Migrane Inducing Insomnia Problems

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Last night I was having difficulties sleeping causing me to have a migraine when I woke up. I am feeling exhausted.

This thing, this relationship is spinning in my head and I can't think straight at all. To love or not to love. To stay or not to stay. To try or not to try. To change or not to change. I thought I've gone through it all. But no, this thing I'm having is new to me. I've never thought that to love, I'd have to change (for the better) for the sake of the relationship. Well, to the rational mind, that's good, right? It sounds like a win-win situation, I got a relationship, change for the better and love. Right?

But what if, change is not what you need right now. Or, perhaps, you're not ready to change (when I say here, change for the better, it is a very significant change, a change of your accustomed lifestyle and personality). Is there a compromise? I guess, I need to talk things thoroughly with the other half, but when we do, we never fail to get into an arguement, each stating it's opinion on things. And in the end, either one of us will just nod in anger, just for the arguement sake. At the moment, I'm trying to solve this problem without discussion with the other half. I just don't feel like talking. I just don't feel like discussing. I just want to weigh it all, and see if this relationship could work or not. Or if this relationship needs so much work to make it work. I envy those people who fall in love that goes smoothly without effort.

Sometimes I wonder, what's wrong with me? I know I went into this relationship too quickly, but I knew at that moment that it was the only right thing to do. And I still do think it is the right thing to do. I thought by being faithful, I can maintain a relationship. But no, faithfulness, loyalty, commitment, these key elements of relationship is not enough. I'm in the brink of giving up. Perhaps, I should just be celebate. Or just sperm donor somewhere, knowing that some day a kid will knock my door, when I'm old and frail and calling me daddy?

(Logged off)

I logged off because it was Friday prayers. I didn't go for prayers because I felt so sleepy, very sleepy, so I called my 'brother' asking if I could stay for a while to sleep. I told him to wake me up at 2pm and he did, but I fell asleep again, and woke up at 540pm! I woke up to him smiling to me in the living room, and the first thing I thought of, was who is to blame. He only laughed at me. He said he did woke me up and other than that, it's my fault.

My mind is still on this relationship which is going anywhere. I still feel bouncing here and there without any direction. I guess in time, can tell... Hopefully things will go well, wish me luck... I don't know what else to say... Until then, take care and Ciao!


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