Monday, 11 August 2014

Random Rant, Update?

I don't know why. Here I am at 2.34am drinking left over "teh tarik" from today's open house at my parents. And decided all of a sudden that I wanna write something on my long abandoned blog.

I have been clicking on the links that I have at the left side of my blog and it seems that most people have already abandoned their blog, by either cancelling them or not updating them.  I suppose it seems that writing a blog is no longer appealing and cool to some.  There are some that are still strong writing their rants.

I am merely speculating, that now media is so easily discover-able that people are afraid to be on the accidental spotlight.  There have been few instances that blogs got discovered by their thoughts and suddenly everyone hates the writer.  And perhaps, again speculating that people are afraid to really say what is on their mind.  Naming and shaming is kindda "in" thing.  Especially with the freedom people can do with Whatsapp.  Just link it, you have audience as big and wide as the world.  Your thoughts being read, ridiculed and judged.

Scary thought.

I have no apparent reason to start writing this blog.  A lot of things have happened to me recently.  Oh by the way, to any Muslim readers who found my blog. Selamat Hari Raya AidilFitri or Eid Mubarak.  I hope everyone have a great celebration. Feel free to comment my blog as it has been a very long while since I had an audience.

Since I last updated this blog, I suppose I have grown tremendously.  I suppose it comes with age.  Sometimes reading back the blog, I found myself in a petty place.  But that's what youth is, I was naive and thank you for not judging me.  I suppose, I deserve to be naive in my youth.

I used to run a lot in my so-called youth.  And ever since 2010, my running routine has decrease to merely one or two times PER YEAR!  And as a result within three years, I gained all of my weight and more.  I lost 30kgs and now, currently I gained all of them back plus another 10kg.

Pathetic, huh?

One thing that still remains in me. Procrastination.  I have been procrastinating to run. Giving a lot of excuses. By which you are okay to judge me as even pathetic than that.

I lost motivation.  I lost passion.  That happened to me since I last wrote my blog.  I was in a poisonous three year relationship which ended up quite badly.  Poisonous, in this aspect is for both parties.  I was doing no good to both of us.  We were practically dragging each other down.  And both parties are to blamed.  It was bad.  However, as the saying goes, "Some people are there to carry you, and some are to teach you a lesson in life".  It was a great big lesson for me.

I have no updates for you guys in my life.  I am just living day by day, just living as it comes.  Go with the flow.  Work is wonderful at the moment.  I am in a better place now. Well, in  a way, the same place.  But after a sharp dive to hell in my work life, now I am back up, where I started.  But still, I would say, I am in a better place now.

So anyway, there is my rant.  And I am hoping that I will update this blog more often.  So, I guess... Until then...

p/s: Please leave me a comment to let me know that some of you are reading it.  It could be a motivation for me to write more! ha ha...

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Re-birth: Kellaz Lives On

Hello readers.  I know in the last post, I have said that I have decided to kill this blog. 

I was stupid.  It took me this long to realize that no one can silence me.  And in fact when I think about it, if someone love me that bad, they would have respected my past.  But here I am.

After two years, I have decided that I will revive this blog to new life. 

So why change of heart?  Surprise, surprise, my relationship ended.  It's my fault actually, To shorten the story, I fell out of love.  I expected too much from someone who can give me so little.  Our differences started to appear, cracks started to wedge us apart and slowly tearing us apart.  I really thought this is it, The One.  But unfortunately, no. 

As all relationship end, it ended pretty badly over the period of eight months.  Everyday was hurtful.  I blame no one but myself.  I got fade up of waiting for things to change.  I was actually torn about the decision, am I too weak to wait, or a fool to wait any longer.  Or should I stay in a stagnant relationship, just living day by day... until the rest of my life.  Just because I want someone to be in my life.

It is like the saying, behind a great man is a great woman (lady).  Someone who supports you, encourages you, push you to be better, upgrade you, promote you.  Isn't that is expected of a partner?  Of course it works vice versa.  I tried to make things better.  And tried. And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  And tried.  You get the picture.  But it was like cheering someone to fall asleep.  I felt let down.  I should have put my expectations low, so I won't be devastated and disappointed.  But I gave up.  I gave up on everything.  So slowly, cracks turned to gaps, and finally it crumbled.

I know some people would have read this blog saying I am self righteous.  I am not always right.  I admit my mistakes, and all of the above that I have mentioned is all my fault.  In short, I expected too much.

Some other school of thoughts would have said you have to accept someone for who they are, but then again, is it enough?  But what about, if I say, in a marriage or any partnership you have to expect everything from your partner/wife/husband?  Why not?  Would you prefer to get married and live in a mediocre status quo for the rest of your life? 

I was watching a B-rated movie, starring Sara Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant called "Did You Hear About The Morgans?"  At one part of the movie, Sam Elliot the co-star said when Hugh Grant and SJ Parker were arguing, he said "In a marriage, you have to expect everything from your partner even miracles, otherwise it's just pointless", (I forgot the quote, but that's about right... along that line...)

But anyway, feel free to argue against. 

So anyway, enough about my relationship.  How about myself?  My family hates me.  Workplace hates me as well, everything's going south, pretty much.  I'm quite down actually.  I am thinking, if I am such a horrible person and karma is coming back to hit me, or am I being tested for something big in the future of my life.

I am trying to get a job outside of Brunei at the moment, and that's not gonna happen anytime soon, but that is my long term target for my career.  First, I just need to get out of this shithole.  I need to get out and make full use of my brain and experience elsewhere first.  I can't do that in the place I work right now.  I have been labeled so many things there.... Being a slacker is first on their list.  It is actually a chicken and egg situation; I am a slacker because of the workplace or the workplace had turned me into a slacker.  But it is half true.  I am a slacker.  The place I work had the ability to suck all the positive energy and energize me with a powerful negative one.  Thus turning me into one.  I was bullied and I wasn't strong enough to stay positive and I just gave up.  As a leader and mentor told me, "from what I have heard, I know this much that the current organization you are in, are in no way interested in developing you or progressing you in a professional manner". 

But anyway, that's about it. Welcome back Kellaz

Friday, 8 July 2011

The truth is the poster above was last put on the draft of this blog by the end of last year (29th December 2010).  I visited the blog once in a while thinking to update it.  As you would know, the person that I am, ambivalent always, leads to procrastination.

I has been almost a year since my last update and things in my life has gone from what is complicated and perhaps at some point unstable, to routine and boring.  Yeah, I am not entirely happy of my life but well, no change there, I'm bored with my life, and I live my live day to day in lethargy.  I am not the same person that I once were.  My best friend once told me, I used to be full of positivity and cheerful.  Well I am still the cheerful person that I am, but I'm so used to wear this mask, that it's almost part of me, even deep inside my heart burns with despair.

Part of the reason although not the predominant factor, is that I am in a relationship, and my other half doesn't seem to have any liking to this blog.  So writing this blog does have its risk feature.  My other half didn't like because it reeks of my past life and love.  I guess my other half is not familiar with the point of keeping the past, not to hold on to, but to reflect all the good and bad that had come my way.  But anyway, there's so many things that I wanted to say that I digress from my original intention to write this blog, to which now, I have forgotten.

I'm gonna stop here and put this post to draft as I need to go...  Will be back to write more...

A few weeks have pass by.  I am back on this drafted and yet to be posted post.  Am I making any sense? 

Here I am again, and I have a bomb to announce.  I have decided to kill this blog.  I have discussed about this blog with my other half, and it seems that I can't keep this blog and I will start a new one under an anonymous name (however, I'm still thinking about being anonymous).  My other half didn't like the idea of my exes' reading my blog.  I asked why, but there was no reply and my other half didn't have an answer to that.  I don't get it why my other half would have a problem with that, but nevertheless I have to respect the decision. 

I feel very sad that I have to kill this blog.  Not that I am holding to the past, but more of nostalgic feeling.  Nostalgic, in this sense, is that it's part of me and it poses more of a diary to me, more than anything else.  This blog also served me as a partner that gave me strength and hope for the better.  I know I'm good with words, and words are the only thing that I could express myself or release the ache deep in my heart.  I would like to thank my readers that have supported me all these time, giving me hope and showing me that, yes, there is light at the end of a very dark tunnel.  I appreciate that from the bottom of my heart.

Until then, hope you'll find me in my new reborn blog.  Thank you.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

A Very Long Hiatus

Hello, I'm back.

I sincerely and truly apologise to my fellow readers for my unannounced long hiatus.  And perhaps that will be the case from now on.  I will be on and off from this blog.

Alright, most of you would want to know why the long delay of absence from this blog.  Simple.  I am in a very commiting and serious relationship.  And I'm trying to keep my head out of the clouds and keep my feet on the ground.  I have realised that, sometimes, I have to stop wondering and analysing things and just do it.  Go to the deepest end and see whether you sink or you could swim. 

Writing my thoughts, although most of it are postive things, by letting things out in the open can cause some harm than good.  And if I wanted my relationship to work, I will need to keep thing off the table.  There are such things, too much good can harm you as well.

So I'll just update you things that are about me.  In March, I left KA and went with someone else.  And this someone else, I've been with ever since.  And as all relationships are, it has it's ups and downs.  Just put it this way.  Consider me married without the 'marriage'.  And leave it to that.

KA was really upset but I know it is the best situation for us both.  We both know it.  It was just that the relationship went south pretty fast and I was quick to get a replacement.  But it just have to be done for both of our sake.  I won't write much about it as it is quite personal for what had happened between to us. 

In May, my life went through hell.  Seriously.  By the end of May, every sense of dignity within me have been flushed out.  I had to struggle for this new relationship.  I was heart breaking.  Tears were shed.  So many tears and if I could remember it all, it was so painful.  Very painful.  So forgive me if I don't want to write (or think about it).

First of June, was one of the darkest day of my life.  And this, I would like everyone to know.  I was arrested in public, (Giant Superstore) by BKN (Biro Kawalan Narkotiks, i.e. Narcotics Control Bureau).  I was sabotaged by a traitor who had connections with the Bureau.  I was a suspect for dealing drugs.  I am not ashamed to talk about this, as the truth is I am not involved in what-so-ever fucked-up drug dealing or possessing.  (Apologies for the swearing!)  Seriously? WTF right?  But anyway, I was cleared immediately as I don't possess or had drugs in my system.  I filed a police report after that.  Because the bureau failed to do their homework and exposing themselves to be puppets by anyone who uses them to merely embarrase anyone in public.  Fools.  And I mean that sincerely.

And it now comes to July.  Things are well and dandy, I mean normal.  Nothing much to talk about.  Oh yes there is, nearly forgot for one important update.  For the past two months and with the things that I have mention, my work had serious implications.  I was absent from work at least a day or two in a week.  And my boss had a talk with me and bla-bla-bla.  Ok, but as some say, if a window of close, a door of opportunity opens.  And I'm moving department starting next week, well it is more of moving to another company.  And it's all good.  I will be working in Bandar (city) and I will be close with my love.  And that's very, very good.

So until then.  Again apologies for the lack of updates.

All is well, if not, let's hope all is well.  Hope is all we've got.

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Someone Cried Wolf?!

I am laughing.  Deliriously laughing!  And if I am not laughing, I am smiling from one ear to another.

Obviously some of you would have read the 'attack' on my shoutmix which in my personal opinion was totally and utterly really really funny.  I am trying to see the connection of such comments with regards to my current stature.  First and foremost, Karma had paid me a visit, decided to give me a break for the past one month and gave me a beautiful soul to accompany my heart.  Okay, that's an overstatement, let's just say, something to keep me busy.  Sometimes.  (Don't be cheeky on me now... LOL)

And all of the sudden; wham bam!  "Wolf! Wolf! Bastard! Wolf!"  And I'm just in shock!  I am as if going, telling someone, to turn the gawd damn page for this poor soul.  Obviously, stuck in the last freaking chapter.  I've written new chapters... I am going... oh c'mon... keep up will ya?!  Any of you getting any of this?  LOL!  Dyslexic reader perhaps?

Harsh isn't it?  Well, it isn't as harsh as was said to me in that attack comment.  All of us, have done one or more mistakes right?  Do we really need to dwell into it?  And live in a past with all that grudge and anger?  Yeah, I've done my more than fair share of stupid silly mistakes.  I even repeated them again and again.  But after all that was said and done, I did seek for forgiveness, and if one doesn't forgive, well, it's not my place anymore.  All I know, I've made my amendments, apologies and forgiveness.  Other than that, I wouldn't know what else I would do or say.

So for that particular ex.  Yes, it came from an ex.  Circa Sept'09 - Oct'09.  Thanks for stopping by and come again soon. :)

Until then... everyone, take good care of yourself.

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Permanent Or Temporary?

Note: This post was written 1st March, sorry for the late publish.

There comes to a point in our life when we want something permanent.  Love being one of it.  Lust likely being temporary.  Maybe.

Last night, after work, I fell asleep only to wake up at about quarter to 1 am.  There were 5 missed calls, 1 from a friend and the other 4 was from my best friend, Billy.  He call me at that amount, because I was supposed to have dinner with him, but I fell asleep.  So I called him up at 1am and he answered.  I tried to make it up to him and decided to hang out at his place instead. 

So about 2am, I arrived at his place with 2 packs of Nasi Katok and a bottle of Green Tea.  We talked and ate whilst watching Sex and the City Movie that was on HBO.  A particular scene made us talk about relationships, Samantha gained weight because she ate to keep herself from cheating from her boyfriend who stood and stuckby her.  Billy said, "I guess that is why I shy away from relationships, because there's so many out there, we're young, we're at our prime, so why not?  What do you think?"

"I'm seeking for something permanent", was my reply.  I guess at this age (of which I will discussed further), love is what I need.  Don't take it the wrong way, and I am not bragging, if it is lust that I am looking for, take my word for it, it's easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  Sometimes, or perhaps most of the time, after fulfilling lust, I feel sick and dirty for what I have done.  By saying this, I do admit that I am no angel.  But worst of all, in here, in this heart, it felt like darker and lonelier place to be.  Hollow.

This is unfinished post, will continue so soon...  Sorry about this, It's my bad...

Until then...

Monday, 1 March 2010

The Dating Game

For My Favourite and No.1 Reader fan...

Lest talk not about my love life for a moment and talk about something else.

The dating game.  The question that I am interested, is it really a game?  What do you do in this games?

Some people show their true colours, and some pretend.  This is what we call courtship.  But then again, if we pretend to be someone else during this courtship, is that wrong?  Is that considered a lie?  So where would we draw the line of pretending so that we get the love that we wanted or just plain lying to another?

Playing in the dating game, is personally, daunting.  However, not as to praise myself, most of the time, I try to be myself and most of the time try to make my date feel comfortable.  That is the only thing I try.  Other than that, with all respect, take it or leave it.  Yeah, our date could be this wonderful sexy human being on earth, but if he or she doesn't go in par with my thoughts and my feelings, what's the point?  So being true to yourself, and just being yourself helps.  Sometimes

But what if being yourself brings the worst possible scenario in your date?  Would you be someone else, would you try and pretend to be charming, suave and funny?  Maybe.  Because I don't blame when someone tries to be someone else, yeah, regardless of their intention, for love or just merely to get into their pants.  I ask myself, have I ever tried to impress a date?  Yes, but to a point.  I have my own limitations.  I have tried to be intellectual, yes I have, I've tried look as if I know everything, oh yes, I've tried to suck my stomach althroughout the date.  Yes, guilty of that too.  Pretend that I am as manly than I am.  Oh yes.

And guess what?  It doesn't work.  Sometimes, it's the individuality of a person that attracts another.  Freaky.  Weird.  Selfish.  Funny.  Talkative.  Normal.  Yes.  That's the winner.  Normal.  But hang on, in this day and age, what is normal anymore?  Normalcy is somewhat ambiguous in current times.  What was considered abnormal behaviour is now a norm.  But there are still certain aspects of abnormality that remained constant.  Such as, aggressiveness and disrespectfulness.  Sometimes, to think about it, I really like the dating scene, the prospect of meeting someone new and getting your head over heels.  Not to forget the sensation of floating like a bubble in the air and life seems a breeze.  And I suppose I am like that, just a little (okay, maybe a lot!)  Losing interest once the bubble has burst and reality had set in.  And what is more real than reality?  Commitment, my dear readers.

I suppose that is why men have difficulty to commit.  Life becomes real.  Fantasy had halted to a complete stop and reality starts to settle in, like a flan slowly collapsing in a cupboard.  To certain good men out there, this is what they seek for.  The reality of life, which later extrapolates from fantasy to family.  I know I have said previously that I won't talk about my love life, but... I admit recently, I've burst out of that fantasy bubble and seeking for something permanent.  Something real.  I wouldn't say 'family' real just yet.  But something real, something concrete, a 'foundation' so to speak.  Foundation of life.  Realism.

By saying that, I'm saying this not as a fixed solution to what has gone in my life.  And without further explanation, I have just found something real recently.  With a catch.  You may refer this in my previous post.  Forget BA, forget SA.  I'm staying put with KA.  Yeah, KA is taken.  But it is much complicated than what is obviously wrong.   I'm happy with KA at the moment.  And I'm taking things as it is, and I do expect that one of us, will bound for heartache.  But I'm focusing all my energy and focus on KA at the moment.  Have you ever had that feeling or thought of the right thing to do and the correct thing to do?  I'm doing the right thing to do.  I know obviously, my readers would know I'm not doing the correct thing.  In a way, KA is not cheating.  Yes, KA is taken, but it's much complicated than the facts.  I would like to elaborate more on KA's circumstances.  But at this point, let it be just between the two of us.  For now.  Let's just put it this way, KA is taken, but not in a relationship.  How's that?  Can a couple be a single person?  Can two people be together, yet single?  So basically that's what is going on.  And no, KA is not in an open relationship.

But most important of all, KA fills in the void in my heart.  As friends, yeah, you can call it that.  Friends.  For now.  We haven't made further plans from what is present.  Sometimes it's important to stay focus on the present than counting your eggs before they hatch.  However it is also important to anticipate the future.  And when the future turns present.  Something needs to give way and re-evaluate the situation.  The thing is, regardless of what goes on in the present and future, I'm relatively happy, knowing fully aware that I am bound for heartbreak, but I know for sure when the heartbreak occurs.  I would still be a happy man.  For myself and KA.

At this moment, with respect to KA, I'm losing the boundary between friendship and relationship.  We are sort of in both 'ships'.  But I think what is important here is not worrying too much about what 'ship' we are in, but the care and respect for each other plus the innocent third party.  That's all that matters.  I shall not traverse the boundary that is not mine to cross.  A note to self: Do not crucify yourself.

Until then...

Saturday, 20 February 2010

Stress and Karma's Reimbursement

I was at the peak of my stress, causing my body to shutdown.  That happened this week.

In the office there's this one bully.  A manager who seems threatened by my, perhaps, enthusiasm or perhaps my ability to lead.  He had always under estimated my capabilities as a shutdown engineer.  Perhaps, I was the only one who stands up to him and disagree to what he was saying.  Purely because he does not know shit of how we run our operations.  He dictates everyone, and for the past couple of years, it seems that he have managed to tame my colleagues to his command.  Consequently, they jump, run and climb as ordered.  And they are not leaders within my unit.  Everybody just follows what he says even they disagree to his decision.

After the Chinese New Year, I was being bullied by him via email, showing my lack of command, to my bosses, and I replied unduly with reasons upon my decision that I have made.  The next day, he wrote an sarcastic email.  It wasn't so much that I was angry for the sarcasm, but this chain email have been going around for almost one month, I have been trying so hard to get who owns the scope and when it finally goes to him, he sarcastically made a remark, that I am trying to oversteer his command.  I am just being proactive and helping him.  Not that I was trying to step on anybody's shoe.  I am helping.  Only trying to and that was the thanks I got?

The next day, I didn't go to work, because I just couldn't take it anymore.  I incarcerate myself in my room the whole day with no food, no human contact.   The next day, I went back to work demotivated and insistent that I will only do my job and only that.  No need to be proactive and no need to help or work as a team.  Enough is enough, that was what I thought.  I'm sick and tired to be pushed around and so, I will just work to get money at the end of the month.  That's it.  I'm sick of trying, I'm tired of helping.

As for my life, I've decided to take a turn for myself.  As I have written in my previous post, my heart and my head can't seem to agree on one thing.  Thus, as a result, my unrelenting ambivalence.  So I've decided to put myself out there, and date again.  But something came out of the blue and shook my whole world.  I think Karma have read my blog recently and decided to give me a leeway for my heart and my head to grow.  I met someone recently.  In just one date, we hit it off and the date went fantastically.  Only there's one catch, my date is already taken  At the same time, SA came back in my life, as a friend I think, but I felt something between the two of us.  I think we feel the same way like we did last year.  And I think SA is having second thoughts of coming back to me.  Or perhaps it is me who wants to go back together.

Thirdly, there's  another, I shall refer as BA.  I have a liking towards BA.  But BA only treats me as a friend and a confidante.  So I know for sure, there's nothing going, but I sort of wanted to, but perhaps even at this age, I still do fear rejection.  I don't have any expectations or hopes with respect to BA.  I guess, this is one of those things that could happen...  But deep inside, you know you're only kidding to yourself.

So that just leave SA and KA.  (Oh yeah, I'll name my new date as KA).  SA who is having difficulty to commit and KA who is actually already taken.  Yesterday, KA admitted having strong loving feelings for me, and KA knows it was too soon.  But KA needed to just let it out.  I didn't reciprocate KA's feelings, obviously because it's too soon to tell.  But yesterday KA said with pure conviction that KA do not want to lose me and will not let me go.  I ask about KA's other half.  KA went silent.

So Karma listen and gave me what I wanted for my love life, only that it's full of catch.  And I don't really know what to do... So much complications to deal with.  The best logical decision is to just run away.  But I guess, I need to find middle way for my heart and my head to agree.

Oh, I've got to go, will post some more soon, going out to watch a football match with my brother and my brother in law.

Until then...

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Searching For An Answer

If life is a answer, what would the question be?

Life itself is full of questions.  A friend once asked, what is the meaning of life?  At that point in time, I told her, life has no meaning, we just live it, as it is to a lamp, it just shines.  And as what Forrest Gump use to say about stupid, "Stupid is what stupid does" and life is just like that.   I thought I had the answer in my hands....

Don't expect if I have the answer.  I am as clueless as you are.  That is assuming you don't have the answer, and if you do, feel free to share it with me.  This long weekend was spent searching for the question I've been asking myself more recently.  What's wrong with me?  I find myself feeling so low and depressed.  I feel as if I am struggling to live.  Hope, faith and emotional strength flushed out of my body somehow, I breakdown so often.  Why is it so hard for me to love and be loved in return?

As I searched for the answers, I called up YKW.  "You want to know what's wrong? Whoa?  Are you sitting down?" "No, I'm on my bed, lying down".  "Okay, that's even better"...  We continued to talk, and one of the things that YKW said was that I don't talk.  I guess, we all know about 'The Talk'.  It is the confrontational conversation that might lead to anger, fights or tears.  YKW told me that I don't confront about my feelings enough.  Perhaps due to my ego.  And yes, it was my ego.

I broke down after the phone call.  I now see, YKW is living a successful and happy life right now.  Content. YKW deserved it after all the pain and heartache that I've given.  But I'm not sure if I deserve to feel like this.  Perhaps it is Karma, but haven't I paid enough to Karma, and why is Karma just looking for the bad side of things,  I've done good things too, and why haven't Karma paid me that?

I also got in contact with SA and we met up that night.  I went in search for answers, what's wrong with me, why can't I love, what did I do wrong, what did I did or didn't do?  SA told me it wasn't about me, it was about SA who couldn't commit due to time constraints from life and work.  But as I reflected what I did and thought at that point in time, I would say, I was impatient.  But then again, I guess, as if it was planned by Karma, I got back what I did; what goes around did came around.  SA didn't tell me that at that point in time, SA was going through a really bad patch, but didn't tell me.  Thus, I fail to understand.  And that is just a point in case, what I did in my previous relationship.  Expecting others to understand without informing.

I suppose now, I have some answers...  The next question is, what would I do next?

Until then...

Friday, 12 February 2010