Thoughts Post... About change

I hoped you like the pictures I posted.  Sorry for taking a while to upload them into my blog.  Unfortunately, there are more pictures, stunning pictures that I took but I couldn't upload them, because I don't want this blog to be just full of pictures.

So what is up with me lately?  Besides, being pathetically lonely, I'm trying to get by the days, day by day...   I met up with a friend recently, and we had a deep conversation about the things I am going through lately.  Although the things he said are blatantly obvious, sometimes, we need to speak of them to realise them.  

My friend is going through some changes of his own.  And he's happy with the changes he made to his life.  He is embracing the changes that he going through right now.  And that night, I lay awake thinking about the changes I am embarking.  He think it is more about evolving into something and changing with the new found knowledge that we gained through other eyes and other opinions.  Sometimes, it only takes logical sense to find the knowledge, because it is just right in front of our eyes.  Sometimes we see flaws in the world, in others but not within ourselves.  So, about change, how am I going to embrace this change?

I'm not dreading this change as much as I used to think, yeah, I might think pathetically about myself and being all negative about my change, but when my friend opened up my mind, I knew what he is talking about.  I mean, seriously, it isn't rocket science is it?  We even talked about idioms and saying that is meaningless and ridiculous, when we think about it, really.  I know who I am much better know, ambivalent most of the time, but I know what I don't like at all.

I start to analyse the relationship that I had.  I suppose, at some point, we went to a point of saturation and it couldn't be salvaged anymore.  I also think if love conquers all, I suppose, we haven't reached that level of love where we could accept each other, no matter what.  I mostly blamed myself for the wrong doings in my own relationship, but the ending of it, I shouldn't blamed myself.  Perhaps, sure yes, I had commitment issues.  But for the past few years, I did show commitment.  Although it wasn't a stable commitment, but nevertheless, committed.

I told my friend that in the end of that relationship, I became the person I hate most.  Hate in this sense is pure hatred.  I became suicidal because someone who matters the most in my life left me for a better life.  I hated myself for trying to cut my wrist.  But I was so lost in myself, and I forgive myself for doing that.  Insyaallah (god willing), I will never do such a thing.  

I know I'm rambling and perhaps what I am trying to say here doesn't make sense, but last night it made so much sense.  I'm happy inside, although I have not recovered fully.  Like I said, I'm just taking my days, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, seconds by seconds.  I don't want to think too much about my past, or my future.  I just live the present and embrace the changes I am going through.  I feels hopeless at the moment, and I hope that will change in the near future.  

So what have been up to?  I have been hanging out with my brother recently.  I do miss hanging out with him and his wife.  Other than that, I'm just spending my time by myself.  My room is still a mess, although I have unpacked most of my stuff out of my suitcase.  I haven't started packing my stuff for my move yet.  As I have yet to decide where I wanted to stay.  My 'brother' Sulaiman have actually plead that I should stay with him.  I am truly touched, but I am a little hesitant to move in with his family because I don't want to feel like excess baggage.  But whatever I decide, it will be a good one.  So change....  here I come!

Until then, Ciao Baby!