Kellaz, A Journal

The truth is the poster above was last put on the draft of this blog by the end of last year (29th December 2010).  I visited the blog once in a while thinking to update it.  As you would know, the person that I am, ambivalent always, leads to procrastination. I has been almost a year since my last update and things in my life has gone from what is complicated and perhaps at some point unstable, to routine and boring.  Yeah, I am not entirely happy of my life but well, no change there, I'm bored with my life, and I live my live day to day in lethargy.  I am not the same person that I once were.  My best friend once told me, I used to be full of positivity and cheerful.  Well I am still the cheerful person that I am, but I'm so used to wear this mask, that it's almost part of me, even deep inside my heart burns with despair. Part of the reason although not the predominant factor, is that I am in a relationship, and my other half doesn't seem to have...

Hello, I'm back. I sincerely and truly apologise to my fellow readers for my unannounced long hiatus.  And perhaps that will be the case from now on.  I will be on and off from this blog. Alright, most of you would want to know why the long delay of absence from this blog.  Simple.  I am in a very commiting and serious relationship.  And I'm trying to keep my head out of the clouds and keep my feet on the ground.  I have realised that, sometimes, I have to stop wondering and analysing things and just do it.  Go to the deepest end and see whether you sink or you could swim.  Writing my thoughts, although most of it are postive things, by letting things out in the open can cause some harm than good.  And if I wanted my relationship to work, I will need to keep thing off the table.  There are such things, too much good can harm you as well. So I'll just update you things that are about me.  In March, I left KA and went with som...

I am laughing.  Deliriously laughing!  And if I am not laughing, I am smiling from one ear to another. Obviously some of you would have read the 'attack' on my shoutmix which in my personal opinion was totally and utterly really really funny.  I am trying to see the connection of such comments with regards to my current stature.  First and foremost, Karma had paid me a visit, decided to give me a break for the past one month and gave me a beautiful soul to accompany my heart.  Okay, that's an overstatement, let's just say, something to keep me busy.  Sometimes.  (Don't be cheeky on me now... LOL) And all of the sudden; wham bam!  "Wolf! Wolf! Bastard! Wolf!"  And I'm just in shock!  I am as if going, telling someone, to turn the gawd damn page for this poor soul.  Obviously, stuck in the last freaking chapter.  I've written new chapters... I am going... o h c'mon... keep up will ya?!  Any of you getting any of this? ...

Note: This post was written 1st March, sorry for the late publish. There comes to a point in our life when we want something permanent.  Love being one of it.  Lust likely being temporary.  Maybe. Last night, after work, I fell asleep only to wake up at about quarter to 1 am.  There were 5 missed calls, 1 from a friend and the other 4 was from my best friend, Billy .  He call me at that amount, because I was supposed to have dinner with him, but I fell asleep.  So I called him up at 1am and he answered.  I tried to make it up to him and decided to hang out at his place instead.  So about 2am, I arrived at his place with 2 packs of Nasi Katok and a bottle of Green Tea.  We talked and ate whilst watching Sex and the City Movie that was on HBO .  A particular scene made us talk about relationships, Samantha gained weight because she ate to keep herself from cheating from her boyfriend who stood and stuckby her.  Billy said, "...

For My Favourite and No.1 Reader fan... Lest talk not about my love life for a moment and talk about something else. The dating game.  The question that I am interested, is it really a game?  What do you do in this games? Some people show their true colours, and some pretend.  This is what we call courtship.  But then again, if we pretend to be someone else during this courtship, is that wrong?  Is that considered a lie?  So where would we draw the line of pretending so that we get the love that we wanted or just plain lying to another? Playing in the dating game, is personally, daunting.  However, not as to praise myself, most of the time, I try to be myself and most of the time try to make my date feel comfortable.  That is the only thing I try.  Other than that, with all respect, take it or leave it.  Yeah, our date could be this wonderful sexy human being on earth, but if he or she doesn't go in par with my thoughts and my fee...

I was at the peak of my stress, causing my body to shutdown.  That happened this week. In the office there's this one bully.  A manager who seems threatened by my, perhaps, enthusiasm or perhaps my ability to lead.  He had always under estimated my capabilities as a shutdown engineer.  Perhaps, I was the only one who stands up to him and disagree to what he was saying.  Purely because he does not know shit of how we run our operations.  He dictates everyone, and for the past couple of years, it seems that he have managed to tame my colleagues to his command.  Consequently, they jump, run and climb as ordered.  And they are not leaders within my unit.  Everybody just follows what he says even they disagree to his decision. After the Chinese New Year, I was being bullied by him via email, showing my lack of command, to my bosses, and I replied unduly with reasons upon my decision that I have made.  The next day, he wrote an sarcastic e...

If life is a answer, what would the question be? Life itself is full of questions.  A friend once asked, what is the meaning of life?  At that point in time, I told her, life has no meaning, we just live it, as it is to a lamp, it just shines.  And as what Forrest Gump use to say about stupid, "Stupid is what stupid does" and life is just like that.   I thought I had the answer in my hands.... Don't expect if I have the answer.  I am as clueless as you are.  That is assuming you don't have the answer, and if you do, feel free to share it with me.  This long weekend was spent searching for the question I've been asking myself more recently.   What's wrong with me?  I find myself feeling so low and depressed.  I feel as if I am struggling to live.  Hope, faith and emotional strength flushed out of my body somehow, I breakdown so often.  Why is it so hard for me to love and be loved in return? As I searched for the answers,...