Depressing Cycle

I'm depressed at the moment. With my situation. I'm not seeking sympathy to my readers with my life right now. But I am feeling quite down. Not just because of The Crush situation but also because of my working life situation. Being in the office isn't that all bad. But I hated to be there. Not because of my colleagues or of my work. But I didn't like it at all. Perhaps I'm still missing offshore too bad.

The Crush Situation is preconceived by some of my readers to be bad. But perhaps I am in denial. But it isn't that bad. I know that right now my Crush a.k.a "C" is thinking about what to do or still deciding. "C" promised me for an answer. So I am waiting for the answer.

And as if, by luck, but it isn't, it's planned, I am going away next week. I'm going to Bangkok with my best friend, Billy again. I suppose I will take this time to have a break, breaking away from the office and my 'Crush'ed situation. I am pathetic, I know, you guys don't need to tell me that. I'm just writing this down because I just need to confide to you, my dear readers. I know some of you pose opinions and such, even judge me for what I have done or have written. But I know with time, I'll get over it.

I want to describe how I feel right now. It feels like, I've got this bursting urge to love, but I'm holding it down, and it feels like you're holding your breath and you try to cheat by breathing in very short breath. I feel like drowning and crying some how. It hurts so bad that I couldn't get in touch with "C". I feel suffocated in my own sorrow. It's just that painful. It is like you want something so bad, and you know you will never get it. And it's killing you that you can't have it or perhaps that you can't give your love to someone. And you're putting your heart on your sleeve hoping that someone will take it. Believe me, I've never about someone like this ever, I've never fall so bad for no one ever. I've never fallen in love with someone so bad. Gawd, I am so pathetic.

I feel quite bad about myself, when just a moment ago, my friend confided to me that he is now happy with his new love. And although it isn't all that spectacular, he said. But my happiness for him was coupled with the feeling of envy and sadness on my part. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him, especially this is a man who is afraid to be in love in the first place. I'm truly, truly happy with his news. And just yesterday, my ex MSN-ed me giving me 'how-to-date' advices. How pathetic is that? Not my ex, but me. I guess my ex still reads my blog thus giving me advice on how to date! I guess, my sorry sad life, does resonate to my readers and I just feel sick to my stomach. I am disgusted with myself.

Somehow, I feel like I need a new life. Somehow I find myself stuck in a rut. How did I ever get here eh? I need to get out. And that will be the motive of my trip to Bangkok this time. I just want to get out. And when I come back, hopefully I will be a new man. Hopefully. Please send your prayers and wishes, because I will need them. Somehow, I feel weak and sad and depressed.

Until then. Ciao.