Happy Day

I have been back to onshore since Tuesday  I came back home to found out that my mobile phone was not working, it just wouldn't turn on.  At first I thought my phone's battery was dead, but upon charging, there was even no indication that the phone was charging.  Feeling deprived of 'communication', I sent the phone to be repaired.  I thought it was either my charger was faulty, or perhaps the battery.  But the technician had a look and it was neither of them, it was the phone.

The technician told me if the software was malfunctioning, it would only take a day, but if it was the hardware, it would take about couple of weeks.  It dawn on me, that if it takes a couple of weeks, I can't live like that...  So I did something truly stupid.  I bought a new phone.  It was an impulse buy.  But nevertheless very very therapeutic.  So what gadget did I buy myself this time?  It's an LG KD900 better known as LG Crystal.  It has the first and only see-through keypad and it is such an awesome thing to hold.  I bought the phone using online on QQeStore, the saleslady (whom I'm very familiar with), asked what type of phone am I interested in.  I said, "three things, one, it has a touchscreen, because everybody seems to be on it, and I do feel jealous and envious, secondly, no windows mobile, I hate their lag, so it must be  a symbian OS, and iphone is just damn expensive for me.  Lastly, it also owns a keypad.  So that I can SMS while driving (Note: Don't deny it, you do it too!!!).  She scanned in her head... and said, "Ahh, yes, LG Crystal!!!"

I heard about it, I've seen pictures of it, but once I had it in my hands, there was no turning back.  I just fell in love with it, instantly.  The technology in this phone is just amazing.  I've had LG mobile phones before.  The LG KS20 which is the first Windows Mobile for LG mobile phones and the LG Viewty which is rated the best camera phone at one point in 2007.  I sold both of them because when Windows mobile although has it's advantages suffers from serious lag problems.  And I let go of the Viewty, because a friend wanted to buy his girlfriend a new phone (but in the end, he used it instead and gave his phone to his girlfriend, but it's good to know they're married last week).  So I'm back with LG with an S-Class OS which is unique to LG.  And it's such a wonderful gadget to have, it's animation is top class, I do admit.

So anyway, yeah, this new phone that I had just bought, is definitely a good one.  Some setbacks though, the review for the camera although it is an 8 megapixel camera was bad.  If you want to know more about this phone please click here.  So happy with my therapeutic purchase, and as soon as I inserted my SIM card into it and turned it on,  I had a lot of text messages coming in, and one text message was from my relative/estate broker.  She said the lawyers have been trying to get in touch with me but my phone was unreachable.  So I called my relative/estate broker, and she explained everything to me, then I called the lawyers and they explained latest updates to me.  Not long after that, we booked an appointment for Wednesday at 2pm with the lawyers.  When we got there, the lawyer who was in charged, double booked us, but his assistant, was very helpful with us, she gave us all the neccessary forms and asks us to come back at 4pm.  She said if we wanted to get the matter settled, we will need to settle everything on that day itself because the lawyer in charged of my estate case will be taking leave for a full week the next day.  She asked if the landowner could come as well, so everything can be signed and the deal sealed on that day.  It was a mad rush and we were lucky that the landowner was living quite close by to where the lawyers office are.

So at 4pm we reconvene to the lawyers office as stated with all our forms and necessary documents all ready photocopied.  And we had our meeting, basically what happened was the lawyer needs to explain everything that we signed.  The lawyer was adorable, adorable in this sense is that, this particular lawyer who is malay, had difficulty in explaining in his own language.  That's because later, I've learnt that he spend most of his life in the UK growing up and practising law.  So he spoke in a very standard malay and the way he explained it was more or less described as adorable.  He was explaining it to the landowner who is a lady.  But anyway, adorable as he was trying hard to explain, he does carry a charismatic personality and especially when he was talking to me in english, because he was aware that I speak english fluently.

So everything is signed and I am a step closer to own my own property.  Well, not entirely, as the property will be assigned as collateral to the bank as well until I make full payment of my mortgage loan.  So with everything settle, I'm really psych about it..  Oh by the way one thing I've not told you, the same day, I got a call from the phone shop.  My phone have been repaired.  And erm, yes, I have one extra mobile phone...  Anybody interested? Selling it off for $400 ono. Market price now at $500+.  Bought it when it was $695.  The phone model is a cybershot phone by SonyEricsson C905.  Bought it in May this year.  Just in case, drop me a shout in in my shoutmix or email me. Anyway, I feel tired now, and I think it is time for me to have a good night sleep.  Until then...

Down

I'm feeling down at the moment.  I just wish that this depressing feeling just go away and leave me alone.  But I feel, it's really hard to describe, but I think, the closest word that could describe this feeling I have is lonely.

I feel empty.  I feel hopelessness.  I'm not sure where this feelings come from.  But I feel like I've lost aim in life.  I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days.  I will be leaving a in a few hours.  And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings.  I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that.  But I feel so empty inside.  I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried.  I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear).  I feel sorry for myself.  I feel bad about myself.

Maybe with the recent contact with 'E' had made me realise my mistakes.  I have been chatting with 'E' recently.  He told me something that really hurts me.  After breaking up with me, he avoided places and things that reminded of our relationship.  We used to share something (it's private), one would call it a toy, and left it for me to take care.  When 'E' asked me to take care of it, 'E' told me that 'E' had never parted with it, until 'E' knew me.  When we broke up, I returned this cuddly 'toy' back to 'E'.  When we were chatting in MSN, we were reminiscing the good times and this 'toy' got mention.  'E' told me that all of the things that were associated with me, we either thrown or given away.  And it includes "E's" car.  'E' had even sold the car that we once sat in and drove around with.

It broke my heart.  It really did.  I've never meant to 'destroy' someone like this.  I feel bad and guilty for treating 'E' badly towards the end of our relationship, badly in this sense, that I just moved on while 'E' suffered for months in silence.  I don't know what to make of it anymore.  And one thing for sure, I didn't get the last laugh in this drama.

I'm not proud of the man I was, I'm not proud of the man I am, I'm so ashamed of myself.  All I did was hurtful.  When I think about it again, disrespectful.  When I think more about it, I despise myself.  I know I can't change the past, but I guess I have the present and the future to change things.  I believe that I have been so lost with myself, with my own arrogance and idiocy, in my own stupid world, to realise the consequence of my actions.

And now, I feel lonely as ever.  And yes, you are right.  I deserve it.  But I guess, in time, I'll learn.  I've learnt my mistakes, and I will try to be a better man this time.  No promises.

My love life have so far, have screeched to a stopping halt.  And I confess that I'm having a hard time about it.  I've refrained from dating.  But it feels so hurtful to be single again.  I think my drugs have been love and relationships that now without it, it's just, too hard to describe, despair, disappointment, loneliness, pain, emptiness are all combined into one.  I'm sure I'll get over it, and I hope it's sooner.  I'm actually lost in my own sentences.  This post doesn't make sense to me.  It's so jumbled up.

I should stop now.  Until then...

Errands Galore

(This post was written on the 18th November)


My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep.  I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep.  But at least I had a good night sleep.


I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon.  But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave.  Today, the one errand that I'm running became two.  I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank.  And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again.  It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment.


I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and trying hard to figure out what was the reason for the worrying and anxiety.  And it becomes clearer even after I read the comment from Maria.M : "It is normal to feel anxiety from time to time. The unease, intense worry or nervousness gives character to life's already colorful graph. It is human to feel. Like the 'S' curve of development... you could be climbing from the bottom curve... or are you at the top curve approaching the cliffhanger?"


I think I am going through something of the latter.  I'm about to fall off.  Fall from or of something, which I still have to figure out.  But there feels a great sense of change in me which I am reluctant to do, yet I had to face up, and it feels inevitable.  There's something that I have done recently, that probably explains the anxiety.  And I only shared it with my best friend, Billy.  I have told him that I am going to become celibate (of relationship and love).  I told him that I'm cutting those feelings and learning to numb my heart and mind from ever going to that place again.  Probably that was why I was anxious.  Once I announce my intentions, I became conscious that I have to keep my word that I have just said.  Maybe, I worry too much that I might fall again into the same trap.  Sometimes, I just keep on wondering, where would you draw the line between trying and giving up?  Am I giving up of love?  Or am I pushing all intentions to fall in love again?  I'm rambling and I know, you're lost in these sentences, I'm lost as well... But it feels so weird when I have consciously have decided and say it, that I'm closing that road that leads to relationships. 


I guess, I have said those words before but maybe perhaps this time I mean it.  I guess I have decided that this time, even when I found the "perfect" one, I will have to turn it down.  And perhaps knowing that, that will happen, gave me the anxiety attack.  


(I've decided to still publish this post, and I don't think I could finish it.  Perhaps those feelings have gone and I've lost the momentum of the post.  Thus, I shall leave it to this, I'm sorry that this post left my readers hanging... Perhaps this post were never meant to finish...  Until then)

Love Revisited

Last night I had a revisit from a previous love.  I met up with one of my ex "E", after being apart for almost six months.

The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends.  And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears.  Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret.  Mostly regret from my part.  This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other.  It was a mutual understanding.  Well, now, I must say, I was stupid.  I am stupid.  I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face.

Now, guess who had the better life?  And no, it isn't me.  My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it.  What hurts was that my ex said, "I think from the looks of it, we could last long, because he's a simple guy, quiet, honest, loving and everything that I could ask from a man".  Ouch! That hurts...  And from the looks of it, my ex did not say it in a way to piss me off.  Because what happened next was touching to me.  "Honestly, and I can't deny it though, I'm still very much in love with you, and I still miss you every single day, even until now".  I just broke into tears.

My ex knew that things wouldn't have worked even if we tried back then, in fact, things had turn into worse, just after we broke up due to my ex's change of lifestyle and personal and family matters.  And at that time, my ex told me, it was so busy that there was not even time to mourn for our lost relationship, which was also a blessing.  I was an idiot.  I am an idiot.

But it seems that my ex is happy, but also sad when we were reminiscing our relationship together.  We agreed that more than 90% of the time we spent were special and great.  A lot of laughters and joy were spent in that relationship.  It only went sour because I had a change of heart.  I fell out of love with my ex, and I couldn't hide it any longer and we broke off, I wrote about the breaking up here (click here).

But after last night tears and confession, I feel so stupid, my eyes is still sore after crying so much.  I'm not a man who shed tears easily.  But right now, I feel stupid and depressed.  I told my ex, "at least, the stupid one is me, and look at me now, I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself.  I've failed more relationship after being with you, one thing that is obvious now, you don't deserve me, you deserve better and you are deserving it now".  But it was good that we met, my ex wanted to introduce me to the new man in my ex's life.  But I declined.  Of course, everyone would know the reason to that.

I feel so happy to see my ex, but I feel so sad about myself.  I feel sorry for myself, I regret saying and doing the things to my ex.  One thing that I can't change about me now, is that I'm not happy, I feel lonely and I have no one else to blame but myself.  But I guess, it's just a subjective matter.  Looking at the glass half empty or half full.  And from where I am now, it's half empty.  No, just plain empty.  I know what I am doing to myself at this moment is the right thing to do, and like every right thing to do, is painful and hurtful.  But certain things have to be done.  My ex said to me, "without any shatter of a doubt, if I am single right now, I would go through it all again, start all over again and spend my life with you again".  

So as you can see, after hearing those, tears just flows.  How could I have been so blind and oblivious to my ex's feelings.  It breaks my heart to hear those words.  But I guess that's the way life works.  Biting you in places you least expect.  So anyway, I should stop writing now, because writing this post had made me gone teary again.  By the way, I've written a post which I have not publish yet, because I haven't finished writing it.  I will post it soon.  Until then...

Anxious

Tonight, I'm feeling anxious.

I don't know what's wrong, but something feels amiss.  Something feels not right.  It got me wondering am I having relationship withdrawal syndrome?  Today, from early morning till now (which is midnight), I have been by myself.  Well not entirely, but I didn't have the company of my friends or family, let alone a lover.  I woke up pretty late, and attended my errands, which is to re-fill the forms for my insurance and sent it to the bank and send the form back to the insurance agent which all ends in pretty much less than an hour.

After that, I had my breakfast, lunch and dinner in a cozy little restaurant, I spent about three hours there and went home.  I've stayed home since then up till now.  Maybe perhaps I feel a little claustrophobic being in the house for too long.  And I have been so anxious that I finish half a pack of cigarette.  I'm not sure why, my tongue feels dry and I drank a lot of water causing me to pee almost every half hour.  I watched tv the whole night, but half of my mind was else where, well, not anywhere in particular just blank.  Even as I slouched on my bed with my computer on my lap.  I feel a little agitated.

Something IS wrong.  I don't know what it is, the last time I took caffeine was at 4pm, so I know that's not the cause... Seriously, something feels... it is very difficult to describe.  Anxious.

I'm writing this in this state, maybe things may fall out of my head, through my fingers and release all this anxiety.  But that doesn't seem to work, as I still couldn't work out what is wrong with me.

But anyway, I guess, I should stop here.  Today's 'therapy' didn't seem to work.

Until then...

Getting Ahead of Myself

How am I going to say this?  Let me see...

Actually, I've started dating again.  The latest date that I had, pulls me back to the same cycle again.  No, don't get off your chair just yet (to smack me).  But I'm trying my best to pull every energy left of me to avoid going back to the same situation.

I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit.  But not this fast.  It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed.  No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it.  Well, honestly, still resisting it.  It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds.  Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again.  Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog.  No, it's not, it's a story of me.  Kellaz.  A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations.  But sure enough, I have to agree, for the past few months or perhaps a year, this blog have been revolving around my love stories.  No, correction, my pathetic love stories.

I know it's weird to pour out so much into a blog, especially being in Brunei (it is a place where everybody almost know everybody, seriously, really), stories like this do get around easily.  But I'm not doing this for attention or fame.  But, every single time I write my thoughts and feelings on the blog, that nudging feeling, the burdening feeling on your head and shoulder eases up a little bit.  But from recently experience, some of my thoughts were retaliated against.  I guess, the saying is true, you can't please everyone.  Nevertheless, eventually we move on to better things.

I would love to write more on this current... (I'm thinking of what to call it), it's not a relationship for sure, and it's more than a date), but this... situation that I am in. But one thing I am sure of, I find myself pulling out, because I guess, the other party is pushing too hard on me.  I feel trapped somehow, it's a weird feeling.  Secretly I want in, but I am seriously traumatised by my seven and a half relationship that I have been through.  Seriously I'm sort of terrified of relationships.  I know for sure that I'm not that ready to hold a new relationship.  But it's going too fast and too soon.  I'm freaking out, really I am.

I don't know, I guess, my ambivalence is taking over me.  I'm confused, but I'm at the point of beyond confused, that I push it at the back of my mind, taped the nagging feeling silent and just go through my daily life as usual.  But that burden of 'unfinished business' is still there.  But anyhow...  like the title of this blog post, I am trying not to get ahead of myself.  I just need a little time and space right now...  A breather, so to speak...

The processing state of my, well, estate, is still going smooth, although realising it has gone a little bit quieter, I guess the bank and the lawyers are in transit discussions about the way forward.  But anyhow, I'm keeping tab on everything, ensuring that the payment can be done as soon as possible.  I'm tracking really really hard on this matter.  I sometimes feel like I am holding my breath all these while... as I wait for my body to rise up from the murky waters... It's scary, but like everything else, we put our worries and fear behind and do the best we can.

Rambling unnecessarily, I have been, it seems...  Got nothing much else to say actually, just keeping my readers happy by posting some thoughts of mine...

Until then...

Nothing much

The reason why I have been shying away from blogging is just because there isn't much to say.  

But a lot of things had happened, but more towards making my dream house a step closer.  And it's getting there.  This week, I got my approval letter, and fulfilling all of the requirements before approval.  Upon approval, the bank will nominate a lawyer.  All of that will be done sometime this week.  Everything is going smooth.

But this smooth running operation came at a very high cost. In just two days, I've spent about $4,000.  Crazy, I know.  Just to letting you guys know out there, to build a home have their preliminary cost, and this sum should come up in terms of your own budget.  Ideally, you should have in hand about $10,000 just to get you loan and construction to set up.  So I'm deliriously broke at the moment.

Even as I am typing this post, my mind is still running, I don't even know how to find funds to pay my lawyers, when everything is settled.  I think, it is time for me to keep my expenses at an all time low starting this November.  A lot of changes to my lifestyle must be made.  But anyhow, I guess, this is one of those things that we all have to go through at some point in our life.  A rights of passage so to speak.

What else is new?  Oh my life, I'm living my pseudo single life.  I have not broken up with my other half yet, but to me, it's over.  I won't succumb (not because of arrogance) to my other half's low to justify any ending of this relationship.  I guess, for my other half, the relationship have ended before it even had begun.  I've read and re-read the text messages.  One message which I had written before in my previous post which is exactly : "For me, to love, I need to adapt.  Because I need to feel secure.  I don't feel secure."  Every time I read that text message, it bites me way deep down there.  All that have been running in my mind was, why?  If you don't feel secure in the first place, why did you agree to have a relationship with me?  I've never ever in my life have force anybody to be with me or be in a relationship with me.  I want a relationship that comes from the pureness of the heart, not out of pity or anything else.

It's weird.  It's weird that I didn't give a second chance to CA.  And I got someone really different and yet tried to adapt and given so much to be together.  I'm not sure how I am running my life at the moment.  But the least, working on my dream house keeps me busy and in perspective at all time.  But indeed, I'm moving on to better things, things that is worth of my time.

So since there's nothing much to say, I guess this post have to be a short one...

Until then...

Updates

One thing I know and learnt about blogging is to not blog when emotions are high. From experience, it will only make me look like a fool. Thus why I have been shying away from updating this blog.

I have been angry, consequently sad and disappointed by the way my other half is reacting to my emotions. I tried my best to keep my composure but the longer I waited the harder it hit on me. I'm starting to get tired of this relationship, or dare I say, this game that my other half is playing on me. It started earlier this week, when we promise to meet, but cancelled at the very last minute, which pissed me off. I sent a text message, but it was clear that I was upset by it. I understand that my other half had more important things to do. And I'm fine by the cancellation, but, my other half didn't do anything to make me feel better. All I wanted was just a little understanding. So I've decided to play along with my other half's game. Which is doing nothing. A day had passed. Nothing. A couple of days had passed, still I've heard nothing. Three days had passed. Nothing. So last night, I quit playing games, and text that I wanted to meet on Monday to discuss the way forward. To me right now, although I might take this back depending on the discussion that we will be having, I'm done with the games. I want to call it quits. I'm tired.

I've had my fair share of games. I'm over playing games. I'm tired of playing mind games which my other half is (I have to admit) good at playing it. I texted last night to no answer. I texted in the morning, saying along the line of, "Are you done playing a fool out of me?" Only then I got a text back simply saying "wait, I'm at the hospital". Fair enough.

The future between us looks bleak unless my other half is willing to change. My other half, unfortunately is stubborn and arrogant but so am I. But I've given so much to prove my love and yet I feel there's nothing coming from my other half, only arrogance. My other half expect me to change which believe me, I've really really tried but it's eating me up. I'm tired of trying to please someone when that someone wouldn't change to work on the relationship as I am. Maybe my other half is not as committed as I am to this relationship. Believe me, I've tried, and I've tried my best. I have never tried to compromise with anyone as much for this relationship. I'm not whining about it, because I really do wanted this relationship to work. But as the saying goes... "it's a two way street".

The paragraphs above was written on the yesterday. And now it is the 8th of October.

I have discussed with a friend recently with what I am going through. I've read the text messages that my other half had sent me yesterday afternoon. Some of the messages was that, along the line of "I just want you to accept me the way I am", "70% of your lifestyle I just couldn't accept" and "To love is to feel secure, but I don't feel secure with you".

So does that paint a picture? I'll leave it up to you to think about it. I left one last question to my other half, "Do you still want to be with me?" The answer was "Let me think about it, I'm busy at the moment". I'm putting my heart on my sleeve to you, my dear readers, do you think I have a relationship? Okay, almost 24 hours have passed. Still there is no reply. To me, I consider myself, single (again). I'm a guy who doesn't like to force people into a relationship, I like to make things happen by itself. It feels more honest and natural that way, if two people seem to be keen on each other, so why not have a great relationship? Right?

So with this relationship, it feels like, I'm on my own. It reminds me of my previous post, how could I have over looked this... My other half was 'playing a game of poker' with me. My other half had reservation about starting this relationship, which now looks clear. But why did my other half decided to embark on a relationship with me in the first place? I would have been fine if the relationship didn't work, I would not be flaring up. Because after being in love for so many times, I know one cannot force another to be in love. To make them fall in love with you, maybe... But yet it is still gamble, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen.

The weird thing is, I'm not upset. I guess, I feel I'm beyond upset. In fact, I'm happy. I feel much better. I'm not going to even hear what my other half had to say. To me right now, it's over. If someone had reservation about having a relationship with you and in the amidst of a relationship problem. Thank you very much. I don't need say the obvious. I'm glad that I am back on track with my life. I only embark on this relationship because my other half was my crush. And I was willing to work a relationship with my long time crush. But now, the saying "too good to be true" rings true.

In my opinion, and this is my honest opinion of my other half. My other half is weird (to which my other half had admitted), naive and childish. For a someone who has walked the earth for 29 years, it's surprising that such people still exist. No, I'm not saying this to get back. No. Even at one point we have discussed this together and my other half agreed. My other half is a passive person.... afraid of living. Where as I, I enjoy my life, I live life to the fullest. I embrace life. Not my other half. My other half had limited social skills, and fears life. To the point of paranoia. It's true, and my other half agreed about this.

There are still some people out there (not referring to my other half) that lives a paranoid life. They think too much on what other people think of them. They have this thing called "reputation" or "presentation". I've lived long enough to not care what people say about you. No, it's not that I don't care at all, yes, I do care to a certain point. But would I let what people say to run my life... No. Hell no. Some people think that the universe revolves around them hence why the paranoia. No, nobody cares if you fell into a drain. No, nobody cares if someone saw your panties. No, nobody cares if you had said something stupid. No.

We're all human, we're all stupid and make mistakes (not all the time). That's what that makes us human. We're flawed in our own way. But we change. Not necessarily for the better. No. Change because you want to. Changing for the better is always a good thing and no doubt about it, but to change is to experience, to change is to live.

Anyway, enough about that. Oh my estate, got my mortgage loan approved! Yeah, good news! But the bank couldn't give me the amount, so I'm 6k short. I've arranged for payment with the land lady that I will pay the rest, in February. So things are looking up. And also, I've engaged my architect again, and he gave me the first draft of my house layout and it's looking great. I've feedback the things that I wanted, and so far, it looks good. So anyway, I've ranted way too much in this post. So leave me a comment or two. Just to know if someone is listening to my rant :)

Until then....

Continuation .. (Here We Go... Again)

Somethings are too good to be true.

Being able to start a relationship with a long lost crush is a great thing to be in. But as all relationships are, they need work. After two weeks, reality starts to set in, and we find ourself having petty arguments.

Reality sucks. My head over heels soon became a head on collision because of personality differences. The underlying issue is, would you still stand by the person you love if everything you stood for and believes are not accepted by them? The personality clash that we have are at the far end extremes. And sometimes it feels like I am the only one working on the relationship. Is love alone enough? Does love conquer all? Does it?

However, I'm not quitting just yet. Yes, at certain level, love does conquer certain areas of the relationship. But on other parts, we just have to work on it. And I'm pretty sure, the work I'm about to embark on, is no easy feat. Both of us are stubborn, and both of us had ego as big as the universe. Neither are budging, Throughout our short introduction, I have gone low enough to find the middle ground, but it seems that the work only comes from me. Recently, in aa recent argument, I shouted how self-centered and self-righteous my other half was. It was a very bad argument. But in the end, we both settled down by talking things out. It looks like there is hope, but I won't be keeping my bets at this point in time. I've been through this before and I don't intend to repeat the same mistakes again. So it could be a make or break time.

Other than that, the estate that I was about to purchase have seen some light of day. Last week, I talked to the landlady and explained my situation with the bank recently. Fortunately, she understood and was willing to wait for the money. And I am expecting for the approval letter today, which slipped my mind, by the way. I was consumed with work today, that I forgot to follow up with the bank. I will be doing that tomorrow, that's for sure.

The previous paragraphs were written yesterday Monday (02-10-2009). And I'm writing this today, Tuesday, oh no, it has passed midnight, so technically, today is Wednesday.

A few things had happened and I've been trying too keep it out from this blog. But honestly, I'm not happy. I'm not happy in my new relationship. It's very hard. I just don't know where to begin. Yesterday, we were supposed to meet on Monday night, but my other half cancelled on the last minute and it got me really upset. And no apology was given, I do understand that my other half was busy, but isn't it out of courtesy even as friends to apologise for canceling on the last minute? I don't know, sometimes, I think that my other half, has such a big ego and very arrogant that it was just taken for granted. Or perhaps, I'm just over-reacting. Both of us did not text message each other all day long, (I was relatively busy today anyway). So at close of business at work today, I sent a message, just containing "Hru?' (short for "How are you?") All I got for a reply was "Fine." And that was it!

I texted back, basically saying two can play this game. My other half texted back saying "I am not playing games, stop saying that, please". The thing that pisses the hell out of me, is I hate to be taken for granted. I keep saying to myself, I deserve more. There are some people out there, who are my friends who treat me better than my other half. I feel like quitting this relationship. Why? Because I'm not happy. I am very sad and upset with my other half.

I feel like this relationship is pulling me backwards. I don't feel like I've achieve something out of this relationship other than heartache. I don't know, maybe my other half have really bad social etiquette or naive in relationships. But I feel like this is a game more than it is a relationship. Mind games. Such an awful game. I've done my fair share of mind games. And I don't intend to play them anymore. I don't know. I really don't know what to think anymore with this relationship. Stay and persevere or run like hell? The give you a picture of how awful this relationship is, in just over two weeks, we had almost broken up twice (in one night). I feel very depressed about it. I'm ignoring my other half's text messages, because right now, I'm thinking (really) about calling it quits. I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated fairly. That's all.

So anyway, updates on my estate, I called up the bank today. The bank officer that 'handled' my mortgage loan, nicknamed 'Jaz', told me that, there's some delay on the approval side, because there's only one credit approval officer working this week due to the holiday season coming soon, by the end of this year. I asked her to follow up on that, and to give me a call tomorrow (that's today!), as soon as she hears anything from them. Somehow I feel nervous about it. I really wanted to get this thing over and done with. Just tonight I had my third meeting with my architect, and saw my first draft of my house layout. I've written some comments on the piece of paper, no, the comments are more on enhancement and wish list that I would love to have.

Okay, I guess this post will have to get another 'continuation' because my eyes, is really really tired, it's almost at the point of getting my eyes crossed... I really need to get some rest... I have not been feeling so good lately.... I spy a flu coming in soon... I'm stocking myself up with medicine... so anyway... to be continued... no time to proof read this post...

Happy Belated Birthday Kellaz And Here It Goes again...

I've been a very bad boy. It slipped my mind but due to the chaos I have been going through recently, I've lost track of time.

On the 22nd of October was kellaz.blogspot.com 2nd birthday. On this date, kellaz.blogspot.com was born. Which also means, I have been on therapy for two years. If you had been an avid reader from the beginning, you have seen me bloom (although that's not always the case) from the past two years. Two years have gone so fast and I just couldn't keep track of the things I have posted. Two years and 472 posts (inclusive of this post) have been written. One could have written a screenplay of a drama series out of this blog. So happy birthday kellaz.blogspot.com. I'm sorry that I missed your birthday, but I know you would understand. May 'you' bloom into greater things. To KELLAZ!

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I have been busy for two main reason. In short, one reason, I have been busy kindling a new relationship and secondly, I have been busy finding funds to purchase a piece of land.

The latter reason has caused me a lot of stress, pain and heartache. And screaming on the phone too. For the past couple of days, I have been arguing with the bank officer in charged of my mortgage loan. They have been toying with me, telling me, no, I can't afford, yes, I could and at the very last minute, another no but maybe a yes with pre-conditions that they have failed to highlight in the beginning, thus causing delays. The truth be told, I have applied my loan a week before the deadline. I know it isn't enough to process the loan, but they have been the one who have misinformed me that I couldn't afford the loan in the first place. This had cause me panic and I have been spending my time 'shopping' for mortgage loans at other banks. I went to the bank three weeks before the deadline and they toyed with my decision with a yes and no for two week.

So I am going to write about my struggle of getting a mortgage loan. Perhaps this can be a learning experience for those who will be going through about purchasing a land. Over a month ago, a distant relative (which my family is close with and also a estate broker) told me that there was a very good offer of an estate where I wanted. It took me a week or two to decide but eventually considering that my youngest sister had bought my mother's land not far from where the estate I am considering to buy, I finally said "yes". After my last trip offshore (three weeks to deadline), the first thing I did was that I went to my bank (of which where I access my monthly income) to help me get a mortgage loan to purchase this land. They informed me that I couldn't afford it, as the outstanding amount of my personal loan is still a lot. And if it did, I couldn't agree to pay almost 90% of my salary to pay off both of my personal loan and mortgage loan. In panic, I went 'shopping' to other banks to see if they could help me. One bank could help, but couldn't understand why my bank couldn't help me as I had sufficient funds to cover my personal and mortgage loan. They told me to go back to my bank get a re-confirmation.

I went back to my bank, and asked a 're-confirmation' if their calculations were correct. I had 8 days left for the deadline at this point, the deadline is on the 29th October. The loan officer had made a miscalculation and found that I could actually afford the loan! I demand them to process the loan as soon as possible. A week into the deadline, I went to the bank to sign off all documents and ask them to process my loan immediately. Feeling good, I went back to the office as usual. An hour later, the bank called. Now, they were telling me I couldn't afford it!!! They told me I had to settle at least $2,500 of my personal loan to get my mortgage loan approved. Causing panic for the second time by them, I asked all immediate relatives if they could borrow me that amount, unfortunately to no avail. On that same day, I had to resort to my friends for help. And thanks to my best friend, he confirms to me that he could help. And he did. I told the bank that I have funds and I will make the deposit the day after. And things settle down.

The next day, 6 days to deadline. The bank officer called again. Asking from me, the SPA (Sale and Purchase Agreement) between the landlord and myself, and a receipt of the intended purchase, witness by a lawyer (bear in mind this was on a friday afternoon!) How on earth could I get a lawyer ask to write up a SPA in time for my deadline? I called my relative (who introduced to me this land) and she tried her best to draft a SPA document to be sign in front of a magistrate (which is still acceptable). On Saturday morning, the document was finally available. I called up the bank and ask if I could settle things in Bandar, since I wouldn't have sufficient time to drive an hour away, to the bank in Kuala Belait Branch.

The bank officer told me not to worry as he will submit everything on Monday (3 days to deadline!) I asked for a confirmation if my fund would be released on Wednesday. And now for the first time, they told me... "That's impossible and couldn't be done!" At this point, I was screaming and panicking at him on the phone. He didn't help but instead he made me furious by saying "Sorry, but I only met you this Thursday and it is impossible to release this fund by the 28th. You are putting me in a very difficult situation, this is your fault for coming to us late at this point". At this point, I just lost it, I scream on top of my lungs, "I came to you late???!!! I came to you late???!!! You are the one who misinformed me of your calculations, making me waste my time looking for other banks when I could have already did this a couple of weeks ago! You are my bank, I deal with you every time, I deal with all my finances with you, and your bank was the first bank I came to for help!!! And you blame me for coming late???!!!"

I simply lost it, and I finally hung up when he said that he couldn't talk to me anymore. The last thing I said to him was, "You don't want to talk to me??? Fine!!!" In my honest opinion, I could have made a well informed decision if they had given me the right information in the first place rather than I had wasted my time looking for other banks for help. And they are the one who came to me at the very last minute for important documents which I had no preparations of. And they blame me for coming late.

I called my relative again and she asked me to calm down... I was really upset at this point. She said, she will try to push back the deadline as long as the bank can confirm to me the draw down of the cash money. So I called the bank again, and this time I called their supervisor who I am familiar with and have handle all of my finances the first time I stepped into that bank. She told me that given that the pre-conditions being met, she finds there is no reason left for my mortgage application to be rejected. Then I ask her, "After approval, which you said, will take about a week, how long will it take to draw down the money so that I can finally make the payment for the land I am about to purchase". Her answer made me explode. She said "one and a half months or two months...". I just couldn't say anything at this point. I was absolutely furious! I was beyond furious. I decided to talk calmly because I have ran out of harsh words at this point. I told her, "I have repeated to your loan officers that I need the money by the 28th October almost a hundred of times. And you are the first person who told me that it takes more than a month for the money. Why haven't anyone said this in the first place, I could have resort to a more informed decision rather than pushing things ahead of myself and running like a headless chicken all week long". Her reply was "my officers are new and still in training".

I feel like strangling their staff and let them choke to their death. I was speechless. And there goes my chance. That's it. I couldn't meet the deadline anymore. Thanks to the bank's incompetence! So here I am, thinking about any contingencies on how to make this deadline work. It's crazy. It's simply ridiculous.

Anyway, I've decided to skip spell and grammar check this post because it is really late and I need to get some sleep... consider this post... TO BE CONTINUED....

Post Edit: I've grammar and spell check the post. (27/10/2009)