Change of Title and a Celebration

It is three in the morning, and I just got home.

I've change the blog title. I think I'm no longer a journalist wannabe. I am a journalist, a journalist of my own life. It is what it is, just a journal of me. Kellaz.

I came back from Taurean The Arch, celebrated my brother's belated birthday. It was nice to see him blush, as he didn't expected it. His birthday was last week when I was offshore. So I gathered my siblings around and surprised him with a cake. It was good, and fun, the table around us were also singing Happy Birthday as well and ended it with a loud applause. June is a month like no other, six of my family members celebrate their birthday in this month.

Every fortnight at the weekends, I treat my siblings dinner. My brother told me that there are times when my siblings felt uncomfortable that I am always paying for dinner. The truth is, I don't mind paying dinner at all, no matter what the cost is. Because there are certain things in life that money just can't buy. Tonight is quite warm, combined with our continuous laughter, we ended the night in sweat and tears of laughter. The reason why I do this, is because, when siblings grow up, build their own family, in most cases, due to their busy lifestyles, we grow apart. The least with this gathering every now and again, we could sustain a good sibling relationship in the long run.

But nothing lasts forever, right? I'm trying to live life as it is. I kept on repeating to myself, I must, I must, I must try. The least, this temporary laughter and happiness keeps my empty heart company for a while. Just recently, I chatted in MSN with Babe, a friend and a reader. She knows how I feel, which made me feel a little better, knowing that I am not alone with this emptiness inside. Some people tell us to just move on. But it's easier said than done. No one wants to live with this emptiness inside them. No one. But there are times when there's nothing that could fill that void. And we bear this pain alone.

Friends and family are the few things that keeps me going for now. Other than that, I don't have much going on for me. I try to keep myself busy with a tight schedule of hangouts with friends and family. Just today, I had lunch with my friends from pre-uni college, whom I shared lives with for two years in the college hostel. It was a good gathering. I also hope this would continue.

Starting tomorrow, I might not be able to update my blog as often. I will be in Bangkok for a few days. I'm accompanying my brother and his wife to Bangkok. This trip reminds me of the past. I wish I could forget the past. The more I am reminded by the past, the emptier it feels inside and the pain grows and it feels like a stake struck right through the heart. Nothing lasts right? I always remind myself that. A little pessimism is required. I'm adapting to be a realist.

I haven't started packing yet. I normally travel minimal. I buy almost everything when I am abroad, except for toiletries, of course. My brother, his wife and I might probably go to the island outside Bangkok. I might need it. I need a break from my life. I need a new life. Because this life I'm living truly sucks. Sometimes, I wish I could wake up one day, with no recollection of my life for the last three years. I would wake up tough, strong and free, the man I was. It is not that I want to forget because it is full of heartache, but it's the other way round. The life I lead for the last few years were so wonderful, thus I would love to forget it. When I remember them, I break down. Ironic, isn't it?

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Until then...