Updates

One thing I know and learnt about blogging is to not blog when emotions are high. From experience, it will only make me look like a fool. Thus why I have been shying away from updating this blog.

I have been angry, consequently sad and disappointed by the way my other half is reacting to my emotions. I tried my best to keep my composure but the longer I waited the harder it hit on me. I'm starting to get tired of this relationship, or dare I say, this game that my other half is playing on me. It started earlier this week, when we promise to meet, but cancelled at the very last minute, which pissed me off. I sent a text message, but it was clear that I was upset by it. I understand that my other half had more important things to do. And I'm fine by the cancellation, but, my other half didn't do anything to make me feel better. All I wanted was just a little understanding. So I've decided to play along with my other half's game. Which is doing nothing. A day had passed. Nothing. A couple of days had passed, still I've heard nothing. Three days had passed. Nothing. So last night, I quit playing games, and text that I wanted to meet on Monday to discuss the way forward. To me right now, although I might take this back depending on the discussion that we will be having, I'm done with the games. I want to call it quits. I'm tired.

I've had my fair share of games. I'm over playing games. I'm tired of playing mind games which my other half is (I have to admit) good at playing it. I texted last night to no answer. I texted in the morning, saying along the line of, "Are you done playing a fool out of me?" Only then I got a text back simply saying "wait, I'm at the hospital". Fair enough.

The future between us looks bleak unless my other half is willing to change. My other half, unfortunately is stubborn and arrogant but so am I. But I've given so much to prove my love and yet I feel there's nothing coming from my other half, only arrogance. My other half expect me to change which believe me, I've really really tried but it's eating me up. I'm tired of trying to please someone when that someone wouldn't change to work on the relationship as I am. Maybe my other half is not as committed as I am to this relationship. Believe me, I've tried, and I've tried my best. I have never tried to compromise with anyone as much for this relationship. I'm not whining about it, because I really do wanted this relationship to work. But as the saying goes... "it's a two way street".

The paragraphs above was written on the yesterday. And now it is the 8th of October.

I have discussed with a friend recently with what I am going through. I've read the text messages that my other half had sent me yesterday afternoon. Some of the messages was that, along the line of "I just want you to accept me the way I am", "70% of your lifestyle I just couldn't accept" and "To love is to feel secure, but I don't feel secure with you".

So does that paint a picture? I'll leave it up to you to think about it. I left one last question to my other half, "Do you still want to be with me?" The answer was "Let me think about it, I'm busy at the moment". I'm putting my heart on my sleeve to you, my dear readers, do you think I have a relationship? Okay, almost 24 hours have passed. Still there is no reply. To me, I consider myself, single (again). I'm a guy who doesn't like to force people into a relationship, I like to make things happen by itself. It feels more honest and natural that way, if two people seem to be keen on each other, so why not have a great relationship? Right?

So with this relationship, it feels like, I'm on my own. It reminds me of my previous post, how could I have over looked this... My other half was 'playing a game of poker' with me. My other half had reservation about starting this relationship, which now looks clear. But why did my other half decided to embark on a relationship with me in the first place? I would have been fine if the relationship didn't work, I would not be flaring up. Because after being in love for so many times, I know one cannot force another to be in love. To make them fall in love with you, maybe... But yet it is still gamble, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen.

The weird thing is, I'm not upset. I guess, I feel I'm beyond upset. In fact, I'm happy. I feel much better. I'm not going to even hear what my other half had to say. To me right now, it's over. If someone had reservation about having a relationship with you and in the amidst of a relationship problem. Thank you very much. I don't need say the obvious. I'm glad that I am back on track with my life. I only embark on this relationship because my other half was my crush. And I was willing to work a relationship with my long time crush. But now, the saying "too good to be true" rings true.

In my opinion, and this is my honest opinion of my other half. My other half is weird (to which my other half had admitted), naive and childish. For a someone who has walked the earth for 29 years, it's surprising that such people still exist. No, I'm not saying this to get back. No. Even at one point we have discussed this together and my other half agreed. My other half is a passive person.... afraid of living. Where as I, I enjoy my life, I live life to the fullest. I embrace life. Not my other half. My other half had limited social skills, and fears life. To the point of paranoia. It's true, and my other half agreed about this.

There are still some people out there (not referring to my other half) that lives a paranoid life. They think too much on what other people think of them. They have this thing called "reputation" or "presentation". I've lived long enough to not care what people say about you. No, it's not that I don't care at all, yes, I do care to a certain point. But would I let what people say to run my life... No. Hell no. Some people think that the universe revolves around them hence why the paranoia. No, nobody cares if you fell into a drain. No, nobody cares if someone saw your panties. No, nobody cares if you had said something stupid. No.

We're all human, we're all stupid and make mistakes (not all the time). That's what that makes us human. We're flawed in our own way. But we change. Not necessarily for the better. No. Change because you want to. Changing for the better is always a good thing and no doubt about it, but to change is to experience, to change is to live.

Anyway, enough about that. Oh my estate, got my mortgage loan approved! Yeah, good news! But the bank couldn't give me the amount, so I'm 6k short. I've arranged for payment with the land lady that I will pay the rest, in February. So things are looking up. And also, I've engaged my architect again, and he gave me the first draft of my house layout and it's looking great. I've feedback the things that I wanted, and so far, it looks good. So anyway, I've ranted way too much in this post. So leave me a comment or two. Just to know if someone is listening to my rant :)

Until then....