Betrayal and Confession

"If I can impart with you one piece of knowledge, just one kernel of truth that I've gleamed over my entire being of my existence is this, betrayal is the defining trait of humanity.  Your friends will always let you down.", said the Devil.  

I have been watching Reaper Season One which I got also from one of trainees.  Although it is half of the truth, but I do agree with it.  Such an eye opener.  And the worst of betrayal will be from the one you love.  I'm not saying that I have been betrayed, by a friend or a lover.  But somehow it does feel like it a little.  I have betrayed the one I love so many times, but I never did leave.  Or stop loving.  It is ironic though, when the only time I've decided to dedicate myself to one person, that only one left me for another.  

Love.  I'm beginning to be pessimist about love.  Because love works only in the extreme conditions of the mind and heart.  When you're in love, you high above the clouds, you feel the whole world is at your feet, and when  it's gone, you're left high and dry, a little bit like drugs.  So I suppose I'm going through withdrawal at this point in time.  I've learn my lesson now though...  See, two years ago, I was a guy who does not believe in love.  I believe in lust.  I let no one close to my heart because there was no one worth having, back then if I heard or know of someone were about to kill themselves when the love of their life left them for someone else, I would cringe and ridicule with a sense of judgement.  I was a guy who will say, he/she is pathetic, relying their life on others.  I was proud to be on my own.  I was proud to be single.  And now, I am that guy, I've gone suicidal because the lover or friend that I let into my heart, the one I trust, love and rely on, left me.  And I feel pathetic about myself.  So the lesson I've learn, is to never love again.  Or if I do fall in love again, I will never let them near my heart ever again. 

Some readers have asked me, what's going on Kellaz?  Well, let me summarise it then.  Two years ago, we met, I fell in love, we broke up a few times, we tried and tried to save the relationship, until one day, the one I love gave me an ultimatum. A 'marriage' proposal, to get engaged.  And I thought about it.  At first I thought, yeah, I think I could do it.  But when I thought about it again and again, I knew it inside of me, that I'm not ready yet.  So I said "No".  We were both heart broken by it.  But I've decided to keep loving and being there, as friends.  My emotions were still running high at this time.  It wasn't that I didn't love or can't love.  It's just that I didn't know that I could commit in the long run.  Perhaps I could, but I was not sure about committing myself to just one person for the rest of my entire life.  I'm ambivalent.  So since I said no, we ended up as friends.  I was there for my friend.  Every step of the way, and I was trying hard to commit myself even as a friend, I was seeking surety in myself.  And while I was still on a high to love and care, and to commit, it was like a deer staring into an oncoming headlights of a car.  Bang!  My 'friend' found someone else.  

It was something that was said "No, I won't tell you who he is, I don't want to jinx it!"  Bang! Bang! I'm dead!  I felt like I was yesterday's story.  I know I shouldn't get worked up on it, because in the very first place, I was the one who said no.  I was the one who couldn't commit in the long run.  So I put on a brave face and I was disheartened.  It was not about the 'no', it's about that I still do love and trying to commit, and the somehow the effort came to an absolute halt.  I tried hard not to cry, thus that was the reason I spent my time at Defountain that fateful night.  I retreat to my own emotions and trying to think logically.  I couldn't understand how I got myself into this situation.  I received a call the next day, "I want to talk".  So I went to hear what needs to be uttered.  It ended up as a fight.  I was expecting support and help to make me understand.  But we argued instead.  I felt ridiculed.  And that time, I've lost all hope.  The one I've let into my heart have left.  I have nothing.  Took the scissors and the rest is history.

So that's what's going on with me with regards to my few last post.  I don't want to play the blame game.  Because I know IT IS MY FAULT, I suppose.  Then again, I deserved to be left with dignity.  Or whatever dignity I have left.  So I was that man that I once ridicule to be.  Pathetic, isn't it?  I suppose now I understand why someone would be suicidal, it wasn't because they are needy or wanting to love someone that bad.  It's otherwise.  Because the love had left, and they fell a huge void in their heart.  They feel there was no more hope in them.  

I promise myself that I would never ever put myself in that situation again.  But perhaps one day, someone will enter my heart, and never leave.  I don't know...  I'm ambivalent, remember?  So that was it.  I'm sorry I couldn't dwell deeper, because it's personal to me.  And also, I would want to be called manipulative or with the intention of insulting someone I loved.  I'm coming to terms with what don't have right now.  My scars are clearing up well too.  So you guys take good care, and until then C'est La Vie.

p/s:  Appreciate a comment or two, thanks...