5 days... and counting.... down...

In five days time, at an early evening....  I will be on my way to KL...  I am really excited and a little scared of going...  maybe I'm just anxious for the day to come.

I will be depending for the whole trip on Aiedee.  Perhaps I will spare some time to meet Zarul too.   I know you'd be reading this Zarul, so spare your time or two, LOL, will get in touch with you soon.  My trip will be a KL - Terengganu (Kemaman) - KL and then back home, I will be working in the office for a few days and then I will be going offshore again.  When I'm back home later in this month, I will be busy moving out from my current dwelling...  Where am I going to stay?  I have no clue myself...  My buddy, Billy had offered me a room to stay at his place only for a while, which means in the long run, I must get my house constructed soon.  Which is another story, I'm sort of pissed off with the movement of progress at the moment...  It's too damn slow, and it's been dragging too damn long...

That aside, why do I have to move?  Well, it's due to personal reasons, and I have nothing against my housemates, they have been nothing but really really nice to me.  But this is my way of moving on...  To start a new life.  After all the emotional adversities that I have gone through, I need a fresh new start.  I anticipate that my staying with my buddy, Billy is not going to be a long stay, so I will have to find a new quarter to squat...  My brother from KB also offered, but that would be only my very last resort.  I'm so blessed with people who cared about me still.  But on the other hand... hmm never mind...

All in good timing I suppose, I'd hate to impose on my friends and relatives, but certain situations forced me to be in such craziness.  To tell you the truth, my life is still upside down, inside out, and I'm feeling so fucked up.  But I'm taking my life day by day, surviving bit by bit.  I'm still trying to find myself, and trying to understand my situation, my faults and what did I do to deserve what I am going through now.  I am still trying to find that one silver lining.  But I suppose, again, all in good timing.  I don't want to move on, but I'm staying put for no one.  I suppose the least is that, I won't blame myself for 'moving on'.  I am not the one who wants to move on.  I suppose I have to move on because I was left behind.  Well, sort of.  Give and take of the situation I suppose.  Sometimes, I look back at my life through the past few weeks and I ask myself, is this how I am supposed to feel after loving someone to death?  Seriously, sometimes, I repeat, sometimes, I don't think I deserve this...  And now, pah!  Depressing... I've lost interest to continue... I'm depressed now...  Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...

I admit there is still some anger in me, sure, I could be blame, but some of it, in a weird kind of way, I didn't deserve it.  But I kept telling myself to just carry on my day, day by day, and not looking back, and start to question myself.  Forward and upwards.  That's my motto.  I find myself sighing sometimes.  It all comes down to... where did I do or go wrong?  I did everything right.  Where's my fault?  But urgh... depressing again... moving on... happy thoughts... happy thoughts....

My, my, I'm rambling... thus, I shall stop here before I write something I regret later...  Okay peeps, until then c'est la vie...!