Been Quiet
If there are a few things I have learnt, and a few things that you know about me, I don't write my blog when I am upset. By experience, it made me look like a fool. A stupid pathetic fool.
Thus that was why I have been quiet lately. Actually, I have wrote three full blown beautifully written blog about loneliness, being ashamed of myself and taking my time. But I have deleted them because now since I have read them back, it will definitely throw you back and go, "What is he on about?"
So rather than making a complete idiot of myself, I kept quiet and took my time before I decided to write again. So being quiet, is when I'm either upset or there's nothing much to say, talk or discuss about the going-ons of my life at that current point of time.
So what made me so upset? Well, it's that fling that I had. I knew what I was into, but I let it overwhelm me. We haven't had the chance to meet because of our schedule and this weekend was a perfect time for us to meet, and suddenly, the fling, as if like a tease, played very hard to get. I'm over mind games, you see. Or maybe, my fling wasn't playing hard to get, then again, my fling, if you remembered was taken already. So perhaps, my fling was with the other half. I don't know. I let it get over me and got me upset. But I am no longer upset. I've decided to distance myself once and for all.
I'm starting to dislike love. Love gives you that false sense of security. That is what I hate most about love. It blinds, it numbs, lifts you up in the air and gave you that natural high, when all observers, know in reality, it wasn't and one is due to fall really bad and it was very obvious. We lose all logical sense and we fall for the trap each and every time. I am beginning to think that falling in love or loving someone is a waste of time. But at the same time I know it isn't. I fell in love and loved YKW for two good years so I know it wasn't a waste of time at all. And I appreciated the fact that we had loved each other and because of it, I have become a better man that I am now.
I'm not saying that I fell in love with my fling or was in any shape or form in love. But I do admit, I was nearly there. But it is fortunate for me, reality struck me before anything happens. And I'm glad, I got that 'nudge'. Thank goodness for me. So anyway, as I was saying before, I wrote a post about being lonely. Okay, please don't get me wrong, I am not seeking for sympathy, I don't want to be accused as a victim. But lately, I have been feeling awfully lonely. How lonely? I start to talk by myself while having my smoke. I talk to myself in the mirror, mostly scolding myself. I spend almost 18 hours on the internet playing games on Facebook. I don't go out much anymore. It is worrying and it is pathetic. And I need help. But being lonely has it's upside. I've managed to do about 85% of my laundry. And that equates to about almost 90 pieces of clothing and that excludes my undergarments.
Oh, in my attempt to fill in my loneliness, I've joined a gym, and using all these negative energies that I have to work on my fitness regime. I am supposed to be on my track for my fitness regime but I only started now. And don't think I could be looking good in time for my birthday. Of which it will be about for weeks from now. I am thinking of doing a birthday bash. But then again, looking at my lists of friends, most of them are way too grown up to have a party. I mean, they have families and 'responsibilities' to have parties of which I had in my mind. I wanted to have a party where I can be myself and just do crazy-crazy stuff that I like. But then again, perhaps that's only wishful thinking. It might not happen at all.
So tomorrow, or better still, in 3 hours time, it will be a new week to go through. And in all seriousness, I need to get some rest. It has been a very long day for me. So until then...
Thus that was why I have been quiet lately. Actually, I have wrote three full blown beautifully written blog about loneliness, being ashamed of myself and taking my time. But I have deleted them because now since I have read them back, it will definitely throw you back and go, "What is he on about?"
So rather than making a complete idiot of myself, I kept quiet and took my time before I decided to write again. So being quiet, is when I'm either upset or there's nothing much to say, talk or discuss about the going-ons of my life at that current point of time.
So what made me so upset? Well, it's that fling that I had. I knew what I was into, but I let it overwhelm me. We haven't had the chance to meet because of our schedule and this weekend was a perfect time for us to meet, and suddenly, the fling, as if like a tease, played very hard to get. I'm over mind games, you see. Or maybe, my fling wasn't playing hard to get, then again, my fling, if you remembered was taken already. So perhaps, my fling was with the other half. I don't know. I let it get over me and got me upset. But I am no longer upset. I've decided to distance myself once and for all.
I'm starting to dislike love. Love gives you that false sense of security. That is what I hate most about love. It blinds, it numbs, lifts you up in the air and gave you that natural high, when all observers, know in reality, it wasn't and one is due to fall really bad and it was very obvious. We lose all logical sense and we fall for the trap each and every time. I am beginning to think that falling in love or loving someone is a waste of time. But at the same time I know it isn't. I fell in love and loved YKW for two good years so I know it wasn't a waste of time at all. And I appreciated the fact that we had loved each other and because of it, I have become a better man that I am now.
I'm not saying that I fell in love with my fling or was in any shape or form in love. But I do admit, I was nearly there. But it is fortunate for me, reality struck me before anything happens. And I'm glad, I got that 'nudge'. Thank goodness for me. So anyway, as I was saying before, I wrote a post about being lonely. Okay, please don't get me wrong, I am not seeking for sympathy, I don't want to be accused as a victim. But lately, I have been feeling awfully lonely. How lonely? I start to talk by myself while having my smoke. I talk to myself in the mirror, mostly scolding myself. I spend almost 18 hours on the internet playing games on Facebook. I don't go out much anymore. It is worrying and it is pathetic. And I need help. But being lonely has it's upside. I've managed to do about 85% of my laundry. And that equates to about almost 90 pieces of clothing and that excludes my undergarments.
Oh, in my attempt to fill in my loneliness, I've joined a gym, and using all these negative energies that I have to work on my fitness regime. I am supposed to be on my track for my fitness regime but I only started now. And don't think I could be looking good in time for my birthday. Of which it will be about for weeks from now. I am thinking of doing a birthday bash. But then again, looking at my lists of friends, most of them are way too grown up to have a party. I mean, they have families and 'responsibilities' to have parties of which I had in my mind. I wanted to have a party where I can be myself and just do crazy-crazy stuff that I like. But then again, perhaps that's only wishful thinking. It might not happen at all.
So tomorrow, or better still, in 3 hours time, it will be a new week to go through. And in all seriousness, I need to get some rest. It has been a very long day for me. So until then...
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