Kellaz, A Journal

Hello, I'm back. I sincerely and truly apologise to my fellow readers for my unannounced long hiatus.  And perhaps that will be the case from now on.  I will be on and off from this blog. Alright, most of you would want to know why the long delay of absence from this blog.  Simple.  I am in a very commiting and serious relationship.  And I'm trying to keep my head out of the clouds and keep my feet on the ground.  I have realised that, sometimes, I have to stop wondering and analysing things and just do it.  Go to the deepest end and see whether you sink or you could swim.  Writing my thoughts, although most of it are postive things, by letting things out in the open can cause some harm than good.  And if I wanted my relationship to work, I will need to keep thing off the table.  There are such things, too much good can harm you as well. So I'll just update you things that are about me.  In March, I left KA and went with som...

I am laughing.  Deliriously laughing!  And if I am not laughing, I am smiling from one ear to another. Obviously some of you would have read the 'attack' on my shoutmix which in my personal opinion was totally and utterly really really funny.  I am trying to see the connection of such comments with regards to my current stature.  First and foremost, Karma had paid me a visit, decided to give me a break for the past one month and gave me a beautiful soul to accompany my heart.  Okay, that's an overstatement, let's just say, something to keep me busy.  Sometimes.  (Don't be cheeky on me now... LOL) And all of the sudden; wham bam!  "Wolf! Wolf! Bastard! Wolf!"  And I'm just in shock!  I am as if going, telling someone, to turn the gawd damn page for this poor soul.  Obviously, stuck in the last freaking chapter.  I've written new chapters... I am going... o h c'mon... keep up will ya?!  Any of you getting any of this? ...

Note: This post was written 1st March, sorry for the late publish. There comes to a point in our life when we want something permanent.  Love being one of it.  Lust likely being temporary.  Maybe. Last night, after work, I fell asleep only to wake up at about quarter to 1 am.  There were 5 missed calls, 1 from a friend and the other 4 was from my best friend, Billy .  He call me at that amount, because I was supposed to have dinner with him, but I fell asleep.  So I called him up at 1am and he answered.  I tried to make it up to him and decided to hang out at his place instead.  So about 2am, I arrived at his place with 2 packs of Nasi Katok and a bottle of Green Tea.  We talked and ate whilst watching Sex and the City Movie that was on HBO .  A particular scene made us talk about relationships, Samantha gained weight because she ate to keep herself from cheating from her boyfriend who stood and stuckby her.  Billy said, "...

For My Favourite and No.1 Reader fan... Lest talk not about my love life for a moment and talk about something else. The dating game.  The question that I am interested, is it really a game?  What do you do in this games? Some people show their true colours, and some pretend.  This is what we call courtship.  But then again, if we pretend to be someone else during this courtship, is that wrong?  Is that considered a lie?  So where would we draw the line of pretending so that we get the love that we wanted or just plain lying to another? Playing in the dating game, is personally, daunting.  However, not as to praise myself, most of the time, I try to be myself and most of the time try to make my date feel comfortable.  That is the only thing I try.  Other than that, with all respect, take it or leave it.  Yeah, our date could be this wonderful sexy human being on earth, but if he or she doesn't go in par with my thoughts and my fee...

I was at the peak of my stress, causing my body to shutdown.  That happened this week. In the office there's this one bully.  A manager who seems threatened by my, perhaps, enthusiasm or perhaps my ability to lead.  He had always under estimated my capabilities as a shutdown engineer.  Perhaps, I was the only one who stands up to him and disagree to what he was saying.  Purely because he does not know shit of how we run our operations.  He dictates everyone, and for the past couple of years, it seems that he have managed to tame my colleagues to his command.  Consequently, they jump, run and climb as ordered.  And they are not leaders within my unit.  Everybody just follows what he says even they disagree to his decision. After the Chinese New Year, I was being bullied by him via email, showing my lack of command, to my bosses, and I replied unduly with reasons upon my decision that I have made.  The next day, he wrote an sarcastic e...

If life is a answer, what would the question be? Life itself is full of questions.  A friend once asked, what is the meaning of life?  At that point in time, I told her, life has no meaning, we just live it, as it is to a lamp, it just shines.  And as what Forrest Gump use to say about stupid, "Stupid is what stupid does" and life is just like that.   I thought I had the answer in my hands.... Don't expect if I have the answer.  I am as clueless as you are.  That is assuming you don't have the answer, and if you do, feel free to share it with me.  This long weekend was spent searching for the question I've been asking myself more recently.   What's wrong with me?  I find myself feeling so low and depressed.  I feel as if I am struggling to live.  Hope, faith and emotional strength flushed out of my body somehow, I breakdown so often.  Why is it so hard for me to love and be loved in return? As I searched for the answers,...

Seemed to be the theme of my life at the moment...

Apologies for the inappropriate outburst with respect to my previous post. I was severely depressed after feeling pressured from a fling and an out-of-the-blue contact from a resulting blind date (known as SA in December posts), they both arrived in my life at the same time.  And I suppose it overwhelmed me.  A lot.  And it took over my head and I had to let it flow out of my fingers if I was to get any single ounce of sleep. I felt that I was so close, yet so distant from love.  I felt that I have to go that extra mile to be loved and that extra mile, is actually not just a mile but a far off distance, maybe thousands of miles.  It is as if, you are stuck in the desert and you are severely dehydrated.  Someone comes to you with water and offers you a drink, but you have to cut your wrist to get it.  You need that drink but you have to suffer to have it.  It's just so frustrating. Why?  Why is it so hard?  Why does it have to be so...

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in returned - Moulin Rouge Movie... And why is it so hard to be loved in returned?  I look back at my life and I think I deserved that much.  But why?  Why is it so hard to love me? Maybe I'm complicated, although I love to think that I am a simple guy, but indeed I am a simple guy.  But why is my life so complicated that loving me seemed to be an arduous task to do?  Blast from the past seemed to be the main theme of my life at the moment.  Past lovers came back to me and came in contact with me in one night.  This very night.  And it is so painful when I come to think of it.  It hurts me so bad that I think that I don't deserved to be loved.  I feel that I am broken.  Broken.  Beyond repair.  Beyond recognition. I like to think that I am a nice guy.  I am a nice guy.  People have told me so.  But why do people leave me in the end?  It ...

If there are a few things I have learnt, and a few things that you know about me, I don't write my blog when I am upset.  By experience, it made me look like a fool.  A stupid pathetic fool. Thus that was why I have been quiet lately.  Actually, I have wrote three full blown beautifully written blog about loneliness, being ashamed of myself and taking my time.  But I have deleted them because now since I have read them back, it will definitely throw you back and go, "What is he on about?" So rather than making a complete idiot of myself, I kept quiet and took my time before I decided to write again.  So being quiet, is when I'm either upset or there's nothing much to say, talk or discuss about the going-ons of my life at that current point of time. So what made me so upset?  Well, it's that fling that I had.  I knew what I was into, but I let it overwhelm me.  We haven't had the chance to meet because of our schedule and this weekend was a p...

And yes, I used a dictionary to come up with that.  No harm in increasing my vocabulary capacity.  In case you're wondering, flummoxed can be defined as perplexed or confused; bewildered. And that was the reason for my lack of updates, confused, bedazzled up to the point of blockage.  Writer's block.  On a blog.  LOL!  Lame, I know.  I did wrote a couple of times, but I didn't publish it, it was just a paragraph or two and then I lost interest.  Some of the things I wanted to write was too convoluted and needed quite an explanation which, in the end, made me lost interest. I was offshore for one whole week and now I am back.  I just came back hanging out with my siblings and their spouses.  It was good seeing them again.  I kindda miss them but, not really, but it was a good hang out.  Everybody was a little quiet, so I let my laptop to die out and had a good chat with them.  I suppose even we didn't hang out that ofte...

Note: This post was written, I can't even remember when I started writing this, it was a few days ago... maybe, 4 days ago?  But anyway, I'm going to continue on this post...  We've learnt from the monkey story. We've learnt from experience.  We've learnt from observation.  We've learnt from others.  We've learnt from advices that was given to us.  We've learnt from examples.  We've learnt about it all. But yet we repeat the same mistakes.  Why am I on about this?  Well, I am about to embark on an dilemma with obvious consequences.  I think  I know the ending, I may know the result, but yet, I find myself drawn into this dilemma.  I once said, stupidity is best defined as consciously making the same mistake again and again.  So am I  being stupid?  I am referring to the flirt.  I somehow find myself being drawn into it.  I can't seem to stop thinking about my flirt.  If you can recall, the one ...

Remember in my last post?  There was a post-script (p.s) at the end? Sensitivity have reduced to absolute chaos.  Here's the story, and I'll write it as a child's book.  Let's just say, there's a male monkey and a female monkey.  Male monkey had made female monkey sick and was treated in monkey hospital.  The tribe of this female monkey calls male monkey to face up what had happened.  Male monkey asked monkey me to help him face up.  Male monkey faced up.  Problem is, this male monkey... is married.  This story, ends there.  But...  a few days later wife monkey found out.  And whole hell broke lose. I am merely the observer here.  I feel bad for wife monkey, I feel I am an accessory to the crime male monkey had made.  I know wife monkey very well.  Fortunately, I think, (an assumption) wife monkey is not mad at me.  I've made my peace with wife monkey.  Nevertheless, being part of this parody, I fee...

Live life to the fullest!  I know some of you would say "Hell yeah!" to that... But do we?  Something I told my best friend today.  "To be honest, I am at the bottom of the wheel.  I am way depressed than you can see me right now.  But laughing and smiling and pushing my thoughts and depression to the back of my mind helps.  It won't solve it, but it helps."  And to add to the misery, I met and talked to YKW today, who is about to go on a date... Ouch!  But let bygones be bygones eh?  I should be over it, but still ouch.  Anyway it seems... people seemed cheerier on my dark moments.  Karma.  What a bitch! But then again, I watched an HBO series tonight, called Hung.  A man who was athletic, a pro-basketball player, famous and popular at one point, but he succumb to his injuries at his middle age.  Unfortunately he's got no talent whatsoever besides his ability to play basketball.  And somehow he turned to the...

It is the weekend.  And weekend is the time when we drop down our hair, let out all the stress that was driving you nuts during the weekday. I consider myself lucky as I have the ability to take two consecutive days as my weekend.  Saturdays and Sundays.  The majority of the population in Brunei works in the Government sectors as civil servants and they have split weekends.  Fridays and Sundays.  By which in my personal opinion, inefficient as they have two days of 'winding down' moments. It is by experience and observation that the working community tend to 'wind down' on the last few hours of closing business (up to half a day), knowing the day after will be a weekend.  Then again, it depends on the nature of work/business, in my office particularly, things pick up pretty hectic during the last few hours of business.  The reason being, most of my colleagues, (anybody really) hate to get work phone calls during the weekend, so every loose end be t...

I'm feeling depressed.  Lately. I try to keep my mood up most of the time, trying to push my thoughts behind.  But when I am on my own, I get an anxiety attack.  Just a short and quick one.  Sometimes it feels like bursting into tears all of a sudden.  No tears were shed.  Yet. Yesterday, Billy and I had our New Year barbeque.  Just the two of us, food enough for two or perhaps three, sitting by the porch. Food was spread out on a throw-over and two lit candles.  The candles were just for ambience.  And it was fun.  It was fantastic how two bored guys can pull up something like that.  Barbecued chicken, sardines, eggplant (yuck!) carrots and onions was the menu.  And some deliciously crispy french fries.  It was simple.  We just talking about how we have spent the new year, reminiscing the past and talks of the future.  It was great.  And it ended nicely over a improvised beverage. Who ever knew that I c...

When oneself had spent their time on their own most of the time, one might easily think too much of their past and their future.  And for the past few days, I have been doing just that. I thought about things I wish I could change, things that I would change and things I can change.  For the things I can change are still in progress.  Changes that significantly transform me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I think I have shared this with you in my previous post.  Last night was particular a restless night for me.  Like I mention in my previous post, all I have been doing after work was sleep and woke up usually around midnight, wide awake, only to fall asleep close to dawn.  Last night was no different.  I remembered before I had these series of relationship even pre-YKW, I used to sleep in the middle of my bed, post-YKW, I seemed to sleep on 'my' side of the bed.  It's weird, and I just thought of it that night.  Why do I k...

I started writing this post a few days ago.  It went as far as just the heading.  I wrote the post heading on Monday as I wanted to tell you about my first day at work i.e. first day in 2010 and working back in the office.  When I finished my offshore shift last year, I geared up my mindset to wake up early every morning and visualise a daily working day routine.  And I admit I am still trying to gear up to the routine, it's feels weird, somehow.  I have not been doing this for almost a couple of years.  And to start wearing 'real' work clothes, feels weird, it's like dejavu which I have never had.  Something like that.  Just different. Speaking of gearing up, it has been a while since I last wore my work shirt, and guess what?  I didn't fit any of them, yes they fit nice on top but around the abdominal area, it's a problematic area.  LOL.  Only today, I found one shirt that just fits nicely.  I forgot that most o...

".... If more than that, I pull out".  That was the last text message from SA. Disappointment theme still going on to this year.  I started writing a simple text message. "Am I needed?" "Sorry, I guess you notice I've got a problem of spending my time with you.  You wanna take me out?"   "It's okay, I just want to know if I have been clapping with one hand.  Just put me on my place so I can stop hoping" "Sorry again, you know I'm away most of the time, relationship area, I can't touch.  That's my shortcoming" "Is that an answer or an excuse?  Don't get me wrong. I'm not demanding anything.  Just wanted to know where I am standing" "It's an answer.  As friends, I'm okay, if more than that, I'm pulling out" "Thanks" So that's it.  Friends.  It always had been friends.  I had hopes, not high, some hopes that we could somehow work something tog...