Frustration Outburst

Apologies for the inappropriate outburst with respect to my previous post.

I was severely depressed after feeling pressured from a fling and an out-of-the-blue contact from a resulting blind date (known as SA in December posts), they both arrived in my life at the same time.  And I suppose it overwhelmed me.  A lot.  And it took over my head and I had to let it flow out of my fingers if I was to get any single ounce of sleep.

I felt that I was so close, yet so distant from love.  I felt that I have to go that extra mile to be loved and that extra mile, is actually not just a mile but a far off distance, maybe thousands of miles.  It is as if, you are stuck in the desert and you are severely dehydrated.  Someone comes to you with water and offers you a drink, but you have to cut your wrist to get it.  You need that drink but you have to suffer to have it.  It's just so frustrating.

Why?  Why is it so hard?  Why does it have to be so complicated?  Why?  I am awfully tired of struggling to search the basic need in life.  Love.  Why is it hard?  And when I do get it, complication gets in again and destroy the very foundation that you laid on for yourself.  I am not whining, I am not angry, I am not complaining.  It frustrate me so much that to get a little, I have to give up a lot or perhaps everything I possess physically, mentally and emotionally.  Is that what love is all about?

What ever happened to taking and giving?  What ever happened to trust, faith and honesty?  Does that not matter at all?  Recently I had a contact via Facebook and got to know somebody new.  We talked on the phone for hours on end. After a few days of silence, we chatted in Facebook again, and continued talking on the phone on hours on end again.  It is very rare that I found someone and manage to clique with a complete stranger.  Well stranger in this sense is that we've never met, although we have browsed through each other's profile.  Yeah, you are not far off if you have guessed, that I am attracted to the personality, looks and intelligence of my new acquaintance.  But most of the time, we talked about the ex.  Not my ex.  My new acquaintance maybe naive in love. Everything that was describe to me sounded familiar.   Through the stories that I've heard, it seemed to reflect what I was, what I did and what I went through.  Been there.  Done that.  It's just so scary and extraordinary that under a few years, life has thrown me so many things.  I have been and maybe still am resilient.  Maybe not.  But here I am, standing.  Perhaps just sitting.  Metaphorically speaking.

Speaking of ex, I had a dream.  When I visit slumberland, I sometimes dream and sometimes don't.  I am not one that remember dreams, but there is one dream I particularly remembered.  And it sort of embedded itself into my brain and I can't seem to delete it out of my head.  My dream happened quite a number of weeks ago, sometime last month.  I don't plan to write it out here in my blog, but it seems I have to.  My dream particular showed me how screwed up I am at the current moment.  What was the dream you may wonder?  Hold on to your seats.

My dream was I proposed to YKW, on bended knee, in front of a crowd, some of which were YKW's friends.  My dream didn't last long, I was woken up by my mobile phone's alarm.  I remembered zombie-ing my day, because the dream haunted me to this day.  I wish I could go back to sleep and find the continuation of that dream.  I wanted to know the ending.  Or perhaps...  I know the ending already, yet couldn't find the energy or haven't had the courage to accept it.

Wow, in all truthfulness and honesty, writing that down, felt good.  All these while I felt like I've been carrying something heavy.  Now I feel some sense of relief.  And it neither feels good nor bad.  It's like holding on to secret that you've been dying to tell but you just couldn't.

I guess, you, me and everybody is right.  I'm pretty much have gone insane.  I am struggling, you know.  My heart, my head feels as if they are playing on a see-saw...  When one of them, goes up, I use them, then when it goes down, it makes no sense at all.  I don't know which one makes sense, and which one to use.  My heart?  My head?  Ideally, I know, I should use both to make a well balanced decision in life.  But it is difficult when one or the other starts to contradict each other.  I think (I've just thought of it!) that explains my ambivalence.  My heart and my head can never seemed to agree to a compromise, thus why I am like this.  Good grief!  Eureka!

Nevertheless, despite of my new found discovery.  That doesn't answers much.  Reality is painful.  But perhaps the reason I am still (assuming) resilient, is that I hope.  And I have faith that my life will get better.

Pah!  Enough ranting, I'm by myself in the office now.  I should make an exit.  Until then...