Kellaz, A Journal

Happy New Year 2010 to my dear readers, here, there, world wide. Somehow, if I could summarise 2009 into one word, it would be "disappointment".  2009 have not be gentle and kind to me, 2008 was even worse.  And this year was full of heartache and disappointment.  I guess, I'm part to blame for living it the way it was.  And I suppose changes were within my grasp but I kept as it is and I chose to run it like that.  (What am I on about?)  But basically, all I'm trying to say, I've got no one else to blame but myself. I don't know how much fun and surprises, disappointment and sadness, 2010 will bring me.  I guess, I'm not having any high hopes for myself in 2010, and even to the point of having any hopes at all, no resolution this year, I'm just going to live it the way it is.  I guess that's a better way of approaching things. As for me and SA, I have been onshore for a day and a half, we still haven't met.  Actually we could have met ...

I'm writing this close to midnight.  Tomorrow morning, I'll be going home after being 16 days offshore.  It has been quite a long haul, and it has it ups and downs, but this time it is different. What difference is it from the other offshore shift that I had before, you may wonder?  Well, this is my last shift.  And I'm not coming back here again.  Okay, I know from previous post I have said this before.  This time, it is (maybe) for real.  I say maybe because it depends if there will be anyone to replace me next year, so otherwise I would have to go to relief my colleagues again. I have told my boss that I would like to remain onshore doing office work full time, and not relief my colleagues anymore.  The reason is, I'm tired.  I'm tired of juggling my office work and offshore work, and when I do go offshore, there will be no one to back me up.  So no one is cleaning up the mess for me onshore, while I clean up the mess offshore. ...

Insignificant, because there's isn't much to update.  Everything seemed very routine, work - eat - run - sleep.  Watching TV when I can, catching up on last season's American Idol. Other than that, it's like walking on the plains of everything plain.  Not much excitement, I must admit.  I'm sorry that this post is a let down.  There's pretty much nothing else to talk or say or describe.  But then again, I've lost some weight.  No hang on, I've gain some weight, well actually it's muscle mass that I gained.  Those protein shakes do work wonders, as much as I hate taking them.  I've got rounder and well-defined shoulders and when I look in the mirror, there is some or maybe just a little sexiness to it. LOL.  I'm trying to get my chest pumped up (not of a feminine shape, of course) but trying to build my chest look good, but these chest hairs of mine, they made it look... (I actually paused to think about a word to describe it, hang on.....

My shift offshore this time, is as per my last post, walking in the plains.  I'm easing up on the work, and finally caught my rhythm.  So I managed to catch up with a lot of things plus a couple of confusing surprises in the interim. Oh before I digress any further, speaking of surprises, I would love to send a dedication of this post to my best friend in the whole wide world, Billy , because it is his birthday today (19th December).   Billy, if I am onshore, you'd know that I would always be there for you and I really hate to be away on the day when you were born.  My thoughts are with you.  All the best and enjoy your day. Alright, dedication over.  Where was I, oh yes, work.  Work seems to be in it's rhythmic pace, as an engine running smoothly after accelerating to a certain velocity.  And now it is at cruising speed.  Okay, I'm going to bitch (or whatever you can call it), but during this shift, I have found out that a lot of fishy t...

It's true, like most changes we make, the first few adjustments is the hardest and then, it's just a walk on the plains... figuratively speaking, that is. Today is the third day I'm offshore and things started to settle in.  Yesterday, I went into the Daily Progress Report, a.k.a DPR, and found that most of the things in the DPR needs to be revamp and that took me about three freaking hours to complete.  I am surprise since I left the team, the DPR has deteriorate significantly and it's just pure ridiculous in it.  The supervisors and my colleagues have failed to understand the acronym DPR itself.  It's Daily Progress Report.  Daily.  Simple as that, but what I found in the DPR was obsolete information gathered for months and months, and everything seemed jumbled up like wild grass.  I simply couldn't understand it. I remembered when I used to be the CSR (Company Site Representative), the DPR, if it could be described, was like a royal silver pla...

At the moment, there are a few countdowns that I'm thinking of.  Like everyone else, one countdown to the New Year.  And others are my countdowns for my long haul offshore, and the last countdown till the time I get back onshore. I am really dragging my feet when it comes to going offshore.  I blame being offshore as part of the reason why some of my relationship had failed.  And this thing with SA, I am really afraid of losing this one.  Although it is not a relationship as such, but I guess in the last few days we have bonded nicely, learning about each other, perhaps to find compatibility.  So far we found many differences between us, in terms of personality and the way we manage things.  SA is introvert, whereas I am extrovert.   I am very expressive, while SA keeps things hidden and subdued. I confess that I sometime wish that I am introverted.  Sometimes, keeping quiet and keeping things to yourself have this awe of strength. ...

There will be plenty of times when I can get overwhelmed by my own emotions. And I've learnt a new skill lately, which is rebooting my emotional system.  And put it into blur mode.  It works wonders.  Separating my emotional thinking and using my rational thinking instead, but in the background the emotional thinking running.  Does that make sense? I've learnt to be 'there' (i.e. with SA) yet keeping myself at pace, bracing myself for any sudden halt.  And so far, there haven't been any.  I've confessed and confided my emotions with SA.  But yet SA kept everything at bay.  But SA have been giving positive signals and feedback lately.  I would be lying if I say I had no hopes.  I do.  I am hoping that SA would reciprocate my feelings.  Yeah, if you think high hopes, that stands true as well.  But I am always at standby mode to brace myself to cushion my heartbreak if so happens. But as the advice that came via comment...

I know it's impossible to take your own words and eat it up.  And I don't mean to write an apologetically  post.  But with regards to my last post; I know crap,  I know nothing about love, feelings and what-have-you-not.  I have evidence of it.  Nine failed relationships in 13 months...  How crap could I be? Who am I kidding?  I've gotten way over my head, didn't I?  I knew it, I knew you'd agree.  I've let my emotions run over all of my thinking.  I am a stupid bleeding daft git.  As ambivalent as I am, as a fool as I am, as an idiot as I am, one thing that might be ironic to some is that I'm a realist.  People who know me, I keep things real.  And this is the reason for this post.  Trying to keep it real.  Yeah, perhaps you are right, maybe you are right, that I'm having cold feet with this wonderful new...  I don't even know what I could call it as, this thing I'm having, this once sided sad story ...

I'm not sure, if this is the first time I've felt like this.  Missing someone like crazy.  Missing someone badly. I feel like a fool right now.  I don't know if I had mention this before, but if you track back of all my post that I have written,  of all the relationship that I have been through, I consider only one that remains real and have touched my life tremendously.  That was my relationship with YKW. If you had known YKW, you could ask when did I said the sacred three word?  If you don't know, let me tell you then.  I told YKW "I love you" almost four months into the relationship.  It was very difficult for me to say those words.  When YKW said those words to me, my replied was "thank you".  It didn't go well, at first, but after explaining why I had said so, YKW understood that it takes time for me to say what I really feel. I wasn't sure at first, but I am thankful to YKW's perseverance, we managed to stay together for two w...

Sometimes there are some saying generalising that "the harder you try to avoid and resist, the stronger the pull". And yes, this time around, I am talking about love, but not love per se.  I am highly and deliriously infatuated with someone at the moment.  It was just one stupid blind date (I knew, I should have avoided it!!!).  I'm hoping to get this feeling over and done with.  But I just couldn't put a finger, what this feeling that I am having.  I know I've felt like this before and these feelings will led me to a path that I am trying to avoid at the moment.  But the more I try to avoid, the inevitable it becomes. If you had imagined a perfect partner for you, physically, emotionally and psychologically, and then one day, that perfect partner that you imagined, came into your life.  Would you still turn your cheek away to proof to your own word if you had said in the first place that you will not fall in love again.  If you ask me, I'm tr...

Hang on, it's not about love.  No, no, I'm still single, I've avoided dating again.  No issues on that area.  Yet. LOL. Anyway, what breaks my heart at the moment is the situation with my family.  I don't know what's wrong with my family, they have the tendency to just break your heart.  I don't want to talk about it here as it is, of course, a private nature.  I guess in some ways, families can be like a drug.  It's good for you and and sometimes when it gets abused, otherwise.  It breaks my heart when I see a family member causing the heartbreak and sometimes I wonder when will they grow up. At the moment, I love to stand far away from the matter and keeping my distance well clear.  My family have the tendency to pull me, like a gravitational pull into their problems.  Expecting me to clear all of thier sins and problems.  In all honesty, I am sick and tired of solving their problems.  In fact I kept on wondering why? ...

I have been back to onshore since Tuesday  I came back home to found out that my mobile phone was not working, it just wouldn't turn on.  At first I thought my phone's battery was dead, but upon charging, there was even no indication that the phone was charging.  Feeling deprived of 'communication', I sent the phone to be repaired.  I thought it was either my charger was faulty, or perhaps the battery.  But the technician had a look and it was neither of them, it was the phone. The technician told me if the software was malfunctioning, it would only take a day, but if it was the hardware, it would take about couple of weeks.  It dawn on me, that if it takes a couple of weeks, I can't live like that...  So I did something truly stupid.  I bought a new phone.  It was an impulse buy.  But nevertheless very very therapeutic.  So what gadget did I buy myself this time?  It's an LG KD900 better known as LG Crystal.  It has the...

I'm feeling down at the moment.  I just wish that this depressing feeling just go away and leave me alone.  But I feel, it's really hard to describe, but I think, the closest word that could describe this feeling I have is lonely. I feel empty.  I feel hopelessness.  I'm not sure where this feelings come from.  But I feel like I've lost aim in life.  I'm offshore at the moment, I have been here for the last couple of days.  I will be leaving a in a few hours.  And perhaps being offshore and away from civilisation enhanced this feelings.  I know that I have my future house to look forward to, and there's some target or aim in life to that.  But I feel so empty inside.  I watched the sunset today, and I almost cried.  I don't know why I 'almost' cried (the reason for this, there were people passing by, thus too embarrassed to shed a tear).  I feel sorry for myself.  I feel bad about myself. Maybe with the recent con...

(This post was written on the 18th November) My anxiety attack last night, exhausted me in some ways that I fell asleep.  I can't even remember the point where I fell asleep.  But at least I had a good night sleep. I woke up to day a little late, and I plan to work half day today, because I had errands to run in the afternoon.  But unfortunately, I overslept and decided to take the whole day leave.  Today, the one errand that I'm running became two.  I was supposed to get a letter for the insurance agent and sent it to the bank.  And I did just that, but unfortunately the letter did not mention what was required, so I had to make my way back to the insurance agent and wait for them to issue another letter, then I went back to the bank again.  It was cumbersome for me, but it is something I sort of appreciated because I've got nothing better to do at the current moment. I have been thinking about the anxiety attack that I had last night, and tr...

Last night I had a revisit from a previous love.  I met up with one of my ex "E" , after being apart for almost six months. The reason for this revisit is to see if we could still be friends.  And indeed we could be friends and had wonderful chat, which in turn, had turned into tears.  Well both of us shed tears, of laughter and regret.  Mostly regret from my part.  This relationship failed because I fell out of love, and I didn't think there was any point to keep seeing each other.  It was a mutual understanding.  Well, now, I must say, I was stupid.  I am stupid.  I denied true love even when true love was looking stark right in front of my face. Now, guess who had the better life?  And no, it isn't me.  My ex now found a new man, and this guy is so good looking that it would probably make Brad Pitt blush, and not just that, the relationship is stable and my ex is very happy and psych about it.  What hurts was that my ex...

Tonight, I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what's wrong, but something feels amiss.  Something feels not right.  It got me wondering am I having relationship withdrawal syndrome?  Today, from early morning till now (which is midnight), I have been by myself.  Well not entirely, but I didn't have the company of my friends or family, let alone a lover.  I woke up pretty late, and attended my errands, which is to re-fill the forms for my insurance and sent it to the bank and send the form back to the insurance agent which all ends in pretty much less than an hour. After that, I had my breakfast, lunch and dinner in a cozy little restaurant, I spent about three hours there and went home.  I've stayed home since then up till now.  Maybe perhaps I feel a little claustrophobic being in the house for too long.  And I have been so anxious that I finish half a pack of cigarette.  I'm not sure why, my tongue feels dry and I drank a lot of water caus...

How am I going to say this?  Let me see... Actually, I've started dating again.  The latest date that I had, pulls me back to the same cycle again.  No, don't get off your chair just yet (to smack me).  But I'm trying my best to pull every energy left of me to avoid going back to the same situation. I know, it's a date, and sure enough, in due course, a relationship would follow suit.  But not this fast.  It has gone from a date to a relationship in lightning speed.  No, it's not a relationship yet because I've manage to resist it.  Well, honestly, still resisting it.  It looks good from where I am standing, but I'm so afraid of the future it holds.  Some say perhaps I have this un-ending need from drama, to love and fail over and over again.  Even a reader has labelled this blog as a 'love' blog.  No, it's not, it's a story of me.  Kellaz.  A journal of my thoughts, trials and tribulations.  But sure enough,...

The reason why I have been shying away from blogging is just because there isn't much to say.   But a lot of things had happened, but more towards making my dream house a step closer.  And it's getting there.  This week, I got my approval letter, and fulfilling all of the requirements before approval.  Upon approval, the bank will nominate a lawyer.  All of that will be done sometime this week.  Everything is going smooth. But this smooth running operation came at a very high cost. In just two days, I've spent about $4,000.  Crazy, I know.  Just to letting you guys know out there, to build a home have their preliminary cost, and this sum should come up in terms of your own budget.  Ideally, you should have in hand about $10,000 just to get you loan and construction to set up.  So I'm deliriously broke at the moment. Even as I am typing this post, my mind is still running, I don't even know how to find funds to pay my lawyers, when ...

One thing I know and learnt about blogging is to not blog when emotions are high. From experience, it will only make me look like a fool. Thus why I have been shying away from updating this blog. I have been angry, consequently sad and disappointed by the way my other half is reacting to my emotions. I tried my best to keep my composure but the longer I waited the harder it hit on me. I'm starting to get tired of this relationship, or dare I say, this game that my other half is playing on me. It started earlier this week, when we promise to meet, but cancelled at the very last minute, which pissed me off. I sent a text message, but it was clear that I was upset by it. I understand that my other half had more important things to do. And I'm fine by the cancellation, but, my other half didn't do anything to make me feel better. All I wanted was just a little understanding. So I've decided to play along with my other half's game. Which is doing nothing. A d...

Somethings are too good to be true. Being able to start a relationship with a long lost crush is a great thing to be in. But as all relationships are, they need work. After two weeks, reality starts to set in, and we find ourself having petty arguments. Reality sucks. My head over heels soon became a head on collision because of personality differences. The underlying issue is, would you still stand by the person you love if everything you stood for and believes are not accepted by them? The personality clash that we have are at the far end extremes. And sometimes it feels like I am the only one working on the relationship. Is love alone enough? Does love conquer all? Does it? However, I'm not quitting just yet. Yes, at certain level, love does conquer certain areas of the relationship. But on other parts, we just have to work on it. And I'm pretty sure, the work I'm about to embark on, is no easy feat. Both of us are stubborn, and both of us had ego as big as...

I've been a very bad boy. It slipped my mind but due to the chaos I have been going through recently, I've lost track of time. On the 22nd of October was kellaz.blogspot.com 2nd birthday. On this date, kellaz.blogspot.com was born. Which also means, I have been on therapy for two years. If you had been an avid reader from the beginning, you have seen me bloom (although that's not always the case) from the past two years. Two years have gone so fast and I just couldn't keep track of the things I have posted. Two years and 472 posts (inclusive of this post) have been written. One could have written a screenplay of a drama series out of this blog. So happy birthday kellaz.blogspot.com . I'm sorry that I missed your birthday, but I know you would understand. May 'you' bloom into greater things. To KELLAZ! Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I have been busy for two main reason. In short, one reason, I have been busy kindling a new relationship...

If you once had wished something, and it came true. Wouldn't that be the best thing ever?!! Would it? Think about it... Would it be the best thing ever?!! There's also a saying, "be careful what you wish for, because it may come true". I would love to write more about it, but once upon a time, I did wish something to happen. But it never did. Years have gone by... Year after a year, after a year... and just like that. BAM!!! It came true. And I'm stuck in this wonderful rut. And I don't know what to do. I really want this, I really do, I really, really do, but that means, I'd have to take everything what I have said back. (long pause....) Damn it, after thinking about it, what the hell... Here goes... Years ago, so many years ago, I had this crush, and it wasn't just a crush, it wasn't infatuation, it wasn't lust, I fell in love from the first sight. I kept it to myself and wished that I could be with my crush one day. Years h...