In the Gutter

I'm feeling depressed.  Lately.

I try to keep my mood up most of the time, trying to push my thoughts behind.  But when I am on my own, I get an anxiety attack.  Just a short and quick one.  Sometimes it feels like bursting into tears all of a sudden.  No tears were shed.  Yet.

Yesterday, Billy and I had our New Year barbeque.  Just the two of us, food enough for two or perhaps three, sitting by the porch. Food was spread out on a throw-over and two lit candles.  The candles were just for ambience.  And it was fun.  It was fantastic how two bored guys can pull up something like that.  Barbecued chicken, sardines, eggplant (yuck!) carrots and onions was the menu.  And some deliciously crispy french fries.  It was simple.  We just talking about how we have spent the new year, reminiscing the past and talks of the future.  It was great.  And it ended nicely over a improvised beverage. Who ever knew that I could make jasmine green tea, minty?!  LOL. (personal joke)

Yesterday and tonight, was the only night I have spent awake this week.  The last few days, was spent sleeping out of exhaustion. Billy told me that he'd wanted to put the barbie for the both of us before the new year, but I thought he was joking.  But indeed, he was actually serious about it.  I must admit that I ruined the ambience by being a little bit quiet.  I was a little bit off.  Which brings me back to my point before I talked about the barbeque thingy.  I supposed that I'm a little depressed because I know for sure that I feel lonely and again, I suppose the level of loneliness that I am experiencing is at it's extremities.  I abstain and isolate myself.  For example, even though I live with my brother.  I only saw him yesterday.  And only tonight he brought me out for dinner.

I don't know what to do.  I know I'm feeling lonely.  And bored.  Out of my mind.  I wanted to do things, but I can't afford leisures and luxuries.  For example, I wanted to join a gym, but I can't afford it now.  I wanted to run, but I can't afford the time, as I am abnormally tired when I get home.  Or perhaps, I am making excuses.  But in my defence, let's just say, additional funds and time are in limitations at the moment.  So I'm thinking of doing something, it's just that I don't know what it is at the moment.

Browsing through facebook didn't even help.  I see pictures of friends and family having outings, get together, vacations and holidays...  I envy them.  I feel I'm wasting space on earth by being alive.  No, I'm not suicidal, but it just feels that I lack purpose.  Purpose in life.  Pah, forget it, that's too deep, I'm just ranting unnecessarily.  But it's true, along that line, but not quite.  I'm getting weird.  I know.

So anyway, that's my life at the moment.  And yeah, finished my first week at work i.e. office today, though I came very very late to work, damn Jasmine Tea!  LOL...  But I finished all of my work in just 2 hours and just sat quietly until it was time to go home.  It was a nugatory day.

I know this is just another worthless post of a journal.  I hope this dry spell ends soon.  Until then...