Kellaz, A Journal

If you had call me childish, that means you have known me well. Yes, I am a childish guy. I don't say that in a proud manner or do I say that of the opposite, but that's who I am. My recent relationship is going south. It is not going well as I expected. My lover called me childish and couldn't deal with it. Being childish is a good attribute, because not all of us could tap our inner child and let it all out. Being all grown up and serious at most times can be really really boring to me. And that is how I get my easy going and bubbly behaviour. I mix well with strangers, I talk almost to everybody and isn't afraid to approach other people. And I am not afraid at being laughed at. My feelings towards this relationship is still the same. I am sincerly still in love. But just love alone, isn't enough sometimes. Love can conquer all? Hmm, I doubt this is applicable in my case. We often find ourselves in small quarrels and arguements because our personalit...

I truly do apologise for my lack of updates recently. Life have been treating me good, but no really, I fell sick last Thursday and Friday because my tonsils flared up again. I guess, when I was in Bangkok, I admit to smoke more than the usual. My tonsils have flared up ever since I came back from Bangkok, but I tried to succumb the infection by taking in painkillers but I guess, it was inevitable. So with my long break, I had a long weekend. At the moment, I am going through a crossroad. Relationship are never easy. It can be daunting. My latest relationship is going through some personality incompatibility. Don't get me wrong we're still madly in love, but there are times we find ourselves into a quarrel or argument. I guess, this is the phase when lovey dovey ends and the reality of the relationship begins. It is bad in my case as I tend to go back to my old habit, which is my own stubbornness. And I like to think that this 'argument phase' is a normal part of the jo...

Apologies for the lack of updates. I am back 'home'. I was trying as much as I can to catch up with the shopping and living the fantasy that I am allowed when I am on vacation. To sum it up, it was a great vacation, although somehow or rather it didn't live up to the same expectations that I had with the last Bangkok trip. This trip was a little saner if that makes sense. Chiang Mai despite the expected cooler climate was otherwise. It was absolutely hot. And me and my best friend had lots of fun. Too much fun for two guys who just got to know Chiang Mai, if you ask me. It was silly. The walk back to the hotel was a memorable one, since we were out of my mind at that point in time, we were barked by angry and growling dogs. But instead of running for our lives, I approached each dog to keep it shut. I think, if my memory serves me, the dogs were in very confused state. But it was funny and dangerous at the same time, I could have been mauled by dogs but, I guess ...

Here I am, at the hotel lobby after checking out and buying some unnecessary things from MBK. LOL. I'm waiting for my best friend to finish shopping, after this, we will proceed to the airport accordingly. Next destination is Chiang Mai. Why Chiang Mai? Because it's the cheapest ticket that we could get under very short notice. This was planned a day before our flight to Bangkok. We're doing an adventure of our own here. We didn't even plan for a hotel. Well, we did book for a hotel but we don't know if the process went through. So anyway, how was my holiday? Hmm, as much as I enjoy myself right now. I am missing someone. I don't know... (....logged off....) When I was writing the previous paragraph, my best friend showed up from his shopping and reminding me of the time, and we were already late, so I had to log off immediately and went looking for a taxi to Suvarnabhum Airport. We reached there and everything went smoothly and was uneventful, befo...

I am in Bangkok. Most people have told me that it is the wrong time to visit. Well this visit is well planned ahead before the crisis began. There is a political unrest in Thailand and at the moment and there have been some protest in the capital. But I see none. What's really funny was, I arrived Bangkok in a red shirt. Okay if you don't know what is the link to that, it's time for you to read the papers. No wonder I get a few turn of heads, I thought people think I look good. It was really funny. But nevertheless, I guess people know by first sight that I am the least likely to look like any protester. Bangkok is quiet. That I must admit. It feels a little different and most of the major shopping centres are close. So I didn't do much shopping. Well, we're having an excursion soon, which is also well planned out. We're not just staying in Bangkok. Not because we're afraid of the protest or anything like that, we bought the tickets before the ...

I'm 'cleaning' myself by clearing my mind away from The Crush for a while. I wish to apologise to my readers for my pathetic depressing mood. And apologise if the post had made you feel depressed too. So I'm trying to move on, not moving on from my Crush but to move on with life. I guess, now I realise that being depressed is not a productive attribute. But sub-consciously I am still waiting for an answer. And if the answer do not surface, I guess I should just hint that I was the only dreaming for an impossible miracle. I reminded myself of the saying "Accept the things that I can't change and give me the courage to change the things I can". As I am writing this, I feel quite at ease with myself but like the song "Tracks of my tears", you can only see that if you come closer. It's time to put on a happy facade. Even though one may say that I'm lying to myself. At least a happy face creates happiness to others. It sure beats a ...

I'm depressed at the moment. With my situation. I'm not seeking sympathy to my readers with my life right now. But I am feeling quite down. Not just because of The Crush situation but also because of my working life situation. Being in the office isn't that all bad. But I hated to be there. Not because of my colleagues or of my work. But I didn't like it at all. Perhaps I'm still missing offshore too bad. The Crush Situation is preconceived by some of my readers to be bad. But perhaps I am in denial. But it isn't that bad. I know that right now my Crush a.k.a "C " is thinking about what to do or still deciding. "C" promised me for an answer. So I am waiting for the answer. And as if, by luck, but it isn't, it's planned, I am going away next week. I'm going to Bangkok with my best friend, Billy again. I suppose I will take this time to have a break, breaking away from the office and my 'Crush'ed situa...

It is afternoon. And I'm back. In the office. Back to the old desk job. Yesterday was my last day as a CSR . And flight return was the last flight back onshore on my very last day. If you have added me in your facebook , you can see the pictures. I've decided to keep this blog picture free. Until I get bored of words. LOL . It was quite an emotional departure, luckily a friend who is also a rigger who works for me talked to me until my chopper arrives and I unconsiously managed to hide my tears. I looked around at the area and I know it won't be the last time I will be there. But the next time when I do go offshore again, it won't be the same. Actually I am sad that I had to leave my guys. These guys I work with or work for me are really great men. They made me feel at home and their progress with work is relentless. I will miss Aiedee , Lagan , Khiddir , Himli and Clemond . These are the guys who I am close with. And off work they are my friends. A few...

I am offshore again. Okay, there have been some confusion by my own words, I know I have said that I had my last trip. But this time, I am offshore as a relief for my colleague who is away for a two day course onshore. Since his back-to-back isn't back in Brunei yet, so I have to relief him for the next four days. Actually I didn't want to make this trip happen. I was trying as much to avoid it but it is inevitable that I have to replace my colleague which had taken over my position. So what's up with me lately? A lot. First on the list is that, all of my contact numbers in my phone, I repeat, ALL of my contact numbers in my phone is gone. Yesterday my phone was severely lagged and I couldn't reach no one with my phone, text messages that I sent were not sent (which later I've learnt) . So what did I do? I reset my phone as new, only aware that I haven't saved my contacts in the SIM card. Stupid silly me. I guess, I was really upset with the phone...

While Aiedee is back at home asleep, I am out with a couple of friends. I didn't bring Aiedee out because I can see from his face that he is a little exhausted from his trip. I felt a little bad about leaving him alone, but he said it is okay to leave him in my room to recuperate. It has been a while since I've done this. And it is not often that I went out with this guys. On my previous post, I wrote something about my crush. I guess, this is my way of dealing with my crush. Keeping myself busy and eventually exhaust myself i.e. hanging out late. I will be doing my last shift offshore this Sunday up until Wednesday. And after that, it will be office based all throughout. I'm not dreading office work as much, perhaps, I'm keeping my mind open about it. When I got the email informing me of this protocol, I admit I was a little anxious with the arrangement. The thought of having to deal with the Shutdown manager every week makes me cringe and sigh. But anyway, ...

I left the topic blank (hyphen) because I feel empty. I think I am in love. And falling in badly. I can't think straight anymore. Remember that crush that I had? This is the second crush. I think it is more than a crush. I asked a friend recently, if it was just a crush, then my friend asked me, "Does "C" (referring to The Crush) was the first thing you think of when you wake up? Does "C" is the last thing in your mind before you go to bed? Do you think about "C" when you are not doing anything? Do you miss "C"?" All of the answers to all of these questions is YES! And worst of all, I am don't think of anybody else and every face I see looks like "C" . I'm having it bad this time. Why is this such a big deal? Because I am not the kind of guy who falls in love easily, although people fall in love with me easily. I don't. Like I once told my readers before, with the longest relationship that I had,...