Kellaz, A Journal

(Note: This clip will take a few minutes to load) The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return - Moulin Rouge I'm a sucker for Moulin Rouge , tears seems to flow automatically when I watch this movie. To me it's got to be one of the most beautiful movie ever made and thus making it one of my favourite of all time. Call me sappy, but I guess, I relate to this movie when it comes to love. This post is dedicated to my best friend. I know that I have loved 'the one'. And it ended pretty badly but if I had to do it again, I would. I wouldn't change one bit, except for my promiscuous behaviour before. If I had the chance to turn back time and do it again, I will definitely do a lot of things a lot better. But I'm not saying I regret what I have done before, it is just that, looking back, I know I could have done better. But I suppose certain things are meant to be. Or not meant to be. But then again, this post is not about ...

THE KING OF POP is dead. Bla bla bla... If I am to drop dead right now, does anyone give a damn? Simple no is the answer... I admit I am a very cynical man. Coincidentally, I was thinking about death recently when I was playing with my mobile phone, I was looking at the days of my birthday for the next twenty years, but my fingers went on and on until the last available date on my phone which is 31st December 2069, and I thought to myself, good god, I should be dead by then... 2069, I would be 91 years old... very very scary. If I am not dead at that point in time, I would be suffering from severe dementia and be wearing diapers. Hopefully, I'll still look good, LOL. But I'm pretty much sure, I'll be dead by then. And if I had a choice to live forever, I'll pass on that offer. Living is hard. And resting in peace sounds like a pretty much a good idea. As a muslim, of course, death should not be taken lightly. There are a lot of prerequisites before death, an...

It is about to show 5a.m. and I can't sleep. I have been going online to play games on Facebook , watched T.V. and back again managing my restaurant on Facebook again. It's silly, but it does give me some sort of idea of how to run a restaurant. Well, almost. I watch two documentaries and one drama T.V. series. One about Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey and another about demolishing buildings by dynamite called Detonators . As you can see, I'm dead bored. But what interests me was when watching one of my favourite drama series, which is Brothers and Sisters . The story revolves around a mother who is a widower with her five children, three boys and two girls. Her brother happens to be going out with his late husband's mistress. This somewhat dysfunctional family is more or less like mine, great but a little out of the normality. And I guess, every family have their own dysfunction(s) or better described as quirkiness. Every family is different in their ow...

I had a talk with a friend, well, it wasn't so much of verbal talking, but it was a chat in MSN . She was trying to convince me to give "E" a try again or at least trying to convince me that all is not at loss... Before I tell you what had happened or what was said, is that, I have been hiding something from you i.e. my readers. But in fact, I didn't realize this until just very recently. I have realized that I am looking for love for all the wrong reason, for all of this time. Let me confess to you about something... And in a way, I'm letting this out of my chest once and for all. I have been writing about relationships and love and what-not all of these while. But I have been experiencing love and indirectly looking for relationships and love for all the wrong reason. Okay, brace yourself. I started to look (directly and indirectly) for love because I felt that I should find love first after my break up with my ex, YKW . That's because I had a huge...

After a week long (well, it a little more than a week) of my disappearance, I am back to home. I arrived yesterday about 7p.m. greeted by my youngest sister. I usually have a summary for every Bangkok trip, as each trip is always different from the last trip. So if I could summarise this trip, I would call it an Angelic Trip. Okay, what is so angelic about this trip, so brace yourself on this one, those who knows me wouldn't believe it. This trip, I didn't go to pubs, clubs or any naughty places. I was a perfect angel. Utter angel and such a good boy. No, not because I am going with my brother and his wife, but because, I wanted it to be different. And perhaps, just checking if I am tough and adamant by controlling my lust and other things (LOL, of course, let's not dwell there) LOL... But there were plenty of times when the devil inside leaps and try to make bad bad things to happen, but I guess, the angel in me is still strong. So anyway, I did a little sight see...

It is three in the morning, and I just got home. I've change the blog title. I think I'm no longer a journalist wannabe. I am a journalist, a journalist of my own life. It is what it is, just a journal of me. Kellaz . I came back from Taurean The Arch , celebrated my brother's belated birthday. It was nice to see him blush, as he didn't expected it. His birthday was last week when I was offshore. So I gathered my siblings around and surprised him with a cake. It was good, and fun, the table around us were also singing Happy Birthday as well and ended it with a loud applause. June is a month like no other, six of my family members celebrate their birthday in this month. Every fortnight at the weekends, I treat my siblings dinner. My brother told me that there are times when my siblings felt uncomfortable that I am always paying for dinner. The truth is, I don't mind paying dinner at all, no matter what the cost is. Because there are certain things in lif...

You may have realised that I've changed my imeem song on this blog. It's from the latest track by PeterPan (An indonesian band) with the title "Tak Ada Yang Abadi" (Translation: Nothing that is Forever; better translated as Nothing lasts Forever). I downloaded this song from a CD album that ironically "E" left in my car system. I am not usually the kind of guy who listens to malay songs, not that I have anything against them, it's just not the norm for me. But when I do, I only play songs that I am familiar with, and skip the rest. When I was offshore, I downloaded the album in my iPod and set the iPod on shuffle and just listen to whatever the iPod decided to play. That is when I heard this song for the first time. This will make me sound like a sissy, but I cried my eyes out, listening to this track. I cried because this song speaks the honest truth that people including myself won't admit to. It speaks the truth. No matter what. Yeah,...

I have been approached via comments and MSN chats, to reconsider with regards to ending my blog. Babe , an avid reader said " Your blog is where I get a little drama in my life" . "N" , a cyber reader/mentor said "Please reconsider" . And YKW said "It's not me" . I guess, if there is anything I owe in this blog, is that I owe my readers an explanation to why I have decided to end this blog. In contrary to most beliefs, that I am going through something, that makes me wanting to end it. True is some aspect, but just the main reason. Besides having a writer's block and lacking of things to say, I thought it was time to let go. Somehow, this blog have been my security blanket for more than a year now, it is my personal confidant and my sounding board. But at the same time, I feel, I'm not growing, mentally and emotionally because of it. How come, you may ask? Well, I don't know, but I just don't feel it's teaching m...

Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been thinking a lot. I am thinking of ending this blog. So this could be the last post. I've got nothing much to say. Until then. Ciao.

I'm offshore now. Things are not really going so well. There have been some kind of conflict going on, and I'm going to have to solve this somehow. The conflict involves my colleague who is here at the moment, I was hoping that he would be around somehow, I still need to brainwash my colleague, it seems that there are some indications that he is not capable of doing the task at hand. ...logged off... I logged off because as usual, the internet connection offshore sucks. I am trying my best to figure out what can I do to make things go well here. Hopefully I could restore things the way they were. Enough about work. On personal note, I feel quite lonely here, well, I'm not alone that's for sure, but somehow this place, feels foreign to me. Everybody treated me like they used to, as if nothing had changed, some asked why I had returned and such, and I explained that I am relieving my colleague who is taking leave at the moment. But I feel lonely somehow. Let me t...

Brunei is having an extended holiday, because of the Royal Brunei Armed Forces Anniversary which falls on every 31st May and coincidentally falling on the weekend, thus an extended weekend. Most people take this chance to go abroad or enjoying an extended family time together. However it is not the same as what's going on with me. Despite the long weekend, I will be going offshore to relief my colleague. It will be quite difficult this time round because it has been a while since I last went offshore, but I take this opportunity, to do some work. (logged off) - written on Sunday (31st May 2009) Again, without fail, I logged off, because I got distracted with other things, and here I am still onshore. There are a reason for this. Last night I left bandar to sleep over at my "brother's" place in KB . Before that I was running a few errands and buying some stuff to bring offshore. I had dinner with "E" and then went back home because I forgot to bring m...