Searching For An Answer

If life is a answer, what would the question be?

Life itself is full of questions.  A friend once asked, what is the meaning of life?  At that point in time, I told her, life has no meaning, we just live it, as it is to a lamp, it just shines.  And as what Forrest Gump use to say about stupid, "Stupid is what stupid does" and life is just like that.   I thought I had the answer in my hands....

Don't expect if I have the answer.  I am as clueless as you are.  That is assuming you don't have the answer, and if you do, feel free to share it with me.  This long weekend was spent searching for the question I've been asking myself more recently.  What's wrong with me?  I find myself feeling so low and depressed.  I feel as if I am struggling to live.  Hope, faith and emotional strength flushed out of my body somehow, I breakdown so often.  Why is it so hard for me to love and be loved in return?

As I searched for the answers, I called up YKW.  "You want to know what's wrong? Whoa?  Are you sitting down?" "No, I'm on my bed, lying down".  "Okay, that's even better"...  We continued to talk, and one of the things that YKW said was that I don't talk.  I guess, we all know about 'The Talk'.  It is the confrontational conversation that might lead to anger, fights or tears.  YKW told me that I don't confront about my feelings enough.  Perhaps due to my ego.  And yes, it was my ego.

I broke down after the phone call.  I now see, YKW is living a successful and happy life right now.  Content. YKW deserved it after all the pain and heartache that I've given.  But I'm not sure if I deserve to feel like this.  Perhaps it is Karma, but haven't I paid enough to Karma, and why is Karma just looking for the bad side of things,  I've done good things too, and why haven't Karma paid me that?

I also got in contact with SA and we met up that night.  I went in search for answers, what's wrong with me, why can't I love, what did I do wrong, what did I did or didn't do?  SA told me it wasn't about me, it was about SA who couldn't commit due to time constraints from life and work.  But as I reflected what I did and thought at that point in time, I would say, I was impatient.  But then again, I guess, as if it was planned by Karma, I got back what I did; what goes around did came around.  SA didn't tell me that at that point in time, SA was going through a really bad patch, but didn't tell me.  Thus, I fail to understand.  And that is just a point in case, what I did in my previous relationship.  Expecting others to understand without informing.

I suppose now, I have some answers...  The next question is, what would I do next?

Until then...