Love Revisited
Last night I had a revisit from a previous love. I met up with one of my ex "E", after being apart for almost six months.
The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends. And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears. Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret. Mostly regret from my part. This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other. It was a mutual understanding. Well, now, I must say, I was stupid. I am stupid. I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face.
Now, guess who had the better life? And no, it isn't me. My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it. What hurts was that my ex said, "I think from the looks of it, we could last long, because he's a simple guy, quiet, honest, loving and everything that I could ask from a man". Ouch! That hurts... And from the looks of it, my ex did not say it in a way to piss me off. Because what happened next was touching to me. "Honestly, and I can't deny it though, I'm still very much in love with you, and I still miss you every single day, even until now". I just broke into tears.
My ex knew that things wouldn't have worked even if we tried back then, in fact, things had turn into worse, just after we broke up due to my ex's change of lifestyle and personal and family matters. And at that time, my ex told me, it was so busy that there was not even time to mourn for our lost relationship, which was also a blessing. I was an idiot. I am an idiot.
But it seems that my ex is happy, but also sad when we were reminiscing our relationship together. We agreed that more than 90% of the time we spent were special and great. A lot of laughters and joy were spent in that relationship. It only went sour because I had a change of heart. I fell out of love with my ex, and I couldn't hide it any longer and we broke off, I wrote about the breaking up here (click here).
But after last night tears and confession, I feel so stupid, my eyes is still sore after crying so much. I'm not a man who shed tears easily. But right now, I feel stupid and depressed. I told my ex, "at least, the stupid one is me, and look at me now, I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself. I've failed more relationship after being with you, one thing that is obvious now, you don't deserve me, you deserve better and you are deserving it now". But it was good that we met, my ex wanted to introduce me to the new man in my ex's life. But I declined. Of course, everyone would know the reason to that.
I feel so happy to see my ex, but I feel so sad about myself. I feel sorry for myself, I regret saying and doing the things to my ex. One thing that I can't change about me now, is that I'm not happy, I feel lonely and I have no one else to blame but myself. But I guess, it's just a subjective matter. Looking at the glass half empty or half full. And from where I am now, it's half empty. No, just plain empty. I know what I am doing to myself at this moment is the right thing to do, and like every right thing to do, is painful and hurtful. But certain things have to be done. My ex said to me, "without any shatter of a doubt, if I am single right now, I would go through it all again, start all over again and spend my life with you again".
So as you can see, after hearing those, tears just flows. How could I have been so blind and oblivious to my ex's feelings. It breaks my heart to hear those words. But I guess that's the way life works. Biting you in places you least expect. So anyway, I should stop writing now, because writing this post had made me gone teary again. By the way, I've written a post which I have not publish yet, because I haven't finished writing it. I will post it soon. Until then...
The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends. And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears. Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret. Mostly regret from my part. This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other. It was a mutual understanding. Well, now, I must say, I was stupid. I am stupid. I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face.
Now, guess who had the better life? And no, it isn't me. My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it. What hurts was that my ex said, "I think from the looks of it, we could last long, because he's a simple guy, quiet, honest, loving and everything that I could ask from a man". Ouch! That hurts... And from the looks of it, my ex did not say it in a way to piss me off. Because what happened next was touching to me. "Honestly, and I can't deny it though, I'm still very much in love with you, and I still miss you every single day, even until now". I just broke into tears.
My ex knew that things wouldn't have worked even if we tried back then, in fact, things had turn into worse, just after we broke up due to my ex's change of lifestyle and personal and family matters. And at that time, my ex told me, it was so busy that there was not even time to mourn for our lost relationship, which was also a blessing. I was an idiot. I am an idiot.
But it seems that my ex is happy, but also sad when we were reminiscing our relationship together. We agreed that more than 90% of the time we spent were special and great. A lot of laughters and joy were spent in that relationship. It only went sour because I had a change of heart. I fell out of love with my ex, and I couldn't hide it any longer and we broke off, I wrote about the breaking up here (click here).
But after last night tears and confession, I feel so stupid, my eyes is still sore after crying so much. I'm not a man who shed tears easily. But right now, I feel stupid and depressed. I told my ex, "at least, the stupid one is me, and look at me now, I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself. I've failed more relationship after being with you, one thing that is obvious now, you don't deserve me, you deserve better and you are deserving it now". But it was good that we met, my ex wanted to introduce me to the new man in my ex's life. But I declined. Of course, everyone would know the reason to that.
I feel so happy to see my ex, but I feel so sad about myself. I feel sorry for myself, I regret saying and doing the things to my ex. One thing that I can't change about me now, is that I'm not happy, I feel lonely and I have no one else to blame but myself. But I guess, it's just a subjective matter. Looking at the glass half empty or half full. And from where I am now, it's half empty. No, just plain empty. I know what I am doing to myself at this moment is the right thing to do, and like every right thing to do, is painful and hurtful. But certain things have to be done. My ex said to me, "without any shatter of a doubt, if I am single right now, I would go through it all again, start all over again and spend my life with you again".
So as you can see, after hearing those, tears just flows. How could I have been so blind and oblivious to my ex's feelings. It breaks my heart to hear those words. But I guess that's the way life works. Biting you in places you least expect. So anyway, I should stop writing now, because writing this post had made me gone teary again. By the way, I've written a post which I have not publish yet, because I haven't finished writing it. I will post it soon. Until then...
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