What do I want?

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What do you want? But then again, the better version of the question is, what do you need?

I have been thinking and weighing things that I want and things that I need. I found myself prone to listing down the things I want into the things I need. And I start to question myself, do I really need it? Greedy. That's what I am, and I guess, when you think about it, that's part of human nature. Greed.

I need to reorganise myself, correction, reorganise my life. My life is like my room, I'd like to think, organised in a day, and slowly it messes up and then it comes to a tipping point where I have to organise them back in order again. And right now, I'm at that tipping point. Enough. Enough is enough. Stories about my relationships sounds like a scratched compact disc or a song played in repeat. It is starting to bore me. Seriously. I'm bored out of my mind when it comes to relationship. And it is obvious what I should do. But as all things are, easier said than done. What's even worse, my ambivalence. I'm so pissed off with myself that I can't keep doing the things that I have said. I said to myself, no more relationships, and then I got into one. Ridiculous eh? How pathetic could I be?

The thing is, I have this ugly tendency to say yes to anything and everything, well, actually to anything and everything that I don't know. To the things I know, I'd use my logical sense, but sometimes the vagueness of the emotional heart is very difficult to pin point. Would you like a relationship with me? No... Simple as that. But I just couldn't do it. One thing about me, is that I am a nice guy. And I'm not saying it is a good thing. I have this phobia of rejecting. I hate rejection as well as rejecting. And on top of that, I have this fear of regretting. I hate to regret. I would hate to say no to the things that potentially could make me happy for the rest of my life. But after a while, heart break and heartache follow suit. Thus not making me a nice guy in the end. Then again, nice guys always finish last as some saying puts it.

I have no clue where this post is taking me. I have millions of thoughts and things to write, but it's a huge solid block of thoughts and I'm having great difficulties to put it on this post. There are something that I wanted to write, because I don't want to hurt certain parties with my blog. Thus making me feel difficult to write it on here. It is like a therapist trying to filter things that I said, and making them taboo. But what the hell. Here goes...

A week ago, I got to know somebody new, I guess my loneliness had led me to find someone new, and the date went well. I am somehow attracted to this particular date. And I found myself, thinking about this date, I am very attracted to my new date. Why, and don't ask me why, I asked if I could start a relationship. (I know I'm really really really stupid). There was a pause, and got a "sure" but it was said like a sigh. And now, it looks like it is not going anywhere. A few days have passed and I've heard nothing. Nothing. So I guess, that was a rejection. But at the same time, I felt some what relieve that the relationship went to a complete halt. But anyway, here's the thing... Relationship. Where should I put it? The things I want? Or the things I need?

I know it was sneaky of me trying to start a relationship when CA wanted to be given a second chance. But if there is any defense for myself, I started the quick pseudo relationship before being asked for a second chance and when I thought it was all over. So what do I have left for me. CA's second chance. And up till now, I'm dreading to make the decision. Single life. Do I want it? Do I need it? I do appreciate if you could give me some thoughts about it, but then again at the end of the day, I have to make this decision all by myself and I can't count on others to make that decision for me.

So here's where I am, imagine this, a huge pile of mess. And me, right in the middle of it. And I have to clean it up. For this one, I'd have to put under the things I need to do and I am damn sure it is. And this thoughts of cleaning it up, is causing me a lot of stress and pressure, and it's causing me repetitive migraines. Seriously, I have not been feeling well for the past week or so, because in a way, my life is eating me alive.

Anyway, it is late, and I have to get some sleep. Writing this particular post has relieved me some a bit as I have let out something out of my chest but believe me it is one of the hardest. I feel like some sleazy lover who cheats and I hate myself, but technically I have not. I don't know why I felt that way...

So I shall leave you with that... Until then...

Comments

M Ahmad said…
I will never write as much, as you did about yourself in a blog. If my blog only shared one out of a thousand pieces of the puzzle, yours were built with glass walls; Metallic Glass, to be precise. You left the door wide open and welcome possibilities. Even with closed doors, others can still see you but that never bothered you. But you could easily get hurt. CA followed your writings (you probably wrote more than you could ever utter in a single date!) and is probably trying hard to understand you. Another chance to understand you better. Nobody has to change... more tolerant, perhaps? less of a perfectionist?

Loneliness lead you to someone new. Do you want to be slave to loneliness? I know that statistics proved the higher number of trials increases the percentage of success... but my dear, give it a pause.

There must be more valid reason (or a list of reasons) for a meaningful relationship. Doa and Solat Istikharah is the best solution, and insyaAllah you will never be disappointed with a guided decision.

Then again, I am not the best person to offer relationship advices. Of the few serious relationships that I had (definitely less than six!), I failed in all occasions and for various different reasons. I never regretted the decisions and will never turn back. Once you are tsunami struck, you build stronger fort. I am now a wiser individual (that might never recover some pieces of the puzzle)... but I guessed, as an elder and wiser sister, my thought holds!
4 October 2009 at 22:25
Anonymous said…
Maria, I appreciate what you have written and coincidentally, I've thought almost the same thing about what you have written.

One thing that threw me aback was perhaps, less of a perfectionist. You know what? I guess, you're right. I asked for tolerances from my ex, but never truly understand.

But this time around, I'm trying hard to uphold my decision and close all access to this heart of mine. And indeed I had intentions to pray (doa) and pray (solat) and I have hopes and faith that somehow, Allah can guide me.

But I beg to differ, you might not be the best person to offer relationship advices. But your advice have been the best by far. From the bottom and most humble of my heart, I thank you.
4 October 2009 at 23:49
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