Blast from the Past and Love Short Lived

I'm happy at the moment.  More like content with myself.

Thus that was why I feel it was time to put closure and face my past and put it to rest once and for all by starting a dialog with an email.  But apparently, my closure was filled with hate.  It is very ironic.  My ex is still so angry with me.  My ex drove me to kill myself, left me for another (almost), left me with nothing, no hope.  So, I thought, I should be angry with my ex right now.  But hey, I'm not, I bear no grudge on my ex.  In fact I am happy that we broke up.  It was meant to be.  The break-up how hurtful it was, was the most wonderful thing that had happened to me.

I broke a lot of promises with my ex.  I promised to be with my ex whatever the future holds for us both.  But then, the condition changed.  So I broke my promise.  How could I be with someone when the one I love wants to see other people.  That's a freaking death wish.  I was also accused of lying and manipulating.  Wow!  That's a first.  But I accept that.  I was a liar and a manipulative son of a bitch.  Was.

But anyway, I'm glad.  That's all behind me now.  I'm happy, truly truly happy with myself.  I feel free from guilt and all that blame and grudge.  It's just heartbreaking to see that my ex still keep that grudge, hate and blame.  In fact, I was called names when I chatted with my ex in MSN.  You know, I feel sorry about someone who didn't want to change for the better and carry those heavy grudges behind them.  It's almost, sorry to say, pathetic.  Not that I say that of my ex, because my ex is nothing like that.  When I was with my ex, my ex has this wonderful and  precious soul.  I chose to filter all the bad bumps that had happened and let go of them.  I have freed myself to my true self.  It was just that, certain things just could never see the next light of day, just couldn't be saved anymore.

Oh, it's giving me goosebumps to think about the past.  But I see good things ahead of me.  Great things even.  But hang on...  I'm going to contradict what I have just said, the 'sort of' love that I have recently been in, went to a screeching halt.  I was well aware that I was a third wheel in the bizarre love triangle, but I thought the second wheel was history.  And surprise-surprise, last night the second wheel came rolling and called me to back off.  I gladly and whole heartedly do that, because I am not the kind of person who would come between two love birds.  But secretly, I feel good about myself, NOT PROUD, but c'mon, I'm not that good looking, romantic, you know, "That Hot", this is freaking me you're talking about...  And someone calling me to back off because of their insecurities, thinking I am there to rape and pillage someone of theirs...  I mean, seriously c'mon...  one felt threaten?  Of me?  Aww, it felt like that second wheel needs a hug or some kind of reassurance...  

As I have written earlier, this new relationship came to a halt.  I'm giving it time for 'them' love birds to resolve their issues, and let me tell you this, they have A LOT of issues...  And I don't want to be a third wheel, no one does, so by the time I come back offshore.  If the issues are not resolved yet, considered my pseudo relationship closed.  I do that heavy heartedly, but let me ask you guys out there, am I left with any other choice?

Perhaps, I went into this new pseudo relationship, without much understanding of the issues that was left between them, and the feelings happened so quickly without any derivation of logical sense.  It was premature so to speak.  But my feelings are true,  it was not based on a feeling of wanting to fill a void in my heart.  It was more of the other way round.  I've changed.  I've grown.  To be a better person.  I've learnt a lot.  I'm very much a committed man, trying to commit and love someone passionately.  I feel I have a lot of love inside of me, bursting for someone out there, worthy of it.  That does sound like a advertisement doesn't it?  LOL...

New, content true me.  Happy.  That's who I am now.  I feel free.  It's all good...  Until then, peeps, Ciao Baby!