Kellaz, A Journal

I was at the peak of my stress, causing my body to shutdown.  That happened this week. In the office there's this one bully.  A manager who seems threatened by my, perhaps, enthusiasm or perhaps my ability to lead.  He had always under estimated my capabilities as a shutdown engineer.  Perhaps, I was the only one who stands up to him and disagree to what he was saying.  Purely because he does not know shit of how we run our operations.  He dictates everyone, and for the past couple of years, it seems that he have managed to tame my colleagues to his command.  Consequently, they jump, run and climb as ordered.  And they are not leaders within my unit.  Everybody just follows what he says even they disagree to his decision. After the Chinese New Year, I was being bullied by him via email, showing my lack of command, to my bosses, and I replied unduly with reasons upon my decision that I have made.  The next day, he wrote an sarcastic e...

If life is a answer, what would the question be? Life itself is full of questions.  A friend once asked, what is the meaning of life?  At that point in time, I told her, life has no meaning, we just live it, as it is to a lamp, it just shines.  And as what Forrest Gump use to say about stupid, "Stupid is what stupid does" and life is just like that.   I thought I had the answer in my hands.... Don't expect if I have the answer.  I am as clueless as you are.  That is assuming you don't have the answer, and if you do, feel free to share it with me.  This long weekend was spent searching for the question I've been asking myself more recently.   What's wrong with me?  I find myself feeling so low and depressed.  I feel as if I am struggling to live.  Hope, faith and emotional strength flushed out of my body somehow, I breakdown so often.  Why is it so hard for me to love and be loved in return? As I searched for the answers,...

Seemed to be the theme of my life at the moment...

Apologies for the inappropriate outburst with respect to my previous post. I was severely depressed after feeling pressured from a fling and an out-of-the-blue contact from a resulting blind date (known as SA in December posts), they both arrived in my life at the same time.  And I suppose it overwhelmed me.  A lot.  And it took over my head and I had to let it flow out of my fingers if I was to get any single ounce of sleep. I felt that I was so close, yet so distant from love.  I felt that I have to go that extra mile to be loved and that extra mile, is actually not just a mile but a far off distance, maybe thousands of miles.  It is as if, you are stuck in the desert and you are severely dehydrated.  Someone comes to you with water and offers you a drink, but you have to cut your wrist to get it.  You need that drink but you have to suffer to have it.  It's just so frustrating. Why?  Why is it so hard?  Why does it have to be so...

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in returned - Moulin Rouge Movie... And why is it so hard to be loved in returned?  I look back at my life and I think I deserved that much.  But why?  Why is it so hard to love me? Maybe I'm complicated, although I love to think that I am a simple guy, but indeed I am a simple guy.  But why is my life so complicated that loving me seemed to be an arduous task to do?  Blast from the past seemed to be the main theme of my life at the moment.  Past lovers came back to me and came in contact with me in one night.  This very night.  And it is so painful when I come to think of it.  It hurts me so bad that I think that I don't deserved to be loved.  I feel that I am broken.  Broken.  Beyond repair.  Beyond recognition. I like to think that I am a nice guy.  I am a nice guy.  People have told me so.  But why do people leave me in the end?  It ...

If there are a few things I have learnt, and a few things that you know about me, I don't write my blog when I am upset.  By experience, it made me look like a fool.  A stupid pathetic fool. Thus that was why I have been quiet lately.  Actually, I have wrote three full blown beautifully written blog about loneliness, being ashamed of myself and taking my time.  But I have deleted them because now since I have read them back, it will definitely throw you back and go, "What is he on about?" So rather than making a complete idiot of myself, I kept quiet and took my time before I decided to write again.  So being quiet, is when I'm either upset or there's nothing much to say, talk or discuss about the going-ons of my life at that current point of time. So what made me so upset?  Well, it's that fling that I had.  I knew what I was into, but I let it overwhelm me.  We haven't had the chance to meet because of our schedule and this weekend was a p...