Dry Spell

This is what I call, a dry spell.

Nothing much to talk about in my blog. I can be the type of blogger who writes his diary moments into their blogs, telling people what they have done all day long. In fact if you trace back to the early moments of my blog, it was like that.

Somehow it changed, evolved into something convoluted, regarding my love life. There, my love life was there for all to read and see, and some judged me for who and what I am. Do I give a damn? Simple answer to a simple question. NO! I'm the kind of guy who speaks truthfully about my life, of course there are a lot of things I don't mention because there are personal to me, by which it is my right and privilege. I still remember someone pathetically accuse of of seeking sympathy. Well it's their opinion and I respect it as such. But if the accusation is to laced with ill intentions, well, I'd have to stand up for myself. This blog was intended to make me a journalist. Somewhere along the line, I thought to myself, I'd leave that to the professionals, and slowly it evolved to be my journal.

I'm enjoying my single life at the moment. Enjoying, in this sense, a bit sad. I guess, after one big mess up with my longest relationship, followed by five short (and failed) relationship in six months, I've grown accustomed to have someone by my side, someone to accompany me here and there, a shoulder to lean on, another brain to pick on. But now, it's just me and myself. Looking at the ceiling every night and waking up to the call of a radio alarm.

The truth to be told, I'm feeling low and depressed. I'm not depressed as much because of my failed relationships, but I just could not shake off the thoughts of why did my relationships failed. I've been chatting online with my ex, YKW and gave me a weird advice. "Get married!" It's weird hearing that coming from an ex. I don't know if that's a good advice or not. Settling down. That sends chills to my spine. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not against marriage at all. No. I guess, when the time comes, I'll find myself walking the aisle (as in to the bride's house - as all Malay weddings are). But really? Settling down? Is that the answer to my problems? My brother tend to compared me with that movie "The Bachelor" played by Chris O'Donnell in 1999. He had to get married on his 30th birthday under a short period of time to keep his grandfather's multi million inheritance. Every time, Jimmy (played by Chris) thought of commitment, he felt like a stallion being tied down.

I think I have no problems with commitment, but feel free to prove me wrong. But I do have the problem of finding that perfect match now. The one that, when you hold hands, that two hands connects in such a way, it fits. You know what I mean right? Of course all hands fits with each other (well, almost) but that connection, that weird mushy connection, it's more than just holding hands, it's more than just touch... I had that connection before and I blew it. I have this thinking, that most of the time, we don't end up with THE ONE. THE ONE is always the one that got away or the one you couldn't get. And somehow, everybody settles for THE OTHER ONE. I've seen many instances where two couples who have been together since college for an amount of years, and then, ended with marrying someone else. I know I sound pessimistic about love.

But I guess, I don't believe in love anymore. I guess, in a way, cupid have given up on me, cupid have ran out of arrows for me. I knew the moment when I was with my ex YKW, from the first date, the first touch, I knew, that was THE ONE. Will I get to experience that again? I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. So in view of my nearest future, this heart is closed. I've build a wall around it. I did, however, left a peek hole. I'll let my heart peek to see what's out there. But never will I'd be able to love the same way again. Sound sad huh? Well, I'm feeling low and depressed... What did you expect?

However, life shall go on. I shall concentrate my energy on other things besides love, such as friendships, work and building my house. I will be meeting a land owner tomorrow. I'm doing this on my own now, I've given up on my real estate manager. So I hope to get my house build at least a year from now.

Anyway, before I rant unnecessarily I shall leave you with.... Until then....