I'm Done

I'm done.  No, not with regards to anything I do.  But myself.  I am done.  

I'm other words, I'm finish.  I'm dead.  I've died.

Before I go on, I seek refuge from my readers.  I seek no sympathy, I seek no pity, I seek your wisdom, but I seek for your understanding, I seek for your forgiveness and most important of all, I seek and ask of you to not judge me for what I have done to myself.

On the night of 16th of October, I died.  Someone I truly loved, had faith in, had all my trust, someone who entered my heart to a place I have never ever let in, my only family, my hopes and dreams, agreed and repeated after me, when I said "I guess I am no use to you anymore".  "Yeah, you're no use to me any more".  Although those words are simple.  But it smashed my heart into pieces.

Although I broke a lot of promises, and I was a bad lover, but I had never stopped loving.  And in the end, we ended as friends.  And for the past weeks, I have showed love and care to my bestest ability, because the love that I had in my heart still resonates within me and I gave all I have to give.  But instead, I was demanded to do the impossible.   

This is a message to that special someone:

I loved you with all my heart, you were my soulmate, you were everything.  I gave my all, but even in the end, you demand something that my heart wouldn't be able to do.  I know this was what I have decided.  But I also decided to have you as a friend and as my soulmate.  But, you weren't able to do that.  I expected words of comfort from you as a friend, as we both intended, but since you were in the better end of the bargain, you took myself for granted.  The face and gestures you made, and the harsh words you uttered, I truly don't deserve them.  You were a great lover, but you can't even comfort me in my lowest point of my life as a friend.  I know I'm no better than you are.  I know I've hurt you a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally.  But that very last word you ended with, shattered my heart, you turned away and gave your back to me, like I don't matter anymore.  I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't feel my soul.  I felt dead.  You took it away.  I hurried home.  Because I wanted to cry.  I couldn't held my tears any longer.  I even told you that I wanted to kill myself, and ask for your forgiveness, and your reply, was that you hope I forgive you too.  That just shows that, if I may assume, how full of yourself or self absorbed you could be.  My heart explodes that you didn't even care that I am about the kill myself.  

The night before I tried to be brave, because I kept my bargain of my decision.  Although it was too painful to take.  You couldn't do the same for me, I just couldn't understand.

I took a pair of scissors ready to give my life up, as you left me nothing.  But I guess, Allah SWT still loves me, or doesn't, I'm not sure...  Because the very sharp scissors just wouldn't cut my wrist.  I tried, I tried so hard, blood flowed but it just wouldn't go deep enough.  There was no pain at all, because my heart hurts so much.  I kept crying, and I decided to call Billy.  I suppose I wasn't that crazy enough..  Billy is a friend that I could always rely on.  He told me to stop doing what I am doing, and ask me to have 'iman' (faith) and talked some sense into me.  Billy wanted to come over, but I told him I would cut my wrist with a knife if he comes close to me.  I cried so hard that night, I cried pathetically like a small boy.  I have lost all faith, all trust and I felt betrayed.  Don't get me wrong, I say betrayed not as a an accusation, but more of an eye opener.  I was not betrayed by a lover, or an ex-lover.  But betrayed by a friend who I think the world of.  All I need was a few words of comfort.  To ease my pain, but no, you became a monster who was out to proof that I was the one who created all of this.  That night, you came to me with a vengeance intent when you know I'm already hurt and weak.

This past few wonderful weeks didn't come as a regret as I had the chance to be near and kept you close to my heart.  The friendship ring that I bought for you only ended up as a beautiful accessory to your finger, and not as what we both promise to be.  Friendship.  Soul-mates.  You forgot who you were talking with.  You kept hitting me with your harsh words, reminding me that this was what I "wanted".  I know we were both upset, but instead of trying to be my friend, you crushed me, you hurt me, you broke me down, you purposely tried your best to make me cry and now, you've killed me.  I lay at night wondering is this what I get in return for the sincerity of my heart?

I wished over and over again that the scissors were sharp enough to end my life.  I know it was stupid, but I have lost all of my hopes, faith and trust in you.  And when you reacted the way you reacted, I lost all reason to live.  I know that now you're much happier than I am, and surrounded by wonderful things to come, I didn't ask for much but to be just a friend to me like how I treated you.  I just could not comprehend.  I know you were worried about me, but that night, you were more worried of yourself than you were worried of me.  I know wonderful things are coming you way, and I am not going to stop you from doing them.  But all I wanted was your comforting words when you were there for me these last few years.  All I needed was your support.  But I think, you love yourself more now than ever.  I'm sorry, I'm very sorry if that sounds like an accusation.  But I'm trying hard to understand.

Maybe I've spoilt you with gifts and love that it went up to your head.  But these wonderful few weeks I have been trying hard to ensure your happiness.  Did you realise that?  But what did you do instead?  You left me alone, then when I gave you another chance to talk, you ridicule my every word I say, by rolling your eyes and waving your hands, like I'm talking senseless, when I'm pouring my heart to you...  You said, you were not going to fight fire with fuel, but that was exactly what you did to me.  

I suppose I'm almost fine now.  The way you handed my things to me that night, showed that you were determine more than ever that you want me out of your life and you will not see me again.  I accept that whole heartedly.  So from now on, I wish for your very happiness and I wish you can see life in wonderful colours.  From now on, I shall retreat to the place where I know best, back to my own life.  I know you hate me now, but I hope you can find a place in your heart to remember the good times we had.  It was nice knowing you.  It was wonderful loving you through out these years.  You still remain the best thing that has happened to me, despite my heartache.

Message end...

Dear Readers, as I mention before, please don't judge me for the things that I have done.  I know that you might think I am crazy or insane to do something like that.  But many wouldn't understand the love that I had.  I had found a love that is pure and true.  The ending doesn't matter to me.  So if I may dispense any advice to you, is that, never ever put your eggs in one basket.  Don't put your love, hopes and dreams into one person, because in reality, that is just one big fat lie.  Because people always and always will let you down.  I was once that man, but the pure love that I experience, let my guard down.  I suppose I was blinded by love.  The scar on my wrist will forever be a reminder of that.  Everyday, at least once I look down at my wrist to remind me that no matter what I do, I could never achieve someone's fantasy life and to remind me that I also weak.  

I don't look forward anymore now.  I stay with the now.  I take one step at a time, I am trying to recover, as Billy told me that, all I need is time.  Billy also said, I'm not crazy (yet).  Because right now, I'm not dead.  So that's literally a living proof.  Although I still do think that death is my only answer.  I'm trying hard to see the silver lining behind all of this, but to no avail.  But I will give it time to see it.  So before I go, I shall repeat what I have said before I started to write my feelings in my blog...  Please, please, I beg of you to not judge me, I seek for your wisdom, your kind words, your support and refuge from your heart.  Because, honestly, you're all I have left close to reality.  

Until then...