Kellaz, A Journal

I've been a very bad boy. It slipped my mind but due to the chaos I have been going through recently, I've lost track of time. On the 22nd of October was kellaz.blogspot.com 2nd birthday. On this date, kellaz.blogspot.com was born. Which also means, I have been on therapy for two years. If you had been an avid reader from the beginning, you have seen me bloom (although that's not always the case) from the past two years. Two years have gone so fast and I just couldn't keep track of the things I have posted. Two years and 472 posts (inclusive of this post) have been written. One could have written a screenplay of a drama series out of this blog. So happy birthday kellaz.blogspot.com . I'm sorry that I missed your birthday, but I know you would understand. May 'you' bloom into greater things. To KELLAZ! Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I have been busy for two main reason. In short, one reason, I have been busy kindling a new relationship...

If you once had wished something, and it came true. Wouldn't that be the best thing ever?!! Would it? Think about it... Would it be the best thing ever?!! There's also a saying, "be careful what you wish for, because it may come true". I would love to write more about it, but once upon a time, I did wish something to happen. But it never did. Years have gone by... Year after a year, after a year... and just like that. BAM!!! It came true. And I'm stuck in this wonderful rut. And I don't know what to do. I really want this, I really do, I really, really do, but that means, I'd have to take everything what I have said back. (long pause....) Damn it, after thinking about it, what the hell... Here goes... Years ago, so many years ago, I had this crush, and it wasn't just a crush, it wasn't infatuation, it wasn't lust, I fell in love from the first sight. I kept it to myself and wished that I could be with my crush one day. Years h...

Actually, I've written something before this blog, but I am not ready to publish it yet. It is of sensitive nature to certain readers i.e. CA . So I will digress about something else. Death Anniversary. Today marks the my death anniversary, the day I've decided to take my own life after our final fight with YKW . The time when my sharp scissors couldn't cut the thinnest part of my wrist. No, I'm not proud of it. I'm not seeking sympathy. But as a learning point for me and also other readers who thinks there is no life after true love. It still hurts me to think about that particular night. Things we said to each other were both hurtful and painful. I still remember crying in the rain, like a pathetic 'Sembilu' movie. Indeed, there is life after love. It may not be the same life, but a life nevertheless and I am the living proof of that. Perhaps it takes time for us all to move on. No one wants to be stuck in the same ugly place. But change, in...

I know I shouldn't be complaining much. Because I'm going home this Monday. But this weekend has been a difficult one. I woke up pretty early today, but I decided to stay in my bunk bed for a little while, showered and went to office, feeling bored, I went back to my room and decided to have a small weekend for myself. At about 1130 hrs, my construction supervisor, Zaki , went into the room. I asked if he'd done his job, but he said, " it's close to lunch time and the guys are doing their housekeeping before going to have their lunch" . In short, they're done for the morning. Not long after that, an alarm went off, it was not a drill, it was a general alarm as it was announced on the PA system. I got off my bed and thought "oh no, something gone wrong on our worksite" . Why did I think about that? That's because we were the only team working on this platform complex. I went down the stairs and there were some people looking down at t...

If I had nothing to say or things to write, I wouldn't write my blog. But being offshore for the seventh day, I'm bored out of my mind. So anyway, I am writing because I've always treated my blog as some sort of therapy or a place to pour my heart out, in hopes that some soul have some pity for me and give me an advice or two on how to run my ever crumbling life. Of which advice may or may not be accepted, although I would always take and use for consideration. That's more or less what this blog is all about. I've got plenty of friends although I think that my friends list starts to recede dramatically ever since I've moved to Bandar (city). It recedes even more after my break up with YKW, because most of my friends in Bandar are YKW's friends as well. It wasn't that I want to 'de-friended' them, but I think it would be inappropriate as they are more of YKW's friends than they are to me. I guess, there's an unspoken rule when it c...

What do you want? But then again, the better version of the question is, what do you need? I have been thinking and weighing things that I want and things that I need. I found myself prone to listing down the things I want into the things I need. And I start to question myself, do I really need it? Greedy. That's what I am, and I guess, when you think about it, that's part of human nature. Greed. I need to reorganise myself, correction, reorganise my life. My life is like my room, I'd like to think, organised in a day, and slowly it messes up and then it comes to a tipping point where I have to organise them back in order again. And right now, I'm at that tipping point. Enough. Enough is enough. Stories about my relationships sounds like a scratched compact disc or a song played in repeat. It is starting to bore me. Seriously. I'm bored out of my mind when it comes to relationship. And it is obvious what I should do. But as all things are, easier sai...

Apologies for being AWOL from blogging for a short while. I purposely didn't want to blog because since I got back from offshore last week (returning Monday), I had an argument with my recent ex, CA . I didn't want to blog when tensions and emotions were running high. I was pretty angry by the argument, it wasn't a verbal argument and the medium for the argument was via text messages. CA accused me of many untrue versions of my previous post. CA accused me of still having loving feelings for YKW . And accused me of never loving CA all this time. I actually asked a few friends about my previous post, if I had been insensitive to my ex's feelings. I also asked them if my ex was the main subject of the post. I asked them if that was an attack on my ex. I asked them if it is anything about my ex. All of them answered no. Most readers have read that and saw the whole 'moral of the story' which is all about my friend who was devastated about her ex who h...