Kellaz, A Journal

I have been back to onshore since Tuesday  I came back home to found out that my mobile phone was not working, it just wouldn't turn on.  At first I thought my phone's battery was dead, but upon charging, there was even no indication that the phone was charging.  Feeling deprived of 'communication', I sent the phone to be repaired.  I thought it was either my charger was faulty, or perhaps the battery.  But the technician had a look and it was neither of them, it was the phone. The technician told me if the software was malfunctioning, it would only take a day, but if it was the hardware, it would take about couple of weeks.  It dawn on me, that if it takes a couple of weeks, I can't live like that...  So I did something truly stupid.  I bought a new phone.  It was an impulse buy.  But nevertheless very very therapeutic.  So what gadget did I buy myself this time?  It's an LG KD900 better known as LG Crystal.  It has the...

I'm feeling down at the moment.  I just wish that this depressing feeling just go away and leave me alone.  But I feel, it's really hard to describe, but I think, the closest word that could describe this feeling I have is lonely. I feel empty.  I feel hopelessness.  I'm not sure where this feelings come from.  But I feel like I've lost aim in life.  I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days.  I will be leaving a in a few hours.  And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings.  I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that.  But I feel so empty inside.  I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried.  I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear).  I feel sorry for myself.  I feel bad about myself. Maybe with the recent con...

(This post was written on the 18th November) My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep.  I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep.  But at least I had a good night sleep. I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon.  But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave.  Today, the one errand that I'm running became two.  I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank.  And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again.  It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment. I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and tr...

Last night I had a revisit from a previous love.  I met up with one of my ex "E" , after being apart for almost six months. The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends.  And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears.  Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret.  Mostly regret from my part.  This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other.  It was a mutual understanding.  Well, now, I must say, I was stupid.  I am stupid.  I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face. Now, guess who had the better life?  And no, it isn't me.  My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it.  What hurts was that my ex...

Tonight, I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what's wrong, but something feels amiss.  Something feels not right.  It got me wondering am I having relationship withdrawal syndrome?  Today, from early morning till now (which is midnight), I have been by myself.  Well not entirely, but I didn't have the company of my friends or family, let alone a lover.  I woke up pretty late, and attended my errands, which is to re-fill the forms for my insurance and sent it to the bank and send the form back to the insurance agent which all ends in pretty much less than an hour. After that, I had my breakfast, lunch and dinner in a cozy little restaurant, I spent about three hours there and went home.  I've stayed home since then up till now.  Maybe perhaps I feel a little claustrophobic being in the house for too long.  And I have been so anxious that I finish half a pack of cigarette.  I'm not sure why, my tongue feels dry and I drank a lot of water caus...

How am I going to say this?  Let me see... Actually, I've started dating again.  The latest date that I had, pulls me back to the same cycle again.  No, don't get off your chair just yet (to smack me).  But I'm trying my best to pull every energy left of me to avoid going back to the same situation. I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit.  But not this fast.  It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed.  No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it.  Well, honestly, still resisting it.  It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds.  Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again.  Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog.  No, it's not, it's a story of me.  Kellaz.  A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations.  But sure enough,...

The reason why I have been shying away from blogging is just because there isn't much to say.   But a lot of things had happened, but more towards making my dream house a step closer.  And it's getting there.  This week, I got my approval letter, and fulfilling all of the requirements before approval.  Upon approval, the bank will nominate a lawyer.  All of that will be done sometime this week.  Everything is going smooth. But this smooth running operation came at a very high cost. In just two days, I've spent about $4,000.  Crazy, I know.  Just to letting you guys know out there, to build a home have their preliminary cost, and this sum should come up in terms of your own budget.  Ideally, you should have in hand about $10,000 just to get you loan and construction to set up.  So I'm deliriously broke at the moment. Even as I am typing this post, my mind is still running, I don't even know how to find funds to pay my lawyers, when ...

One thing I know and learnt about blogging is to not blog when emotions are high. From experience, it will only make me look like a fool. Thus why I have been shying away from updating this blog. I have been angry, consequently sad and disappointed by the way my other half is reacting to my emotions. I tried my best to keep my composure but the longer I waited the harder it hit on me. I'm starting to get tired of this relationship, or dare I say, this game that my other half is playing on me. It started earlier this week, when we promise to meet, but cancelled at the very last minute, which pissed me off. I sent a text message, but it was clear that I was upset by it. I understand that my other half had more important things to do. And I'm fine by the cancellation, but, my other half didn't do anything to make me feel better. All I wanted was just a little understanding. So I've decided to play along with my other half's game. Which is doing nothing. A d...

Somethings are too good to be true. Being able to start a relationship with a long lost crush is a great thing to be in. But as all relationships are, they need work. After two weeks, reality starts to set in, and we find ourself having petty arguments. Reality sucks. My head over heels soon became a head on collision because of personality differences. The underlying issue is, would you still stand by the person you love if everything you stood for and believes are not accepted by them? The personality clash that we have are at the far end extremes. And sometimes it feels like I am the only one working on the relationship. Is love alone enough? Does love conquer all? Does it? However, I'm not quitting just yet. Yes, at certain level, love does conquer certain areas of the relationship. But on other parts, we just have to work on it. And I'm pretty sure, the work I'm about to embark on, is no easy feat. Both of us are stubborn, and both of us had ego as big as...