Kellaz, A Journal

I have been quiet for the past couple of days.  There's nothing much to write about the going-ons in my life at the moment, it's pretty much boring or plain.  Work, meeting, eat, run, watch movie, sleep... I will be going home this Sunday, because I have to attend a scaffolding course on Monday and Tuesday.  I'll be back offshore on Wednesday.  I will be staying in KB at my brother's place.  I don't want to stay in Bandar (city) because I don't want to accidentally meet 'you-know-who' (which is my ex and shall now be referred as YKW, because ex just sounds so... ex..., so past tense and sad) No, I'm not mad at YKW , in fact, it's the other way round, I'm afraid of my feelings and afraid of what I would see.  What would I see, you may ask...  I'm afraid or be hurtful to see the 'I-am-so-happy-without-you' or 'I've-moved-on' episode.  Okay, I know that sounds selfish, it's like asking someone not to move on.  But ...

KL.  Check.  Bangkok.  Check. I will be on a trip.  Away from all of this , when I come back onshore.  I need a break.  I need a relaxation, thus this shall be my getaway. It will be my first time traveling to KL using a budget airline.  Obviously I'm going on a budget.  I'm building a home too soon, so must cut cost down as much as possible.  And my tickets to Bangkok too has been booked, not on a budget airline, purely because there isn't a budget airline route there.   It's daunting somehow.  I don't know why.  This trip feels a little different than I'm used to.  Somehow.  But I'm excited at the same time.  Mixed emotions, I must say.  It also has been a while since I last went to KL.  I suppose it's almost two years ago.  Oh, I'm also going to Kemaman, Terengganu to Aidee's hometown.  We'll be spending a few days in KL too.   Aidee has been raving about Kenyir Lake, the largest lake in West Malaysia.  He said he hasn't been there...

I forgot how breezy life is being offshore. Today I got to do some work, attend 5p.m. meetings and run and everything is back to routine. I also thought a lot about moving on.  I'm not ready to move on, although moving on is inevitable.  I think, I shall stay like this i.e. being routine.  My scars on my wrist has cleared up totally, thinking of making new scars, in actual fact, I did found myself a cutter and contemplating to cut my arms again, but before you think or judge me, I don't intend to kill myself again.  I just want to make a little cut, to make the emotional pain a little less hurtful.  I know it's weird but, I think I'm 'addicted' to self inflicted pain...  Just a physical pain or scarring to make the emotional pain a little less hurt.  But I might not do it, but then again, I might... It's silly, stupid and unnecessary, I know, but that's how I feel about it. I suppose everybody has their own way to deal with their emotional pain.  Some pr...

I'm proud of myself today, I'm almost back to my fitness level that I wanted to, although my run is still considered slow, I ran the whole 10kms in 65 minutes.  I'm happy with that.  I kept running and running, by the eighth kilometer, I was really really tired and I felt like I wanted to stop.  But I told myself, "it wouldn't be long, it wouldn't be long, just keep running man".  I persevered. I love to run.  It clears my mind up.  I love running outdoors much more than running on the treadmill.  You know, the wind in my hair or scalp, that is.  The breeze it creates as you cut through air.  I've been slacking off on my running, it's shameful, I know.  A few years ago, I lost a  significant amount of weight by running, at one point I lost 30kgs, basically one third of me.  But now, I've gained a lot, because of my slacking off, I've gained more than 10kgs during the past two years, am hoping to lose at least 10kgs of my weight back to my ...

I can't sleep and my heart is beating fast and strong.  Something feels wrong, something's not right, I can feel it. I feel restless.  I feel anxious.  Am I having a panic attack? So I'm going to write about anything now, let me rant, okay?  Well, you're still reading, so I suppose you're gonna listen to what I'm going to rant anyway...  Okay, this is what I feel right now, I feel unspeakably lonely, I feel abandon for some reason, I feel like I'm in a bubble and if I scream no one would hear me.  I've never had this feeling before.  It's weird.  It feels like someone had just kick me in the stomach and kick me right at my nuts.  I feel like crying.  I'm going crazy, aren't I?  I'm crazy right?  I also feel like someone had just stabbed me right through my heart with a red glowing steel bar.  It's silly but that's how I feel right now.  Truth to be told, I feel suicidal, but I'm not going to do that... yet or ever... I don...

Today, I didn't wake up in the morning, I woke up hungry at 3p.m. because I was not feeling well. I also got an email from my ex, I don't know what I am going to do with it, I didn't delete it, but I didn't open it either.  I'm afraid that the email with hurt my feelings but I also don't know that it won't hurt my feelings.  It is still there in the inbox.  In the subject of the email it says "I don't want to upset you anymore" .  I know my ex, when my ex says that, it's usually the opposite.  And I'm truly trying to get over it and not get upset about it.  What shall I do? I'm afraid to move on, that I have to admit, I received a comment from my previous blog about moving on.  It sounds easier than done.  However, that is what I am doing, slowly but surely.  I've  also been accused for being selfish for not wanting to commit and asking my ex be single forever...  Surely, I never did said that, in my defence.  But one thing for ...

Yesterday, after a few rounds of playing cards of 'sam-chung' game.  I decided to run.   The gym was vacant.  So I had  a good time on my own running.  At the 7th kms, I heard my name being paged on the public announcement...  I called the control room, and he told me to call a number, which I thought to be my housemate.  So I thought, oh well, it wouldn't be that urgent.  Then I continued running again on the treadmill.  About a few minutes later, Aidee and Kafi (one of the trainees) came with a piece of paper, and they told me that a relative called telling me there's a death of someone in the family..  I immediately packed my stuff up and ran to my room, I recognised the number.  My second cousin's number. I called him up, and he told me that his grandfather passed away that evening and wanted me to inform my parents about it.  I called up my dad to no avail, so I had to call my sister, she told me she knew about the news and was about to leave the house with...

"If I can impart with you one piece of knowledge, just one kernel of truth that I've gleamed over my entire being of my existence is this, betrayal is the defining trait of humanity.  Your friends will always let you down." , said the Devil.   I have been watching Reaper Season One which I got also from one of trainees.  Although it is half of the truth, but I do agree with it.  Such an eye opener.  And the worst of betrayal will be from the one you love.  I'm not saying that I have been betrayed, by a friend or a lover.  But somehow it does feel like it a little.  I have betrayed the one I love so many times, but I never did leave.  Or stop loving.  It is ironic though, when the only time I've decided to dedicate myself to one person, that only one left me for another.   Love.  I'm beginning to be pessimist about love.  Because love works only in the extreme conditions of the mind and heart.  When you're in love, you high above the clouds, you feel the wh...

Okay, I didn't mean to write something about my...  turmoil, so to speak, but I have just watched the new Beverly Hills 90210 .  One of the trainees gave me a few episodes of the new series yet to air in this region. One of the scenes were about these two couples, the guy cheated on the girl, and then the girl retaliated back by going out with one of his friends.  And sometimes it reminded me of my own relationship, but not exactly true.  But there were some retaliation, but more on emotional side of it, but I won't go much into that.  So they had this talk about, where that relationship is going, and if that will be the way it was going to be, the retaliation over and over again.  However, he said, "What I did to you was terrible, and I feel horrible, but ... I hurt you and you hurt me, is that how it works with us?  I wouldn't do that to a friend, and we're supposed to be more than friends."  And that hit me like a deer staring into an on-coming headlights....

I have been getting some support from my readers, some from people I've known and some from total strangers, which I am heart-felt touched by your contributions.  But at the moment, I'm left with a feeling of emptiness inside, felt abandoned for some reason, I feel a blank with my feelings.  But I'm almost good I think, and my wrist is healing very well. I have been watching Heroes Series Season Two that I got from one of the trainees here.  I watched the whole season non stop since this morning, and of course, getting a break every now and again.  I just wondered what powers do I would like to have...  One ability that I would like to have is the self recovery or cell regeneration.  I know this sounds a bit mad or totally mad, but I don't mind cutting my wrist again or getting physically hurt, knowing that I will heal back again and I won't be able to die.  I suppose my self inflicted wounds would make me feel better, as a way of release of this hurt and burden in...

Before I left offshore, I was invited to our Departmental Hari Raya AidilFitri Celebration with the theme Ala-Ala Kampung (Village Night).  This is the reason why my time onshore was extended another day.  So I must go. I appreciate this gathering to take my mind off my turmoil the night before.  The celebration was held on the 17th October at LLRC (Lumut-Liang Recreational Club) not far from BLNG (Brunei Liquified Natural Gas) Plant .  I tried to enjoy even at the back of my mind and my heart I was still hurting.  But I got to meet many of my colleagues.  Here are some photos to share with you...  The photos are quite a challenge as it was shot at a dark hall.  So most of them are shaky and blurry.  But these are a best few that I handpicked from the whole batch.  I took almost 400 pictures.  And it was great practise for me. I sat with our Tea Ladies, it was fun, I'm quite fond of the lady in Black, I call her my 'MUM' :) The reception counter...  Ready with a smile Daug...

I received a comment which I didn't want to publish from ...  Well, I don't what to call anymore, an ex, a friend?  Let's just say a special someone... that I was a little biased about my ' story' .  I insulted my 'special friend' using my blog.  Which is totally and utterly not true and not the intention. And very typical of my 'friend' to clarify and explain, which is duly noted, understood and acknowledged.  But my post was never an accusation, insult or to degrade someone.  I suppose everyone who reads it understand that it is about me, not you.  I think, and please forgive me if I digress, wrong or misinterpreted it, that you are still full of yourself.  Please forgive me if I am wrong.  I seek for your forgiveness. That very night, you said you didn't want to feel or be 'the bad person'.  Even after repeatedly asking you to not worry (although reluctantly) and just enjoy your new life, and let me retreat for a while, but my reques...

I'm done.  No, not with regards to anything I do.  But myself.  I am done.   I'm other words, I'm finish.  I'm dead.  I've died. Before I go on, I seek refuge from my readers.  I seek no sympathy, I seek no pity, I seek your wisdom, but I seek for your understanding, I seek for your forgiveness and most important of all, I seek and ask of you to not judge me for what I have done to myself. On the night of 16th of October, I died.  Someone I truly loved, had faith in, had all my trust, someone who entered my heart to a place I have never ever let in, my only family, my hopes and dreams, agreed and repeated after me, when I said  "I guess I am no use to you anymore".  "Yeah, you're no use to me any more" .  Although those words are simple.  But it smashed my heart into pieces. Although I broke a lot of promises, and I was a bad lover, but I had never stopped loving.  And in the end, we ended as friends.  And for the past weeks, I have showed lo...

It never sucks as it sucks to be me. I have a splinter right smack in my heart and the more I try to pull it out, the more it goes deep and the more I pain I felt.  I want to breakdown and cry and scream.  But I feel, the more I cry it out, the more deeper the pain goes.  I feel betrayed by others, and my own feelings.  I know that emotions need to be let out in order to feel better, but I rather have myself burned on the stake.  I want to die, but somehow I felt dead already. Last night, I wanted to breakdown and cry, I never felt that lonely before, I mean, I've been lonely before, but it wasn't supposed to be this painful.  So I went to DeFountain Cafe, where's there people and I won't be able to cry.  I stayed till 5a.m. there.  And eventually people leave the premises back to their homes of comfort. I was there alone, and feeling pathetic.  What's even going to be more pathetic, I will spend three weeks offshore.  Where a shoulder to cry on is more or less doe...

We woke up to a beautiful light ambience.  The room was flooded with sunlight.  Although outside was not a nice sight, it was still a construction site outside.  But we enjoyed the room and the shopping experience, nevertheless. Mercure.  KK @ 1Borneo.  Newly opened.  6th October.  Picture was taken 12th October.  It is still under pre-opening stage, only one floor was open. We came to the Airport very early.  I asked Redz to pose with the palm plant at the airport.  The KKIA (Kota Kinabalu International Airport) was absolutely stunning, and for the first time, I was a little embarrassed and envious for Brunei.  Why can't Brunei with so much money can't produce a beautiful airport like KKIA?  It's beyond my comprehension at times... The column that supports the airport roofing is a decor by itself.  The new airport looks like a mini KLIA (Kuala Lumpur International Airport) Just look at how stunning the picture of the airport once it is completed.  The KKIA is still under c...

Brunei Airport, hasn't changed much since... it was open?  More about Airports in Day Two of this trip Redz, checking us into our room The lobby was stunning... The light Decor at the lobby Lavander Flowers (I think) at the lobby seating area... Our room...  It was beautiful, there was a window over looking into the shower room, I took pictures of Redz in the shower... He warned me not to post it into the blog, if you anybody wants to know how Redz looked like naked... Feel free to contact me LOL... More pictures of our room.  these was the headboard...  The picture above was by Calvin Ng... There were three pillows for us, slept like babies we were... The bathroom was nicely decorated.  I must admit this is one of the most beautiful toilet/bathroom I have ever been into... Perfect lighting, Redz always a nice picture to look at...