Kellaz, A Journal

Happy New Year 2010 to my dear readers, here, there, world wide. Somehow, if I could summarise 2009 into one word, it would be "disappointment".  2009 have not be gentle and kind to me, 2008 was even worse.  And this year was full of heartache and disappointment.  I guess, I'm part to blame for living it the way it was.  And I suppose changes were within my grasp but I kept as it is and I chose to run it like that.  (What am I on about?)  But basically, all I'm trying to say, I've got no one else to blame but myself. I don't know how much fun and surprises, disappointment and sadness, 2010 will bring me.  I guess, I'm not having any high hopes for myself in 2010, and even to the point of having any hopes at all, no resolution this year, I'm just going to live it the way it is.  I guess that's a better way of approaching things. As for me and SA, I have been onshore for a day and a half, we still haven't met.  Actually we could have met ...

I'm writing this close to midnight.  Tomorrow morning, I'll be going home after being 16 days offshore.  It has been quite a long haul, and it has it ups and downs, but this time it is different. What difference is it from the other offshore shift that I had before, you may wonder?  Well, this is my last shift.  And I'm not coming back here again.  Okay, I know from previous post I have said this before.  This time, it is (maybe) for real.  I say maybe because it depends if there will be anyone to replace me next year, so otherwise I would have to go to relief my colleagues again. I have told my boss that I would like to remain onshore doing office work full time, and not relief my colleagues anymore.  The reason is, I'm tired.  I'm tired of juggling my office work and offshore work, and when I do go offshore, there will be no one to back me up.  So no one is cleaning up the mess for me onshore, while I clean up the mess offshore. ...

Insignificant, because there's isn't much to update.  Everything seemed very routine, work - eat - run - sleep.  Watching TV when I can, catching up on last season's American Idol. Other than that, it's like walking on the plains of everything plain.  Not much excitement, I must admit.  I'm sorry that this post is a let down.  There's pretty much nothing else to talk or say or describe.  But then again, I've lost some weight.  No hang on, I've gain some weight, well actually it's muscle mass that I gained.  Those protein shakes do work wonders, as much as I hate taking them.  I've got rounder and well-defined shoulders and when I look in the mirror, there is some or maybe just a little sexiness to it. LOL.  I'm trying to get my chest pumped up (not of a feminine shape, of course) but trying to build my chest look good, but these chest hairs of mine, they made it look... (I actually paused to think about a word to describe it, hang on.....

My shift offshore this time, is as per my last post, walking in the plains.  I'm easing up on the work, and finally caught my rhythm.  So I managed to catch up with a lot of things plus a couple of confusing surprises in the interim. Oh before I digress any further, speaking of surprises, I would love to send a dedication of this post to my best friend in the whole wide world, Billy , because it is his birthday today (19th December).   Billy, if I am onshore, you'd know that I would always be there for you and I really hate to be away on the day when you were born.  My thoughts are with you.  All the best and enjoy your day. Alright, dedication over.  Where was I, oh yes, work.  Work seems to be in it's rhythmic pace, as an engine running smoothly after accelerating to a certain velocity.  And now it is at cruising speed.  Okay, I'm going to bitch (or whatever you can call it), but during this shift, I have found out that a lot of fishy t...

It's true, like most changes we make, the first few adjustments is the hardest and then, it's just a walk on the plains... figuratively speaking, that is. Today is the third day I'm offshore and things started to settle in.  Yesterday, I went into the Daily Progress Report, a.k.a DPR, and found that most of the things in the DPR needs to be revamp and that took me about three freaking hours to complete.  I am surprise since I left the team, the DPR has deteriorate significantly and it's just pure ridiculous in it.  The supervisors and my colleagues have failed to understand the acronym DPR itself.  It's Daily Progress Report.  Daily.  Simple as that, but what I found in the DPR was obsolete information gathered for months and months, and everything seemed jumbled up like wild grass.  I simply couldn't understand it. I remembered when I used to be the CSR (Company Site Representative), the DPR, if it could be described, was like a royal silver pla...

At the moment, there are a few countdowns that I'm thinking of.  Like everyone else, one countdown to the New Year.  And others are my countdowns for my long haul offshore, and the last countdown till the time I get back onshore. I am really dragging my feet when it comes to going offshore.  I blame being offshore as part of the reason why some of my relationship had failed.  And this thing with SA, I am really afraid of losing this one.  Although it is not a relationship as such, but I guess in the last few days we have bonded nicely, learning about each other, perhaps to find compatibility.  So far we found many differences between us, in terms of personality and the way we manage things.  SA is introvert, whereas I am extrovert.   I am very expressive, while SA keeps things hidden and subdued. I confess that I sometime wish that I am introverted.  Sometimes, keeping quiet and keeping things to yourself have this awe of strength. ...

There will be plenty of times when I can get overwhelmed by my own emotions. And I've learnt a new skill lately, which is rebooting my emotional system.  And put it into blur mode.  It works wonders.  Separating my emotional thinking and using my rational thinking instead, but in the background the emotional thinking running.  Does that make sense? I've learnt to be 'there' (i.e. with SA) yet keeping myself at pace, bracing myself for any sudden halt.  And so far, there haven't been any.  I've confessed and confided my emotions with SA.  But yet SA kept everything at bay.  But SA have been giving positive signals and feedback lately.  I would be lying if I say I had no hopes.  I do.  I am hoping that SA would reciprocate my feelings.  Yeah, if you think high hopes, that stands true as well.  But I am always at standby mode to brace myself to cushion my heartbreak if so happens. But as the advice that came via comment...

I know it's impossible to take your own words and eat it up.  And I don't mean to write an apologetically  post.  But with regards to my last post; I know crap,  I know nothing about love, feelings and what-have-you-not.  I have evidence of it.  Nine failed relationships in 13 months...  How crap could I be? Who am I kidding?  I've gotten way over my head, didn't I?  I knew it, I knew you'd agree.  I've let my emotions run over all of my thinking.  I am a stupid bleeding daft git.  As ambivalent as I am, as a fool as I am, as an idiot as I am, one thing that might be ironic to some is that I'm a realist.  People who know me, I keep things real.  And this is the reason for this post.  Trying to keep it real.  Yeah, perhaps you are right, maybe you are right, that I'm having cold feet with this wonderful new...  I don't even know what I could call it as, this thing I'm having, this once sided sad story ...

I'm not sure, if this is the first time I've felt like this.  Missing someone like crazy.  Missing someone badly. I feel like a fool right now.  I don't know if I had mention this before, but if you track back of all my post that I have written,  of all the relationship that I have been through, I consider only one that remains real and have touched my life tremendously.  That was my relationship with YKW. If you had known YKW, you could ask when did I said the sacred three word?  If you don't know, let me tell you then.  I told YKW "I love you" almost four months into the relationship.  It was very difficult for me to say those words.  When YKW said those words to me, my replied was "thank you".  It didn't go well, at first, but after explaining why I had said so, YKW understood that it takes time for me to say what I really feel. I wasn't sure at first, but I am thankful to YKW's perseverance, we managed to stay together for two w...

Sometimes there are some saying generalising that "the harder you try to avoid and resist, the stronger the pull". And yes, this time around, I am talking about love, but not love per se.  I am highly and deliriously infatuated with someone at the moment.  It was just one stupid blind date (I knew, I should have avoided it!!!).  I'm hoping to get this feeling over and done with.  But I just couldn't put a finger, what this feeling that I am having.  I know I've felt like this before and these feelings will led me to a path that I am trying to avoid at the moment.  But the more I try to avoid, the inevitable it becomes. If you had imagined a perfect partner for you, physically, emotionally and psychologically, and then one day, that perfect partner that you imagined, came into your life.  Would you still turn your cheek away to proof to your own word if you had said in the first place that you will not fall in love again.  If you ask me, I'm tr...

Hang on, it's not about love.  No, no, I'm still single, I've avoided dating again.  No issues on that area.  Yet. LOL. Anyway, what breaks my heart at the moment is the situation with my family.  I don't know what's wrong with my family, they have the tendency to just break your heart.  I don't want to talk about it here as it is, of course, a private nature.  I guess in some ways, families can be like a drug.  It's good for you and and sometimes when it gets abused, otherwise.  It breaks my heart when I see a family member causing the heartbreak and sometimes I wonder when will they grow up. At the moment, I love to stand far away from the matter and keeping my distance well clear.  My family have the tendency to pull me, like a gravitational pull into their problems.  Expecting me to clear all of thier sins and problems.  In all honesty, I am sick and tired of solving their problems.  In fact I kept on wondering why? ...