Sick at Sea

Not seasick. I started feeling unwell yesterday, my throat felt sore. But that was it.

This morning, I woke up with the sniffles, coughs and a mild fever. I slept the whole day while the guys worked for a short while, after their last night shift, the night before. Just tonight I asked for some medicine from the offshore medic. I'm surviving, my flu is not that bad, tolerable in that sense.

The weather started to pick up, the gales are strong... You could hardly stand up. The swells are huge, and it's shaking the platform a little bit. Hence as I am typing, my bed is shaking a bit. It's normal at this weather. The platform legs are being hit by the waves and since my room is the highest point on this platform, the shaking are much more profound. It's normal. Nothing to be afraid of, but I'm not sure, I've slept on other beds on this same room but the shaking isn't much felt, only mine. Weird huh?

Today I received a message from a fellow friend. This particular friend is going through the same things as I am. The difficulty of moving on. Well the truth, is that, it is something I've went through. Seeing someone you once loved with all your heart and might and seeing them happy by someone else even worse, happier that way. It's heart crushing. That much I know. And I feel for this friend. I know and it's an ugly place to be in.

Have I healed from those pain? Yes and No. Let's start with the 'no' first. How come it's been almost a year, and I still haven't gotten over 'the one' YKW? Purely because it was the happiest two years of my life and it hurts me every single second of my life that I could not get that back. No matter how hard I try. Sure, some may say why don't we get back together again. Of course, but I know for sure it wouldn't be the same. There's always a reason why we broke up, and why I have broken up with six others after YKW. Sometimes, it just a journey upon discovery of yourself. I have seen it that way, perhaps you may say I'm in denial, as it shows who I am. But who I am is who I am, and it doesn't define me. I like to think that I got better and better as I love and lost. I learn more about myself that way. Of course, there will be hearts broken, but I guess, in a way, it's also a lesson for them.

Recently, someone from my past, anonymously said to me, "What had happened to you? You found someone else, and you let them go, you're so ungrateful and you will never be happy!" Perhaps that person, perhaps that person is one of the six ex-es, perhaps that person is right. I will never be happy. Whoever I am with. It's blunt, maybe the truth. I appreciate that kind of honesty, because it cuts right there deep in my heart, because, perhaps, perhaps it's true. I can never be happy because happy comes from within me. We rely on others to make ourselves happy. And I'm afraid, I have been addicted to that. So back on the 'no'. Yes, I still have that aching pain in my heart, knowing that each day I am not with YKW. But part of me always say, it's meant to be.

The positive side of things of the 'yes', I have healed, knowing fully aware that YKW is happy. And I keep telling myself that YKW is happy, even though it is without me. I am happy knowing that someone else you had loved with all your might is now happy. Perhaps not that happy, but then again, if I get back to YKW, I ask myself if I could ever make YKW happy. And I know from deep inside me, I can't. Because I simply can't. Things are much better separated. Ironic, but true. We move on. We just continued living, because we just have to. We hope. And that's the main thing that helps us move on. We have faith. Hope and Faith. That's all what we need. I'm not writing this to open up old scars but I guess, a chin up for my particular friend that is having a hard time moving on.

Every day, I hope and I held on to my faith in my heart, and pray, that someday, someone like YKW will come and we'll live happily ever after. Easier said that done. And if not, well that's just the way life is. It's full of surprises. Sometimes it bites you. Sometimes it delights you. Nevertheless, its upward and forward. I can't turn back time, and I can't waste my time thinking about 'what if'. I believe some things are just meant to be, not to our liking, but it's meant to be. It is also a journey for them as it is for us all. Sometimes our paths crosses and then it's time to move on following the flow of our path.

No one wants to be sad. No one wants to be stuck in a rut. No one wants to stand still at one point in our path. We move, we learn and important of all, we change. I look back at my six failed relationships. They all taught me little things that I need to know to make a relationship work. Would I embark on another relationship? Of course. Sooner or later? Only time will tell. The thing is we try. And try.

I know what I have been blabbing about, is upfront obvious, but sometimes, the obvious can be blurry to some. On my personal life, besides not feeling well, I actually got to know someone online. I am hoping that it would not lead to a relationship, as I am fasting from that, but somehow I feel drawn to it. I kick myself (really) that I should not have any feelings. And I intend to keep it that way. I suppose I need to start putting myself first. Detoxify myself. From love. Love in this sense is the need to love someone in hope that they will love you back. Love can be addictive. Just like any other intoxicating matter. I gives you that natural high. So I need to kick out from that ugly cycle. Being alone by myself is dreadful. I feel dreadful now, I feel like I don't have anyone to share my life with. I have this need to be love, I have this need to love someone. It's bursting out of my chest, but I have to tame that down.

I'm going home tomorrow, Monday. And I shall recuperate in bed for the rest of the day. Because I know that I will be getting sicker than I am right now. So anyway, I wish my particular friend, the best of everything. And stop dwelling into unnecessary thoughts. Just be happy for you lost love. Have faith and hope, even though every time you feel that you have taken a step ahead, then it throws you two step behind. Just stand up, brush yourself and brace for another. So anyway, that's it from me. I feel my medicine is kicking on me now...

Until then...