Getting Ahead of Myself
How am I going to say this? Let me see...
Actually, I've started dating again. The latest date that I had, pulls me back to the same cycle again. No, don't get off your chair just yet (to smack me). But I'm trying my best to pull every energy left of me to avoid going back to the same situation.
I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit. But not this fast. It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed. No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it. Well, honestly, still resisting it. It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds. Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again. Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog. No, it's not, it's a story of me. Kellaz. A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations. But sure enough, I have to agree, for the past few months or perhaps a year, this blog have been revolving around my love stories. No, correction, my pathetic love stories.
I know it's weird to pour out so much into a blog, especially being in Brunei (it is a place where everybody almost know everybody, seriously, really), stories like this do get around easily. But I'm not doing this for attention or fame. But, every single time I write my thoughts and feelings on the blog, that nudging feeling, the burdening feeling on your head and shoulder eases up a little bit. But from recently experience, some of my thoughts were retaliated against. I guess, the saying is true, you can't please everyone. Nevertheless, eventually we move on to better things.
I would love to write more on this current... (I'm thinking of what to call it), it's not a relationship for sure, and it's more than a date), but this... situation that I am in. But one thing I am sure of, I find myself pulling out, because I guess, the other party is pushing too hard on me. I feel trapped somehow, it's a weird feeling. Secretly I want in, but I am seriously traumatised by my seven and a half relationship that I have been through. Seriously I'm sort of terrified of relationships. I know for sure that I'm not that ready to hold a new relationship. But it's going too fast and too soon. I'm freaking out, really I am.
I don't know, I guess, my ambivalence is taking over me. I'm confused, but I'm at the point of beyond confused, that I push it at the back of my mind, taped the nagging feeling silent and just go through my daily life as usual. But that burden of 'unfinished business' is still there. But anyhow... like the title of this blog post, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. I just need a little time and space right now... A breather, so to speak...
The processing state of my, well, estate, is still going smooth, although realising it has gone a little bit quieter, I guess the bank and the lawyers are in transit discussions about the way forward. But anyhow, I'm keeping tab on everything, ensuring that the payment can be done as soon as possible. I'm tracking really really hard on this matter. I sometimes feel like I am holding my breath all these while... as I wait for my body to rise up from the murky waters... It's scary, but like everything else, we put our worries and fear behind and do the best we can.
Rambling unnecessarily, I have been, it seems... Got nothing much else to say actually, just keeping my readers happy by posting some thoughts of mine...
Until then...
I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit. But not this fast. It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed. No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it. Well, honestly, still resisting it. It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds. Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again. Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog. No, it's not, it's a story of me. Kellaz. A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations. But sure enough, I have to agree, for the past few months or perhaps a year, this blog have been revolving around my love stories. No, correction, my pathetic love stories.
I know it's weird to pour out so much into a blog, especially being in Brunei (it is a place where everybody almost know everybody, seriously, really), stories like this do get around easily. But I'm not doing this for attention or fame. But, every single time I write my thoughts and feelings on the blog, that nudging feeling, the burdening feeling on your head and shoulder eases up a little bit. But from recently experience, some of my thoughts were retaliated against. I guess, the saying is true, you can't please everyone. Nevertheless, eventually we move on to better things.
I would love to write more on this current... (I'm thinking of what to call it), it's not a relationship for sure, and it's more than a date), but this... situation that I am in. But one thing I am sure of, I find myself pulling out, because I guess, the other party is pushing too hard on me. I feel trapped somehow, it's a weird feeling. Secretly I want in, but I am seriously traumatised by my seven and a half relationship that I have been through. Seriously I'm sort of terrified of relationships. I know for sure that I'm not that ready to hold a new relationship. But it's going too fast and too soon. I'm freaking out, really I am.
I don't know, I guess, my ambivalence is taking over me. I'm confused, but I'm at the point of beyond confused, that I push it at the back of my mind, taped the nagging feeling silent and just go through my daily life as usual. But that burden of 'unfinished business' is still there. But anyhow... like the title of this blog post, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. I just need a little time and space right now... A breather, so to speak...
The processing state of my, well, estate, is still going smooth, although realising it has gone a little bit quieter, I guess the bank and the lawyers are in transit discussions about the way forward. But anyhow, I'm keeping tab on everything, ensuring that the payment can be done as soon as possible. I'm tracking really really hard on this matter. I sometimes feel like I am holding my breath all these while... as I wait for my body to rise up from the murky waters... It's scary, but like everything else, we put our worries and fear behind and do the best we can.
Rambling unnecessarily, I have been, it seems... Got nothing much else to say actually, just keeping my readers happy by posting some thoughts of mine...
Until then...
Comments
are you afraid of trying again?
not afraid but more of, tired of trying... best solution to reduce complication is to avoid it at all cost. Then again, life is complicated already as it is... :)