Kellaz, A Journal

And yes, I used a dictionary to come up with that.  No harm in increasing my vocabulary capacity.  In case you're wondering, flummoxed can be defined as perplexed or confused; bewildered. And that was the reason for my lack of updates, confused, bedazzled up to the point of blockage.  Writer's block.  On a blog.  LOL!  Lame, I know.  I did wrote a couple of times, but I didn't publish it, it was just a paragraph or two and then I lost interest.  Some of the things I wanted to write was too convoluted and needed quite an explanation which, in the end, made me lost interest. I was offshore for one whole week and now I am back.  I just came back hanging out with my siblings and their spouses.  It was good seeing them again.  I kindda miss them but, not really, but it was a good hang out.  Everybody was a little quiet, so I let my laptop to die out and had a good chat with them.  I suppose even we didn't hang out that ofte...

Note: This post was written, I can't even remember when I started writing this, it was a few days ago... maybe, 4 days ago?  But anyway, I'm going to continue on this post...  We've learnt from the monkey story. We've learnt from experience.  We've learnt from observation.  We've learnt from others.  We've learnt from advices that was given to us.  We've learnt from examples.  We've learnt about it all. But yet we repeat the same mistakes.  Why am I on about this?  Well, I am about to embark on an dilemma with obvious consequences.  I think  I know the ending, I may know the result, but yet, I find myself drawn into this dilemma.  I once said, stupidity is best defined as consciously making the same mistake again and again.  So am I  being stupid?  I am referring to the flirt.  I somehow find myself being drawn into it.  I can't seem to stop thinking about my flirt.  If you can recall, the one ...

Remember in my last post?  There was a post-script (p.s) at the end? Sensitivity have reduced to absolute chaos.  Here's the story, and I'll write it as a child's book.  Let's just say, there's a male monkey and a female monkey.  Male monkey had made female monkey sick and was treated in monkey hospital.  The tribe of this female monkey calls male monkey to face up what had happened.  Male monkey asked monkey me to help him face up.  Male monkey faced up.  Problem is, this male monkey... is married.  This story, ends there.  But...  a few days later wife monkey found out.  And whole hell broke lose. I am merely the observer here.  I feel bad for wife monkey, I feel I am an accessory to the crime male monkey had made.  I know wife monkey very well.  Fortunately, I think, (an assumption) wife monkey is not mad at me.  I've made my peace with wife monkey.  Nevertheless, being part of this parody, I fee...

Live life to the fullest!  I know some of you would say "Hell yeah!" to that... But do we?  Something I told my best friend today.  "To be honest, I am at the bottom of the wheel.  I am way depressed than you can see me right now.  But laughing and smiling and pushing my thoughts and depression to the back of my mind helps.  It won't solve it, but it helps."  And to add to the misery, I met and talked to YKW today, who is about to go on a date... Ouch!  But let bygones be bygones eh?  I should be over it, but still ouch.  Anyway it seems... people seemed cheerier on my dark moments.  Karma.  What a bitch! But then again, I watched an HBO series tonight, called Hung.  A man who was athletic, a pro-basketball player, famous and popular at one point, but he succumb to his injuries at his middle age.  Unfortunately he's got no talent whatsoever besides his ability to play basketball.  And somehow he turned to the...

It is the weekend.  And weekend is the time when we drop down our hair, let out all the stress that was driving you nuts during the weekday. I consider myself lucky as I have the ability to take two consecutive days as my weekend.  Saturdays and Sundays.  The majority of the population in Brunei works in the Government sectors as civil servants and they have split weekends.  Fridays and Sundays.  By which in my personal opinion, inefficient as they have two days of 'winding down' moments. It is by experience and observation that the working community tend to 'wind down' on the last few hours of closing business (up to half a day), knowing the day after will be a weekend.  Then again, it depends on the nature of work/business, in my office particularly, things pick up pretty hectic during the last few hours of business.  The reason being, most of my colleagues, (anybody really) hate to get work phone calls during the weekend, so every loose end be t...

I'm feeling depressed.  Lately. I try to keep my mood up most of the time, trying to push my thoughts behind.  But when I am on my own, I get an anxiety attack.  Just a short and quick one.  Sometimes it feels like bursting into tears all of a sudden.  No tears were shed.  Yet. Yesterday, Billy and I had our New Year barbeque.  Just the two of us, food enough for two or perhaps three, sitting by the porch. Food was spread out on a throw-over and two lit candles.  The candles were just for ambience.  And it was fun.  It was fantastic how two bored guys can pull up something like that.  Barbecued chicken, sardines, eggplant (yuck!) carrots and onions was the menu.  And some deliciously crispy french fries.  It was simple.  We just talking about how we have spent the new year, reminiscing the past and talks of the future.  It was great.  And it ended nicely over a improvised beverage. Who ever knew that I c...

When oneself had spent their time on their own most of the time, one might easily think too much of their past and their future.  And for the past few days, I have been doing just that. I thought about things I wish I could change, things that I would change and things I can change.  For the things I can change are still in progress.  Changes that significantly transform me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I think I have shared this with you in my previous post.  Last night was particular a restless night for me.  Like I mention in my previous post, all I have been doing after work was sleep and woke up usually around midnight, wide awake, only to fall asleep close to dawn.  Last night was no different.  I remembered before I had these series of relationship even pre-YKW, I used to sleep in the middle of my bed, post-YKW, I seemed to sleep on 'my' side of the bed.  It's weird, and I just thought of it that night.  Why do I k...

I started writing this post a few days ago.  It went as far as just the heading.  I wrote the post heading on Monday as I wanted to tell you about my first day at work i.e. first day in 2010 and working back in the office.  When I finished my offshore shift last year, I geared up my mindset to wake up early every morning and visualise a daily working day routine.  And I admit I am still trying to gear up to the routine, it's feels weird, somehow.  I have not been doing this for almost a couple of years.  And to start wearing 'real' work clothes, feels weird, it's like dejavu which I have never had.  Something like that.  Just different. Speaking of gearing up, it has been a while since I last wore my work shirt, and guess what?  I didn't fit any of them, yes they fit nice on top but around the abdominal area, it's a problematic area.  LOL.  Only today, I found one shirt that just fits nicely.  I forgot that most o...

".... If more than that, I pull out".  That was the last text message from SA. Disappointment theme still going on to this year.  I started writing a simple text message. "Am I needed?" "Sorry, I guess you notice I've got a problem of spending my time with you.  You wanna take me out?"   "It's okay, I just want to know if I have been clapping with one hand.  Just put me on my place so I can stop hoping" "Sorry again, you know I'm away most of the time, relationship area, I can't touch.  That's my shortcoming" "Is that an answer or an excuse?  Don't get me wrong. I'm not demanding anything.  Just wanted to know where I am standing" "It's an answer.  As friends, I'm okay, if more than that, I'm pulling out" "Thanks" So that's it.  Friends.  It always had been friends.  I had hopes, not high, some hopes that we could somehow work something tog...