Jealousy and Suspicion

I've done my fair share of blind jealousy and suspicion of my lovers. And they have done the same to me. But this new... I don't know what it should be called, dare I say, relationship? Took jealousy and suspicion to another level.

No one likes to be treated like some kind of criminal. No one likes to be suspected as a criminal. No one likes the second or third degree or any amount of degree, that is. Usually, at this point, I would have already run a mile from the first hint of jealousy and suspicion or should I add here, insecurities. But I'm afraid of running, I'm just way to tired for everything and anything. I'll work something out, and if it fails, it fails. I'm just tired. I'm not a teenager trying to work out a new relationship, I've been there, we all have been there, do we really want to repeat it again?

Something has got to give sometimes. Give and take, that's all what it needs. But sometimes, in this new 'journey' I'm embarking, I feel like I'm giving, giving, giving, a little take, but not what I wanted, or was done out of 'have to's. This new journey has lots of no-goes, no this, no that, not that either, don't do this, don't do that, don't do that either... You get what I mean right? No, seems to be the new catch phrase. No. What's weird, is that, I'm sticking by it this time. Maybe, I'm just going to watch and wait where this could lead me, maybe I'm in love (god forbid!), maybe I'm that desperate, maybe I'm needy, maybe I just couldn't be ask. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

However, this next paragraph is somewhat expected by at least one reader of this blog. My ex, YKW. After ten long months, we finally cross paths. It was unexpected and it was quite a surprise. During the encounter, I just couldn't speak much, all I could hear was my the beating of my heart, beating really fast and really loud. It was practically beating in my ears. What's worst was, when we crossed paths, we were seated next to each other. We exchanged a few words, but I tried really hard to avoid eye contact. Two reasons really, first, I can't explain why, but I was nervous and secondly, I wanted to laugh. I just couldn't accept the time and place or if any, the irony of it all, it's just too funny for me all at the same time. But I couldn't wait to get away from that place, as soon as my turn was up, I went out. Having five stick of cigarettes finally calm my nerves down.

The thing is, it shouldn't bother me. But then again, that was the first time we met after we broke up. I guess, I'd know how to react the next time, IF we ever cross paths again. Anyway, coming back to the topic of jealousy and suspicions, it makes me feel constrained, suffocated and suffocated. (I know I said that twice!) I don't know what to make of it. We've talked, well, sort of, it's just that sometimes, the topic can be sensitive and personal, that I just don't want to make a big fuss out of it. The underlying factor is just insecurities, wanting to control fate and having no faith for the other person. I've learnt to control myself, but can this new.... I don't know, it's definitely not a date anymore... this new other half? I'm not sure, but I hope it's uphill after this...

Sorry, that I couldn't be specific on this post, it's just that, I don't really want to dwell too much on the negativity of things, I guess, at this point in time, I'm even tired to describe the negatives... Anyway, until then....