Once I Wish Upon A Star...

If you once had wished something, and it came true. Wouldn't that be the best thing ever?!!

Would it? Think about it... Would it be the best thing ever?!! There's also a saying, "be careful what you wish for, because it may come true".

I would love to write more about it, but once upon a time, I did wish something to happen. But it never did. Years have gone by... Year after a year, after a year... and just like that. BAM!!! It came true. And I'm stuck in this wonderful rut. And I don't know what to do. I really want this, I really do, I really, really do, but that means, I'd have to take everything what I have said back. (long pause....)

Damn it, after thinking about it, what the hell... Here goes... Years ago, so many years ago, I had this crush, and it wasn't just a crush, it wasn't infatuation, it wasn't lust, I fell in love from the first sight. I kept it to myself and wished that I could be with my crush one day. Years have passed and I forgot about it, I knew it was impossible... As things go... We move on. Life goes on. And when I came back offshore a few days ago... We crossed paths again after all these years, we re-connected and talked, basically we caught up with things... And my feelings came up again... In short, I am head over heels. I secretly wanted things to go awkward, wanted things to be different, perhaps I want things to pass as my wish had become... But no. It was perfect. Damn!!! I'm seriously out of words. Perfect doesn't even come close to it. Surreal. It was surreal. What's worst... My wish came true, exactly as it was. It came true.

But what happened to my determination of a single life? Hang on, let's pull back and put our thinking caps on. In all honesty, I don't even know where to start. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm so happy, no, surprised, no, excited, no, I don't know, there's an explosion in this heart with happiness, that I just couldn't put to words. Maybe, I'm blinded by my own adrenaline rush. But today have got to be one of the happiest day of my life. Why wouldn't it be? My wish came true. Even though I am on cloud nine at the moment, I am being realistic about it. I am being rational about it. The thing is, realistically, rationally, it's going no where but great, no wonderful, no, just simply perfect. Argh! Irony, I hate you!!!

I will keep reminding to not get ahead of myself. I am just afraid that my own happiness will one day lead me to my own grave. So I'm calming myself down.

These paragraphs above were written on Thursday in the early hours.

And I'm writing this in the present. Okay, it's absolutely good that I have reconnected to my old crush and things are still going well. However, coming to the weekend, things have changed a bit. Let's me put it in this way. I am playing a poker game on a couple of table. One table, I'm putting my cards down. But it seems that the other person on that table seemed reluctant to play, but at the same time giving me signals, perhaps the game is still on, might play... or maybe not... I'm confused. On the other table, I am not putting my cards down, because I'm not sure if the other person would like to play at all. But giving me vague signals or interest of wanting to play. That is my situation right now.

If I have my way, I would stick to one table who is willing to play cards with me. No signals. So at least I am playing on one table, putting my effort, energy and time on one game. Love, however is not a game. (... pause ...) Did you realise what I had just wrote? I wrote 'love'. Yeah, I'm in love alright, but not just yet. My crush have shown mixed signals with me. And actually I have another crush but that crush seemed impossible to go ahead due to personal reason (my cowardice) . But I'm trying as much to concentrate on my wish-come-true crush. Why? Because this was my wish. And it seems that my wish have not come true just yet as I have written in my previous paragraphs above. It was all emotion talking.

I'm sort of glad that my crush have shown me mixed signals. Because it puts me in perspective. It throws me off back to my own place that perhaps, I'm not ready to leave my single life just yet. But in all seriousness, I am very ready to be with my long time crush. And perhaps I would do anything to make it happen. But right now, I'm stepping back, to take my time and think about it. My life have always been complicated, and this is me trying to simplify things again.

If I had not crossed path with my crush and it didn't go as well as it had, I would still be adamant to be single. But we did and it went well, so this throws my whole plans off. It is still going well, but recently I find some reluctance, or maybe, I think I am sensing some reluctance. I kept thinking to myself, maybe I'm not patient, or maybe I'm too forward. Maybe I'm right. So I'm stepping back a bit. I don't want to fall into the same trap again. Let's take our time. And let time unfold the mystery on its own. The truth is, I take crushes seriously. I can be all confident, charming and suave when I'm trying to woo someone, but not with crushes. I become this awkward guy, I become quiet, all I can do is just smile a stupid grin. When I talk, I stutter, and I try to avoid eye contact. My face, hand and body movement becomes awkward and clumsy. My fingers starts fiddling and fidgeting. It's hilarious, but not to me... I don't know why that happens to me, but it's true, all my confidence, flushed down the toilet... It's silly, huh?

On a personal level, I've been spending my weekend (Saturday night) with my brothers and sisters and their husbands and wives. It's nice to hang out again, it has been more than a month since we last had this hangout. We put off having our hangouts since Ramadan, and it's nice, but it feels different this time round, we're a little quiet. But nevertheless I had fun.

Things are going well on my front. It feels nice. However, my story with CA, have not been properly closed. I haven't met CA yet to give my final decision. I wanted to, but I have been busy concentrating my efforts on my 'old' crush. But I think you would have guess what my decision is. I don't plan to publish this post before meeting CA. But I guess, I've put this post off for too long. I guess I will meet CA in due time, and after this post, I don't think it'll be a good meet... I have no one to blame but myself. I know that much.

Until then...