Kellaz, A Journal

I enjoyed my quick break during the weekend, but not really. I came back onshore and touched down Anduki Airport at about quarter past five. My brother was already standing by, waiting for me. I spent a little more of an hour in his place just talking about the going-ons since my absence. Then it was back to bandar. I arrived pretty late. I didn't know what to do. But then again, I was relieved to be back home. When I left offshore at that time, I had a mixed feeling, happy and sad. Although there are many boring parts of offshore and other negative things or how much it sucks, there have been a lot of sweet memories. Also, it is a big change for me to be sitting behind the desk. But I'll think about that when the time comes. I've made some good friends here and I cherish their friendship. But all of that will end soon. My desk job is waiting for me in the office. I'm sure I'll be a little awkward after being away from the office for quite a while. ...

I have been downstairs playing snooker with one of my guys and my first friend in Champion Seven, Edwin. So this is it. My final stay, maybe... I will be staying offshore again in early April, but I think I'll pass on that one. Although I have been whining about how boring being offshore can be, but there have been so many good memories along the way. I have met quite a few number of people and we became friends. I'm not that easy to make friends, because as easy-going that I am, I'm quite a shy guy. I know, I know, don't laugh now, but yes, it takes a while for me to get used to someone. But after more than eight months offshore. Now, it's back to normal. Office work. Oh there's been a good news, I received an email regarding my transfer and my boss had given me a green light to proceed. I just hope that the job is still vacant. So that made my day actually. I must admit I feel quite emotional leaving Champion Seven. I've grown used to some of...

This is my 400th post... Wow... But anyway.... A reader asked me how offshore life is. Well, I guess, I have been taking offshore for granted. So let me tell you a little bit more about it. V, thanks for asking very valid questions. First and foremost, to be able to go offshore, you have to apply for a PSL. Personal Safety Logbook. Then, one has endure a course called BOSIET. That's an acronym for Basic Offshore Safety Induction and Emergency Training. It involves dipping you in a helicopter module into a pool six times. Also basic offshore survival, fire fighting and survival in the sea. A three days course and it depends, some find it fun, some find it tough and scary. And this course emphasise on one thing all the time. SAFETY. After the course, you would have to validate your PSL. And also, you would have to be certified fit to be in the course itself. The procedure is quite complicated, there are so many pre-requisites. This is because once you validate it, your...

Tonight with my earphones blaring in my ears. I spent about almost two hours staring at the sea. I felt blank, My thoughts were blank. Nothing. My brains were silent, it wasn't thinking, it was empty... Although I find myself miming along to the song that was played. I don't know what is wrong with me, but if there graph showing the highest peak of ambivalence, tonight will be it. I don't know how I feel even, am I sad, am I angry, am I disappointed, am I happy, am I cheerful? I felt numb but mostly blank. I was just sitting there staring at the dark black sea. But today was another peak on the graph, I felt total and utterly lazy. I felt so lazy that I just couldn't be bothered with anything. I just feel like I just want to lay (anywhere) and just stare at anything or sleep. I wasn't tired, I wasn't bored, this is just pure laziness. I think I need a breakaway. I need to get away from my routine life. I just want to... (pause) I don't even kn...

Today, I got to 'talk' to my crush. And damn... all the good ones are taken... LOL... Well, at least I feel much better now, that I have no chance with my crush. It's good that I can move on and stop dreaming a dream that would never happen. I was quite disappointed I must admit... but sigh! Thats the way the cookie crumble... So anyway, back to the real life... I'm going home soon in about five days. And I have a very busy schedule ahead of me for the weekend. I got to get in touch with a guy who sells Oakley shades and I really wanted them so bad. And I'm meeting at least a couple of prospective land owners for my house. Also, I'm meeting my best friend and meeting a few other friends along the way. I will be day tripping for a couple of days next week and also sometime the next week after that, I will be coming back offshore for about 4 days. So busy busy busy I will be. I wanted to write something about a reader sent me via a comment that was n...

No, you're not mistaken, it's still my blog... Out of boredom, I played around with my blog and voila... it's all plain white for now. In the middle of tinkering around with it, I lost interest and thus it will stay like this for a while. LOL... Even though I am offshore, it doesn't mean that I am totally disconnected with the rest of the world. I am going to confide to you about something. I'm having a crush. And I've been trying to push it away. But the more I try, the more it comes back again. I don't normally have crushes. And it is rare in my case. I guess I don't fall in love easily. Then again, I am not falling in love. Just a crush. So how would you handle crushes? I am hoping that I wouldn't have to confront. Not that I am a coward, but in my current state, I am not fit to hold a decent relationship yet if things go well that is... Well, sometimes it is about facing my fears. But I guess I will know when the time for me to fa...

I am still not feeling well. A colleague have commented that I look pale. Regardless of my endless 'output'. I kept eating and drinking to replenish my body with water. My diarrhea has ceased last night only to start again once I woke up. Today, I woke up late and a few times I woke up because I had to visit the toilet. I only truly woke up and showered at 3p.m today. Diarrhea really tires someone really well. I feel weak. My body aches. It is just that I am not sure if the aching were because of my workout or my diarrhea. It just ache. I feel like vomiting a few times, but I tried to hold it back as much as I can. I hate to vomit, even when the situation needs to... Then again, nobody does... except if you're bulimic, but anyway, digressing! Being in bed, makes you think a lot. Thus I am going to post a poll right after I publish this post. My question is, does love expire? Will there be a time when love just ceased after a period of time. When life become...

I am counting the days left offshore. Sorry for the lack of updates, for obvious reasons, one being there's nothing much to say and secondly, the internet connection supersucks. (...logged off...) I'm continuing writing this blog at 2 minutes to 5a.m because I have not been sleeping, I'm having a bad case of diarrhea. I guess using milk into my protein supplement doesn't really works well with my stomach. To compensate this, I had to drink over a litre of carbonated water to settle it. I don't know if it is good or not, but this is what I usually do. I drink any carbonated water to settle down, and indeed it has settle down. I don't feel bloated and my diarrhea has ceased. There's nothing much to say, I guess, life offshore is pretty routine as it is. There's nothing much to report. There are things that I wanted to write about but for now, I don't think it is a right time to write. It's a little personal and sensitive to certain extent,...

Three weeks is a long time, but it didn't feel long though to me. But anyway, that was the time I spent onshore, and after a while I forget how it much it sucks to be offshore again. And now I remember why. The internet connections sucks! That's why it sucks being offshore. Other than that, things are okay, work is okay, food is okay, everything is a breeze and a carefree life. The crew bothers me a bit, and it's Crew B, which is by most people refer as the difficult crew. Some truth, and some exaggeration there. But if we have to compare between Crew A and Crew B, Crew A are friendlier and fun to be with than Crew B. But there are cool things about Crew B, they have cool supervisors. Look at me going on like you guys know these crew. In short, I love Crew A, I like Crew B. But nevertheless we are all here doing the same thing and for the same reason. LOL. Yesterday, the internet didn't work at all last night and it is frustrating. I wanted to chat to my ...

I just got thinking that sometimes we depend on others with the most trusted and valuable thing on earth. Love. Why on earth would we do that? I was wondering can a person love him/herself? I mean truly love themselves and happy to be themselves. Never feeling lonely. Always independent. Always happy to be themselves. And being single is the utmost importance in their lives. Is there? I knew a few friends who are not really in love with themselves, but have an "emotional wall" build up around them. They don't let anyone one in, but every now and again, the bricks break bit by bit, and every time they realise that, they put the brick back on the wall. On that wall, there is an "emotional window" where they peek at their surroundings. Some of my friends found someone strong enough to break into their walls and they live moderately happy ever after, as long as it can last. The wall collapse during this time. And when it ended, the walls come back on. I don...

Since I will be away from my queen size bed and freedom to roam for two weeks... I am officially in a bad bad mood. I have not packed, nothing, although I must, and I can feel a migraine coming... (...logged off...) I stopped writing as my migraine was getting in the way of my thinking, so I shut the computer off and laid on the bed for a while... then I started to pack, which took about an hour, because after being onshore for quite a long while, my offshore stuff is all over the place (my room that is...) I finally slept at about 2.45 am, no, I didn't sleep at all, I kept tossing and turning, my brain was at warp speed... I was thinking of the offer from one of my primary school classmate to visit her in Vancouver. I thought that would be spectacular! I was also thinking about my life being permanent onshore. Now that this trip will be my last trip. I was thinking about my workout regime and how would I fit that into my schedule... I thought of a lot of things, life in ge...

From my last post, I was talking about good times that I had with friends and past lovers. I recently received an email from my first ever lover wishing me a belated birthday. It was really nice that after 10 years have passed, my ex still remembers my birthday. March is a significant month, whereby plenty of good memories happen. I am thankful for the experiences that have made me the man I am now. It's all good. Oh I had just had the great time with someone from my past. We hung out and talked and laughed. It was really good, and especially good on my last weekend before my last offshore shift. Oh yeah, it will be my last offshore shift this time (apparently, that's what I've heard here and there) and there will be no offshore trips anymore from then onwards. Well maybe there will be day trips, but I don't think I'd be staying offshore after this. Which is good on my social life, but not financially. Having the opportunity to work offshore, and as a sing...

Couldn't sleep, so I browsed through blogs, found this website for personality test (apparently) by the clothes you wear or chose to have... Got it off Muaz's blog . Here are the results... What others see from your style You tend to be a gentle and pleasant person. You love nature and at least some of the arts, and derive great satisfaction from being helpful. You are stubborn and are not interested in wealth and power. What your nightclothes reveal You are friendly and always in good mood. You are candid and helpful, and can be sexy at times too. What others see from your ties You are a happy and contented person. You are protective of your friends, honest and tidy. You are hardworking and like to be the person in charge. What others see from your belts You are a lonely and demanding person. You are hardworking as well as intelligent, and can be passionate when in love. What others see from your shoes You are a person who loves simplicity and is sincere and open. You are pl...

The song that I've put in this blog meant a lot to me. This was 'our' song. The time I fell in love. And today, all of a sudden, I felt nostalgic for some personal reason. I guess, I'm having a nostalgic episode, and hopefully this feeling will end soon. I guess I'm feeling a tad lonely, that, I must admit. I think I should be grateful for this time by myself. It can be good for my soul. Finding someone to fill the void in our hearts is not always the answer to everything... Besides, I know by living the way I am right now, I am not prone to hurt no one in my life. Thus living a carefree life. It does have it's setbacks though... But so far, good enough for me. The song I've put in my blog was the song when we first met. Besides that, Marcell - Denganmu was also our song. I guess every couples have their own song (care to share?) There are many songs that reminds us of an event... Even now, I was actually trying to persuade someone to smile...

Ironically, my social book is pack full till the weekend. But somehow I feel lonely. Not lonely as per definition, but just quiet. It's weird, I can't seem to put a finger in it... I just feel quiet... but that's not right either... I've got plenty of errands to run, plenty of people to see, and plenty of occasions to attend to but I feel like I'm doing all of this robot-like... Perhaps I feel like these are not the things that I wanted to do, or I'm only left to this choices. But at the same time, I wanted to... Pah! I'm just in a phase... a confuse state of mind phase. It will be a few days till I will be working offshore. My shift's coming soon. Work wise, I'm demotivated, I feel like a ghost in the office (no one says hi to me anymore, or even answer my salam), I feel like everyone hates me for some unknown reason. (Ok, perhaps, I assume that, but in any defense, everyone was busy). I wanted a change this year. I wanted to ask my bos...

Days just pass by me so fast. Pass by us even. Look at us, we're almost in the middle of March heading slowly towards April. Where the hell happened to January and February.... It just zipped past us that quickly. We're about to end the first quarter of the year... Sigh... And before we know it, it will be New Year 2010. Oh well, like the saying that we usually say to ourselves, stop counting the eggs before they hatch . So what's up with me lately, the answer to that is nothing much. There isn't much to say, but I guess, I'll update this blog for my readers. I've been busy entertaining Aiedee , well, it doesn't take a lot to entertain this guy, but everything is kind of routine with him. It's actually really nice to be in his company and vice versa, and truth to be told, I'm kind of missing him now. He just got his flight this evening, and it's been quiet all of a sudden. Although I must admit, lately he's been quiet. A bit. So...

I am yawning. I am tired. But I can't sleep, and that is why I am writing this blog at freaking two in the morning. There's something bothering me, but I don't know what it is. I feel like I have forgotten something or felt like I need to do something, and it's bugging me. I feel a little apprehensive about something. Something's definitely bothering me and what's annoying is, I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's just my stomach disagreeing with the green apple juice that I just had. I have been thinking about my life and how dull my life is. Okay, I say dull in this manner not as a negative thing, I like a dull life, I don't mind being in a dull life. But it got me thinking, how did I get myself in a dull life in the first place. I guess, after loosing friends and relationships, I find that my life is dull because I have cocooned myself or surrounded myself for the past years with the same people. I guess the right thing to do here is...

On Saturday, my best friend, Billy and I decided to get away from the normality of life and break away from routine to a quick getaway across the border to the Miri, Sarawak . It was a great getaway, although it is a little disappointing (of course, we had high hopes, thinking it will be something as close as Bangkok), obviously it wasn't anything like we expected. But nevertheless we had a lot of fun. Evil was summoned and it ended with a calm and peaceful night... We didn't dance, we just watched as our legs slowly succumbed to its ability and we went back to the hotel. It was quite an adventure really, we actually came back to Brunei to send an important document that was left in the car that we were using that night and went back to Miri that same night. It was exhausting, nevertheless fun. And today, my exhaustion was amplified. We made a dash back from Miri , so that I can be time on my birthday luncheon with my family. Ironically, Billy and I were the first to...

I've written something about my current love life which at the moment I wanted to stop writing due to personal reasons. So let's talk about something else instead... Work. I got my appraisal result yesterday and I'm doing average. It pisses me off. And that is why I am not working today, because in all seriousness, I am demotivated and I don't see if I should be showing my face in the office, when what I am doing now is average. I see this as a personal attack on me. I've sacrificed my public holidays, my weekends, my new year, my family time, just to please my boss... and at some point, I sacrificed my own relationship for that... And what did I get... A fucking average score! (A little angry I am....) So I am thinking that I should stop going offshore soon, and I wanted to transfer to a different department, to my previous department. There's two reason, one is that I felt a personal attack from my bosses and two, I feel stagnant in the same position...

Stupidity in my book reference is consciously repeating the same mistake. That is my definition of stupid and stupidity. I for one am stupid now. I know, it's hardly Eureka! The point of having a date is to get to know each other and to decide whether each other are compatible or not. And once that is established, the next step is to start a relationship. I got that chance and I got cold feet. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. Just like a coward. Which YKW had said to me before and indeed I am in agreement with that. I asked myself, if I am not ready for any kind of commitment, why did I date? I asked myself over and over again, to no answer. My ex-es had said to me, that people fall in love with me easily. I believe that is bullshit, but I am starting change my mind. I know I am not romantic. Seriously I am not, I am not the Casanova that could make any woman, man and child to love me but I guess, my good-natured behaviour sometimes can be easily mi...

It is weird that my thoughts are working best when I am sitting on the porcelain throne. Out of recent personal experience, I am seeking the meaning of love and most importantly, where and how these feelings can come about. But I do know one thing for sure, that shares the first letter of the word love. Lust. Do lust play a significant factor in love? Or is it love that plays a significant role over lust? I’m sure love at first sight is based on lust. Then again, the whole reason of flirting and courtship is based on lust, and then come love. Or is it love really truly exist in the essence during courtship? And lust only thereafter? All of us are judged by the covers despite the saying not to. It is something we call as first impression. Impression by sight, that is. I think lust is the motivating factor in love. Lust is the first impression of love. Statistics and researchers have found that humans are prone to use sight as their first impression. Purel...

That's a tongue twister for you all... (Got that tongue twister off Pelangi FM) Anyway, I do apologise for the lack of updates, I've been busy. Catching up with my life. I have lots of updates with you. Recently, me and my family celebrated Amoy's a.k.a Siti Nur Farhana , my niece's 4th birthday at a restaurant in Kiulap. I chipped in with the celebration to celebrate my 8th working year. And it was a great evening. Will post pictures soon. My sister who apparently disowned her siblings came too. And actually it was very nice of her to come. I appreciated that she came despite everything that she had said to my brothers. She have lots of issues behind her, and maybe with time, she could sort it out by herself. It's a mess with her, but I guess, she'll survive. But all in all it was a nice gathering. It is good. It's all good. And today, is my 31st birthday. I don't usually celebrate my own birthday, last year I celebrated it with Pelangi ...