Lack and Slack

Okay, I'm going to rant about work now.  It may sound like I'm whining and procrastinate myself.  I admit I am a slacker at work.  I'm not denying that, nor would I defend myself from that fact.  

On Friday, just as I was about to leave the office.  I was confronted about this fact from my boss.  And at the end of that meeting, I felt that I have no self pride, no self preservation, no hope, in myself, I felt let down, but I took the criticism positively.  He apologised if he had offended me.  So what was it all about?  Actually he confronted me about my attitude at work recently, that I have been slacking off and not helping out the team.  And he told me about my work ethics when I was offshore and in the office.  The word was everyone was complaining that I am not pulling my weight.  It did cross my mind, "what weight?  I don't have any weight to pull".  He told me that when I was offshore I got 'complaints'.  He didn't tell me who but I was told that I didn't do anything offshore.  And the answer is, yeah, it is true, I agree whole heartedly.  I'm not going to defend myself.  I done defending myself.  I have nothing left.  I have nothing left to say. 

I'm disappointed.  Disappointed with everyone in the office.  Especially my boss.  Not my boss that confronted me, but another boss.  If I had to point a finger.  I blame him.  He has not been talking to me, for the past few weeks.  He ignored me in the office, our main communication is via email or post it notes.  He is acting childish.  He took my project away, because he just couldn't wait.  I did my best during my breakdown, and he penalise me for my short comings.  Okay, but by saying so, I am not dismissing my behaviour.  But my behaviour was the result of his actions.

I should have not behaved the way I did when he decided to ignore me.  I should have looked to the positive side and made the best out of it.  In fact I did, I decided to ignore his behaviour and just act normal and not lash out, but subconsciously, I reacted by having a relaxed behaviour towards my work.  It was a slow downward spiral of lack and slack.  Lack of work, means I can slack, and as I slack, others see it as I'm a slacker, so no more work is given to me, so more lack of work, thus, I slack again and it goes round and round, until apparently everyone complained about my behaviour.  My boss also informed me that everyone inside and outside the office complained.  There are more than 20 staff in my office, not one confronted me about this fact.  That really breaks my heart.  Everyone prefer to talk about my attitude but did not say anything about it TO ME!  It seems that everyone prefers to bitch around rather than confronting.  

The thing about confrontation and this only applies to me, is no matter how bad the situation is, like this case about me, if someone confronted me personally in a nice manner, I will accept it in the nicer way.  I will or maybe not be defensive, I will or maybe not be angry, because one will always try to defend themselves, for pride or whatever reason, but at the end of the day, I will think about it thoroughly, and digest the confrontation and learn to accept my short comings and do something about it.  If someone confronts me in a bad way, I will react much worst than that.  Easy as that.  But most of the time, if someone tells me in a nice way, I will react nicely towards them and the issue.  My boss confronted me as a boss, and later a friend, and I reacted really well, he made me realise my mistakes.

My view about my colleagues now change.  Now I will subconsciously think that they are always be talking behind my back.  I think I prefer to just be by myself.  I don't want to really think about it, I have a new project now to work on, and I will just do that.    So anyway, rant over.