Inspired by Readers and Dad

Yesterday, I went to my Auntie's place to break fast, she and her family always do this during the Ramadan period, calling all relatives and friends and have a doa selamat and tahlil for his late son. His son is about my age, but he passed away in 2000 in a car crash. Sometimes I sometimes feel like my aunt is looking at me in a weird sad way, it used to be that way but it's getting lesser as years goes by. My cousin who passed away is the only cousin of my age group. It's sad to think about it, he's is much closer to my brother than I am, but when we were growing up as kids, he was quite close to me, then again, he loved to bully the big fat kid. That's me, of course, but nevertheless close. If he is still around, he would be married with at least 3 kids and happy. But then again, as everything life has to offer, life surely have to go on.

I received a comment from a reader with regards to my last post. I don't usually talk about people who gave comments but then again, her words of wisdom did took me to new heights, but not really. I'll paste some of her comments here, "There is Hikmah to everything... and I have learnt that in life, people have reasons for doing what they did even sometimes if others will never understand or accept. These reasons were usually valid and emotionally correct and the right decision for that person (or their other half) at that moment in time. There will come time, where we ourselves will face the same dilemma and times where people will be mad or hate us for making what they thought to be irrational. Again quoting a great friend who just left a few days ago, "the best give you could give to others, is the best you could want or have for yourself" but "what is best for you, might not be the best for others."

Very deep I must admit, and insightful. The reason why I brought it up was because, it was exactly what I brought up with my dad when I was driving him to the event yesterday. We were discussing about my mum and my siblings and how he felt helpless with the situation going on at home. I told my dad, "The simple truth why I left home is exactly that. I'm feel helpless back at home. I can't help them anymore, I'll be there as much as I can, I'll help as much as I can but the rest, I just don't know what to do. The reason why I came home is not because I forgive nor have I forgotten, but it's just because no matter what you will always be my dad, and mum will always be my mum and the both of you will always be my parents". My dad agrees with me. The situation at home which is personal for me to blab on this blog is at the moment going through some kind of saturation, where the problems that exist still exist but ignored like there is nothing going on. Denial perhaps but that's the way it is.

On my personal opinion upon things, I've given up on my family, seriously I am. I feel exactly like my dad, we feel hopeless and helpless, we couldn't do anything more, and the more we get involved with the problems, the more helpless we get and the more it seems that you're the bad guy. Like that popular saying, "You can bring the water to the horse, but the horse has to drink it, itself". There's nothing much I could do to help the situation unless they help themselves. I've also told my dad, "I'm not acting all perfect and almighty with the situation and problem, I'm not perfect and I know I have my own mistakes and I know they bitch about it, but the thing about me not going home is not my fault. They drove me away." My dad gave a simple nod and said "I understand, I wish I could too".

And today, I broke fast with my two brothers and my brother-in-law. We ate out at my usual hangout place, the rest of the family (sister and sisters-in-laws plus nephews and nieces) joined on another table inside the restaurant because it was full inside. It was really nice to have dinner with them. Oh, I also met up with a guy today, about a land, but the information that he had with him was limited so I couldn't imagine what was going on with the land area he was talking about. I have a few lands and landlords to meet, fortunately maybe it's the gift of Ramadan, things are easy to find this time round.

There's nothing much to report with regards to my OH. We're just taking it easy together and enjoying the time that we have, this is one relationship which I feel that we don't spend enough time together, but I'm not too much bothered about it. The thing is I understand or at least I try to understand. I am not feeling well recently, and I am sure it's not because I have been fasting, it's just that I have fevers and feeling hot and cold all the time. I always feel like puking out, but I never do, that's because I hold it in, some people tell, puking helps, but seriously, puke? I like food one way from my mouth to my stomach, not the other way round.