What's Love Got To Do With It?

I had a talk with a friend, well, it wasn't so much of verbal talking, but it was a chat in MSN. She was trying to convince me to give "E" a try again or at least trying to convince me that all is not at loss...

Before I tell you what had happened or what was said, is that, I have been hiding something from you i.e. my readers. But in fact, I didn't realize this until just very recently. I have realized that I am looking for love for all the wrong reason, for all of this time. Let me confess to you about something... And in a way, I'm letting this out of my chest once and for all. I have been writing about relationships and love and what-not all of these while. But I have been experiencing love and indirectly looking for relationships and love for all the wrong reason.

Okay, brace yourself. I started to look (directly and indirectly) for love because I felt that I should find love first after my break up with my ex, YKW. That's because I had a huge void of insecurity or emptiness inside me and I thought that by having a relationship first, that, will soften the blow for myself once my ex started a new relationship, but then, it failed, over and over again, flat on my face. And now, of course as people do move on with their lives, they indeed fall in love again, and so, my ex did start a new relationship. And I was still looking for love, just because I didn't want to feel left out. It nearly felt like a competition. Although in reality I was just competing with my insecurities.

The honest truth, and as painful it is for me to admit, I'm not over my ex. My ex had become that half of myself that I find myself half empty and now, I'm looking for love to fill that emptiness inside. But no. That's wrong. My friend also told me that we're all made in halves thus other people make us complete. I couldn't disagree more. No. We're not made in halves, and we don't need others to make us feel complete. No. No. No. We are complete. A complete unit. And we don't need others to make us feel good about ourselves or to feel love. We need to love ourselves first, before loving others (a bit like that safety bit they told you in case oxygen is needed in the aircraft cabin, "secure your own mask first, before helping others.. LOL)

I just remembered a quote by Savage Garden - Affirmation, "I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone". And those words rings true.

I forgot. I forgot what it feels like to be by myself, alone, tough and strong, inside out. That's why I feel like I have been limping all these time, because my ex was my emotional crutch. I depended too much on my ex. I gave everything to my ex, thus the emotional handicap. From a full unit of me, I've halved myself. So, I thought to myself, it is true, I'm looking for love for all the wrong reasons. All the wrong reasons. I was subconsciously looking for that crutch again. I need to stand on my own again. Complete and strong. A complete unit. I need to start loving myself again. I am not done grieving for the love I lost. I need an emotional makeover.

Worst of all, the outcome of my emotional handicap, was that, it is totally and utterly unfair for the other person. To make them fill in that void, that emptiness. Wanting them so much to be that crutch and when expectations couldn't be met, emotions flared and disappointment follows close behind. I am content now, well almost. I'm still unsure about my strength of how much I can stand on my own. But as they say, practice makes perfect. I've got to learn to be heartless. Not in the negative sense, but more of numbing myself from love. Build a wall as one friend used to say. An emotional wall. So as the title goes, "What's love got to do with it?" The answer to that is anything but me. Spot on. As love is concerned, I need to love myself more, each day, everyday. Grieve or cry if I have to, but I need to stand strong, by myself.

I write this post in a joyful manner, and I hope when you read this, it doesn't sound depressing and lonely or sad. This is me, trying to encourage every atom of my being to be independent and free. This is a good thing. I will know when the time comes for a new true love to arrive. But for now, I shall mourn and grief as much as I can, stand up and accept new adventures that lies before me. This is truly a time to celebrate.

Oh yeah, I would like to thank, my friend which I mention in the first paragraph for making me realize it more, when she tried to convince me more. I suppose, sometimes, emptiness is a good thing... Until then...