compromise between us. The reason why my OH didn't want to do it, was just because it will be boring (without even trying to). And that makes me mad! Didn't it occur that I just wanted to do the things I love with someone I love, regardless what that someone I love thinks? Okay, perhaps that's too strong, let's rewrite that sentence, what about doing the things I just wanted to do with someone I love?

I know from this post, it may sound like I am over-reacting, maybe. But there are quite a number of times I got shot down with a no, just because my OH "didn't feel like it" or "just not interested in" or "feels embarrassed". What happen to sharing our lives together?

Without sounding judgmental (although it always does), one thing about my OH that I have a problem with, is the limitation that my OH builds around. "No, I'm not used to it", "No, it's too embarrassing", "No, it's too far", "No, it's too boring", "No it sounds boring", "No, No, No!". In all honesty, I am sick and tired of this unnecessary barrier my OH builds around. I sometimes feel and think it's like living in fear. An obsessive disorder of not wanting to know the unknown. I just wanted to share my life with someone I love dearly and it feels so hard to do when anything I ask got shot down quickly. And it makes me feel needy and wanting attention, which I'm clearly not. I know I should not force things down anybody's neck if they are not comfortable with it, but it's give and take, right? That's how relationships work, right? If I am wrong on everything, at least with this one, I know I am right.

When I get to know someone new, and wanting to know them better, I usually ask them this question, "There's two type of people who don't know things in this world, the first are the type of people who don't know things, but wouldn't mind knowing even if it didn't benefit them what-so-ever, and the second type of this kind of people, is that they don't know, and they continue not knowing, they don't want to know and prefer to live in ignorance, so which one are you?" I asked my other half this question, to no available answer.

I know relationships need work and time to sort things through, and I think we'll get through this one just fine, it's just a small pebble on the road for me, I'm only letting out my frustration to you guys out there, if anyone had been in my shoes before... And perhaps could share me a thought or two about this. I'm trying hard to understand my OH, but sometimes, just sometimes I feel like I'm on my own on this one...

Change is obviously not an overnight process, nor if it's easy. Change have to come from within and not forced upon. Change can be a difficult process when pressure is put upon. I'm not writing this post to change anyone with my thoughts, but sometimes change can be a clear cut process when they know that it's all in the best interest and for the better. Like that old saying "you can bring the water to the horse, but eventually, the horse had to drink it". But sometimes I do wonder, what if the horse never did want to drink? What would I do next?

Until then...

Brings Old Memories

2009-09-03T22:58:00.005+08:00

I'm offshore. I have been here since yesterday (Wednesday) but my presence offshore that day was more or less invisible. That's because the journey to offshore took me about eight tiring hours. Tiring in this sense was the wait. And the wait was unbearable...

Here's the dear diary moment... I woke up at about 3a.m for Sahur, as soon as it passed imsak at about 5a.m, got ready and by 6.10a.m I was already at the National stadium, the rendezvous point for my pick up to Anduki Airport, by 8a.m I had arrived, I expected my flight to depart at 9a.m or 10a.m. But the weather started to pick up. It was raining pretty hard and heavy. A delay was announced but they didn't say when, they only said "until it was safe to take off". I waited from 8a.m and waited, and waited, and after more than 6 hours later they announced it... It was time to proceed to the bus for boarding on the chopper. My neck, my body was aching and my head was spinning, because the Airport had no place to rest, there were no bench to lie down, no seat with head rest, it was hard. We took off at exactly 2.45 and by 3.10 I reached Cp07 (Champion 07). Checked in and went straight to bed because my migraine had taken over and I couldn't even stand up straight. I missed the YTT (Yesterday-Today-Tomorrow) meeting at 4.30p.m. I was woken up by my friend and construction supervisor, Zaki as it was close to break of fast.

So that was my horrific journey. It was the worst journey to offshore I have ever had, some of the guys were used to it, but not me, I was fidgeting all the time trying to find a nice comfortable position to sit on a very hard and awkward seat. I just wanted to lay my head down because I've been up since 3a.m. So anyway, there is also a high likelihood of going offshore again just before Eid until the first few days of Eid as relief for my colleague. The basic reason is, I haven't got a family of my own, both of my colleagues are married and are family men. So for a bachelor like me, I usually get 'penalized' by default. But that's life, I'm not used to that but I've grown tired of trying to fight a loosing battle.

Being offshore again does bring old memories. Last year, I had a great time having Ramadan with Aiedee offshore, and the fasting month went by so fast and I can still remember as it was only yesterday. A lot of things had changed. Now I have Zaki as my CSV (Construction Supervisor) when last year he was only an assistant CSV. The old crew had gone, and now we have a new crew and the biggest difference of all, is that I'm now not really used to being offshore. I am basically dragging my own feet here. I still remember Aiedee, Khidir and myself always break fast at the same table for almost a month until Aiedee left us to return home. It was a good time. It was a great time. I miss all those moments.

I miss my OH at the moment. Every waking seconds that I spend, I miss my OH. This is the thing, I guess, and I'm not sure about this just yet, I feel afraid of losing my OH. Being offshore had scarred me, and my exes had cheated on twice while I was offshore. It is not that I don't trust my OH, it's just that, trust takes time, it is something to be earned, not as a given. My OH had repeatedly tried to convince me that there is nothing to worry about. My OH also gave me a solemn promise to be faithful. But I'm afraid to trust this time. Sometimes, with trust, hope and expectations arises, and when the time comes when you are let down, you feel so deeply hurt but I'm sure I will rise up again, but in all seriousness, I don't know if I could ever love again. Perhaps I would, but I don't think I could find anyone as great as YKW or my current OH. My feeling for my OH is clear. I love my OH so much. There's no one I would want to be with but my OH. My OH makes me happy. Seriously happy. The last time I feel this happy was when I was with YKW. I love my OH so much. Yes, I know, I said the 'L' word. Love, we're in love, we're neck deep in love. We had our fights and arguments yet we always make up and solve the problems together. We had our ups and downs but still my OH sticks by me all this while. I truly appreciate that. I know there's so many things I wanted to change (for the better) about myself, and given time, I would. And I know I could.

So yeah, here I am missing my OH terribly. I am counting the hours for my return home, I just can't wait to give my OH big hug. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you one thing, I've been doing a lot of land searching and I found one with a good offer, it's where I wanted and at a very low price, the thing is, I don't know if I should commit to that yet... but I'm hopeful. My youngest sister and her husband have been searching for a place too. They have been meaning to build their house as well. And for the past few days before I was offshore, we have been discussing about land, land properties, etc. It's great. And last Monday, we broke fast at this famous place, it's a place we often go to, in fact I celebrated my belated birthday there. And guess what? All three of us, got food poisoning and suffered diarrhea for two days, my diarrhea settled down yesterday. Luckily it was a mild one.

The agenda for the next few weeks will be a lot of DIYs. My brother-in-law have booked me for a few days to repaint the living room back at my parents, and my brother whom I am living with also booked me for re-painting and renovating his home as well. It seems that this Eid will be busy and my family is in the mood for celebrating, I just wish that my next trip offshore won't happened as anticipated.. The agenda when I get back, I will be driving my mum to Limbang again, that's three times in three straight weeks... So what else hmm...

So guess, that's it for now, until then...

Inspired by Readers and Dad

2009-08-27T21:39:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, I went to my Auntie's place to break fast, she and her family always do this during the Ramadan period, calling all relatives and friends and have a doa selamat and tahlil for his late son. His son is about my age, but he passed away in 2000 in a car crash. Sometimes I sometimes feel like my aunt is looking at me in a weird sad way, it used to be that way but it's getting lesser as years goes by. My cousin who passed away is the only cousin of my age group. It's sad to think about it, he's is much closer to my brother than I am, but when we were growing up as kids, he was quite close to me, then again, he loved to bully the big fat kid. That's me, of course, but nevertheless close. If he is still around, he would be married with at least 3 kids and happy. But then again, as everything life has to offer, life surely have to go on.

I received a comment from a reader with regards to my last post. I don't usually talk about people who gave comments but then again, her words of wisdom did took me to new heights, but not really. I'll paste some of her comments here, "There is Hikmah to everything... and I have learnt that in life, people have reasons for doing what they did even sometimes if others will never understand or accept. These reasons were usually valid and emotionally correct and the right decision for that person (or their other half) at that moment in time. There will come time, where we ourselves will face the same dilemma and times where people will be mad or hate us for making what they thought to be irrational. Again quoting a great friend who just left a few days ago, "the best give you could give to others, is the best you could want or have for yourself" but "what is best for you, might not be the best for others."

Very deep I must admit, and insightful. The reason why I brought it up was because, it was exactly what I brought up with my dad when I was driving him to the event yesterday. We were discussing about my mum and my siblings and how he felt helpless with the situation going on at home. I told my dad, "The simple truth why I left home is exactly that. I'm feel helpless back at home. I can't help them anymore, I'll be there as much as I can, I'll help as much as I can but the rest, I just don't know what to do. The reason why I came home is not because I forgive nor have I forgotten, but it's just because no matter what you will always be my dad, and mum will always be my mum and the both of you will always be my parents". My dad agrees with me. The situation at home which is personal for me to blab on this blog is at the moment going through some kind of saturation, where the problems that exist still exist but ignored like there is nothing going on. Denial perhaps but that's the way it is.

On my personal opinion upon things, I've given up on my family, seriously I am. I feel exactly like my dad, we feel hopeless and helpless, we couldn't do anything more, and the more we get involved with the problems, the more helpless we get and the more it seems that you're the bad guy. Like that popular saying, "You can bring the water to the horse, but the horse has to drink it, itself". There's nothing much I could do to help the situation unless they help themselves. I've also told my dad, "I'm not acting all perfect and almighty with the situation and problem, I'm not perfect and I know I have my own mistakes and I know they bitch about it, but the thing about me not going home is not my fault. They drove me away." My dad gave a simple nod and said "I understand, I wish I could too".

And today, I broke fast with my two brothers and my brother-in-law. We ate out at my usual hangout place, the rest of the family (sister and sisters-in-laws plus nephews and nieces) joined on another table inside the restaurant because it was full inside. It was really nice to have dinner with them. Oh, I also met up with a guy today, about a land, but the information that he had with him was limited so I couldn't imagine what was going on with the land area he was talking about. I have a few lands and landlords to meet, fortunately maybe it's the gift of Ramadan, things are easy to find this time round.

There's nothing much to report with regards to my OH. We're just taking it easy together and enjoying the time that we have, this is one relationship which I feel that we don't spend enough time together, but I'm not too much bothered about it. The thing is I understand or at least I try to understand. I am not feeling well recently, and I am sure it's not because I have been fasting, it's just that I have fevers and feeling hot and cold all the time. I always feel like puking out, but I never do, that's because I hold it in, some people tell, puking helps, but seriously, puke? I like food one way from my mouth to my stomach, not the other way round.

Lack of...

2009-08-26T13:00:00.000+08:00

I sincerely apologise for not updating this blog, I have been meaning to, but recently I was not in the mood to write or maybe having a writer's block... I've started a post before but then I find myself staring at the blank white space and ended up logging off.

I've been busy lately, not at work but at the personal level. Today is actually my first day at work since Ramadan started. Oh yeah, silly me, Happy Ramadan and may this Ramadan and fasting season give you a lot of blessings from Allah. I have been fasting, I didn't break any despite getting sick for the couple of days now. Boy, do I have a lot of things to share with you... Most of them are dear diary moments, and in fact this will be a dear diary episode of a post. But then again, I can't even remember what happened last week. Everything just zipped pass by me in a flash and it's over and done with, and I didn't even had fun! I think....?

Oh yeah, last Saturday, was the first day of Ramadan and traditionally, we, five siblings break our fast with our parents, it was good. But we (as in my elder brother and I who was on our way to our parents) didn't make it in time for the break. The Ramadan stalls were jam packed and we had a hard time trying to exit, there were too many people and too many cars, it was just too much and too many of everything. We can't even really look at the food that was being sold... There was just too many people. I think you can get the picture, lol. We broke our first fast of the year in my car with a bottle of mineral water followed by one blissful stick of cigarette. We only got home about a few minutes late, but when we were there everything ran amok. Good amok, that is. It's nice to see, hear and experience the hustle and bustle of the family, each trying to gather everyone and my nieces and nephews to keep quiet and sit still. It was nice... I missed the last few years because I didn't get along with my mum for quite a long time, but that's passed, forgotten but not necessarily forgiven, but I try... to move on, that is...

On that day, my mum made a weird request. Well it's not the request that was weird, but it was weird, but it's not-not weird, but that makes it weird again but nevertheless it was weird. My mum, asked if I could accompany her to Limbang (that's across the border to Sarawak) to run an errand (and the errand is a little personal to be put on this blog, because it just is... It's nothing out the ordinary but it was to my point of view, personal) which made it even more weird. I knew she asked me because I was the only one available. My eldest brother is a civil servant, so he would be working, my elder brother is not working, but he couldn't get out of the country because he works in the army. My younger sister, well, she's... well, hmmm let's just say, a different story, so I'll skip her, and my youngest sister, well, she had to take care of the children and send them to school... So that leaves me. My mum told me she'd reconfirm on Sunday for the trip. Sunday came and gone, no confirmation, so I thought, the excursion's off.

Whilst I was nicely in dreamland at about noon on Monday, I got the call, she did ask my youngest sister to reconfirm that the trip on Sunday, but my sister never got round to do it. So it was rush-rush-rush. I took my shower, drove 45 minutes to Tutong Town (rendevous point) and then wait-wait-wait, but the wait was productive, I got to buy groceries for myself. Long outstanding items, such as a dust-pan, yes, a dust-pan and tin can of that room fragrance thing... the one with the timer thing... that sprays every interval that you set it to... so yeah, I got that... I've been meaning to buy those things for nearly a month, but never got round to it. It's silly really, but yeah, I did... Oh sorry, digressing... I waited for, I think was another 45 minutes when they finally arrived...

The journey to Limbang was uneventful, everything went smooth and the view were a little breath taking, but we were sort of in a rush so breath taking took the back seat. When we arrived there there was another wait, the shop that we were at, the technician was out and the rain was pouring, pouring cats and dogs. It was dreadful. Then the technician arrive, we did our thing, there were some waiting and so, we had the longest and the most boring small talk I have ever endured. But perseverance pays in the end. We wanted to get some food to break fast for the family back at home, but since it was raining, my mum changed her mind and decided to head back to Brunei instead.

And the trip back was much smoother, thanks to my skillful driving, but I was also very very cautious because I can't seemed to shake off my mind that traumatic video clip of a family who lost their lives captured by using a phone who was on their trip to Limbang. Somehow that clip sort of repeated over and over in my head and it was just eerie to think about, let alone going through that... I deleted it when I saw it, I couldn't watch it, and if I am not mistaken not long after that, it was announce by the media to stop distributing the video clip. But remembering that clip, it sends chills to my spine. So anyway, we arrive quite early to Brunei, I suggested to my mum that since we could never be in time to be home for break of fast, we might as well go to the Ramadan food stall nearby the National Stadium and get some food, eat some on the way (when it is time to break fast) and eat the rest with the family, my mum liked the idea and obliged.

Cut story short, and I know it's very oh dear diary moments, but please spare me this time, because seriously, I've run out of things to write... So anyway, yeah, cut story short, what was planned went as planned and I returned home at about 10pm. But the drama didn't end there. I had a 'text' fight with my other half. Oh speaking about other halves... it has been more than a month that we have been seeing each other, and going relatively well, I might add, depends how you see it, but yeah, I gave a pat on my back and my other half too, for lasting this long... looks good, feels good. But anyway yeah, we had a fight because my other half thought I was cheating! This is what you get for spying on my mobile phone!... LOL. My other half secretly browsed through my mobile phone, reading my text messages correspondence and misread the date... More than a month and before we met, I had a date that never took place. It didn't happened because... to think about it, I can't even remember... But it never happened and my other half read those old messages thinking it was new!...

First of all, I have nothing to hide, thus I don't mind my other half spying on my mobile phone, but I do think that a mobile phone is a private object. We don't simply borrow and read other peoples' text messages or see who they have been calling or been calling them... I guess it's an unspoken rule of owning a mobile phone. But if say to gain trust, my mobile phone have to go under some scrutiny, so what! It isn't much a big of a deal for me, well, it used to, but it's no longer, because simply, I have got nothing to hide, I have never deleted any messages from my phone since I bought it except when my siblings borrowed my phone and I deleted my other half's text messages so that they don't pry on me. LOL.

But I was really mad. My other half accused me of something I didn't do. But in the end, I proved myself, showed the phone and all obscurities gone and passed, put it in the past and keep it there, it was just a mere misunderstanding. To tell you the truth, the journey with my other half (writing other half is just so, repetitive, so I'll just use OH from now on), so as I was saying... the journey was a bumpy one, I've lost my temper once and we had quite a few quarrels. But in the end, we always manage to sort out our problems, slowly and surely. So that's good thing, I suppose. And I'm always taking things day by day, which helps.

Yesterday, I didn't wake up at all, I slept the whole day, I had a fever. I was still fasting, I didn't want to break my fast, because to "payback" fasting outside Ramadan is really really challenging, and I know couldn't do it, so I slept my fever off. I think I got it after getting myself under the rain on Sunday. So that was why I didn't go to work yesterday, and even today, I'm not feeling any better, but I had decided not to spoil my sickness and try as much to perk up. I am having a bad headache as I am typing all this, but trying to recall the past few days' events to write this blog I sort of forget the headache, but it's coming back now. It's silly that sometimes we notice the subconscious and consequently become conscious thus bringing back the headache... and now consciously trying to be subconscious of it, so that it can push the headache away.... you getting any of this? Oh I'm rambling, so I guess, this is my queue to stop.

And you have got to be kidding me if I am going to spell and grammar check this post...

Until then...

Best Weekend So Far This Year

2009-08-17T16:24:00.001+08:00

The family back at home have been planning to do a Tahlil and Doa Arwah, Doa Tolak Bala and Doa Selamat. (Prayers who have pass on, and prayers for longevity, etc). And my mum decided to do it this weekend before the Ramadhan months starts. We usually do this function during the Ramadhan month, whilst breaking fast as well. But my mum doesn't think she can manage all that during the Ramadhan month.

About a week in advance my youngest sister had already booked all three of us (me and two big brothers) to do some house-keeping and do tidying up at home before the Sunday function, I worked on Fridays, so my eldest brother went alone, my elder brother and I came on Saturday

and did we worked our ass off. My mum gave us instructions and we did it without any much questions only that we did more than she asked for. I was responsible to cut a branch of a tibadak/cempedak (jackfruit) tree. Because my mum's huge lime tree had recently fallen due to strong winds. and to straighten it up again, part of the branch (but more like a big trunk) had to be cut away. The tree was bearing lots of fruits, and just by looking at it, there were about more than 80 jackfruits hanging on the branch and tree trunk. So like a good boy, I did what was told. But there was another tree trunk that was in the way, and my youngest sister pointed it out, that, that needs to be cut down too... I warned my sister that she will be responsible for asking to cut it down. So I was sawing that off until a loud crack, my mum was screaming at us, my mum was halved amused and halved pissed... My brother was busy demolish a chicken hut. It was so funny... We also made a huge bonfire, my mum was screaming her head off, because next to the fire was her chilly plant.

The thing with my mum and her 'garden' is that she had no planning ahead, she just plant everywhere she felt like it. So her 'garden' looks very much unorganised. Some of the plants she planted years ago which by now are big full grown trees are standing next to the house and the branches reaches windows and roofs. The have been many occasion where monkeys from the nearby jungle came to the house using the branches to climb in. And at one time, a phyton snake were found near by the window.

When I was sawing off the second branch which we were not supposed to, my feet and legs were bitten by hundred's of mosquitoes and 'pikat' ('pikat' are houseflies size bugs that suck blood and boy do they sting and itch... My leg is still itching and it will take a few days to heal... then the second branch that I was cutting fell on my right arm, and now my arm has gone blue and black, there were so many pushing, pulling, lifting, sweeping, brushing, you name it we did it... It was fun. Despite the injuries.

On Sunday itself, my elder brother and I came early before the occasion to finish up the job from the previous day, and my mum gave us more things to do, and that was done in record time, we cleared the drains, and not long after that, guest started to arrive, we went to clean ourselves up. What's different this time, my mum seemed glad, she did not scream and shout at her grandchildren, she looked very very happy, I feel glad about it, I suppose, it was not that often that all her children came round the house to help her. Usually she will be all stressed out, instructing us, instructing my nieces and nephews to do chores that needs doing, she will be screaming her way as she entertain guests at the same time... But not this time. My dad was also very happy. I guess, that was the best weekend so far, spending time with my family. This is something I will remember for a very long time.

On my personal note, things are looking up for me and my other half. Understanding and sharing seemed to be the main theme at the moment. It's good, it's all good, surprisingly.

Until then...

Post Edit: Pikat are known as horse or deer flies... and they bite! Please click here and here for more info.

Mash Up By Norwegian Recycling...

2009-08-17T16:15:00.002+08:00

A few months ago, I introduced to you a mash up artist called Norwegian Recycling a.k.a Peter Bull. He is just awesome. Mash up are not remixes... I would love to share with you this specific mash up that he made in May. This was quite controversial because it has some copyright issues, but nevertheless this track made it to the airwaves on BBC Radio... This track is just brilliant...

Cool huh? Another one from my favourite mash up artist... Loving it so much

Norwegian Recycling - Viva La Viral from Peter Bull on Vimeo.

Quiet Blog

2009-08-11T00:02:00.003+08:00

This blog has turned a little quiet, and I guess, I'm losing my readers. I do apologise for this...

The honest truth is that, I'm trying as much not to write or repeat the same thing with my previous relationships and consequently making a fool of myself by saying one thing but doing the opposite. Oh yes, I do realise that, I'm not that ignorant. Sometimes, we couldn't follow through what we want in life, things just change so rapidly. I'd hate to shot my own foot my writing with my thoughts that was right at that point in time. Yes, those were just that, the right thoughts or the right frame of mind at that point in time. Not long after those things been said, I did the exact opposite. For example, I'm dating and now in a relationship. Relationship after I said I didn't want any.

Ironic seems to be my middle name. Then again, one may have forgotten how ambivalent I can be. I recognise that I have a problem, which is my inability to say "No". I use my instinct and my heart most of the time to make the choices in life which in the latter days making me eat my own words. And if I may delve aside as to my relationship at the moment is going up and down, I guess, we're at a point where we're trying to get used to each other, we often argue nowadays and we make up after that, which is always nice. I guess the 'honeymoon period' is over and now, we're trying to share each other's life.

Sharing. That's the whole point of any relationship. The ability to share, that's something quite vague on my other half's side. Mystery or secretive about it, I don't know, then again, I'm not persistent on wanting to know as well, I guess, at this point in time, I'm just following the flow, but I don't know how long I can wait. But I guess, the time will come, when it comes.

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and fitness, the on-going hazy condition is not helping, especially the place where I am staying, living quite close to the forest fires. Sometimes the smoke and ashes reaches room as I sleep with the outer door open, recently it remain closed. The smell is just overbearing, I couldn't stand it, it induces my migraines. Billy, my best friend and I recently visited the gym that he goes to, I'm thinking if I should take the annual or six monthly membership. I've been ignoring and slacking off my fitness regime, especially now that I am in a relationship. I don't know why but if I had to chose to spend time in the gym than time with my other half, the latter always wins.

There's nothing much to say actually, but that I am offshore again as planned. Today's journey was long and tiring. There are times when actually flying abroad is much easier than flying offshore, the process is just too lengthy. In a way, it's just all hurry to wait in the end. Wait, wait, wait. It's just so counter productive if you ask me, but then again procedures are procedures, and we have to follow strict protocols. I'm whining I know. So anyway, now that I am here, the work progress doesn't look good. There's just too much work but lackresources, my construction supervisor, is staying on a rig, and won't make it back early tomorrow morning thus everybody will be idling for the second day.

Anyway, enough ranting about work, but I have been wondering, how are my readers really? Keep me updated... Until then...

Jealousy and Suspicion

2009-08-08T07:02:00.003+08:00

I've done my fair share of blind jealousy and suspicion of my lovers. And they have done the same to me. But this new... I don't know what it should be called, dare I say, relationship? Took jealousy and suspicion to another level.

No one likes to be treated like some kind of criminal. No one likes to be suspected as a criminal. No one likes the second or third degree or any amount of degree, that is. Usually, at this point, I would have already run a mile from the first hint of jealousy and suspicion or should I add here, insecurities. But I'm afraid of running, I'm just way to tired for everything and anything. I'll work something out, and if it fails, it fails. I'm just tired. I'm not a teenager trying to work out a new relationship, I've been there, we all have been there, do we really want to repeat it again?

Something has got to give sometimes. Give and take, that's all what it needs. But sometimes, in this new 'journey' I'm embarking, I feel like I'm giving, giving, giving, a little take, but not what I wanted, or was done out of 'have to's. This new journey has lots of no-goes, no this, no that, not that either, don't do this, don't do that, don't do that either... You get what I mean right? No, seems to be the new catch phrase. No. What's weird, is that, I'm sticking by it this time. Maybe, I'm just going to watch and wait where this could lead me, maybe I'm in love (god forbid!), maybe I'm that desperate, maybe I'm needy, maybe I just couldn't be ask. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

However, this next paragraph is somewhat expected by at least one reader of this blog. My ex, YKW. After ten long months, we finally cross paths. It was unexpected and it was quite a surprise. During the encounter, I just couldn't speak much, all I could hear was my the beating of my heart, beating really fast and really loud. It was practically beating in my ears. What's worst was, when we crossed paths, we were seated next to each other. We exchanged a few words, but I tried really hard to avoid eye contact. Two reasons really, first, I can't explain why, but I was nervous and secondly, I wanted to laugh. I just couldn't accept the time and place or if any, the irony of it all, it's just too funny for me all at the same time. But I couldn't wait to get away from that place, as soon as my turn was up, I went out. Having five stick of cigarettes finally calm my nerves down.

The thing is, it shouldn't bother me. But then again, that was the first time we met after we broke up. I guess, I'd know how to react the next time, IF we ever cross paths again. Anyway, coming back to the topic of jealousy and suspicions, it makes me feel constrained, suffocated and suffocated. (I know I said that twice!) I don't know what to make of it. We've talked, well, sort of, it's just that sometimes, the topic can be sensitive and personal, that I just don't want to make a big fuss out of it. The underlying factor is just insecurities, wanting to control fate and having no faith for the other person. I've learnt to control myself, but can this new.... I don't know, it's definitely not a date anymore... this new other half? I'm not sure, but I hope it's uphill after this...

Sorry, that I couldn't be specific on this post, it's just that, I don't really want to dwell too much on the negativity of things, I guess, at this point in time, I'm even tired to describe the negatives... Anyway, until then....

Many Updates

2009-08-05T18:04:00.003+08:00

There are many things to update, but I'll just update you on just the essentials.

I have been offshore on Monday. That was a tiring trip. I started my day as normal, and just when I was about to reach KB which is more than an hour drive from home, I received a phone call from my colleague announcing that he couldn't make it for his crew change because he was not feeling well. If you had been an avid reader, I am a relief for my colleague. So I called my supervisor, and he told me that my flight offshore will be at 4 freaking afternoon, so I had to made my way back home again to pack my stuff, bear in mind, home is another hour trip back.

To add salt to the injury, apparently there were an accident involving six cars, and I had to use a long way round to get home. I packed my stuff only to realize that most of my undergarments and shorts are still at the laundry, I had to run around like a headless chicken. I didn't even had time to have breakfast, fortunately, when I got back to the office at 2pm, my colleague from the office offers his company, because he was hungry as well. I had breakfast/lunch at 2pm and by 3pm I was at my brother to pick him up, as he is my designated driver to Anduki Airport.

As we were driving to Anduki, we saw a lot of cars making a U-turn. Road was freaking closed, and I was already late!!! So I had to make a U-turn as well and use the bypass road to get to Anduki, and when we got to the junction to Anduki, that road was also closed, and we spent about two minutes trying to convince the policeman to let us through!! I screamed from the car "how am I suppose to catch my flight and go to work!!", then acknowledging that I am in a hurry, he let us through.

It didn't end there... When I got to check in for my flight, and I was very late, my name was not registered!! I told my brother, "fxck it, I'm going to the the briefing room!" He told me to go ahead. And in the end, somehow, it was fixed and half an hour later after I was already on our way to CP07. All that mad rush all on Monday. Talk about going through a bad day eh?

Yesterday went smoothly but only today, a lot of problems, my men lost their bed, we had to cut down our resources to make way 'important' people by giving up more of our beds, our scope are all urgent and we're out of men. Everything is ad hoc! Ad hoc! But now, it's 6pm and I'm out. I'm turning my 'working' brains off. And all I care, is that I'm going back home tomorrow morning. Hopefully it will be in the morning, because for the past few days, there have been a lot of delays due to the thick haze. This haze, good god, I hope it ends soon. The haze is even thicker here offshore in the morning. I had a migraine because the odor of the smoke was too much for me this morning.

As for my love life, it's going really really well. It's good. It's nice to have someone by your side. By my side again. It's going unexpectedly well. I might not be head over heels, but I guess, a floating on air, well, just a little.

Other than that... workload is going to increase tremendously in a few weeks time, and the challenge is that workload will be during Ramadhan (fasting) month. We'll see how it goes... Oh I've got to go have dinner and I've got not time to spell or grammar check.. Until then...

Just another day

2009-07-28T15:22:00.003+08:00

Note: Sorry for the lack of updates; this was written a long time ago, but never got published, so I guessed this'll have to do for now....

There are not much going on at the current moment, basically I've been up and living. Living a life full routines, thus why this blog haven't had much updates.

There are a lot of things that have happened throughout this couple of days, but none of them worth mentioning to my readers. Last Sunday, my siblings and I made a surprise advanced birthday celebration to my brother-in-law, organise by my sister (his wife). We bought him a cake. Today is his real birthday. Yesterday was my brother's birthday, I gave him a birthday text through the mobile phone.

June and July are full of birthday celebrants in my family. Unfortunately, it's been quiet. I would love to treat them to dinner but my current financial status is not healthy enough to do that. Things are quieting down, my love life, sort of a plateau at the moment with the just this one date. How's that going, you might wonder?

A Great Weekend

2009-07-26T18:32:00.003+08:00

It has been a while since I last had this kind of weekend.

As planned about two weeks ago, my college mates and I were planning or a bbq for their house warming party. Like all house warming goes, it was pot luck invitation, I brought drinks, lots of it. (Non-alcoholic, of course). And by default, I helped looking after the barbie, adding charcoal and ensuring that all things are in order. I was happy to do that.

Slowly one by one the guys came, old mates, and new mates. These new mates are friends of a friend of a friend, or a friend's house mates, or the house mate's friend... All from different type of backgrounds and type of occupations. It was really cool. And this is one night I will remember for a very long time.

I had to leave early because I had a revisiting date (actually it was to watch the fire works, but we were late). This date is going well. It looks good. But I'm keeping it real this time. It's still just a date, no more , no less. I don't want to think to much about it. As long as it it good, it's fine. I wouldn't say I've never thought of having a relationship again with respect to this date, but I guess, I shouldn't spoil the good times that we have by thinking to much about the long term . In other words, I'm just taking things easy. No need to over work myself by assuming and dwelling too much on each other's emotions and feelings. Just living amicably in the present. It's good, so let's keep it that way... when the time comes, it will and if it's meant to be, it shall happen. Don't you think so?

In short, this has been a great weekend since a very long time. It's great, it's good, it's all good. Hope your weekend, went well too... Until then...

Happy Day

2009-07-23T14:53:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a good day. It might be the partial solar eclipse, but indeed yesterday was a very good day for me.

Before that, I think I should write here a comment from my previous post by Mirdahmad, an avid reader of my blog, "a sad entry... pathetic maybe? naaaaah, you are one very strong person. You are just playing around, experimenting with your feelings, like a kid playing with lego, building something before tearing it all apart then building it again, each time differently. The resources; product and outcome in a perfect equilibrium. Its not useless neither a failure, its just a bumpy road. Maybe you should take the highway!"

Why does this comment deserve to be in this post, because Mirdahmad have in a way opened-up my mind about life itself. I've never thought about experimenting, like a lego and building it all over again, eventhough perhaps it was obvious to some people. But that simple comment was a "WOW" for me. I am experimenting love, different types of it, oh yeah, up to now, I do know love have their own types, degrees and levels. But it's the tearing down bit that smacked me down, unlike lego, love cause a lot of heartaches.

But anyway, this post is my way of thanking Mirdahmad for an eye opener. Eventhough it was simple, it was meaningful to me. So continuing the good vibe yesterday, I was called into my boss office, he send me an MSN, telling me to drop by before I go off for the day. I sat with him for about half an hour, to discuss about, well, me. He said something along the line of great capabilities and capacity, unfortunately, it ends with inconsistency. My boss, also a mentor (before he became my boss), gave me a wake-up call. I do admit that I am able to do things beyond my abilities, but he was right, inconsistency in my presence in the office was the main drawback and it is pulling me down. I appreciate his intentions and he made my day to keep on going well.

Then, I revisit a date that I had previously. And without dwelling much, because it is personal to me, I got to know my date really well. And this feelings that I had last night, was last felt about two years ago when I was with my ex, YKW. It wasn't the same, but the feelings were similar. I felt the similar vibe, I felt the similar intense feelings that I had two years ago. But I'm keeping my feet on the ground this time. And that was the best ending of day, after all this time. I won't get over myself this time. I'm keeping it real. No promises were exchange, no plans were made, it's too early for anything, but one thing for sure, it was good. Very good indeed.

I'm way too happy now and pray to Allah, that this will lasts...

Ambivalent Feelings

2009-07-21T00:09:00.003+08:00

Being ambivalent have their advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages are that you're not that picky, because when something like food or restaurants looks good, you're open to any suggestions. Their disadvantages is I think most likely got to do with feelings and emotions.

I've started dating again, well, I'm not looking for love and relationship at the moment, but I think about it now and again, I do need some sort of companionship. And perhaps companionship could grow into something more meaningful. My date yesterday was an eventful one, we had so many things in common with respect to family and relationships. We found ourselves talking about a lot of things under the cool breeze of the South China Sea. It was nice to finally date a gentle being. So far, I've experienced that my date was very calm and gentle.

I must admit that I am quite attracted to my date, which ruins my decisiveness. But I am sure that the least that I want out of my date is friendship and companionship. I guess all in good timing. My best friend asks me, when we are not ready for love, how do we know that when we shutdown true love when it's staring you in your face, that we'll not regret it for the rest of our life. And how do we know that it is true love in the first place. Chicken and egg situation.

I sometimes find it frustrating, when I see people seek true love as if in a snap of a finger and they look so happy. When I have to go through so much thoughts and emotions to make my decision. My brother told me, love is like gambling, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes, we'd have to make it work, like playing cards, you change cards until you get a strong hand.

I often ask myself, does my readers think I'm a stupid fool? Falling for the same mistake over and over again? Do you? Do you think that I'm not ready for love? Do you think that my life is a mistake? Do you think that I should stay single? I got a mentor that tells and gives me advices. And sometimes feel strongly about what she said, I wish I am as strong as her, inside out. I should have faith in myself, but sometimes, it's just so hard when you feel like a balloon bouncing in the big blue sky hoping for the wind to blow you the right way... It's weird huh? But anyway, enough ranting, my laptop batteries dying... so no time to spell check, until then...

Dry Spell

2009-07-18T00:47:00.002+08:00

This is what I call, a dry spell.

Nothing much to talk about in my blog. I can be the type of blogger who writes his diary moments into their blogs, telling people what they have done all day long. In fact if you trace back to the early moments of my blog, it was like that.

Somehow it changed, evolved into something convoluted, regarding my love life. There, my love life was there for all to read and see, and some judged me for who and what I am. Do I give a damn? Simple answer to a simple question. NO! I'm the kind of guy who speaks truthfully about my life, of course there are a lot of things I don't mention because there are personal to me, by which it is my right and privilege. I still remember someone pathetically accuse of of seeking sympathy. Well it's their opinion and I respect it as such. But if the accusation is to laced with ill intentions, well, I'd have to stand up for myself. This blog was intended to make me a journalist. Somewhere along the line, I thought to myself, I'd leave that to the professionals, and slowly it evolved to be my journal.

I'm enjoying my single life at the moment. Enjoying, in this sense, a bit sad. I guess, after one big mess up with my longest relationship, followed by five short (and failed) relationship in six months, I've grown accustomed to have someone by my side, someone to accompany me here and there, a shoulder to lean on, another brain to pick on. But now, it's just me and myself. Looking at the ceiling every night and waking up to the call of a radio alarm.

The truth to be told, I'm feeling low and depressed. I'm not depressed as much because of my failed relationships, but I just could not shake off the thoughts of why did my relationships failed. I've been chatting online with my ex, YKW and gave me a weird advice. "Get married!" It's weird hearing that coming from an ex. I don't know if that's a good advice or not. Settling down. That sends chills to my spine. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not against marriage at all. No. I guess, when the time comes, I'll find myself walking the aisle (as in to the bride's house - as all Malay weddings are). But really? Settling down? Is that the answer to my problems? My brother tend to compared me with that movie "The Bachelor" played by Chris O'Donnell in 1999. He had to get married on his 30th birthday under a short period of time to keep his grandfather's multi million inheritance. Every time, Jimmy (played by Chris) thought of commitment, he felt like a stallion being tied down.

I think I have no problems with commitment, but feel free to prove me wrong. But I do have the problem of finding that perfect match now. The one that, when you hold hands, that two hands connects in such a way, it fits. You know what I mean right? Of course all hands fits with each other (well, almost) but that connection, that weird mushy connection, it's more than just holding hands, it's more than just touch... I had that connection before and I blew it. I have this thinking, that most of the time, we don't end up with THE ONE. THE ONE is always the one that got away or the one you couldn't get. And somehow, everybody settles for THE OTHER ONE. I've seen many instances where two couples who have been together since college for an amount of years, and then, ended with marrying someone else. I know I sound pessimistic about love.

But I guess, I don't believe in love anymore. I guess, in a way, cupid have given up on me, cupid have ran out of arrows for me. I knew the moment when I was with my ex YKW, from the first date, the first touch, I knew, that was THE ONE. Will I get to experience that again? I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. So in view of my nearest future, this heart is closed. I've build a wall around it. I did, however, left a peek hole. I'll let my heart peek to see what's out there. But never will I'd be able to love the same way again. Sound sad huh? Well, I'm feeling low and depressed... What did you expect?

However, life shall go on. I shall concentrate my energy on other things besides love, such as friendships, work and building my house. I will be meeting a land owner tomorrow. I'm doing this on my own now, I've given up on my real estate manager. So I hope to get my house build at least a year from now.

Anyway, before I rant unnecessarily I shall leave you with.... Until then....

Sick and Tired

2009-07-16T02:24:00.002+08:00

I'm sick and tired of love.

I know I've said that before but not entirely. But this time, it's gone way over my head, it's like I've hit my head for the second time, only this time, it's a harder blow.

Love and ambivalence do not go hand in hand. As probably predicted by most of my readers and yes, you can laugh out loud now, I broke up with "T". No, nothing went wrong with the both of us, seriously. "T" did not do anything, I didn't do anything and it wasn't a mutual understanding, two days after the breakup, I know now, why I wanted to break it up with "T". "T" doesn't take no for an answer. "T" didn't even give me any space at all, miss calling every other hour, text messaging me. Geez, good god! Leave me alone already.

I already made myself clear that I wanted to be alone, but some people don't get the obvious instruction. I broke up with "T" by confessing that I have cheated, when in actual fact I didn't. Yes, I know that is sneaky, but I rather take the blame and be the bad guy, rather than telling the truth, sometimes, we can't say the truth, because the truth hurts and sometimes can get very personal. I know that I am a coward. Tell me what's new? But I rather be the cowardice bad guy. It's much easier like that, and now, "T" is being very very persistent, very insisting, basically, not taking it well.

I just want my time alone, no, no more dates for me, no more love for me, I'm fasting from love. This is where I draw the line. I know I've said this before, but this time, insya allah, it's for real, I don't mind having new friends, getting to know new people but no more lovey dovey stuff this time, and Karma, if you're listening.... "Piss off! Go Karma someone else!"

I'm tired, seriously, I am, I'm tired of the mind games, the emotional games, everything. I just want to have fun, by myself. And no, not in that kind of way either. But I just want to be free right now, no commitments, nothing, I don't own nobody and nobody owns me, I am not obliged to anybody and nobody is obliged to me. No strings attached. Nothing.

I've said all of this before, but then the lack of me got the better of me, and now, I feel stronger and surer of what I want to have in my life. I thank this to my best friend Billy, in a way, despite his personal turmoil, have helped me directly and indirectly. I feel much better after talking to him. Billy, thank you.

I've got not much to say, things are uneventful. Nothing worth mentioning. A quick Bon Voyage to my good friend, Sab, who's going away for a long long time to a very cold cold place. I'm gonna miss that guy. He's my first friend when I joined the Company. I shall join you soon... I'm out of things to say, so until then....

Where am I?

2009-07-13T21:46:00.003+08:00

I am in a big mess.

A mess made by myself and by my own doing. It's not a mess yet, and hopefully it won't be a mess at all, but everything is hanging on a balance.

I did a silly thing. I cheated. Sort of. Well, I have intentions to cheat. But I didn't physically cheat, but now the heart starts to split into two and going into one big bad mess. It's my own doing, and I haven't told "T" about it yet. But nevertheless, I'm thinking twice about "T". Stupid huh? I can imagine Karma laughing now, that I fell into her trap. Well, let me ask you this, does what categorize oneself as cheating? Does thought counts? Does what the heart feels counts? Does doing the deed counts? Where is the sneaky fine line lies?

I know this sounds bad, and potentially could get ugly. But it's something I have to think about. I know what I have with the other fling have no potential at all, but it makes me wonder if I should settle down with "T". This is bad, my big boo-boo... I wonder how am I going to clean up this mess that I made. It's just bad (of me). Silly naughty me! Shame on me... Everything in my head is convoluted and I don't know what to think. Thus this rampant and erratic post. I apologise... Until then...

So Far So Good

2009-07-09T01:10:00.002+08:00

And that's what it is right now, so far, so good.

Life, that is. Yesterday was T's Birthday and we celebrated it over a modest dinner, drove around the city (bandar) and since it was starting to rain, we went back home and we talked about personal stuffs. Among the personal topic that was discussed was our pseudo relationship that we are having.

Having said that I was not ready for a relationship was, maybe, prematurely decided, but never still a conscious decision on my half. So we agreed to be as good friends, with the possibility of taking it to another level. T is very cautious. No one wants to put their hearts on the plate for others to consume, so I guess, based by experience, I do understand where T is coming from. In fact, I also did ask if our friendship is an exclusive one, T said along the line "Pow! Pow! You're dead!" and there I was, dead. It is good that T has this cautious attitude towards engaging new relationships unlike me, always rushing into things generated by emotions.

But there was something shocking that I have learnt a few days ago, throwing off my ambivalent decision of being single to a turbulent one. I found out that E cheated on me while I was away offshore. I was mad pissed by this news. But according to trusted and informed sources, it was a pathetic and desperate attempt to cheat, which by my standards sad and pitiful. But nevertheless, E wanted to cheat. Why do I often get cheaters? This is the second time this had happened to me, while I was offshore. Is there no one decent, loyal and faithful left in this world anymore?

I tried not to write about it while my emotions were consumed by anger, thus, right now, it feels less guilty about starting a new relationship. Okay, this new relationship with T is friendship. A-not-so-exclusive-but-taking-slow friendship relationship. Before, I was reluctant to start this friendship relationship with T because of what I had said to E. But now, in a way, E deserves it! I know it's bad, and sounds like a vengeful thing to do. But serves E right for making a fool out of me.

Drama? Definitely. But I think and I am hopeful with the future. Of course we all ought to be hopeful every single day of our lives, otherwise we'll lose the meaning of living. I've got nothing much to say actually, perhaps only saying T and I (as in me, not a point of reference) are bonding quite well now. It's good. So far. Hopeful, a little, happy, definitely. Ambivalent, always. Until then...

Happy Birthday "T"

2009-07-07T09:58:00.003+08:00

Coincidentally today is "T's" birthday. So happy birthday! "T" told me last night that birthday was never much celebrated among "T" family. Birthdays were just treated as if it was any other day. Well, I'm thinking of something to celebrate it with "T" tonight, but based on my limited budget for this month, it's going to be a modest celebration.

To be continued... sorry for this... (I will immediately post a new one)

Bitchy Karma

2009-07-06T14:54:00.004+08:00

If Karma takes into a human form, Karma is this powerful beautiful and sexy lady, always a smirk on her face, and has the ability to make you eat your own words. This lady is that harsh bitch.

Karma is a real bitch. I started my weekend on a very low note, and might I add a very quiet one. Being sad for myself, I decided to go online and pathetically decided to find some company. Without dwelling too much on the process, in short, I got myself a date. On my drive to this particular date, I told myself, this is just a date, don't get yourself a relationship, no matter what, this is just a date, no love, don't make things complicated. I was as determined as ever. I was adamant. I was sure.

Then I saw my date for the first time, my heart skipped a beat. What a cute angel. I shook my head, and whisper to myself, no, no, no. We had our date and wish that it was going to be an awful one, but that didn't happen. It was very, very good. (I shall refer my date as "T"). "T" was the sweetest and kindest angel. There are many times that I recall when I was shaking my head, which "T" seems to get curious by the minute. Eventually, "T" asked me. Then the ex-files came out. "T" listens very tentatively and we discussed about past relationships. We were getting along. Too well! If I had a statistic about the perfect date or partner. "T" fulfills at least 90% of what I want. So since the ex-file came out, at least now, we are at a common understanding. Everyone has their own past baggages, skeletons in their closet, so to speak. And we didn't start a relationship. We're at least friends.

I do not want to love no one at the moment. I do not want to start a relationship. But damn, don't you just hate it this kind of things happening to you. I feel that Karma (the lady) is watching over me with an evil smirk on her face, and nagging and asking sarcastically to me "So? No love eh? Such a pity, a real sad pity." She's a real bitch, she is. She would be saying this in a real bitchy and sarcastic remark. As if to prove a point, to throw me off from my fixed frame of mind.

To be continued...

Run and Ache

2009-07-03T00:32:00.002+08:00

I feel guilty today. I woke up to an aching body, my thighs, my back, my big love handles and my shoulder all hurt. As a result, I didn't go to work, I took some paracetamol and slept it off, hopefully I could recover at least before midday and I can come to work half day.

I woke up at 3pm. My body still aches, but felt a little better, it was much easier to more around, the paracetamol definitely helped. I remembered a friend once suggested, after the first exercise the body will definitely ache but do not stop. Most people stop because of this ache, the reason for this is to re-programme the muscles. This ache is usually because of the body building new muscle tissues where it was once not required due to our daily activities. A significant change in the activities will cause the body to ache. Of course, everybody have their own handicaps. So please do consult a doctor.

That is why some people who exercise do take protein supplements so that the body could make new muscle cells with less ache, silly stupid me, with protein supplements which I have brought a few months ago, forget to take them after my run.

So today, I ran again. And I can feel a difference this time round. In fact, I does change the shape of my body a little bit. Very little, insignificant but an improvement. I lost a kilo even. Little effort big differences, but unfortunately, no pain, no gain. Something has got to give. I'm really pleased with the progress I am making. Wish me all the best with my path to fitness.

On a personal life, things are going very quiet, which is nice for a change, no more dramas or things to think about. No complications, nothing, so far, so good. But I bet something is always lurking over the corners for me... Until then...

The Beauty of Heart Break

2009-06-29T23:23:00.004+08:00

(Note: This clip will take a few minutes to load)

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return - Moulin Rouge

I'm a sucker for Moulin Rouge, tears seems to flow automatically when I watch this movie. To me it's got to be one of the most beautiful movie ever made and thus making it one of my favourite of all time. Call me sappy, but I guess, I relate to this movie when it comes to love.

This post is dedicated to my best friend. I know that I have loved 'the one'. And it ended pretty badly but if I had to do it again, I would. I wouldn't change one bit, except for my promiscuous behaviour before. If I had the chance to turn back time and do it again, I will definitely do a lot of things a lot better. But I'm not saying I regret what I have done before, it is just that, looking back, I know I could have done better. But I suppose certain things are meant to be. Or not meant to be. But then again, this post is not about me.

A friend who had build a emotional 'wall' around him collapse a few months ago, and now the love is pretty much going to end, due to personal circumstances which I will not dwell into in this post. He's going through more or less what I had experienced about six months ago. I feel sad about it. Because, it is not a great feeling to have and go through. Anyway, this clip is sort of a pick up for my dear friend. That, in the end, not everything is at lost. The greatest thing we'll ever learn is to love and loved in return.

My love with my ex, YKW, had compassion, love, care and kindness. At the height of our love, my feet never touched the ground. The ending was inevitable, but yet up till now, I do not regret everything that had happened. Because I had loved and got loved in return. I get to experience true love. Moving on isn't easy, some people seek love to fill in the void like I did which in the end is not the answer to everything. I need to seek love within myself first, is what I have recently discovered. Although obvious, I guess, emotions have their own ways of clouding the apparent.

So, to my best friend, stay strong. How ironic of me to say that, the least we could stay strong together... Until then...

Death

2009-06-27T04:40:00.000+08:00

THE KING OF POP is dead. Bla bla bla... If I am to drop dead right now, does anyone give a damn? Simple no is the answer... I admit I am a very cynical man.

Coincidentally, I was thinking about death recently when I was playing with my mobile phone, I was looking at the days of my birthday for the next twenty years, but my fingers went on and on until the last available date on my phone which is 31st December 2069, and I thought to myself, good god, I should be dead by then...

2069, I would be 91 years old... very very scary. If I am not dead at that point in time, I would be suffering from severe dementia and be wearing diapers. Hopefully, I'll still look good, LOL. But I'm pretty much sure, I'll be dead by then. And if I had a choice to live forever, I'll pass on that offer. Living is hard. And resting in peace sounds like a pretty much a good idea.

As a muslim, of course, death should not be taken lightly. There are a lot of prerequisites before death, and I must admit, I'm pretty thin on those prerequisites. Death is always a morbid topic. It's just depressing, so that is why the death of someone is always about the celebration of their life. That's us, being in denial, thinking death can happen to anyone anytime except us. But in a way, it is beneficial to remember someone for their contributions towards each other. Say if I am to die now, I'd like to be remember as that silly man with a mole on his face that talks rubbish all the time, and funny, sometimes. I'd be okay with that. And I would love people to remember how much I suck at living my life and how ambivalent I am. And I would appreciate if people who have known me, to not be me and learn from my idiotic mistakes. I am the king of fools. Yes.

I'm not so much proud of myself, I haven't been contributing much to others, let alone to the people I love. And if I die now, I'm very confident, I'm not going to heaven. In another aspect, all I'm saying is I'm not ready to die yet. I have a lot of things going on for me (and things need doing). But well, it's not up to me, is it? Ces't la vie. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Depressing, isn't it? Should I stop? I think I should. So anyway, enjoy life is all I have to say, unlimited enjoyment I would urge. Sometimes the best thing to do, is to know you've fallen flat on your face first. Don't listen to me... I'm an idiot. Until then...

Insomnia?

2009-06-26T04:56:00.004+08:00

It is about to show 5a.m. and I can't sleep.

I have been going online to play games on Facebook, watched T.V. and back again managing my restaurant on Facebook again. It's silly, but it does give me some sort of idea of how to run a restaurant. Well, almost.

I watch two documentaries and one drama T.V. series. One about Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey and another about demolishing buildings by dynamite called Detonators. As you can see, I'm dead bored. But what interests me was when watching one of my favourite drama series, which is Brothers and Sisters. The story revolves around a mother who is a widower with her five children, three boys and two girls. Her brother happens to be going out with his late husband's mistress. This somewhat dysfunctional family is more or less like mine, great but a little out of the normality. And I guess, every family have their own dysfunction(s) or better described as quirkiness. Every family is different in their own ways. Even a perfect family have their own disorders.

My family can be best described as the 'trailer trash' family. The one making so much noise, obnoxious, troubled, disorderly and truly dysfunctional. And I say all of that, with love and kindness. And that is the main reason why I love them. With all these traits, it gives my family a character of some sort. Yeah, some might look at it as a negative traits but then again, I could ask myself, would I want a perfect family? All good inside out, so perfect like the Joneses? Hmm, I'm not sure... Even so, there will always be the black sheep in the family.

The black sheep of my family has got to be my younger sister. It used to be my eldest brother, but I guess, age, life and experiences had nurtured and matured him. Why would I say my sister is the black sheep of the family, purely because of her stubbornness. She's a rebel in the family, from start of puberty through her failed marriage. I had given up on her a long time ago, and the whole family gave up not long after. Her marriage left her a daughter, who I see now is the victim of her actions. Now, before, everyone raise an eyebrow about why I am talking about my sister like this, please don't get me wrong and mistaken, I love her, and I write about this, not in hate or anger, in fact perhaps she'll read this and maybe realise her mistake, perhaps my readers would relate with this, but I'm all hopeful with positive outcome would come about from these post. And even though I've given up on her long ago and for good, I still do dearly love her. She's got a lot running for her, she's got a bright future ahead of her, the only thing is she just living in the present and not giving any damn about what her actions could lead to. I still love her. But there are things that you just could not take control of.

And as for me, I am definitely the Joker of the family. Well, I think since I kept my distance away from my family, I guess, I've lost that seat. Maybe at the moment, my youngest sister took that throne. Each of my siblings are unique in their own way, and each of them run their lives in their own way. And that's the way things are meant to be. And as for me, I see myself now, with regards to my family, as also the black sheep, but more onto the grey area, I suppose. I'm different from the rest of them, is that good or is that bad? Neither. I'm just different.

Life have brought and taught me so many different things, that, to me family isn't much of a priority. Yeah, sure, I lack family values in that sense, but each to their own. I guess, if you were brought up the way I am, perhaps, you'd understand. But I guess, no one does...

But to me, my family and I are much better now that it has ever been. Being distant helps my sanity. And to me, the greatest learnings of all with regards to my family, is to not care. To care for someone is easy but to not care... when you do, is very difficult. Heartbreaking difficult... But certain things have to be endured.

See, what insomnia can do to you... Meaningless ranting. That's what... So anyway, yeah... live really does go on, don't you think? Until then...

What's Love Got To Do With It?

2009-06-25T03:04:00.004+08:00

I had a talk with a friend, well, it wasn't so much of verbal talking, but it was a chat in MSN. She was trying to convince me to give "E" a try again or at least trying to convince me that all is not at loss...

Before I tell you what had happened or what was said, is that, I have been hiding something from you i.e. my readers. But in fact, I didn't realize this until just very recently. I have realized that I am looking for love for all the wrong reason, for all of this time. Let me confess to you about something... And in a way, I'm letting this out of my chest once and for all. I have been writing about relationships and love and what-not all of these while. But I have been experiencing love and indirectly looking for relationships and love for all the wrong reason.

Okay, brace yourself. I started to look (directly and indirectly) for love because I felt that I should find love first after my break up with my ex, YKW. That's because I had a huge void of insecurity or emptiness inside me and I thought that by having a relationship first, that, will soften the blow for myself once my ex started a new relationship, but then, it failed, over and over again, flat on my face. And now, of course as people do move on with their lives, they indeed fall in love again, and so, my ex did start a new relationship. And I was still looking for love, just because I didn't want to feel left out. It nearly felt like a competition. Although in reality I was just competing with my insecurities.

The honest truth, and as painful it is for me to admit, I'm not over my ex. My ex had become that half of myself that I find myself half empty and now, I'm looking for love to fill that emptiness inside. But no. That's wrong. My friend also told me that we're all made in halves thus other people make us complete. I couldn't disagree more. No. We're not made in halves, and we don't need others to make us feel complete. No. No. No. We are complete. A complete unit. And we don't need others to make us feel good about ourselves or to feel love. We need to love ourselves first, before loving others (a bit like that safety bit they told you in case oxygen is needed in the aircraft cabin, "secure your own mask first, before helping others.. LOL)

I just remembered a quote by Savage Garden - Affirmation, "I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone". And those words rings true.

I forgot. I forgot what it feels like to be by myself, alone, tough and strong, inside out. That's why I feel like I have been limping all these time, because my ex was my emotional crutch. I depended too much on my ex. I gave everything to my ex, thus the emotional handicap. From a full unit of me, I've halved myself. So, I thought to myself, it is true, I'm looking for love for all the wrong reasons. All the wrong reasons. I was subconsciously looking for that crutch again. I need to stand on my own again. Complete and strong. A complete unit. I need to start loving myself again. I am not done grieving for the love I lost. I need an emotional makeover.

Worst of all, the outcome of my emotional handicap, was that, it is totally and utterly unfair for the other person. To make them fill in that void, that emptiness. Wanting them so much to be that crutch and when expectations couldn't be met, emotions flared and disappointment follows close behind. I am content now, well almost. I'm still unsure about my strength of how much I can stand on my own. But as they say, practice makes perfect. I've got to learn to be heartless. Not in the negative sense, but more of numbing myself from love. Build a wall as one friend used to say. An emotional wall. So as the title goes, "What's love got to do with it?" The answer to that is anything but me. Spot on. As love is concerned, I need to love myself more, each day, everyday. Grieve or cry if I have to, but I need to stand strong, by myself.

I write this post in a joyful manner, and I hope when you read this, it doesn't sound depressing and lonely or sad. This is me, trying to encourage every atom of my being to be independent and free. This is a good thing. I will know when the time comes for a new true love to arrive. But for now, I shall mourn and grief as much as I can, stand up and accept new adventures that lies before me. This is truly a time to celebrate.

Oh yeah, I would like to thank, my friend which I mention in the first paragraph for making me realize it more, when she tried to convince me more. I suppose, sometimes, emptiness is a good thing... Until then...

Reality Awaits...

2009-06-24T01:25:00.002+08:00

After a week long (well, it a little more than a week) of my disappearance, I am back to home.

I arrived yesterday about 7p.m. greeted by my youngest sister. I usually have a summary for every Bangkok trip, as each trip is always different from the last trip. So if I could summarise this trip, I would call it an Angelic Trip.

Okay, what is so angelic about this trip, so brace yourself on this one, those who knows me wouldn't believe it. This trip, I didn't go to pubs, clubs or any naughty places. I was a perfect angel. Utter angel and such a good boy. No, not because I am going with my brother and his wife, but because, I wanted it to be different. And perhaps, just checking if I am tough and adamant by controlling my lust and other things (LOL, of course, let's not dwell there) LOL...

But there were plenty of times when the devil inside leaps and try to make bad bad things to happen, but I guess, the angel in me is still strong. So anyway, I did a little sight seeing with my brother and his wife, amongst them are going on a river cruise at Chao Phraya River, shopping on a boat at Damnoen Saduak Floating market (about an 90 minutes drive from Bangkok, in Ratchaburi), visit on the River Kwai Bridge and which had a famous background history and movie based during the Second World War, my brother went to see and took pictures of the bridge, but his wife and I were too busy looking for jewelry, thus I did not take any pictures), click here and here for more info of the bridge and lastly but not the least, we went to the Tiger Temple which we had the chance to come up close and personal with the beast. It was such a fantastic place to go, a little hot, but worth every penny of it. It was an experience. I will try to upload some of the pictures here, but I will post most of them in my facebook, feel free to browse them there. There were quite a few fantastic shots.

Unfortunately, we didn't have the chance to go to Koh Samed as planned before the trip. The reasoning behind it, was because we were out of cash, well, not really. My brother and his wife had plans to spend their money on a little shopping, thus, at that point in time, I guess, shopping wins versus relaxing by the beach. But nevertheless it was a good trip. For me. It's all good. Again, I proud of myself, that I am able to abstain, despite many many chances of cheating and loosing myself in the fantasy.

I've got plenty of things to say actually, but there's so much going on in my head. It is like ideas seems to pushing around trying to expel themselves on my blog via my typing fingers. But there is one announcement that I would like to make. I'm single again. Hang on... Don't get out of your seat just yet. Nothing in my relationship with "E" went wrong. If any blame should be made, it would be mine. The break up was more of a mutual understanding between the both of us, and in a way, the both of us knew it was coming. When I came back last night, I met up with "E" and explained. It was easy to talk with "E". Like I've said in my previous post, "E" has the most wonderful and perfect soul. Despite the break up, we've agreed to be just as friends, which is good enough for me. Everything is fine and dandy. Things are going well.

I don't know what else to say, there's so many things, but I guess, all in good time. Until then...

Change of Title and a Celebration

2009-06-14T03:04:00.005+08:00

It is three in the morning, and I just got home.

I've change the blog title. I think I'm no longer a journalist wannabe. I am a journalist, a journalist of my own life. It is what it is, just a journal of me. Kellaz.

I came back from Taurean The Arch, celebrated my brother's belated birthday. It was nice to see him blush, as he didn't expected it. His birthday was last week when I was offshore. So I gathered my siblings around and surprised him with a cake. It was good, and fun, the table around us were also singing Happy Birthday as well and ended it with a loud applause. June is a month like no other, six of my family members celebrate their birthday in this month.

Every fortnight at the weekends, I treat my siblings dinner. My brother told me that there are times when my siblings felt uncomfortable that I am always paying for dinner. The truth is, I don't mind paying dinner at all, no matter what the cost is. Because there are certain things in life that money just can't buy. Tonight is quite warm, combined with our continuous laughter, we ended the night in sweat and tears of laughter. The reason why I do this, is because, when siblings grow up, build their own family, in most cases, due to their busy lifestyles, we grow apart. The least with this gathering every now and again, we could sustain a good sibling relationship in the long run.

But nothing lasts forever, right? I'm trying to live life as it is. I kept on repeating to myself, I must, I must, I must try. The least, this temporary laughter and happiness keeps my empty heart company for a while. Just recently, I chatted in MSN with Babe, a friend and a reader. She knows how I feel, which made me feel a little better, knowing that I am not alone with this emptiness inside. Some people tell us to just move on. But it's easier said than done. No one wants to live with this emptiness inside them. No one. But there are times when there's nothing that could fill that void. And we bear this pain alone.

Friends and family are the few things that keeps me going for now. Other than that, I don't have much going on for me. I try to keep myself busy with a tight schedule of hangouts with friends and family. Just today, I had lunch with my friends from pre-uni college, whom I shared lives with for two years in the college hostel. It was a good gathering. I also hope this would continue.

Starting tomorrow, I might not be able to update my blog as often. I will be in Bangkok for a few days. I'm accompanying my brother and his wife to Bangkok. This trip reminds me of the past. I wish I could forget the past. The more I am reminded by the past, the emptier it feels inside and the pain grows and it feels like a stake struck right through the heart. Nothing lasts right? I always remind myself that. A little pessimism is required. I'm adapting to be a realist.

I haven't started packing yet. I normally travel minimal. I buy almost everything when I am abroad, except for toiletries, of course. My brother, his wife and I might probably go to the island outside Bangkok. I might need it. I need a break from my life. I need a new life. Because this life I'm living truly sucks. Sometimes, I wish I could wake up one day, with no recollection of my life for the last three years. I would wake up tough, strong and free, the man I was. It is not that I want to forget because it is full of heartache, but it's the other way round. The life I lead for the last few years were so wonderful, thus I would love to forget it. When I remember them, I break down. Ironic, isn't it?

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Until then...

Tak Ada Yang Abadi (Nothing that is Forever)

2009-06-13T00:28:00.004+08:00

You may have realised that I've changed my imeem song on this blog. It's from the latest track by PeterPan (An indonesian band) with the title "Tak Ada Yang Abadi" (Translation: Nothing that is Forever; better translated as Nothing lasts Forever).

I downloaded this song from a CD album that ironically "E" left in my car system. I am not usually the kind of guy who listens to malay songs, not that I have anything against them, it's just not the norm for me. But when I do, I only play songs that I am familiar with, and skip the rest. When I was offshore, I downloaded the album in my iPod and set the iPod on shuffle and just listen to whatever the iPod decided to play. That is when I heard this song for the first time.

This will make me sound like a sissy, but I cried my eyes out, listening to this track. I cried because this song speaks the honest truth that people including myself won't admit to. It speaks the truth. No matter what. Yeah, it is true that some might find it a pessimistic. But it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Nothing in life lasts. Nothing lasts forever. I felt the song. I felt and I know what it was all about. I makes me look back at my life, and the things that have ended, mostly my failed relationships. The people I love. My relationship with my family. And many things I haven't reconciled with or even won't be able to reconcile. I wish I can tell you the truth about what goes wrong with my heart. I don't even know what can fix my broken heart. It's sad and depressing, but I am hopeful. Or at least, I like to think that I am.

Tak kan selamanya tangan ku mendekap mu

It won't be forever this hands could hold you in my arms

Tak kan selamanya raga ini menjaga mu

It won't be forever this heart could care for you

Seperti alunan detap jatung ku

Just like heartbeat of my heart

Tak bertahan menahan waktu

It won't stand in the hands of time

Dan semua keindahan yang memudar

And all of beauty that fades

Atau cinta yang t'lah hilang

Or the love that is lost

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Oh... Biarkan aku bernafas sejenak

Oh... Please let me breath for a while

Sebelum hilang...

Before it's gone..

Tak kan selamanya tangan ku mendekap mu

It won't be forever this hands could hold you in my arms

Tak kan selamanya raga ini menjaga mu

It won't be forever this heart could care for you

Jiwa yang lama segera pergi

Old hearts gone out quickly

Bersiaplah para pengganti oh..

Be ready for replacements oh...

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Tak Ada Yang Abadi

Nothing lasts Forever

Sure after I've translated this song, it does sound hopeless and it makes you feel alone. But that's the truth behind it. We are alone. In the end. And in the end, there's just us. You. Me. By ourselves. People leave us. People change. People abandoned us. People just leave. In the end. So nothing, nothing lasts. I want to believe this song. But believing the truth is painful. And I know I must accept the inevitable. I will be alone. In the end.

But all of us, must live. Live a life to the fullest and make full use of it. Enjoy it. But in the end, is it all worth it? The answer's relative. You might say from one spectrum to the other... in a split second depending what situation you are in. But we all try. We try. I try. We must try. We hope. I hope. I try to hope for the better. I must. It's all about the journey right? But what if that we know what is in store for us at the end of the journey? Does that make the journey worth it?

A year ago, I was a happy man for two years. Towards the end, I fell badly. I try to get up, only to get knocked down by others, and by myself. And now. I feel lonely. I feel abandoned. I know I have you (i.e. my readers) but this heart... it's just a very painful place. Very painful. And lonely and hollow. Before all of this happened, I was a man of freedom. Enjoying a carefree life. I stood by my own feet. I was strong. I was tough. Then I let someone into my heart. The like this song goes, nothing lasts forever. The truth is, I want to let someone back in my heart. But I am afraid. I want to be as strong and tough as I was. I need to be. And this song reminds me, it gives me the strength. I need to accept the truth. People will always leave me. In the end. Always. As always.

Pessimistic post. I agree. Depressing. I agree as well. Nevertheless of the truth. Until then. Stand tall. Stand strong. I try.

Reconciliation/Reconsideration

2009-06-10T20:41:00.006+08:00

I have been approached via comments and MSN chats, to reconsider with regards to ending my blog.

Babe, an avid reader said "Your blog is where I get a little drama in my life". "N", a cyber reader/mentor said "Please reconsider". And YKW said "It's not me".

I guess, if there is anything I owe in this blog, is that I owe my readers an explanation to why I have decided to end this blog. In contrary to most beliefs, that I am going through something, that makes me wanting to end it. True is some aspect, but just the main reason. Besides having a writer's block and lacking of things to say, I thought it was time to let go. Somehow, this blog have been my security blanket for more than a year now, it is my personal confidant and my sounding board. But at the same time, I feel, I'm not growing, mentally and emotionally because of it. How come, you may ask? Well, I don't know, but I just don't feel it's teaching myself anything significant in life. A little more about that.

I promised myself, that I don't want to write something about my relationship again in my blog. But I guess, when you read that, you know that I will anyway. The same thing when I said, that I would not get myself into a relationship again. And look where I am. My relationship with "E", well that's another story. It's going south. And it's 100% my fault. I am committed, yes, I am faithful, yes, I am loyal, yes, I am ready, yes, I am happy, yes. "E", on the other hand, is loving, loyal, kind, gentle, wonderful. Practically, I got myself a beautiful angel. 100% perfect for a guy like me. If perfect exist, that's "E". Just perfect. So what is wrong then?

See, I spent a week offshore, and now "E" have gone to KL on a family trip, the thing is, all these time we spent time apart, I don't miss "E" at all. At all. Nothing. I love "E" but I find myself not in love with "E". Some say, to give it some time. True. But what if that 'time' never comes. I don't want to hurt "E" because "E" deserves everything and anything in this world. But I feel it's just not me that "E" should be with. I feel that I can't provide "E" with love. I find myself being with "E" without any passion at all. And at most time, I feel "E" is more of a friend than anything else. I am disgusted with myself. I find myself truly appalling. I truly truly hate myself.

"N" told me something obvious and true to it's core and it was almost the slap on my face that made me realise something. She said along the line of, I have something that I am hiding and that makes me not ready for any serious relationship. That is true. I am hiding something, which I can't even tell to my blog. I'm hiding this hurt and pain deep in my heart that I just can't even begin to explain, because it's just too damn painful. Painful to even speak of. "N" told me my heart is at a turmoil. For a reader, she can read me very well. I'm not moving on with my life. She is right. I haven't made any reconciliation with my past.

I have no pin-point reason to end this blog. It's practically a big bad mess. If there is a point to ending it, it's all over this blog. I'm not teasing my readers by telling that I will end this blog. But after much re-consideration, I've decided not to. Why? Why, the change of mind? Because just when I was more than determined to end it. It created a dialogue between me and my readers. And that opens up my mind. Like "N", without her knowing, she challenged my beliefs and thoughts. Even though, she never intended to do that. I kept quiet while I was chatting with her. This blog created a dialogue. So this blog in another way, does make me grow, or at least made me realise something that I have been oblivious to.

I admit, at one point, I look at my blog, and took it for granted. And if this blog is a person, I sincerely do apologise to him or her. I admit that I have pointed failure to no one but myself. I have many things to fix. My life is a big mess. And I have no clue how or where to start with. If you ask me how do I feel right now. My heart feels just like a dead carcass at the side of the road, and every now and again, a car would just ran over it, as it slowly decays. It's depressing, I know. But that's how I feel. Neglected and dead.

I truly apologise to you, my readers, for almost letting you down by ending this blog. I truly apologise, and in truth, my "last post" is still there as a draft. I don't know what I am going to do with it. I guess, I need some time to figure out. There are just too many things to figure out. I am a complete, utter mess. Again, please accept my heartfelt apology to you, my readers.

I've ran out of things to say. Until then.

This Could Be It

2009-06-09T12:48:00.001+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates.

I have been thinking a lot. I am thinking of ending this blog. So this could be the last post.

I've got nothing much to say. Until then. Ciao.

Ocean Calling

2009-06-03T12:20:00.003+08:00

I'm offshore now. Things are not really going so well. There have been some kind of conflict going on, and I'm going to have to solve this somehow. The conflict involves my colleague who is here at the moment, I was hoping that he would be around somehow, I still need to brainwash my colleague, it seems that there are some indications that he is not capable of doing the task at hand.

...logged off...

I logged off because as usual, the internet connection offshore sucks. I am trying my best to figure out what can I do to make things go well here. Hopefully I could restore things the way they were. Enough about work. On personal note, I feel quite lonely here, well, I'm not alone that's for sure, but somehow this place, feels foreign to me. Everybody treated me like they used to, as if nothing had changed, some asked why I had returned and such, and I explained that I am relieving my colleague who is taking leave at the moment. But I feel lonely somehow.

Let me tell you the truth, I've been feeling lonely for sometime now, yeah, I know I'm with "E" and things couldn't get any better, it's going very well, but I feel empty inside. And I don't know why. It is silly really. I don't know what else to say. Until then, take care, Ciao...

A Long Holiday

2009-06-01T23:44:00.000+08:00

Brunei is having an extended holiday, because of the Royal Brunei Armed Forces Anniversary which falls on every 31st May and coincidentally falling on the weekend, thus an extended weekend. Most people take this chance to go abroad or enjoying an extended family time together.

However it is not the same as what's going on with me. Despite the long weekend, I will be going offshore to relief my colleague. It will be quite difficult this time round because it has been a while since I last went offshore, but I take this opportunity, to do some work.

(logged off) - written on Sunday (31st May 2009)

Again, without fail, I logged off, because I got distracted with other things, and here I am still onshore. There are a reason for this. Last night I left bandar to sleep over at my "brother's" place in KB. Before that I was running a few errands and buying some stuff to bring offshore. I had dinner with "E" and then went back home because I forgot to bring my toe-covered-slippers/flip-flops. My nephew who is 9, asked me about the vanilla ice cream that I promised him. He asked for it, and I told him, I'll do that when I come back offshore. He doesn't understand me, because he thought that I will be working at night, he asked when will I come back. I thought about it again, and it would be unfair to make a kid wait for one whole week for an ice cream. So I brought him to the nearest fast food and bought 5 ice cream sundaes (one for me, of course) and brought him back home.

I finally made my way to KB, with a quick pit stop at my parents, because I have been hanging on to this exfoliating sponge for my sister for two weeks. And every time we met, I always forget to hand it over to her. So I have decided to ensure that this two exfoliating sponge got delivered. My quick pit stop turned into an hour and a half visit to my parents. I enjoyed talking to my mum and dad, and I thought that I should visit them often. But somehow, being in that house feels painful. It screams heartache. So I excuse myself about half an hour to midnight because I don't want my 'brother' to stay up late. There was a road block, on my way to his home, I got asked by the police what I was doing that late. I told them the truth. And continued my way. My 'brother' and I stayed up late talking and catching up with work and life stories. We retired at 2 am.

My flight was 5.45 am. I woke up at 5.45 am. As you can probably presume, I was late. I showered and got ready, and I missed my flight, so I booked myself in the afternoon flight. I was told it was 5 pm flight, and by procedure, I was to check in 30 minutes before flight. I came 40 minutes early. But the gate was closed. They say I was late! NO!!! They were early! They said that the chopper is coming already to pick passengers up. And there is no way for me to check in.

So I will get an earful from my bosses tomorrow. Well, on my defense, I did what was necessary, but I was ill informed about my flight that afternoon, if I had to be blamed, I shouldn't be late on my first flight. So I admit it was my mistake. I thought I could sleep late and wake up early because I slept all day long on Sunday. There was a water cut at home, so I couldn't shower, so all I did was sleep the whole day. Water supply resume early evening on Sunday...

So anyway, here I am still, at my "brother's" place in KB. Thinking what am I going to do tomorrow... Oh well... Shit happens, right? Until then, take good care of yourself, don't be late for any flights and Ciao!

Declined

2009-05-27T15:07:00.002+08:00

Tonight will be a long night. I promised my brother to watch the Champions League Finals between his favourite football team, Manchester United against Barcelona. I support Arsenal who only made it to the semi. And it was Man U who kicked Arsenal out of the finals. So if I had any reason to watch tonight's game, it's to see Man U lose. Sorry Man U fans.

So I was hoping to take leave off work tomorrow, but before I even had the intentions to fill in the form, my colleague told me that their offshore trip was cancelled and instead they will have a video conference meeting instead. And specifically they wanted to discuss about the project I am handling. And I have to be there at HQ by 9 a.m. Which sucks!

...logged off...

It seems that I can't even commit my time to write up my blog... something's always bound to happen. As per previous paragraphs, MU lost, a smile crept of my very very tired face when Barca scored the first goal. I did went out with my brother. I didn't stay for the second half. But there was a story behind that... That afternoon, my brother texted me because he wanted to wear his Arsenal shirt which he borrowed to me, to play football with his friends. Unforturnately, his Arsenal shirt was still at the laundry shop. So I specifically told him to take his Arsenal shirt only from the laundrette. But instead he picked everything up. I specifically told him to pick his shirt only, because I have no place to put my clothes (I did send a lot of clothes to the laundrette a few weeks ago... A LOT!). When Aiedee and I arrived home, there it was. On my bed. Everything.

Aiedee and I went out that night and we didn't return home because we might as well stay late until the first half of the game. When we returned home that night, feeling very tired, very sleepy with a humongus migraine. I had to find a place to sort my clothes. After almost half hour, it was done. And I was left with only one shirt to hang. As soon as I hang that in the cupboard. Crack! Boom! Everything that was hung in my closet fell.. The load was too much for my skimpy pole in the closet... I had to re-arrange everything... and by this time, it was almost more than an hour after we arrived. I finally went to sleep at 5a.m. And it is no surprise that I didn't go to work that day, I woke up late. Not 8a.m late, not 9a.m. late, not 12 midday late, but 2p.m late. I woke up with Aiedee stuffling his giggle... "Tak keje ke hari ni?" (translation: "Not working today?"... I just looked at the alarm clock and turned the other way as he laughed out loud.

Aiedee went back to KL that evening, it was a little sad to see him go, and perhaps this will be his last visit to Brunei as my Material Coordinator (I hope to see him when he visit). But I'm sure that we will still be good friends from time to time. But now, today is my last day in the office for more than a week. Next week, offshore. For the whole week. So perhaps, you'd see me updating my blog more often then. So until then, I've got to go... It's Friday and it's prayer time... Until then, take care and Ciao!

Precious

2009-05-27T00:29:00.003+08:00

What is so precious? Life. Indeed.

And to think of that I once nearly took my own life, what an idiot eh? As I walked up the stairs to my brother's flat, thought about my life and how much life I've lived. And has it been a long arduous one. Pretty tiring, I must admit, but as the saying goes "Life goes on".

I don't know why I've started writing about Life. It just occurred to me all of a sudden thinking I've lived my 31 years and asked myself, what much did I achieve? I don't think I've achieved much though, perhaps I'm the only amongst my siblings who are achieved academically and that's about it really.

It got me remembering that this afternoon, I chatted with a frequent (I assume) reader of this blog, she was saying along the line that I've loved and have still lots of love to give and encouraged me to keep on loving. Which is generally a good advice to get and thus I shall try to keep on loving without hurting others in the process of course.

Things with "E" is going well. Since the presence of Aiedee, we've been cutting down our meetings to phone calls and text messages. It is not that I don't want to introduce him to my new love, it's just I don't think it appropriate, why? I have no clue what-so-ever. Oh, I've jinxed myself today. I've been saying to others and myself that there I times when I wish I can still work offshore. And guess what? Just when I arrived in the office and finally parked my car, my offshore CSR (Company Site Representative) called me up asking if I could relieve him next week. Darn it, sometimes, the saying "be careful what you wish for" does reign true.

So I will be offshore next week for a week. And all my plans are out of the window. I was planning to take a few days leave because I planned to finally decide and move to the new place that I surveyed a few days ago with Aiedee, but now, things are a little bit jumbled up. So I told the landlord today by text that I won't be staying until July. Why July? Well, a week offshore, then a week onshore, then it'll be my Bangkok trip some time during the school holidays. So effectively, I'll still be paying for the whole month when I am just staying there for only a couple of weeks. So what is the point of renting that month? I might as well move in July. But then again, I also told the landlord not to hold it off for me and if someone wanted to rent out the place in June, I will be okay with that. I'm leaving it to fate to decide if I should move out or not. That's my cope out answer to things I don't know. I let fate decide.

So anyway, things are picking up full speed at work, and I've got plenty on my plate, easy things to handle but very tedious work, following up here and there, ensuring that all plans are all go and green. I might take some days off this couple of days. Just to give myself a little bit of rest before I go offshore. I think that there will be much more advantages for me going offshore at this point in time, the least is that I know how to plan my offshore scope for the next ongoing week and the week after, most importantly knowing in hand and by evidence any problems regarding work. Hey why am I on about work eh?

Actually I have something in mind to write about, but now I've forgotten them. Oh yes, now I remember, now that I have "E" in my life, I think I am traumatised by the even when I was offshore and "Z" (an ex) fooled around during my absence. And I am trying hard not to make comparison between them both. But I can't help wonder, if I got the same kind of mouse while the cat is away. Trust between me and "E" had decrease significantly after we had our big argument recently. It is just that, secretly I have big hopes for this relationship, but I am afraid to put down my heart on my sleeve ever again. I don't want to get hurt again. Well, no one does. But how do I know if I am not making the same mistake again? How do I know that I'm not being stupid again?

I guess, I will let fate do it's job and accept the things that I can't change. But even so, I'll always have this 'itch' of wonderment of what ifs... Oh well, I guess, I have to learn to accept nevertheless. Okay, it's midnight and it's bed time, Aiedee is already gone to dreamland, so I guess I should too. Until then, take care and Ciao and thanks for listening or reading that is :)

A Late Hangout on a Weekday

2009-05-25T23:20:00.003+08:00

Quick post, using my mobile, to add a little flavour to my blog... And what perfect way to end the night with a ridiculously sinful mud cake with ice cream...

Fire And Water

2009-05-24T00:05:00.004+08:00

I do apologise for the lack in updates, in actual fact this is the third post that I wrote.

The last two post didn't get publish because I was in a situation where I have to wait for things to settle down before I got it publish. I had a big argument with "E" recently. And I thought that was the end.

But one thing that happened in my raging anger, "E" managed to calm me down. And honestly it takes a lot to calm me down, my ex-es would second that. "E" just kept calm and explained everything to me. In the end, my anger succumb, swallowed my pride but gave a stern warning to not let it happen again... And to make me do that, takes a lot, believe me, I am a very stubborn man, very stubborn. And I do appreciate the way "E" handles things. But we're alright now. It's good. Better even.

So anyway, my latest concerns about things is nothing but my weight. It is increasing exponentially. (... logged off... )

After writing this post yesterday, I lost interest so I logged off. Like I told Satire, I ran out of my vocabulary and just abandoned it for a while. There are times when I find myself not in the writing mood. Unlike now, my brain is buzzing. It is now Monday morning and I'm like everyone else dragging themselves out of bed and into work. However work seems to wait for no man, I've received at least 10 work emails which still remains unopened in my inbox. I'll attend to that once I finished this...

Oh, I forgot to mention something, despite of saying that I am 'broke'. I bought a new phone. Okay, I know when I bought the HTC Touch Pro, I did mention that will be the last phone as I love it so much. In fact, I still do, but the lag, the lag was unbearable. The waiting, the crashing. And the endless need to reboot it every now and again, is just frustrating. Don't get me wrong, the HTC is a fantastic device, but Windows Mobile, in short, SUCKS! I am hating Windows Mobile 6.1 as much as I hate Vista. It is just too slow for me. I'm back to Symbian OS, which is easier, simpler and faster. I guess sometimes the simple answers are the answers to most questions.

Since I am a lover of Sony Ericsson, I bought the 8MP Camera phone, SE C905, and with this phone I can blog unlike Windows Mobile which can be quite difficult to post pictures, so perhaps there will be random pictures posted in this blog, the least. I know that my blog have been quite boring because all you see is text, text, text here and there and it is looking quite plain I must admit, the reason for this is because I post my pictures into my facebook than anywhere else (you'd have to add me to see those pictures). There's another reason why I have decided to buy this phone, this is so that I don't have to carry my bulky SLR camera tagging on my neck or in my bag when I go out on a holiday. At least with this phone/cybershot camera, I can just pop it into my pocket.

My next holiday is just around the corner. And I have a bittersweet feeling about going, knowing that the flu is going around and my financial status which is not really at a healthy condition at the moment. But I am excited to go nevertheless, I am thinking of something to fill my time, and this trip will be a different one, because I am sort of going alone. Of course, my brother and his wife will be there as well, but I would be probably left to my own devices most of the time. It would be a blessing if I am single but at the moment, I am committed to a relationship. Staying faithful and loyal can be quite challenging for some people.

I am still hunting for room/house to rent, and today I've made a couple of appointments, but I am not hopeful about it. Last friday, me and my buddy, Aiedee went to see an apartment that was a little expensive but I just thought I'd have a look at it. It was a nice private nook, one room and toilet, very nice, it is just that the room wasn't a room really. It is a living room made up into two apartments and the walls are plywood. The construction of the apartment are solid, but I hardly think that the rooms are sound proof. Okay before you think of naughty thoughts, which most of my friends did, I am the kind of guy who blares his music out loud, not that I have any 'weird' sounds coming from my room at night. And vice versa could happen to my neighbour, he or she could be a noise maker at night, so how am I going to get some peaceful sleep? In short there's no privacy in that apartment, thus I have turned down the offer.

In actual fact, I have been contemplating whether I should or should not rent. I am living comfortably with my brother, and my brother have been nothing else but accomodating and he enjoys my company. But I do find myself asking, do I want or do I need a place of my own. I find myself bouncing from one end to another. I do, I don't, I do, I don't... But I guess, it would be much better if I could have a place of my own. But I guess, I don't need to rush.

To tell you the truth, I have no clue what I have just written. They're all jibberish to me, I suppose that there's nothing significant that have been happening to me. The weekend just ended without anything significance. The only thing that is worrying me is my weight as per the fourth paragraph of this post. I am trying to fit in a fitness regime into my hectic life. I must find a gym soon, hopefully it is somewhere close to where I live, or will be living... right? I don't know, I'm quite messed up. So leave me a comment or two, I would appreciate your thoughts. Until then, I guess I better shut up now than writing useless rant in this post... Take care and Ciao!