Panic Attack?

I can't sleep and my heart is beating fast and strong.  Something feels wrong, something's not right, I can feel it.

I feel restless.  I feel anxious.  Am I having a panic attack?

So I'm going to write about anything now, let me rant, okay?  Well, you're still reading, so I suppose you're gonna listen to what I'm going to rant anyway...  Okay, this is what I feel right now, I feel unspeakably lonely, I feel abandon for some reason, I feel like I'm in a bubble and if I scream no one would hear me.  I've never had this feeling before.  It's weird.  It feels like someone had just kick me in the stomach and kick me right at my nuts.  I feel like crying.  I'm going crazy, aren't I?  I'm crazy right?  I also feel like someone had just stabbed me right through my heart with a red glowing steel bar.  It's silly but that's how I feel right now.  Truth to be told, I feel suicidal, but I'm not going to do that... yet or ever... I don't know... I'm screwed.

My ex screwed me up pretty well I suppose.  No, I'm not saying that it was intentional but I'm emotionally unstable i.e. screwed up!  Right?  I hate this feeling, I have this urge to just hit someone, I have this anger that I kept boxed up in me.  Sigh!  Help!

I'm trying hard to focus on my writing, keep my thoughts out here.  To express it out here, but I feel like I can't.  I feel like I need a manicure and a pedicure all of a sudden.  Oh, I realise something about myself, every time I take a deep breath, my breath shudder like I've just cried even though I haven't been crying.  I feel like running too...  I miss my parents.  I miss my niece and nephews.  I miss, gawd, I miss my ex.  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  I'm so eff-ing stupid.  I feel like opening my ex's email, but I feel like it's opening up Pandora's box.  I got a comment which I deleted, asking me how would I know that my ex going to upset me without me opening it.  To answer that, is I know.  I know my ex.  I know my ex well.  My ex has this ability to... oh I'm not going to talk about my ex.  I don't want to write it here and my ex will just read it as if I purposely am trying to insult.  Just trust me, I know my ex.  Well.

Argh!  I'll just delete it.  Because I know there's nothing nice left to write about me from my ex.  Some people think I'm selfish, some people think I'm manipulative, so I bet that's what's inside it.  Probably some more demand of something from me.  I don't know, I'm all assuming this, but that's not what I can handle right now, you know, being not in the right state of mind.  I don't want to risk it.  I'm already fragile as it already is.  I'm not ready.

Phew, I think I'm fine now...  I done ranting...  Thanks for listening anyway, I hope you can just dismiss what you read.  It's just some stupid ranting... but thanks for listening.  I appreciate it.  Yeah, Kellaz is going mad.  But on a positive note, I think Kellaz is just trying to make sense of the world again.  Look at me, I'm referring myself as a third party.  How pathetic and crazy is that?  Alright... I'm done.  Again thanks.  

Until then, C'est la vie...