Not Myself

Tonight with my earphones blaring in my ears. I spent about almost two hours staring at the sea. I felt blank, My thoughts were blank. Nothing. My brains were silent, it wasn't thinking, it was empty... Although I find myself miming along to the song that was played.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but if there graph showing the highest peak of ambivalence, tonight will be it. I don't know how I feel even, am I sad, am I angry, am I disappointed, am I happy, am I cheerful? I felt numb but mostly blank. I was just sitting there staring at the dark black sea. But today was another peak on the graph, I felt total and utterly lazy. I felt so lazy that I just couldn't be bothered with anything. I just feel like I just want to lay (anywhere) and just stare at anything or sleep. I wasn't tired, I wasn't bored, this is just pure laziness. I think I need a breakaway. I need to get away from my routine life. I just want to... (pause) I don't even know what I wanted to do!

Am I having a nervous breakdown? I know I wasn't that all disappointed with the knowledge that my crush was already taken. Seriously, in honest truth, I am not. Oh gosh, I just thought of it, I guess I am depressed. Why? Because I felt abandoned or rejected somehow, and perhaps I am feeling helpless and lonely.... Now before you get off your seat! I'm not suicidal, take a deep breath... In all seriousness, I am jotting this down as I thought of it. Gosh, I might be right. I'm depressed about my situation, and feeling helpless because I'm offshore and surrounded by... hmm let's not go there. Thus that's the reason I wanted to have a break, to rejuvenate myself... Okay, a plan shall be put into place... (logging in bruneiair... LOL, Kuching or Kota Kinabalu? Hmm...)

Talk about online and real time self analysis eh? Never mind, four more days to sanity. Fingers crossed. I know time will be of the essence for the next couple of weeks, but hopefully things will go well. Wish me luck. I shall overcome this. Sorry if this post sounds a little disturbing to you, but I guess, what you are reading right now, is my mind at work. I know I write pretty crazy stuff in here, but well, this is where I put my thoughts and I guess, if you don't like it, you are more than welcome to leave.

Let's get this depression cloud away for a bit and talk about something else. I plan to write a long post tonight because my brain is on overdrive now. Recently, I got to talk with a friend about groups of people and where there belong in society. I like to think, perhaps even though others may not agree that I am a white-collar man living in a.. best described as average standard of living. I am not the type of person who segregate people but there are times when I just don't mix with certain type of people. Not because I feel superior than anybody or any less inferior, as I was brought up to treat people equally. As my mom used to say "Everybody gets buried six feet under in the end, so don't look down on people, we're all the same, no matter what your status are... We're all the same" (of course she spoke to me in Malay... LOL)

The reason behind this (with respect to the 'not mixing') is because there are times I find myself getting into a narrow minded conversation or the topic of interest are not the same. I guess, not all people are blessed with a good and steady income, but people do come by with what they have, day in and day out. So things they got to involve in are just not the same as what I have, the same with people who has everything.... How am I going to fit in with people who drives continental cars, living in mansions compare to a plain ol' japanese and plain homeless. But there are times, I meet people who has that drive in their heart and in their eyes, and you can see, that given the chance... They will surprise you and even more surpass you.

I met that kind of guy about a year ago. He didn't think much of himself, he was shy and very awkward, but give him the chance to shine, he became cheerful and amazing, and the willingness to learn was astounding. He won the 60 second DJ competition last year. In real life, he was very quiet and timid and once he got out of his skin, he owned the crowd that night. He joined the Police Force not long after that, and by that time I wasn't that surprised that he was the best recruit in his intake. But unfortunately not all people have that much passion in their life, some people have their own inferiority complexes and just prefer to underestimate their talents. So they just live by. Comfortably. And of course, there's nothing wrong with that.

There are a few things that I have learnt in life. One of them is that, besides striving passion and the willingness, luck and opportunities play into role in shaping one's life. I know some brilliant friends who I categorised as geniuses, who didn't have the opportunity or luck to become more than they can. But some of them, find ways and indeed living a successful life. And sometimes, when I think about this again, I find myself taking my own life for granted. I consider myself lucky, very, very lucky living in a sheltered world like Brunei. But sometimes the comfort is cocooning us and we forget that we're lucky. And we ask for more... (I'm not promoting Pepsi, by the way)

So anyway.... okay... it's cheaper to go KK... KK it is then! (that's the result of my online breakaway...) Until then, take care and ... oh, before I forget, this is a long post and I don't think I'll spell or grammar check it... I'm a bit knackered now... and yeah... Ciao!