Kellaz, A Journal

Note: Sorry for the lack of updates; this was written a long time ago, but never got published, so I guessed this'll have to do for now.... There are not much going on at the current moment, basically I've been up and living. Living a life full routines, thus why this blog haven't had much updates. There are a lot of things that have happened throughout this couple of days, but none of them worth mentioning to my readers. Last Sunday, my siblings and I made a surprise advanced birthday celebration to my brother-in-law, organise by my sister (his wife). We bought him a cake. Today is his real birthday. Yesterday was my brother's birthday, I gave him a birthday text through the mobile phone. June and July are full of birthday celebrants in my family. Unfortunately, it's been quiet. I would love to treat them to dinner but my current financial status is not healthy enough to do that. Things are quieting down, my love life, sort of a plateau at the moment with t...

It has been a while since I last had this kind of weekend. As planned about two weeks ago, my college mates and I were planning or a bbq for their house warming party. Like all house warming goes, it was pot luck invitation, I brought drinks, lots of it. (Non-alcoholic, of course). And by default, I helped looking after the barbie, adding charcoal and ensuring that all things are in order. I was happy to do that. Slowly one by one the guys came, old mates, and new mates. These new mates are friends of a friend of a friend, or a friend's house mates, or the house mate's friend... All from different type of backgrounds and type of occupations. It was really cool. And this is one night I will remember for a very long time. I had to leave early because I had a revisiting date (actually it was to watch the fire works, but we were late). This date is going well. It looks good. But I'm keeping it real this time. It's still just a date, no more , no less. I don't...

Yesterday was a good day. It might be the partial solar eclipse, but indeed yesterday was a very good day for me. Before that, I think I should write here a comment from my previous post by Mirdahmad , an avid reader of my blog, "a sad entry... pathetic maybe? naaaaah, you are one very strong person. You are just playing around, experimenting with your feelings, like a kid playing with lego, building something before tearing it all apart then building it again, each time differently. The resources; product and outcome in a perfect equilibrium. Its not useless neither a failure, its just a bumpy road. Maybe you should take the highway!" Why does this comment deserve to be in this post, because Mirdahmad have in a way opened-up my mind about life itself. I've never thought about experimenting, like a lego and building it all over again, eventhough perhaps it was obvious to some people. But that simple comment was a "WOW" for me. I am experimenting love, differen...

Being ambivalent have their advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages are that you're not that picky, because when something like food or restaurants looks good, you're open to any suggestions. Their disadvantages is I think most likely got to do with feelings and emotions. I've started dating again, well, I'm not looking for love and relationship at the moment, but I think about it now and again, I do need some sort of companionship. And perhaps companionship could grow into something more meaningful. My date yesterday was an eventful one, we had so many things in common with respect to family and relationships. We found ourselves talking about a lot of things under the cool breeze of the South China Sea. It was nice to finally date a gentle being. So far, I've experienced that my date was very calm and gentle. I must admit that I am quite attracted to my date, which ruins my decisiveness. But I am sure that the least that I want out of my date is...

This is what I call, a dry spell. Nothing much to talk about in my blog. I can be the type of blogger who writes his diary moments into their blogs, telling people what they have done all day long. In fact if you trace back to the early moments of my blog, it was like that. Somehow it changed, evolved into something convoluted, regarding my love life. There, my love life was there for all to read and see, and some judged me for who and what I am. Do I give a damn? Simple answer to a simple question. NO! I'm the kind of guy who speaks truthfully about my life, of course there are a lot of things I don't mention because there are personal to me, by which it is my right and privilege. I still remember someone pathetically accuse of of seeking sympathy. Well it's their opinion and I respect it as such. But if the accusation is to laced with ill intentions, well, I'd have to stand up for myself. This blog was intended to make me a journalist. Somewhere along the ...

I'm sick and tired of love. I know I've said that before but not entirely. But this time, it's gone way over my head, it's like I've hit my head for the second time, only this time, it's a harder blow. Love and ambivalence do not go hand in hand. As probably predicted by most of my readers and yes, you can laugh out loud now, I broke up with "T" . No, nothing went wrong with the both of us, seriously. "T" did not do anything, I didn't do anything and it wasn't a mutual understanding, two days after the breakup, I know now, why I wanted to break it up with "T" . "T" doesn't take no for an answer. "T" didn't even give me any space at all, miss calling every other hour, text messaging me. Geez , good god! Leave me alone already. I already made myself clear that I wanted to be alone, but some people don't get the obvious instruction. I broke up with "T" by confessing that I...

I am in a big mess. A mess made by myself and by my own doing. It's not a mess yet, and hopefully it won't be a mess at all, but everything is hanging on a balance. I did a silly thing. I cheated. Sort of. Well, I have intentions to cheat. But I didn't physically cheat, but now the heart starts to split into two and going into one big bad mess. It's my own doing, and I haven't told "T" about it yet. But nevertheless, I'm thinking twice about "T". Stupid huh? I can imagine Karma laughing now, that I fell into her trap. Well, let me ask you this, does what categorize oneself as cheating? Does thought counts? Does what the heart feels counts? Does doing the deed counts? Where is the sneaky fine line lies? I know this sounds bad, and potentially could get ugly. But it's something I have to think about. I know what I have with the other fling have no potential at all, but it makes me wonder if I should settle down with "T...

And that's what it is right now, so far, so good. Life, that is. Yesterday was T's Birthday and we celebrated it over a modest dinner, drove around the city (bandar) and since it was starting to rain, we went back home and we talked about personal stuffs. Among the personal topic that was discussed was our pseudo relationship that we are having. Having said that I was not ready for a relationship was, maybe, prematurely decided, but never still a conscious decision on my half. So we agreed to be as good friends, with the possibility of taking it to another level. T is very cautious. No one wants to put their hearts on the plate for others to consume, so I guess, based by experience, I do understand where T is coming from. In fact, I also did ask if our friendship is an exclusive one, T said along the line "Pow! Pow! You're dead!" and there I was, dead. It is good that T has this cautious attitude towards engaging new relationships unlike me, always ru...

Coincidentally today is "T's" birthday. So happy birthday! "T" told me last night that birthday was never much celebrated among "T" family. Birthdays were just treated as if it was any other day. Well, I'm thinking of something to celebrate it with "T" tonight, but based on my limited budget for this month, it's going to be a modest celebration. To be continued... sorry for this... (I will immediately post a new one)

If Karma takes into a human form, Karma is this powerful beautiful and sexy lady, always a smirk on her face, and has the ability to make you eat your own words. This lady is that harsh bitch. Karma is a real bitch. I started my weekend on a very low note, and might I add a very quiet one. Being sad for myself, I decided to go online and pathetically decided to find some company. Without dwelling too much on the process, in short, I got myself a date. On my drive to this particular date, I told myself, this is just a date, don't get yourself a relationship, no matter what, this is just a date, no love, don't make things complicated . I was as determined as ever. I was adamant. I was sure. Then I saw my date for the first time, my heart skipped a beat. What a cute angel. I shook my head, and whisper to myself, no, no, no . We had our date and wish that it was going to be an awful one, but that didn't happen. It was very, very good. (I shall refer my date as "T"). ...

I feel guilty today. I woke up to an aching body, my thighs, my back, my big love handles and my shoulder all hurt. As a result, I didn't go to work, I took some paracetamol and slept it off, hopefully I could recover at least before midday and I can come to work half day. I woke up at 3pm. My body still aches, but felt a little better, it was much easier to more around, the paracetamol definitely helped. I remembered a friend once suggested, after the first exercise the body will definitely ache but do not stop. Most people stop because of this ache, the reason for this is to re-programme the muscles. This ache is usually because of the body building new muscle tissues where it was once not required due to our daily activities. A significant change in the activities will cause the body to ache. Of course, everybody have their own handicaps. So please do consult a doctor. That is why some people who exercise do take protein supplements so that the body could make new muscl...