Ambivalent Feelings

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Being ambivalent have their advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages are that you're not that picky, because when something like food or restaurants looks good, you're open to any suggestions. Their disadvantages is I think most likely got to do with feelings and emotions.

I've started dating again, well, I'm not looking for love and relationship at the moment, but I think about it now and again, I do need some sort of companionship. And perhaps companionship could grow into something more meaningful. My date yesterday was an eventful one, we had so many things in common with respect to family and relationships. We found ourselves talking about a lot of things under the cool breeze of the South China Sea. It was nice to finally date a gentle being. So far, I've experienced that my date was very calm and gentle.

I must admit that I am quite attracted to my date, which ruins my decisiveness. But I am sure that the least that I want out of my date is friendship and companionship. I guess all in good timing. My best friend asks me, when we are not ready for love, how do we know that when we shutdown true love when it's staring you in your face, that we'll not regret it for the rest of our life. And how do we know that it is true love in the first place. Chicken and egg situation.

I sometimes find it frustrating, when I see people seek true love as if in a snap of a finger and they look so happy. When I have to go through so much thoughts and emotions to make my decision. My brother told me, love is like gambling, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes, we'd have to make it work, like playing cards, you change cards until you get a strong hand.

I often ask myself, does my readers think I'm a stupid fool? Falling for the same mistake over and over again? Do you? Do you think that I'm not ready for love? Do you think that my life is a mistake? Do you think that I should stay single? I got a mentor that tells and gives me advices. And sometimes feel strongly about what she said, I wish I am as strong as her, inside out. I should have faith in myself, but sometimes, it's just so hard when you feel like a balloon bouncing in the big blue sky hoping for the wind to blow you the right way... It's weird huh? But anyway, enough ranting, my laptop batteries dying... so no time to spell check, until then...

Comments

Mirdahmad said…
a sad entry... pathetic maybe? naaaaah, you a one very strong person. You are just playing around, experimenting with your feelings, like a kid playing with lego, building something before tearing it all apart then building it again, each time differently. The resources; product and outcome in a perfect equilibrium. Its not useless neither a failure, its just a bumpy road. Maybe you should take the highway!
21 July 2009 at 18:06
coupe601 said…
Pls do not shutdown your true feeling about love... you will regret for not letting yourself be in such a happy moment in your life in the future... past is past... berilah peluang untuk mencintai dan dicintai... sesungguhnya jangan dibiarkan hati itu kosong... jika bukan dengan org yang diharapkan... mungkin dengan orang lain yang begitu mengharapkan... kuburkan cerita silam... rasa itu mungkin sudah ada cuma tidak pernah diendahkan... renungkan sejenak... cinta itu buta.. ia terjadi kepada sesiapa dan makhluk yang bernama manusia tidak mungkin dapat menghindari... siapa tahu kebahagiaan akan datang ...hehehhee...insyallah
22 July 2009 at 15:13
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