Errands Galore
(This post was written on the 18th November)
My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep. I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep. But at least I had a good night sleep.
I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon. But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave. Today, the one errand that I'm running became two. I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank. And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again. It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment.
I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and trying hard to figure out what was the reason for the worrying and anxiety. And it becomes clearer even after I read the comment from Maria.M : "It is normal to feel anxiety from time to time. The unease, intense worry or nervousness gives character to life's already colorful graph. It is human to feel. Like the 'S' curve of development... you could be climbing from the bottom curve... or are you at the top curve approaching the cliffhanger?"
I think I am going through something of the latter. I'm about to fall off. Fall from or of something, which I still have to figure out. But there feels a great sense of change in me which I am reluctant to do, yet I had to face up, and it feels inevitable. There's something that I have done recently, that probably explains the anxiety. And I only shared it with my best friend, Billy. I have told him that I am going to become celibate (of relationship and love). I told him that I'm cutting those feelings and learning to numb my heart and mind from ever going to that place again. Probably that was why I was anxious. Once I announce my intentions, I became conscious that I have to keep my word that I have just said. Maybe, I worry too much that I might fall again into the same trap. Sometimes, I just keep on wondering, where would you draw the line between trying and giving up? Am I giving up of love? Or am I pushing all intentions to fall in love again? I'm rambling and I know, you're lost in these sentences, I'm lost as well... But it feels so weird when I have consciously have decided and say it, that I'm closing that road that leads to relationships.
I guess, I have said those words before but maybe perhaps this time I mean it. I guess I have decided that this time, even when I found the "perfect" one, I will have to turn it down. And perhaps knowing that, that will happen, gave me the anxiety attack.
(I've decided to still publish this post, and I don't think I could finish it. Perhaps those feelings have gone and I've lost the momentum of the post. Thus, I shall leave it to this, I'm sorry that this post left my readers hanging... Perhaps this post were never meant to finish... Until then)
My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep. I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep. But at least I had a good night sleep.
I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon. But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave. Today, the one errand that I'm running became two. I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank. And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again. It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment.
I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and trying hard to figure out what was the reason for the worrying and anxiety. And it becomes clearer even after I read the comment from Maria.M : "It is normal to feel anxiety from time to time. The unease, intense worry or nervousness gives character to life's already colorful graph. It is human to feel. Like the 'S' curve of development... you could be climbing from the bottom curve... or are you at the top curve approaching the cliffhanger?"
I think I am going through something of the latter. I'm about to fall off. Fall from or of something, which I still have to figure out. But there feels a great sense of change in me which I am reluctant to do, yet I had to face up, and it feels inevitable. There's something that I have done recently, that probably explains the anxiety. And I only shared it with my best friend, Billy. I have told him that I am going to become celibate (of relationship and love). I told him that I'm cutting those feelings and learning to numb my heart and mind from ever going to that place again. Probably that was why I was anxious. Once I announce my intentions, I became conscious that I have to keep my word that I have just said. Maybe, I worry too much that I might fall again into the same trap. Sometimes, I just keep on wondering, where would you draw the line between trying and giving up? Am I giving up of love? Or am I pushing all intentions to fall in love again? I'm rambling and I know, you're lost in these sentences, I'm lost as well... But it feels so weird when I have consciously have decided and say it, that I'm closing that road that leads to relationships.
I guess, I have said those words before but maybe perhaps this time I mean it. I guess I have decided that this time, even when I found the "perfect" one, I will have to turn it down. And perhaps knowing that, that will happen, gave me the anxiety attack.
(I've decided to still publish this post, and I don't think I could finish it. Perhaps those feelings have gone and I've lost the momentum of the post. Thus, I shall leave it to this, I'm sorry that this post left my readers hanging... Perhaps this post were never meant to finish... Until then)
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