Wrong Ace in my Hand, No More Mr. Nice Guy

".... If more than that, I pull out".  That was the last text message from SA.

Disappointment theme still going on to this year.  I started writing a simple text message.

"Am I needed?"


"Sorry, I guess you notice I've got a problem of spending my time with you.  You wanna take me out?"  


"It's okay, I just want to know if I have been clapping with one hand.  Just put me on my place so I can stop hoping"


"Sorry again, you know I'm away most of the time, relationship area, I can't touch.  That's my shortcoming"


"Is that an answer or an excuse?  Don't get me wrong. I'm not demanding anything.  Just wanted to know where I am standing"


"It's an answer.  As friends, I'm okay, if more than that, I'm pulling out"


"Thanks"

So that's it.  Friends.  It always had been friends.  I had hopes, not high, some hopes that we could somehow work something together as more than that.  Since I have been back from offshore, I have not seen SA.  SA invited me to a barbeque get-together at a best friends gathering, after I had made arrangement with my siblings to celebrate new year at a popular cafe spot in Gadong.  Asked if we could meet after that, SA told me that friends invited to spend new year at a hotel.  After that, I asked again, if we could meet, SA turned me down out of tiredness.

I would be lying if I said I am not upset at all.  I am, although, through the times we have spent together, I knew that there we were more than friendship, but somehow, after about 20 days apart later, pseudo relationship went into a cold trail.  Perhaps SA found someone else.  Maybe.  It did cross my mind.  Maybe the timing wasn't right.  Maybe.  I stopped thinking about what went wrong.  But I am more angry with myself than I am with SA.  I held my aces in the wrong hand.  Or perhaps, too long.  Pah!  Fuck it.

And thus, there it is, the next chapter of my life.  NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!!!  It is so true what the saying goes "Good guys always end up last".  No, more like pathetic.  So I'm stopping here.  I'm more determined than ever to shut this stupid measly little precious heart of mind down!  I'm summoning the evil in my heart, so at least for once in my life time, I end up first.  I don't care if it lasts or not.  But I get what I want in the end, whether it lasts or not.  I refuse to be the victim of my own stupid pathetic heart.  My heart, my love is weak.  Frail.  Lame.  Hollow.  It has to stop.

2010 will be great for me.  This is the year to make my mark.  I don't care to whom, where, when or how.  It shall be great for me.  I know for sure.  I'm sick and tired of being the victim, feeling like a victim, treated like a victim.  It must stop.  I must stop holding out my heart on my sleeve.  I know I shouldn't have let SA get to me, but it did.  It happened.  Stupid, stupid me.  Pathetic me.  It is time to change.

Until then, live life to the fullest...