Kellaz, A Journal

Wednesday, I was woken up by a few text messages from my new friend, and also from my best friend/relative/almost brother, Sulaiman for lunch. He was in town to attend an award ceremony at Vocational Nakhoda Ragam. He and a colleague, also a good friend came by and treated them both lunch. I also learnt during the lunch that one of our colleague got into a self accident and went through surgery to straighten his neck bone. It sounds scary. In fact he had the accident a few days before mine. I'm even more traumatic now. After lunch I went back home to chill out whilst waiting for my time to go on air, all of the top ten 60secs DJ were called for a quick interview. Actually we were supposed to come early for training and go for the on-air interview and leave. But my mentor couldn't make it, so he told me to come for training after on-air instead. I arrived at RTB and all of us convene into the meeting room whilst waiting for the studio to get ready to receive us. I got the second...

Okey as usual, another itinerary of my life. I woke up quite early because a newly acquainted friend called me. I was still fast asleep at that time, when I woke up and realised I missed a call and a text message I called back. We talked about half an hour. It was a really enjoyable chit chat. It's really nice to get to know new friends. I woke up for breakfast, which consist of Nicotine and Caffeine. But since the rest of the house is about to wake up, I retreat on my bed, and took some snooze. I woke up again at about 11am and did some errands and had lunch by myself. I saw some pity eyes on me, but I am immune to that now. It's great being single. It really is. I love it. And after that, my boss called me, to ask me a few things about work, looks like my leave is approved but to certain hint of reluctance. I wrote an email to my boss last weekend, apologising for my behaviour. It is my bad, I know, I should have not brought my personal problems into work. But sometimes it is...

Monday, woke up early, had breakfast with my housemates and Amir, for Murtabak breakfast at Amanah Harith in Jerudong. They specialise in Malaysian cuisine, and it's good food, guareented (well, most of the time). I came home after that to cleaned my room and rotated my bed because I felt I have been having difficulty sleeping. Perhaps it's just psychology or bad feng-shui, I slept well using with the new layout. and also presto... more space in my room. Washed up all my sweat and got ready for the 60 Second DJ. We had a blast. One mentor was brainwashing us, really 'washed' our brains. A lot of positive feedbacks from her. It is apparent that she wanted us to do our best and by which possible everityone to win the competition. The rehearsal went well. There were a few Bruneian celebrities and I felt cool to be hanging out with them. Sharing the same space or air. Yes, yes, I'm one of those people. I know that they're just local singers and performers, but it i...

Such a relaxing Sunday, tomorrow is still a holiday for me. It's great. Nothing much happened today, watched a Vantage Point with a friend at the Qlap Mall, and it was okey. It's a little, just a little boring, because of the repetition. What repetition? Ahh, that one you're gonna have to watch it yourself. Had dinner at Fratini's taking advantage of the 50% discount in conjunction with the National Day with a few friends. It went down well. Burp! Everything is pretty simple today. No stress. Not much in my mind. Which is good. At this moment. I need to concerntrate on me. My well being. Hopefully I will be a new man next week. I am taking leave this week, to rejuvenate myself. Accepting everything that has happened to me. And setting up myself back on my own two feet. I'm contempt about today. Everyday, should be a Simple Sunday. Until then, Adios Amigos and Amigas...

Yesterday, I spent the whole night alone. Went shopping for detergent and a plastic ware to put the detergent in, because I have not done any laundry since I have moved in my new place. I went to my little sanctuary at Food Zone, Gadong Properties, to have a teh tarik and my favourite drink V-Soy. So I sat there alone, just gazing at the muted TV, whilst music from a channel in Astro, I think it was Hitz FM blaring out. Before I got seated, I saw my college friend, whom I haven't seen for a couple of years. I went to his wedding, a few years before, he works in the Army as an officer. He asked me if I am still teaching. he quickly corrected himself, "No, no, you work in KB right?" He asked me a few things about my work, and wanted to contact someone from HSE (Health Safety and Environment) department regarding setting up such department in the Army. I gave him contacts who were also our college mates. And finally took my seat. He later yelled my name across the ta...

A few days ago, I read a blog from Simpur and saw most blogs have linked Gokil's blog , so curious, I clicked and read his blog about 'Welcome to My life' and I felt it. I downloaded the song and heard it. And thought, yeah, I feel you, I get you... I can relate. In fact, it's almost saying 'Welcome to Kellaz's Life'... Sad! And then, as if, like there is a replying my feeling, while I was reading his blog, on MTV was playing 'OneRepublic - Stop and Stare'. And I downloaded that too... I feel like these songs are entertaining my broken soul. OneRepublic - Stop And Stare This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust I've got my heart set on anywhere but here I'm staring down myself, counting up the years Steady hands, just take the wheel... And every glance is killing me Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead Stop and stare I think I'm moving but I go now...

Yes, you guess right... Woke up very very late, despite sleeping early last night. I don't know what is happening to me... I feel a little depressed. I feel a little pressured by my life. I am suppose to go to work and apply for my leave today. But guess I will home to do it during the weekend. I got a feeling that my boss is mad pissed at me, for not even informing him that I am not coming to work. I feel so tired lately. I feel useless. I feel empty. I have got this spare time to do anything I want but instead I just loiter around and sleep. Yup, classical signs of depression. I know I have my DJ thingy to concerntrate on. But somehow, I feel I couldn't be bothered. I know I should panic that my script is not done yet. But I am not, a little distressed, yes, but I feel not much worry. Okey maybe just a little bit. I want to apply for my leave next week because I need a rest. Rest from my routine and daily life and start to live my life for a bit. Yes, I live my life everyday,...

Woke up relatively late, after snoozing my phone alarm for the sixth time, I woke up late, but not that late. Damn! Don't you just hate that... What is the tip to just wake up? I just want to wake up. I think it is more than just will power. But I suppose, it's something to do with my attitude towards life as a whole. Hmm... Looking way to far to see the whole picture. Today, I made the effort to play netball again with my car pool mate, my housemate is also going to play with us... Currently we're not car pooling because... hmm I suppose our timing these couple of weeks are a little off. I also have my DJ thingy so I have to leave office relatively early recently. Perhaps we can start off again in March. Am planning to apply leave for whole of next week. I have been thinking last night, that in the midst of my emotional turmoil, I suppose I need to step back and relax, get collected, get focused and plan on my life. Seriously, living on my own now is really d...

I didn't go to work. I suppose because I slept late last night, costs me my working day. I woke up at 10am. My first thought of the day was "Oh sh*t!". I WILL wake up early today, please please please, go to work! I actually planned to work half day today, because I have my DJ training at 3pm. But since it takes me an hour and half, to get to work, I definitely arrive at work at noon. But I have to go to the studio by 3pm. So I decided to not go to work. I know, my bad on my half. Actually, to tell the honest truth, I am still having a trauma of my accident. I didn't want to go to work because I might afraid if I will rush, and the last time I did that nearly took my life. I didn't want to rush anymore. And driving scares me. I drive now, no faster than 110km/h even that if I really have to. The night before when I was driving around, I tried driving faster than that, my body tensed and I can hear my heatbeat IN my ears. It so scary. It is funny th...

2am, couldn't sleep. So what would one do? Blog with my mobile! Introducing, Okto, my new pet, I bought Okto from my last trip from Thailand. Bought him at Siam Ocean World, Liam remains MIA to this day. Okto, will be my bed buddy from now on. Wish I have my melatonin tablets tonight! Yes, I'm that sad! LOL! What a loser! Till then, (again) Adios!

Sad sad sad... It is official. I'm sad! Pathetically Sad! I need to get out more. Here I am on my stomach on my bed, reading other people's blog from Simpur. I blushed on my own, too embarrased to see and read the kind of coverage they had in their blogs. They have a life. LIVES even! Their life is such an interesting read. Where as me, just here, minding my own business, playing with my sometimes-abandoned PSP playing SUDOKU (of all games that is available!)... Wake up, work, go home, nap, dinner (by myself) and sleep. Pathetic isn't it! Day in and day out... I'm actually laughing writing this down, because I am so pathetic. No I'm not saying that in a negative way nor am I procrastinating, but it is an eye opener for me do something about it. Gawd, what have I done with my life, huh? Okey sure I have that DJ thingy going on, uh, which reminds me, I need to finish my 2 script... Nobody has found my funny bone yet. I'm still that sad lad. Gawd, Kellaz! Kellaz!...

Last night, my housemate, Eddy and I couldn't sleep, so we ended up talking till almost 4am. It was great talking to him, apart the occasional running back and forth towards the other side of the house, to check the progress of a domestic row that can be heard relatively loud not far from where we were. At one point, the police were called and we heard breaking glass. But we were talking about my just ended relationship and Eddy sort of rationalise what happened. He was right, emotions especially anger does make people say the things that they don't mean. Because of anger, we say hurtful things eventhough we don't mean them. It was merely a spur of the moment. He was suprised that my relationship had an abrupt halt. Eddy made me look and be at the other side of story and perhaps I now see some relevancy. Yes, I'm still angry with my ex. But now, I think I'm willing to forgive my ex. Although I still can't see the whole point. Perhaps, I understand. Just a little...

Ok, this is rare. Blogging twice, using my mobile. I am at Andaman Restaurant, Jangsak, eating by myself. My intuition tonight told me to come here. And had only one menu in mind, Ayam Berlada , and oh god it is beautifully made. My mouth tonight felt like a woman. Why? Because I think my mouth had multiple orgasm with every bite. SERIOUSLY! This will be the only only only only only only and I could emphasise even more that right now, I'd hate to be a man, because I can't marry the chef! Proof of how good is it, look at the background of the picture. Empty! This place highly recommended by Kellaz, official stamp of approval for stomach expansion! Till then, burp! Alhamdulillah! Adios Amigos!

My ever so gorgeous colleague, Saliza bought me a lighter the shape of 5 dice that she bought from her vacation, Singapore. And I love it! I take it as an omen that sometimes we take chances, sometime it works, sometimes it doesn't. So if we fall and fail, we roll again, perhaps the next time we will win. But leaving everything to luck and chances is of course, won't get me anywhere, without effort, right? No chance I'd stop smoking soon... Do'h! Till then, adios amigos!

Somehow, I woke up early today, had the energy to wake up, no complaints. It feels like I was reborn. But I don't feel new, or good about myself. It is just like a cloud of something have been removed. I feel like I have moved on. A step forward. I have not been entirely honest with my readers, because certain readers are also my friends and colleagues. But I feel like I need to write it here. It has been hanging in my head and taking up space. So I suppose to move on, I need to write it down. It's sort of a therapy for me. I have just been dumped about 10 days ago after more than a year together. I have invested all my life, my trust, my friendship, everything I've got, every single ounce of my being to the relationship. I admit I had my faults and mistakes. Some really stupid ones. But just like that, I was dumped. Okey, I have to hide a few details here. But I thought to myself, after everything we've gone through, thick and thin, I deserve some dignit...

This weekend has got to be the loneliest weekend in my life for a very long time. I did this by choice. It is something I need to get used to. But anyway, I know inside of me, there's hope. I can feel it. I know it is there. My emotion have been through a crazy rollercoaster, and my positive spirit was just not there. Everything around me is collapsing. But, I'm now a little focused and collected. By the way, a belated birthday wish to my housemate, Azim. Hope you had a great time on your birthday. I wish you all the best and hope all your dreams come true. Till then,adios amigos...

I am a serious guy? I think I am. That's because today's DJ training went quite bad on my half. My topic is relevent, actually too relevant. It's boring. It's very formal but valid at the same time. It is like my funny half is, dare I say, dead. Maybe since I am going through certain trials and tribulation, makes me a little bit serious. With the accident and the house move, it seems that everything is less funny. I need to get my clumsy to get out and be, well, funny. When I was growing up, I used to be the joker in the family, the funny one, the teaser, the bully, the clown of the crowd. But as I grow up, I kind of grew up. Even in school I was a little popular and people think that I am funny. Always a crowd pleaser. Have I lost my humour and became a sensible adult? It's frustrating. When you know you can be funny but you can't. It's easy right? Maybe I am trying too hard to funny. Perhaps. The scripts of the other DJs are drafting is seriously down righ...

You talk about life, you talk about death, And everything in between, Like it's nothing, and the words are easy. You talk about me, and you talk about you, And everything I do, Like it's something, that needs repeating. I don't need an alibi or for you to realize, The things we left unsaid, Are only taking space up in our head. Make it my fault, win the game Point the finger, place the blame It does me up and down,It doesn't matter now. 'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again. This is not about emotion, I don't need a reason not to care what you say, Or what happened in the end. This is my interpretation, And it don't, don't make sense. The first two weeks turn into ten, I hold my breath and wonder when it'll happen, Does it really matter? If half of what you said is true, And half of what I didn't do could be different, Would it make it better? If we forget the things we know. Would we have somewhere to go? The only way is down, I ca...

My migrane is getting worst. I can't wake up. My head was throbbing. It was painful. My migrane went away at about 3pm today. Even trying to sleep is difficult. Why is this all happening to me. Seriously I want to die. I have been having a really bad week. It's just to difficult right now. I feel so empty. It is so hard to be positive right now, when everything inside me and outside is falling apart. I feel abandoned. I feel helpless. I feel so alone. Recieved an email today, and I gave the email a really harsh reply. Because I am hurt. It's just so painful. How do you forgive some one? I wish I could just leave it hidden and put on a happy face for the sender. But after all that I have invested in, and dismissed just like that. Just like that. It hurts me to reply that email. I am not a nasty person, but at times depending the situation, I can be. I have been on my own for a few days now. It feels lonely and empty, with my car accident and my near mis...

Indeed I did, I woke up late missing my car pool. I didn't hear my alarm sounded, I didn't hear my two messages sent by my car pool mate. I woke up at 8am. So it was a mad rush to get to work. I hate missing work after my workshops, so I would hate to start work late. Traffic was easy, I missed the morning rush, so the road was pretty clear. As I passed by a police car, then another car and another car, all so very far apart, I saw a Pajero at the very front very far away, so I slowed my car down to ensure that the Pajero is or isn't going to overtake the car in front of it. After waiting from afar, the Pajero kept in the left lane and doesn't look like it will overtake, I was still on the right lane from afar, then I pressed the gas pedal to overtake the Pajero and the car in front of it. All of the sudden the Pajero moved over to the right lane, I was only a car length away! I reacted by swerving quickly to the left to avoid the Pajero. But my car went out of con...

With my new found freedom, I got the time to think and reflect about my life. A recent occurance in my life has taught me something that I have always stood by close. I forgot my own principles. One of my life principles was not to depend to someone else for anything, and always ensure that I stand on my own. It is difficult to get back on my own two feet. It hurts, because before I have someone to always count on, to rely on, to share with but now, that particular one is gone and left me during my most vulnerable time. However, I am thinking positive about my going on in my life. Now that as probably you might have read from Uberdream and heard on the radio that I have qualified to be in the top ten of the 60 seconds DJ on Pelangi FM . That was what the embarrasing thing that I did in my last post . I made a fool out of myself. I got panicked during the audition and lost what I wanted to say. I'm good at making friends, talking to new people, and do very well at presentations and ...

I am attending a workshop which runs for a week. But I only have to come for the first two days. I don't intend to go for the whole week, because a) my boss told me not to b) I wouldn't want to and c) I hate going to workshops, as much how fun they can get and giving me time off from the office. Why? Because work in the office isn't going to disappear into thin air. They pile up, so the longer I am away from the office the bigger the pile gets. So anyway, here I was listening to the many technical terms and procedures and what have you not. I got bored, because I was the amongst of people who were a little bit slower than the rest. The rest was talking loudly, 'arguing' trying to convince each other that one way is better than the other. I got bored, so I pulled out my phone and started to take pictures... My other colleagues who got a little bored with the workshop joined in. Before we know it, we were taking pictures here and there. To a point, they wanted to take...

You were the only face I'd ever known I was the light from the lamp on the floor And only as bright as you wanted me to be But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick And I do regret more than I admit You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist Everything we had, everything we had Everything we had, everything we had Is no longer there It was the only place I'd never known Turned off the light on my way out the door I will be watching wherever you go through the eyes of a fly on the wall You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist Everything we had, everything we had everything we had, everything we had Is no longer there, longer there You saw for yourself, the way it played out For you, I am blinded For you, I am blinded, for you I am no gentleman, I can be a prick And I do regret more than I admit You ha...

One could not resist temptation. After a course meal of Nasi Lemak (Fatty Rice) we refuse to budge from our seat, and continue to proceed dessert with Chocolate Mud Cake. What diet? Chocolate is from cocoa and cocoa is a fruit from a plant. My doctor did mention to increase my fruit and veggies. So there... Denial over, till then... Adios Amigos and Amigas...

I made a fool out of myself! I still feel a little embarrassed. Although it was just for a little bit of fun. But it was funny as well as embarrassing! Stupid silly me. I'm gonna keep what I did to myself. But this blog entry will be a remembrance of how I made a fool of myself. But it was fun indeed. What an onslaught! LOL. Until then, this stupid boy is signing out... Adios Amigos.

I close both locks below the window. I close both blinds and turn away. Sometimes solutions aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way. And the sun will set for you the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, Will embrace the world in grey, And the sun will set for you... In cards and flowers on your window, Your friends all plead for you to stay. Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple. Sometimes goodbye’s the only way. And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, Will embrace the world in gray, And the sun will set for you.. And the shadow of the day, Will embrace the world in gray, And the sun will set for you.. And the shadow after the day, Will embrace the world in gray, And the sun will set for you.

Solo Saturday Tea Tarik Moment... A relaxing Saturday it has been. I wish all Saturday be like this. Well, then again, it could get boring. Some say, be careful for what we wish for. Besides the on going house chores that needs to be done. I'm contempt with my new place. It's small than what I am used to but it's homy. It's good to have my own place again. Oh yes, I moved out of my friend's house and moved into his friend's house. I needed a place of my own, a santuary for my heart and soul. Let's just say, before, I sort of became too much as a guest and overstayed my welcome. But thanks to Redz, for putting up with me and keeping a roof under my head for a more than 2 months. So here I am, a new step forward towards independency. With a positive outlook on life. No more looking back. It's all new me. Without reinventing myself of course. So where was I? Oh yes, Saturday. Got my car serviced. Got to go for a quick window car shopping. Got to tint my ca...

Reboot. Restart. Reformat. I am looking foward. I am forward looking. I have to. I have to be forward looking. I can't turn back. I can't look back. The decision has been made. Thus, I have to live with it. It's not my fault or is it anyone's fault. But it has been done. One has spoken. I'm looking forward with my life, with a breath of fresh air (with some smoking, of course). I have a new life to concerntrate on. I'm looking forward for my new home. I'm looking forward with a new lifestyle. I'm looking forward. I am. I am. I must. Life, give me all you've got! Until then, adios amigos.

pes·si·mist [pes-uh-mist] a person who habitually sees or anticipates the worst or is disposed to be gloomy. an adherent of the doctrine of pessimism I hate pessimists. The worse thing about pessimists is that I am one too. What is even more worst is that I am easily persuaded by another pessimist to be a pessimist. All it take is a little sarcastic remark or some comment of pessimism. I'd be off my seat and agreeing to the worst situation imaginable to mind. Keeping a positive outlook is not by nature to me. But I do have an outlook to be positive. And I always make a concious realisation to be always positive. Even when things look pitch black. My car pool mate, is a very positive guy. Almost everytime he beacons a glowing positive aura and it is really rubbing on me. I feel good. I feel great. "Come what may, I'll have my (positive) ways." To stay positive is to stay rational and logical. It may be difficult to exclude the emotions behind the issues we are all ha...

am·biv·a·lence - Pronunciation [am-biv-uh-luhns] uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things. Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions. That is what I am feeling right now. Stuck in a rut in the mud! Erghk! You turn left, you are a bad person, you turn right, you are at fault, you go straight, you are arrogant and proud, you go back, you are a coward, you go up, you are ungrateful, you go down, you are seeking attention. So what would one do in this case? Me, as ambivalent as I am right now, focusing on a positive side of things. I am going to change. I will and I shall change. I'm not a new man. Just a new outlook of things and taking positive changes in my life. p/s: I take up smoking again. It feels good!! Not enough wishes ...

A four and a half year old boy named Mohd Syahmi Danial Johari, is in need of a blood donor. If you are a blood type B person, please kindly go to Suri Seri Begawan Hospital in KB at Ward 15 as soon as possible. Please contact 8719974 Johari (father) or 8181712 Enon (Aunt).

The weekend before, I was sick and spoiled my friends' 'Juara Lagu' night, because they ended up sending me to the hospital, so I made up to them by treating them sushi. After going through some waiting, we finally got our seat. Indeed it was a good night. Its also my sort of my version of 'doa selamat' for giving thanks to Mighty Allah for restoring my health.

I have given a little bit of thought about my life and things that have happened recently with my life. The health turmoil, my new found family, my career, my possessions, my future. Everything seems to be in a different perspective after one has gone through a bad patch or an adversity of some sort, which in my case, of my own health. From my last post , I have quickly mentioned that I am quitting smoking. Cold turkey style. And so far so good. I'm happy with my performance so far. I've not craved for a cigarette. YET. But the reason why I wanted to quit was mainly because of my health, and also, I met a lady who could give smokers the chills and worry about their own health. Remember my post , of which my department where I work took blood tests. The results were in, and I passed with super glowing golden colours. So this lady was running through my BMI, my blood results, ecetera, ecetera, ecetera... Then she asks if I smoked. She then changed her tune to a scary-b...

For the longest time, I last remembered, I woke up early to send my friend to work. He made his lunch, and low and behold, he forgot to bring it with him! Guess it's canteen food today!