A First Time (Perhaps)

I'm not sure, if this is the first time I've felt like this.  Missing someone like crazy.  Missing someone badly.

I feel like a fool right now.  I don't know if I had mention this before, but if you track back of all my post that I have written,  of all the relationship that I have been through, I consider only one that remains real and have touched my life tremendously.  That was my relationship with YKW.

If you had known YKW, you could ask when did I said the sacred three word?  If you don't know, let me tell you then.  I told YKW "I love you" almost four months into the relationship.  It was very difficult for me to say those words.  When YKW said those words to me, my replied was "thank you".  It didn't go well, at first, but after explaining why I had said so, YKW understood that it takes time for me to say what I really feel. I wasn't sure at first, but I am thankful to YKW's perseverance, we managed to stay together for two wonderful years.

So what is this first time I am on about this time?  Truth to be told, despite the number of relationships that I had under my belt, it takes time for me to really fall in love, although I must admit those three words were easily expressed after my relationship with YKW.  Perhaps, subconsciously, maybe, I was desperate to share and spend my life with someone.  I remember telling YKW that I really really really really really like YKW, before admitting that I was in love.  Before YKW, I loved to be single, living the life that I always wanted.  I have been bounded by my family so much, back then, I did everything for them, and when I 'lost' them, I was enjoying my own life for the very first time.  You can say that was the point in time, I was most independent.  And enjoyed it very well.  My single, carefree life came to an abrupt halt when YKW entered my life.  And slowly, everything changed; for the better, when I think about it now.

When YKW left, I was so dependent for emotional support, even physically.  Basically, within those two years, I've let YKW become my emotional crutch.  And perhaps that was the reason why it was easy for me to say those three words after YKW.  Subconsciously, desperate perhaps.  I don't know, maybe it's not my place to judge, perhaps it is others to judge and comment the way I lived my life.  After YKW, I embarked on almost nine relationship in the course of 13 months.  I say almost nine, because one relationship lasted 10 days, and the decision was relatively mutual, because, well, let's just say, I accidentally entered a relationship triangle.  And my presence was not required and I excused myself from the complication.  Enough about past relationship.  But all of them inclusive of YKW, they were the one who proposed the relationship to me, and me being ambivalent, just accepted it willy nilly, without much thought and consideration.  If you remembered in my previous posts, I was merely giving the time and chance if things could work out, but eventually none manage to last.

Talk about digressing... so yeah...  This is the first time that I feel compelled to propose a relationship.  This is the first time, that I am so much attracted to someone.  This is the first time, I feel that I truly wanted to be with someone.  This is my very first time of falling in love.  Don't get me wrong, there isn't a relationship at the moment.  I am not in a relationship.  So far, from my knowledge, I am the only one feeling like this.  I have no or very little clue what SA is feeling at the moment.  Perhaps SA is a cautious  or carefree just like I was before YKW.  I don't know.  Like I said previously, I feel like a fool.  Somehow naive like falling in love for the first time.  I feel pretty silly about myself.  I feel so stupid.

Being offshore doesn't help, I suppose, I feel helpless, that I can't do anything to make things happen.  Perhaps, this is a blessing?  Perhaps this the divine ways of trying to slow me down and not rush into things.  Good God!  Can you tell me how many "perhaps" that I have written in this one post?  Talk about being ambivalent eh?

Work kind of sucks at the moment, no, not because it is a Monday.  But particularly on the behaviour of my team lately, they have been taking shortcuts and manipulating things around.  Which is totally unacceptable and irresponsible behaviour.  I have been offshore for the last few months, relieving for my colleagues for a few days.  I have told them time and time again, to clean up the office.  The office is slowly piling heaps of worthless paper containing outdated information.  So last night while they were having dinner, I locked the doors and pulled all the stickies and paper stuck on the wall.  All of them.  I have been asking them to rotate the table to make more space for people to work on, for months!  And last night, I did it all by myself and I found so many rubbish hidden behind the table.  It was disgusting.  There was a plastic cup that looks like have been left there for months.  It is simply ridiculous.  All these while I have been tolerating all of these things, but last night was the last draw.  Sometimes, you'd just have to do the dirty work yourself.

In the office lies on the table, a desktop PC, which we have been using to do work, but unable to connect to the internet.  For months and months, they have been provided with a reliable laptop to work on, and yet it remained sitting on the other desk unused.  I have told them repeatedly to transfer all of their work to the laptop, but nothing have been done so far.  So today, again, I draw the line.  I transferred everything myself!  Shut off the PC for once and for all.  I can't even to begin to describe the condition on the table.  It is absolutely revolting, dust and stains of unknown nature, and cable wires... everywhere!

I just realised how much relief it is to write down your frustration.  I just hope that it has no effect on you.  Sometimes, vibes, positive and negative in nature, can be infectious.  But anyway, today is my last day, and tomorrow morning, hopefully I will be home bound.  I can't wait to see SA again.

So anyway, enough ranting, until then....