Take A Chance

Apologies for being AWOL from blogging for a short while. I purposely didn't want to blog because since I got back from offshore last week (returning Monday), I had an argument with my recent ex, CA.

I didn't want to blog when tensions and emotions were running high. I was pretty angry by the argument, it wasn't a verbal argument and the medium for the argument was via text messages. CA accused me of many untrue versions of my previous post. CA accused me of still having loving feelings for YKW. And accused me of never loving CA all this time.

I actually asked a few friends about my previous post, if I had been insensitive to my ex's feelings. I also asked them if my ex was the main subject of the post. I asked them if that was an attack on my ex. I asked them if it is anything about my ex. All of them answered no. Most readers have read that and saw the whole 'moral of the story' which is all about my friend who was devastated about her ex who had moved on even after seven years had passed by. They understood that it was about cheering up my friend. Not an attack or was I being insensitive. And that was the thought I had when I was writing that post. I remembered the good times and reminiscing down memory lane with YKW.

One might ask. Why YKW? Why not ex number one or two or the rest? The reason is, I spent two brilliant years with YKW. Try and forget two years of your life. Can you? How about, two great years spent with someone you truly love? Can you? I was accused that I had never loved CA at all. In fact I got quoted from a different blog that I had abandoned a year ago via text message. Yes, I had a different blog all about YKW, and had abandoned it. Abandon. I don't know how CA got to know that irrelevant blog, but somehow it got quoted via text messages. I am starting to think that CA is a selective reader. CA reads the same sentence but had a different idea about the sentence, over analysed it and it becomes something that CA believe to be true, although that was not the case. Emotional reader. Someone who reads using their emotions and only pick certain words that sounds only relevant to their emotional thinking. If I had written "I had two wonderful years with YKW". CA would understand it as, "I still want to have those two wonderful years again". Emotional readers interpret words and sentences by analysing too much by using their emotional sense. Ironic thing is that the next day, and the day after up till last night, CA have been asking to be given a second chance. Should I?

I still love CA. Yes, I do, and there's no other way about it. But when CA agreed to my break up proposal and was happy to be single again, I thought that was the end. If you ask me, would you give CA a second chance? The answer would be, I don't know. I would love to give CA a second chance, but I have a huge sense of reluctance. CA said things would be different, CA would change this time around. CA would change... for whom? And for what? If the answer is for me and to make me happy, the answer would be no, I don't want to give CA a second chance, in fact I don't want anybody to change on my behalf just to make me happy, because based on experience, that is only delaying the inevitable, delaying the break up. In the end both people get hurt much worse. I know that much from past experience.

Yes, two people who love each other should only change for themselves, if not, for the relationship which they both bound accountable for. That's the 'workings' of a relationship. To work on relationship is to compensate, understand and support each other. It is not a sacrifice. And it shouldn't feel like it. Because you change because you want to change, you compromise because you want to compromise, you compensate because you want to compensate, you understand because you understand. Not because you have to.

I'm loving my pseudo single life right now. I'm saying pseudo, because I have not broken up with CA properly. I broke up with CA via text message. No, not because I didn't want to face up, but CA was mostly unavailable at that time. CA was very very busy. Which I understand whole heartedly. CA thinks that I broke up because CA was busy, too busy for me. No. CA still doesn't understand why I wanted to break up. If you can recall my previous post, Tolerances and Compromises and Personality Clash, Silence and Break Up, those are the reason for breaking up. I agreed to be in a relationship with CA in the first place because CA showed signs of changing, signs of opening up to me and much more. But after when I came back from offshore, CA went back to the old ways, attitudes and behaviours. That intolerable close mindedness. Okay, that sounds so judgmental about someone. But I know the CA's mind at work, CA is not open to anything. And CA's mind prefer not to know and live in ignorance. Which is totally opposite of my way of thinking and personality.

No, I'm not saying I'm totally open minded, totally adventurous. But I am open minded and adventurous. Not for CA. CA would ignore and consciously prefer to keep things unknown and no, CA doesn't want to learn anything about it. Purely because it doesn't have anything to do with CA. Okay, I'm not bashing CA. But those are CA's characteristic, and I respect CA for that. It's CA's right. It's CA's personality. I refuse to change CA for the better if CA thinks it is not. And I'm not saying it is a bad characteristic either. Because when it comes to personality and character, its up to each and their own on how they want to run their own lives. It is never a place for anyone to judge.

Perhaps this is why Allah met me and CA up. Perhaps to open up CA's eyes. Just as what YKW did to me. Over the course of almost a year, I have been in six relationship, all flunk, but one thing I have changed about myself. Something I never did with YKW (at first). I have never cheated on all six accounts. Never. YKW changed me in that sense. YKW taught me the meaning of love, respect, commitment and loyalty. And how important it is to have that in my life. I cherish that. And I'm much happier now that way. Yes, I have changed. Thanks to YKW.

So back to the question. Will I give CA another chance? The answer is still I don't know. I have been ignoring CA's text messages because I need to think, I need to clear my head, I need to re-evaluate everything, and I need clarifications. I am offshore now, by the way. So I will use this time to think about it. I will need to meet up with CA when I come back home and settle this matter once and for all.

So anyway, that's about it... On my personal life, I starting to feel a bit lonely right now... But I guess, I need this loneliness time. Detox myself from love. So anyway... until then....