Kellaz, A Journal

I have been quiet for the past couple of days.  There's nothing much to write about the going-ons in my life at the moment, it's pretty much boring or plain.  Work, meeting, eat, run, watch movie, sleep... I will be going home this Sunday, because I have to attend a scaffolding course on Monday and Tuesday.  I'll be back offshore on Wednesday.  I will be staying in KB at my brother's place.  I don't want to stay in Bandar (city) because I don't want to accidentally meet 'you-know-who' (which is my ex and shall now be referred as YKW, because ex just sounds so... ex..., so past tense and sad) No, I'm not mad at YKW , in fact, it's the other way round, I'm afraid of my feelings and afraid of what I would see.  What would I see, you may ask...  I'm afraid or be hurtful to see the 'I-am-so-happy-without-you' or 'I've-moved-on' episode.  Okay, I know that sounds selfish, it's like asking someone not to move on.  But ...

KL.  Check.  Bangkok.  Check. I will be on a trip.  Away from all of this , when I come back onshore.  I need a break.  I need a relaxation, thus this shall be my getaway. It will be my first time traveling to KL using a budget airline.  Obviously I'm going on a budget.  I'm building a home too soon, so must cut cost down as much as possible.  And my tickets to Bangkok too has been booked, not on a budget airline, purely because there isn't a budget airline route there.   It's daunting somehow.  I don't know why.  This trip feels a little different than I'm used to.  Somehow.  But I'm excited at the same time.  Mixed emotions, I must say.  It also has been a while since I last went to KL.  I suppose it's almost two years ago.  Oh, I'm also going to Kemaman, Terengganu to Aidee's hometown.  We'll be spending a few days in KL too.   Aidee has been raving about Kenyir Lake, the largest lake in West Malaysia.  He said he hasn't been there...

I forgot how breezy life is being offshore. Today I got to do some work, attend 5p.m. meetings and run and everything is back to routine. I also thought a lot about moving on.  I'm not ready to move on, although moving on is inevitable.  I think, I shall stay like this i.e. being routine.  My scars on my wrist has cleared up totally, thinking of making new scars, in actual fact, I did found myself a cutter and contemplating to cut my arms again, but before you think or judge me, I don't intend to kill myself again.  I just want to make a little cut, to make the emotional pain a little less hurtful.  I know it's weird but, I think I'm 'addicted' to self inflicted pain...  Just a physical pain or scarring to make the emotional pain a little less hurt.  But I might not do it, but then again, I might... It's silly, stupid and unnecessary, I know, but that's how I feel about it. I suppose everybody has their own way to deal with their emotional pain.  Some pr...

I'm proud of myself today, I'm almost back to my fitness level that I wanted to, although my run is still considered slow, I ran the whole 10kms in 65 minutes.  I'm happy with that.  I kept running and running, by the eighth kilometer, I was really really tired and I felt like I wanted to stop.  But I told myself, "it wouldn't be long, it wouldn't be long, just keep running man".  I persevered. I love to run.  It clears my mind up.  I love running outdoors much more than running on the treadmill.  You know, the wind in my hair or scalp, that is.  The breeze it creates as you cut through air.  I've been slacking off on my running, it's shameful, I know.  A few years ago, I lost a  significant amount of weight by running, at one point I lost 30kgs, basically one third of me.  But now, I've gained a lot, because of my slacking off, I've gained more than 10kgs during the past two years, am hoping to lose at least 10kgs of my weight back to my ...

I can't sleep and my heart is beating fast and strong.  Something feels wrong, something's not right, I can feel it. I feel restless.  I feel anxious.  Am I having a panic attack? So I'm going to write about anything now, let me rant, okay?  Well, you're still reading, so I suppose you're gonna listen to what I'm going to rant anyway...  Okay, this is what I feel right now, I feel unspeakably lonely, I feel abandon for some reason, I feel like I'm in a bubble and if I scream no one would hear me.  I've never had this feeling before.  It's weird.  It feels like someone had just kick me in the stomach and kick me right at my nuts.  I feel like crying.  I'm going crazy, aren't I?  I'm crazy right?  I also feel like someone had just stabbed me right through my heart with a red glowing steel bar.  It's silly but that's how I feel right now.  Truth to be told, I feel suicidal, but I'm not going to do that... yet or ever... I don...

Today, I didn't wake up in the morning, I woke up hungry at 3p.m. because I was not feeling well. I also got an email from my ex, I don't know what I am going to do with it, I didn't delete it, but I didn't open it either.  I'm afraid that the email with hurt my feelings but I also don't know that it won't hurt my feelings.  It is still there in the inbox.  In the subject of the email it says "I don't want to upset you anymore" .  I know my ex, when my ex says that, it's usually the opposite.  And I'm truly trying to get over it and not get upset about it.  What shall I do? I'm afraid to move on, that I have to admit, I received a comment from my previous blog about moving on.  It sounds easier than done.  However, that is what I am doing, slowly but surely.  I've  also been accused for being selfish for not wanting to commit and asking my ex be single forever...  Surely, I never did said that, in my defence.  But one thing for ...

Yesterday, after a few rounds of playing cards of 'sam-chung' game.  I decided to run.   The gym was vacant.  So I had  a good time on my own running.  At the 7th kms, I heard my name being paged on the public announcement...  I called the control room, and he told me to call a number, which I thought to be my housemate.  So I thought, oh well, it wouldn't be that urgent.  Then I continued running again on the treadmill.  About a few minutes later, Aidee and Kafi (one of the trainees) came with a piece of paper, and they told me that a relative called telling me there's a death of someone in the family..  I immediately packed my stuff up and ran to my room, I recognised the number.  My second cousin's number. I called him up, and he told me that his grandfather passed away that evening and wanted me to inform my parents about it.  I called up my dad to no avail, so I had to call my sister, she told me she knew about the news and was about to leave the house with...