Down
I'm feeling down at the moment. I just wish that this depressing feeling just go away and leave me alone. But I feel, it's really hard to describe, but I think, the closest word that could describe this feeling I have is lonely.
I feel empty. I feel hopelessness. I'm not sure where this feelings come from. But I feel like I've lost aim in life. I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days. I will be leaving a in a few hours. And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings. I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that. But I feel so empty inside. I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried. I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear). I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad about myself.
Maybe with the recent contact with 'E' had made me realise my mistakes. I have been chatting with 'E' recently. He told me something that really hurts me. After breaking up with me, he avoided places and things that reminded of our relationship. We used to share something (it's private), one would call it a toy, and left it for me to take care. When 'E' asked me to take care of it, 'E' told me that 'E' had never parted with it, until 'E' knew me. When we broke up, I returned this cuddly 'toy' back to 'E'. When we were chatting in MSN, we were reminiscing the good times and this 'toy' got mention. 'E' told me that all of the things that were associated with me, we either thrown or given away. And it includes "E's" car. 'E' had even sold the car that we once sat in and drove around with.
It broke my heart. It really did. I've never meant to 'destroy' someone like this. I feel bad and guilty for treating 'E' badly towards the end of our relationship, badly in this sense, that I just moved on while 'E' suffered for months in silence. I don't know what to make of it anymore. And one thing for sure, I didn't get the last laugh in this drama.
I'm not proud of the man I was, I'm not proud of the man I am, I'm so ashamed of myself. All I did was hurtful. When I think about it again, disrespectful. When I think more about it, I despise myself. I know I can't change the past, but I guess I have the present and the future to change things. I believe that I have been so lost with myself, with my own arrogance and idiocy, in my own stupid world, to realise the consequence of my actions.
And now, I feel lonely as ever. And yes, you are right. I deserve it. But I guess, in time, I'll learn. I've learnt my mistakes, and I will try to be a better man this time. No promises.
My love life have so far, have screeched to a stopping halt. And I confess that I'm having a hard time about it. I've refrained from dating. But it feels so hurtful to be single again. I think my drugs have been love and relationships that now without it, it's just, too hard to describe, despair, disappointment, loneliness, pain, emptiness are all combined into one. I'm sure I'll get over it, and I hope it's sooner. I'm actually lost in my own sentences. This post doesn't make sense to me. It's so jumbled up.
I should stop now. Until then...
I feel empty. I feel hopelessness. I'm not sure where this feelings come from. But I feel like I've lost aim in life. I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days. I will be leaving a in a few hours. And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings. I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that. But I feel so empty inside. I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried. I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear). I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad about myself.
Maybe with the recent contact with 'E' had made me realise my mistakes. I have been chatting with 'E' recently. He told me something that really hurts me. After breaking up with me, he avoided places and things that reminded of our relationship. We used to share something (it's private), one would call it a toy, and left it for me to take care. When 'E' asked me to take care of it, 'E' told me that 'E' had never parted with it, until 'E' knew me. When we broke up, I returned this cuddly 'toy' back to 'E'. When we were chatting in MSN, we were reminiscing the good times and this 'toy' got mention. 'E' told me that all of the things that were associated with me, we either thrown or given away. And it includes "E's" car. 'E' had even sold the car that we once sat in and drove around with.
It broke my heart. It really did. I've never meant to 'destroy' someone like this. I feel bad and guilty for treating 'E' badly towards the end of our relationship, badly in this sense, that I just moved on while 'E' suffered for months in silence. I don't know what to make of it anymore. And one thing for sure, I didn't get the last laugh in this drama.
I'm not proud of the man I was, I'm not proud of the man I am, I'm so ashamed of myself. All I did was hurtful. When I think about it again, disrespectful. When I think more about it, I despise myself. I know I can't change the past, but I guess I have the present and the future to change things. I believe that I have been so lost with myself, with my own arrogance and idiocy, in my own stupid world, to realise the consequence of my actions.
And now, I feel lonely as ever. And yes, you are right. I deserve it. But I guess, in time, I'll learn. I've learnt my mistakes, and I will try to be a better man this time. No promises.
My love life have so far, have screeched to a stopping halt. And I confess that I'm having a hard time about it. I've refrained from dating. But it feels so hurtful to be single again. I think my drugs have been love and relationships that now without it, it's just, too hard to describe, despair, disappointment, loneliness, pain, emptiness are all combined into one. I'm sure I'll get over it, and I hope it's sooner. I'm actually lost in my own sentences. This post doesn't make sense to me. It's so jumbled up.
I should stop now. Until then...
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